Unconditional Love. (LONG)

[dev781]

I am in the process of letting someone I love go. Don't get me wrong, I think this is the only and right thing to do right now because I unconditionally love her.

 

She was my biggest high school crush. I have met her when I was 15 (I am 24 now). With time she became my closest girl friend. She knew everything about me, my stories, my secrets, my flaws, the girls I dated and she secretly liked me since the first day I walked her to class. She admired me and I can still remember the spark in her eyes. I was a popular kid (bad boy) surrounded by many girls and she was a cute and shy one. Little did I know my feelings would keep on growing bigger for her in time.

 

And so it happened... I fell in love with her, the person I got along with the most in my life. By the end of high school, I wrote her a letter and told her my feelings. At that time I did not get an answer (I learned why a year later). I assumed she didn't feel the same. I felt hurt, rejected and I let my ego dictate my actions. I started ignoring her. She tried everything: talking to me at school, sending me a card last day of school, calling me on my birthday. No matter what, I was just selfish and plainly ignored her (by then I didn't understand what unconditional love is). Then we took our own path after high school. My mind was already elsewhere. I had a lot of problems at home during that summer of 2004. She longed for me the whole summer and could not understand that I rejected her and our friendship.

 

Life went on. I started college and started dating a new girl within a month. My HSC learned about it, she was hurt but she was happy for me. She was hoping for me to come back but I never did. With time she started dating a new guy (her first boyfriend). By then, I did not know about all this since we were in no contact mode. For a year, we did not call, text, email or try to reach each other. (We're both stubborn and proud)

 

By the end of my first college year, we bump into each other on the bus. I wasn't dating the college girl anymore (it was a bad relationship). My HSC was still with her first boyfriend. Somehow, I still had feelings for her and I knew she still had some for me too. We would hang out as friends. We would spend hours on the phone. She would get into a lot of fights with her boyfriend but she has told him that she will never sacrifice her best friend for a lover. And she told me everything I wanted to know: that she felt the same about me back in high school, that she wrote back but the letter never got to me, and that she tried everything to talk to me but I was just rude and that she had waited for me. She was happy that I was part of her life again. I have told her that I was really happy for her and that he seemed like a good guy. I did not want to create drama in her relationship. The more I was hanging out with her, the more I fell for her. Deep down I was hurt. I decided to cut off communication and disappear again leaving her confused for a second time now (spring 2005).

 

We stayed in no contact for another year. By the end of summer of 2005, I started dating a girl (which I stayed in a relationship with for 6 years - until summer 2011). So back to my HSC. Fate worked its magic again. We bumped into each other in the summer of 2006 while she was at work. Then it happened again... I knew I still had feelings for her even though I had a girlfriend now and I tried as much as possible to hide them. This time my HSC was single. She left her first boyfriend and told him that she still had feelings for me. She was happy that I was part of her life again. We would hang out as friends. Obviously my girlfriend couldn't accept this even though I told her that she was just a friend to me. I had to lie when I hung out with my her. (I admit I was wrong, but I have never cheated on her). I did not want to lose my best friend again. But things were different this time. We both still had feelings for each other that went beyond our friendship. And she was determined to be with me this time. My girlfriend found out about our secret outings. I cared about my relationship, so I had to stop this. This time I did it in a really rude way. My HSC called me while I was with my girlfriend. She forced me to answer phone and tell her to get out of my life and never contact me again. So I did to her what she would have never done to me: sacrifice my best friend for a lover. I broke her heart again for a 3rd time and vanished. (Summer 2006)

 

Life went on. In the meantime I had forgot about my HSC. Out of sight, out of mind. This time we had no contact for more than 5 years. She had a 3 years relationship with a new boyfriend that ended in summer of 2010. On my side I was still trying to hold on to a destructive relationship until summer of 2011. So I had to keep my HSC far. We bumped into each other again in 2009 and I completely ignored her. She contacted me on Facebook in 2010 and I completely ignored her. In 2011, it happened that we worked in the same mall. She came up to me and we chatted. I acted disinterested and pretended the past never happened between us (I was ashamed of what I did to her). I was still in a relationship and was leaving for Europe. She still left me her number.

 

By the end of summer 2011, I ended my 6 years relationship. We had reached the point of no return after trying and trying. Even then, I wasn't thinking of contacting my HSC. Then in November a good friend of mine met her in a club. He told me about it and said that she asked about me. It was obvious that she wanted me to contact her again.

 

And so I did. I gave her a call a week before Christmas. I had no intentions but to reconnect with an old friend. At first she couldn't believe it was me calling. We instantly bonded. We talked for hours on the phone and texted each other every day. And it happened again... feelings were awakened. We decided to meet again on the 21st of December. . I felt happiness in my heart in a way I have never experienced in years. Although I can still see the cool, funny and happy girl I used to know, she's somewhat different. What a woman she had become... Beautiful, , clever, career oriented (she's an engineer). Above all, she still remembers every little details about us. I really did miss 5 years of her life.

 

As soon as we met, I already had the feeling that we we're together. We we're happy to see each other and the feelings can hardly be described. We spent almost the whole vacations together. Things happened so fast... And before I could even realize what was happening, the girl I have been pushing away and resisting for the past 8 years was now my girlfriend. We got along well (like we always did) and sex was the most amazing for the both of us. I felt like the luckiest man on Earth. It felt like high school again.

 

But things went downhill. We had an incredible honey-moon phase. But in the end, she is not the same woman I used to know and her dreams have changed. She has told me several times that when vacations are over she will be extremely busy (she works 7 days a week). And that I should feel lucky that she spent the whole vacations with me instead of making time for her friends. I thought it was fine. I wanted things to be casual and fun and not too committed as I am completing my degree and I am leaving for Nicaragua in May for 3 months and thought it would be a good test for both of us. She agreed, said she was very happy with me and promised me that she won't make me lose my time and that things will be fine until I come back. I promised her the same.

 

As soon as she started working (internship), things were different. She told me that she haven't been herself lately and she's been too emotional about all this. She still loves me a lot but she has to put her mind on her career. She wouldn't invest as much time in the relationship (which was fine with me). But her actions completely changed too. Not returning calls for 2 days. Not answering text. Flaking out on days we planned to see each other. I did not feel valued. I started doubting myself. Even my friends couldn't understand. I am usually confident, happy, fun, outgoing, goal oriented, have my own dream of traveling the world, my own way of seeing life. The fact that I did not feel valued made me very vulnerable. I rarely felt that in a relationship. I had the feeling that the attraction she's had for years was now gone. She had seen my way of doing things. I keep balance in every aspect of my life: make time for my friends, work, school, internship, sports, going out. I have seen her way of doing things: all her focus is on the career. She would sometimes say that I chill too much with my friends. I talked with her about it and she said that I am overanalyzing. She just wants things to be simple because she is very busy but she was very happy with me. But the more I doubted myself the more I seemed to push her away.

 

I started doubting the relationship. Whenever I tried to talk to her about it, she would tell me things like: you were probably in a relationship for far too long with a needy woman. Get to know me. I was confused, the only I've asked her is to return my calls and not to flake when we plan a date or to tell me in advance if she wants to cancel. She would often talk about her last ex and compare him with me. She has left him because she felt she couldn't advance in life and do her stuff. But in no way I felt that I was needy towards her. I did not ask her to change or sacrifice her career and I was fine with seeing each other once a week. The problem was insecurity. I didn't feel valued. She was feeding my insecurity as much as I was feeding it to a point where I let my ego take over. But insecurity is the same as neediness. It was not about the things I said or the things I did. It was about the energy I was showing her. Probably an attraction killer.

 

I took a decision based on my ego and my pride. The same one that made me push her away 3 times already. I did not listen to my heart this time. I did what I promised I wouldn't do to her (make her loose her time). Out of the blue, I decided to end things and told her that I was not happy anymore in the relationship and that I did not feel valued. In my mind, if she loved me enough she would fight back. It backfired.This is the fourth time that I reject her. She told me that I better not regret because she is not coming back this time, she gave me enough chances. I hurt her feelings and broke her heart again and she put her trust in me after all these years that I will not leave again. She was also confused because she said she loved me and that she was happy and I just took my decision without even trying to find a solution with her. Last thing she told me: I know I'll always love you. I always did for the past 10 years but I won't cry for you anymore. I have cried enough.

 

She has changed much. She is tough, non-emotional, stubborn, steady as a rock. She said that I taught her how to build this armor. She was still standing strong and told me that she has enough things going on in her life and that she does not want drama. And that she will be happy that I find my happiness with someone else.

 

After few days I started regretting. I tried to apologize for the things I didn't mean and tell her that I want to work things out (I was still pretty emotional and that didn't help). I know I have been selfish and now I care enough to step down my ego. But I needed to clear my mind so I wrote her a letter since she wouldn't talk to or see me. She never responded and it's even possible that it made things worst. She is not a toy, I can't just leave and then try to come back. The only thing I got is a text from her friend telling me: give you guys time. Time will fix everything. You might not be together in the future but at least you're not going to lose a friend. I texted her twice during the past 3 weeks, telling her that I'm cooled down now and I just wish we could talk calmly. I did not call, did not show up anywhere I know she might be. Some suggest I do. But I feel that chasing her would be disrespectful. The only answer I get is complete silence. At first I thought it was rude. How could she be doing this after all these years? In reality, it is just my ego not being fed. She is smart and she is right to ignore me if she wants (I did worst in the past). She owes me nothing. I am the dumper, I have to man up and assume.

 

At this point I cannot tell what she is feeling. Did she move on from me? Is she having second thoughts about us? Is she indifferent to the point she can completely ignore me? Will she forgive me? Is she still in love with me? Did I deceive her or she just doesn't care anymore? These are the wrong questions I have been asking myself. I have come to understand what unconditional love (true love) is. It is selfless. It is not jealous, angry, nor selfish. It is not about me. It is about her happiness.

 

Now I know what true love is because I felt it from her. I have been in a 6 years relationship and I know my ex loved me to death. But still I have experience the purest form of love through my HSC in a way no one ever loved me. She has liked me since the first day we met. As my closest girl friend she knew all about my flaws. She still loved me unconditionally even when I rejected and ignored her the first time. When I started dating my college girlfriend, of course she was hurt but wasn't she happy for me? She was not jealous or upset. That was unconditional love. She had a boyfriend and still loved me unconditionally enough as a friend to not sacrifice me over him. Her love for me haven't stopped the second time I disappeared. She wished the best for me and respected my space and never tried to contact me back. That is unconditional love. Even when I was rude to her over the phone the 3rd time I have disappeared, she did not fight or argue with me and she let me live my life. Above all, she has always forgave me even after 5 years and I am far from perfect. Even though we did not see life from the same point of view, she told me that she would have never let me down the last time we spoke. I know I did. Why? Because of Ego - Conditional love. It is a type of love that is self centered. It will stop giving love when the ego is not fed. Unconditional love is giving freely without any conditions. It is compassionate. I know I did not consider her point of view in my decision.

 

Now I know I love her unconditionally. So I am respecting what she is asking me by giving her time without being impatient. By making sacrifices for her happiness. By respecting the fact that she is busy 7 days a week and she does not need more emotional drama. I did enough damage. I understand that she is going through a lot. By the time she is done with the internship (end of April), I will almost be gone to Nicaragua (mid-May). It wouldn't be fair for her that I reappear in her life now. I know I'll always love her unconditionally because I have accepted the fact that her happiness is far more important than my ego - may it be with me, without me, with someone else. For now my way of showing her that I love her is to set her free and if ever we meet again, be the best friend I can ever be. We might move on (like we always did), but I know when I bump into her again the feelings will still be there.

 

The biggest thing that I have lost is not the girl that I love. It is a girl who truly cared about me. I have lost a good friend.

I would be grateful if we could just be friends today but she just won't answer anymore. I still have faith.

[Philosoraptor]

This is what I'd call chemistry with no compatibility. You both seemed to have different styles you wanted to live your life, and she didn't want to budge very much from her way.

 

Was she over her ex when she came back? I haven't a clue, but many run back to where they felt safe in the past.

 

But I know unconditional love, and it seems that you did feel it. But even unconditional love doesn't make compatibility. Your story feels familiar as I was also with a rock headed person whom I loved unconditionally even though she had no ability to compromise. Did you find yourself bending much further than comfortable in order to keep things stable? It will wear you down and beat you into nothing.

[dev781]

We do have different lifestyles. In order to be happy I have to keep balance in every part of my life. All her focus is on the career, it's her passion and she has a goal in life she wants to achieve. But she said that If I would have been patient enough... things would have got better because she saw a future with me. It's kinda too late now.

 

Over her ex? Not sure. She tells me she is. She talked about him sometimes, it didn't bother me because I am not jealous. He has a girlfriend. What I didn't like is that she compared him with me. But she said I was a better version of him. I did not ask her to change her ways or to sacrifice her career or anything. I just wanted her to call back and not flake, things she would actually do the first month we spent together.

 

And for the compatibility, it might be true. I will never know, we never gave it a real shot and I broke up without even talking about compromising. She said she was willing to find a solution but I seemed to have my mindset so she won't fight back. I know I am ready now to compromise and do things differently. But she is just out of my each now.

Edited March 5, 2012 by dev781

[Philosoraptor]

We do have different lifestyles. In order to be happy I have to keep balance in every part of my life. All her focus is on the career, it's her passion and she has a goal in life she wants to achieve. But she said that If I would have been patient enough... things would have got better because she saw a future with me. It's kinda too late now.

Well she was focused on one thing, and some people are wired this way. Personally I focus on one thing at a time and need a few minutes to pull away from something I am focusing on. Even without that ability, it can still be worked around. Was she willing to bend on the issue at all? Did she start to make more of an effort to make contact and let you know if plans changed, etc.?

 

Over her ex? Not sure. She tells me she is. She talked about him sometimes, it didn't bother me because I am not jealous. He has a girlfriend. What I didn't like is that she compared him with me. But she said I was a better version of him. I did not ask her to change her ways or to sacrifice her career or anything. I just wanted her to call back and not flake, things she would actually do the first month we spent together.

That's an issue right there, making comparisons. Does she know you're not the jealous type? Early on I see many people make a comment and sometimes it is out of worry that their new partner is comparing themselves to the ex. But if it kept going on, did you say anything about it? There is also the possibility that she had to continue to convince herself that things were better. Only she would know though.

 

And for the compatibility, it might be true. I will never know, we never gave it a real shot and I broke up without even talking about compromising. She said she was willing to find a solution but I seemed to have my mindset so she won't fight back. I know I am ready now to compromise and do things differently. But she is just out of my each now.

Well what would you have done differently? This is where the meat comes into play. What would you do differently and what would she need to do differently in order to give the relationship a chance? Are these things sustainable?

 

If she was willing to work on them at the end and you bailed, then you need to make a statement. I'd spend a lot of time, from an outside view, examining the relationship. Figure out what needs to be done and whether it would truly be sustainable. If so, in this case I'd suggest writing a long letter explaining the issues, the reasons, and how things could be fixed. That is, if you truly feel that things could work after your examination.

[dev781]

Well she was focused on one thing, and some people are wired this way. Personally I focus on one thing at a time and need a few minutes to pull away from something I am focusing on. Even without that ability, it can still be worked around. Was she willing to bend on the issue at all? Did she start to make more of an effort to make contact and let you know if plans changed, etc.?

 

Her solution was: not making plans so she can never really flake. If we see each other, we see each other. But she appreciated when I planed dates and she wouldn't usually flake. And she did make the effort to contact me back everyday very late when her mind was off work. She said I don't know how to appreciate the time she gives me. And I do take a part of the blame.

 

That's an issue right there, making comparisons. Does she know you're not the jealous type? Early on I see many people make a comment and sometimes it is out of worry that their new partner is comparing themselves to the ex. But if it kept going on, did you say anything about it? There is also the possibility that she had to continue to convince herself that things were better. Only she would know though.

 

She's know I'm not the jealous type. But I did tell her that I don't like being compared. I am myself and have my own personality. She kinda stop after a while. One strange thing is that she would always ask about my ex and how she compares to her.

 

Well what would you have done differently? This is where the meat comes into play. What would you do differently and what would she need to do differently in order to give the relationship a chance? Are these things sustainable?

 

If she was willing to work on them at the end and you bailed, then you need to make a statement. I'd spend a lot of time, from an outside view, examining the relationship. Figure out what needs to be done and whether it would truly be sustainable. If so, in this case I'd suggest writing a long letter explaining the issues, the reasons, and how things could be fixed. That is, if you truly feel that things could work after your examination.

 

She always liked me the way I was, fun, outgoing, manly and was probably massively attracted by the fact that I resisted her emotionally. So being in control of the emotions. Taking baby steps, as we got involved too quick emotionally. Be more of a friend than a lover.

Get to know each other and not assume too much. Appreciate the differences and learn to compromise. Share our dreams without being selfish. Have empathy in the other person's point of view. Keep things light and fun like they've always been. Go with the flow, not overanalyzing, things have always been natural between us. Work things out, communicate, tough it out. Have faith in us, we were best friends once and life always brought us back together. Keep the promises and never let each other down even when times are rough.

 

On my side it would be to respect her paste and the way she handles the career. When she got her mind set on it, she won't answer during the day and she may sacrifice some planed dates to catch up with work. And not take decisions out of the blue without proper communication. Have empathy. Be concerned about things that makes her happy.

On her side: stop comparing me. Stop criticizing the way I do my things. It is not because I make time for my friends that I am not successful in my career. I have my way of doing things that is different from hers, it does not meant that I won't achieve my goals. I am not like her ex. I don't put my life on hold for her. And do the things she says she will do. Ex: if you say you'll call, well call. It is important for me, it's a sign of respect.

 

I believe it will be truly substainable since it is not about changing our personalities or the way we want to live our lives.

 

She might have doubts about the fact that I won't bail. She's still holding some grudges. She told me: you should have told me to **** off just like all the other times. I was used to it. :S

But I have come to understand that I truly love her so I am willing to step down my ego and work hard.

 

Maybe I should take time off in Nicaragua to think about all this and take a decision when I come back in August. Not sure if she'll still be available. But right now she is not talking to me anyways.

[dev781]

By the way, thanks for your comments. It is nice to have an outside opinion and your questions are pretty helpful and pertinent. About the letter thing, I am not sure. We would need to re-establish contact first and see if there is still any connection. For now she won't answer or won't see me at all. And like I said, she is going through a lot working 7 days a week. When I come back from Nicaragua might be a better time, it there is anything left to save. The way I see it is to let her go for now. Let her do her things and I'll do mine. I know it could take years. That's how it's always been. If we ever meet again, I have to see it as a new relationship and take things a lot more slowly being friends first. If things don't work out at least I'm not gonna lose a friend

Edited March 5, 2012 by dev781

[worldgonewrong]

re unconditional love-

 

don't ever tell a woman like this that you have unconditional love for her; she will mistake it as a trap, and will only look upon that humble offering with revulsion.

[dev781]

re unconditional love-

 

don't ever tell a woman like this that you have unconditional love for her; she will mistake it as a trap, and will only look upon that humble offering with revulsion.

 

I don't plan on telling anything. I'll just show it to her if I ever get the chance to have her in my life again.

[Philosoraptor]

By the way, thanks for your comments. It is nice to have an outside opinion and your questions are pretty helpful and pertinent. About the letter thing, I am not sure. We would need to re-establish contact first and see if there is still any connection. For now she won't answer or won't see me at all. And like I said, she is going through a lot working 7 days a week. When I come back from Nicaragua might be a better time, it there is anything left to save. The way I see it is to let her go for now. Let her do her things and I'll do mine. I know it could take years. That's how it's always been. If we ever meet again, I have to see it as a new relationship and take things a lot more slowly being friends first. If things don't work out at least I'm not gonna lose a friend

It takes a wise person to understand that everything will be new and that there can be no jumping back into the past relationship. That relationship failed while a new one would have two people who have grown trying something new. Whatever happens with you I wish you the best. With the ability to love unconditionally and the ability to be willing to compromise, you will find your happy ending with someone if you allow it to happen.

[dev781]

I don't doubt that I will find my happy ending. But I'd rather be alone than be with someone I don't truly love. And somehow... I know that my heart will always be hers, even when we'll both move on in life. It was always hers in the first place. I know it sounds like a oneitis... But it is hard to think otherwise after 10 years. The feelings are always there everytime we meet again and they keep growing stronger. I might find new mates, but again it would be like lying to myself.

 

Any thoughts on this?

[Tiera D]

write the letter and wait,i believe she will come back again some people just end up with us again no matter where they go..

 

TD

[Philosoraptor]

I don't doubt that I will find my happy ending. But I'd rather be alone than be with someone I don't truly love. And somehow... I know that my heart will always be hers, even when we'll both move on in life. It was always hers in the first place. I know it sounds like a oneitis... But it is hard to think otherwise after 10 years. The feelings are always there everytime we meet again and they keep growing stronger. I might find new mates, but again it would be like lying to myself.

 

Any thoughts on this?

That's just the feeling you have now, it fades if you allow yourself to accept things. While I still wish nothing but the best for my ex, my feelings for her are no longer romantic in any way.