FitChick Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 I am looking for something with serious potential only and supposedly so is he. Then good luck trying to find someone else who feels the same. You'll need it.
jobaba Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 I've been hanging out with a guy for a couple weeks now. We've been on three official "dates". I like him. I'm not sure if it's going to go anywhere but I'd like to see. We haven't had any kind of exclusivity talk or anything and I feel it's too early to have it. Thing is, he was out on Saturday night and some girl apparently took a shine to him. He texted me to tell me all about it. While it was going on. He was giving me a play by play practically. According to his story he was rejecting her because he "had someone else he was more interested in" (me, I'm assuming) but this seems soooo weird to me! Obviously it was important to him that he was being hit on if he felt the need to tell me allll about it. It made me really uncomfortable. I get hit on when I go out too. I've never felt the need to tell a guy I'm just kinda seeing about it. He is 29 and I am 30. I feel we are way too old for this kind of game. Was he trying to make me jealous? Is he really just that insecure? Was he hoping for permission? What the hell was he doing? And how big of a red flag is this? Speaking for all my male friends who are that age or have been that age (late 20s to early 30s), I know absolutely nobody who would do such a thing ... if the girl was attractive. None of them would have passed up the opportunity for another potential for a woman they had known for 2 weeks no matter how perfect she was. So I'm guessing some woman he found to be physically unattractive was all over him and he was flattered but uninterested and decided to let you know about it to make you jealous. Not something I would ever do, but not out of the realm of normal human behavior. Be flattered. LOL @ thinking age equals maturity. Many posters here are in their mid 30s to 40s and have the same mentality as those in their early 20s here.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 "telling stories that make him look bad" - That would make him NOT insecure...if he does not care what you think... It's a bad trait. When you're in the beginning stages of dating, you're supposed to present yourself in a positive light, not tell another person why they shouldn't date you. Bring up the bad things only after he's had a chance to see the positive aspects of your life that outweigh them. - quote Andrew, The Rule Revisited. If he's capable of showing insecurity this early on, there's going to be alot of drama hereafter.
dispatch3d Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Yeah not sure why he did that. He probably just wants to let you know other girls do like you. I used to do this now (but you've taught me better!). I don't think its a very conscious choice. Also the other posters were right, the insecure guys make better husbands ;-). 1
TheFinalWord Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 I think it was his way of trying to see where he stands with you; albeit, I think it was a silly way to go about it. He could just talk to you on the next date. But I think he has other traits that you aren't feeling... He is immature in other ways. He admits he's insecure and is always freaking out about what I'm thinking and how he comes across to me. It makes me wonder if he's ever being real with me or if everything he does is some kind of act. He also says a lot of stupid things for someone that is supposedly so concerned about me liking him (overinformation about exes, other crushes he's had, telling stories that make him look bad, that kind of thing...) I don't think what he's done in this circumstance is necessarily a deal breaker. It sounds more like inexperience mixed with a bit of insecurity and immaturity. His behaviors are immature, but based on what I have read here he doesn't know himself that well.
fishtaco Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 I didn't respond. My phone was in my purse and I didn't see the messages as they were coming through. His last text said that he showed her all the messages he was sending me as he was sending them. I responded about an hour later and told him my phone wasn't on me, sorry I didn't get back to him. He said he had already told her to get lost and he was kind of a jerk to her when she wouldnt leave him alone. Then he texted me again maybe a half hour later saying she came back and tried again. All I responded with was "play nice" and then went about my business with my friends who I was out with. I find the bolded part extra strange. I think he's trying to show you he's into you and that he's not into other women even if the opportunity presents itself. But.. well, first of all you are just casually dating, there's no need for "exclusivity". Second, that's a very strange way of doing it... Not necessarily a red flag, but keep your eyes open...
Ruby Slippers Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Also the other posters were right, the insecure guys make better husbands ;-). I disagree. What happens when they build up their confidence and think they can do better? This happened to me. In my 20s, I got with a great guy with insecurities that made no sense to me, and after he improved himself while we were together, he thought he could upgrade. He came back around later and told me he made a huge mistake, and would not do better.
fishtaco Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 I disagree. What happens when they build up their confidence and think they can do better? This happened to me. In my 20s, I got with a great guy with insecurities that made no sense to me, and after he improved himself while we were together, he thought he could upgrade. He came back around later and told me he made a huge mistake, and would not do better. The upgrade thing is a separate issue IMHO. Grass is always greener on the other side. It's something I had to learn as well. It's a fine line between settling and reaching for too high. It's something that comes with life experience I think, i.e. maturity. But I agree with you that insecure people make bad romantic partners.
HHC Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 The first thing I thought was this is what he needed to do in his past relationship and it's just habit. Maybe I give people the benefit of the doubt too much
kaylan Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 (edited) From reading the OP, it would seem to me that the guy was trying to say this: "Lol this chick is totally digging me and trying to kick game, but it doesnt matter because Im into you and Im gonna shoot her down haha" Seems like he was just trying to let ya know hes sweet on ya. I have had a guy do something similar more than once, and each time it was his way to bring up the exclusivity talk... This as well. Sometimes when Im really digging a girl, and I want to figure out how much she likes me, Ill usually bring up other women. I figure she will ask me if Im dating anyone else if she likes me enough. If she doesnt like me too much then she will let the comment roll off her back. I only do it this way because sometimes asking directly can be awkward. Edited March 6, 2012 by kaylan
Author ditzchic Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 From reading the OP, it would seem to me that the guy was trying to say this: "Lol this chick is totally digging me and trying to kick game, but it doesnt matter because Im into you and Im gonna shoot her down haha" Seems like he was just trying to let ya know hes sweet on ya. This as well. Sometimes when Im really digging a girl, and I want to figure out how much she likes me, Ill usually bring up other women. I figure she will ask me if Im dating anyone else if she likes me enough. If she doesnt like me too much then she will let the comment roll off her back. I only do it this way because sometimes asking directly can be awkward. I don't know about this approach. Usually when a guy mentions another girl to me I assume that he isn't that into me and I start to move on. Regardless of if I like the guy or not, I'll let the comment roll off my back. I just assume that he sees us more as buddies than someone he is trying to date.
zengirl Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 From reading the OP, it would seem to me that the guy was trying to say this: "Lol this chick is totally digging me and trying to kick game, but it doesnt matter because Im into you and Im gonna shoot her down haha" Seems like he was just trying to let ya know hes sweet on ya. This as well. Sometimes when Im really digging a girl, and I want to figure out how much she likes me, Ill usually bring up other women. I figure she will ask me if Im dating anyone else if she likes me enough. If she doesnt like me too much then she will let the comment roll off her back. I only do it this way because sometimes asking directly can be awkward. The way you have outlined asking is WAY more awkward than just actually asking, "Hey, I'm not into seeing anyone else. What about you?" The game-playing way leads to more game-playing, the furthering of insecurities and the boosting of egos (it's a see-saw, one partner gets more insecure, the other has their ego boosted, and back and forth, ugh, no thanks) and the directly asking way leads to directly getting the information that is pertinent, for better or worse. One is for kids, and one is for adults. I understand someone your age and still kinda in the college mindset doing this kaylan, but it doesn't serve one well as an adult. It really doesn't. Unless you just love the games.
Emilia Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 I figure she will ask me if Im dating anyone else if she likes me enough. If she doesnt like me too much then she will let the comment roll off her back. I only do it this way because sometimes asking directly can be awkward. It rolls off my back because I don't care for random girls being mentioned during conversations. If he wants to know whether I'm seeing someone he should ask me straight.
Thieves Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Sometimes when Im really digging a girl, and I want to figure out how much she likes me, Ill usually bring up other women. I figure she will ask me if Im dating anyone else if she likes me enough. If she doesnt like me too much then she will let the comment roll off her back. I only do it this way because sometimes asking directly can be awkward. Or... it could totally backfire, and you could turn the girl off as a result of bringing up other women. I know if a guy liked me, but did that with me, I would get annoyed. Not out of jealousy, but frustration. Most of the time, the woman in question isn't stupid and has a feeling you're trying to 'feel her out'. But it's still a turn-off that said guy can't just come out and say it. I find it strange how men often wish women wouldn't play games, beat around the bush, and be more straightforward. Then this kind of stuff happens.
fishtaco Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Yup, as this thread illustrates, with all the various possible scenarios and perspectives, that the best thing to do, is to NEVER talk about anyone else, doesn't matter if you think it'll improve your situation or not. My personal experience agrees with this as well. Even much more mundane and minor statements I make are often interpreted by women in some odd negative direction that I've never imagined. Arguably critical topics like this should just never be mentioned. Venus/Mars thing. Even when I'm asked, I try to be as vague as possible. "Yeah, some chick was talking to me. I think she was bored." The end.
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