ditzchic Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 I've been hanging out with a guy for a couple weeks now. We've been on three official "dates". I like him. I'm not sure if it's going to go anywhere but I'd like to see. We haven't had any kind of exclusivity talk or anything and I feel it's too early to have it. Thing is, he was out on Saturday night and some girl apparently took a shine to him. He texted me to tell me all about it. While it was going on. He was giving me a play by play practically. According to his story he was rejecting her because he "had someone else he was more interested in" (me, I'm assuming) but this seems soooo weird to me! Obviously it was important to him that he was being hit on if he felt the need to tell me allll about it. It made me really uncomfortable. I get hit on when I go out too. I've never felt the need to tell a guy I'm just kinda seeing about it. He is 29 and I am 30. I feel we are way too old for this kind of game. Was he trying to make me jealous? Is he really just that insecure? Was he hoping for permission? What the hell was he doing? And how big of a red flag is this?
Star Gazer Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 I have had a guy do something similar more than once, and each time it was his way to bring up the exclusivity talk... 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 It's a reverse-ego thing.... he may well have young ladies hitting on him, but he's trying to make you jealous, and consider yourself so lucky to have him as an interest.... But it may also be that he's boosting his own self-importance to make himself feel better, by giving the impression he's one hell of a catch.... Next time he does it, tell him you can't talk now, you're handling a couple of guys who seem to be very keen on you. Could he call you in the morning? You should be done by then.... And see what happens...... 1
carhill Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 OP, during the play-by-play, did you respond to any of his texts?
zengirl Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Bottom line, OP: It's bad behavior. Mildly bad behavior you can choose to overlook, sure, depending on what comes next (we all have SOME bad behavior; I would not tolerate this one personally, but that's how I operate, and I don't think the behavior necessarily makes him a bad guy). Whether it's motivated by immature insecurity and going about exclusivity in that way or motivated by showing off how great he is. . . the behavior bugged you, right? And it was clearly attention-seeking, right? So ignore it and don't respond to it if he tries it again. Giving it attention only gives him the validation he wants and perpetuates the behavior. I'd say the flag is pretty mild, in terms of red flags, left alone, but it'd certainly be wise to try to asses what kind of guy he is overall before seriously considering him as a major prospect---then again, that's always true. I have had a guy do something similar more than once, and each time it was his way to bring up the exclusivity talk... I thought it could maybe be that, but either way, it's a very immature way to go about it.
Author ditzchic Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 OP, during the play-by-play, did you respond to any of his texts? I didn't respond. My phone was in my purse and I didn't see the messages as they were coming through. His last text said that he showed her all the messages he was sending me as he was sending them. I responded about an hour later and told him my phone wasn't on me, sorry I didn't get back to him. He said he had already told her to get lost and he was kind of a jerk to her when she wouldnt leave him alone. Then he texted me again maybe a half hour later saying she came back and tried again. All I responded with was "play nice" and then went about my business with my friends who I was out with. I was really kind of stunned. I had no idea what to say. Of course, it's nice if he doesn't want to mess with other girls but I'm not playing games. I don't know him well enough to throw a hissy about it or get jealous. I feel 2-3 weeks of hanging out is too early for me to have huge expectations about his behavior towards other women. I don't really have the right to get mad if he wants to flirt or not. If he wants to play the field, I'm fine with it. I'd just rather not know every detail about it. And if he wants to go exclusive, I prefer he just say that instead of trying to get me jealous and catty so I'll say the words. I've never been the jealous or catty type. If he wants someone else he knows where the door is.
Imajerk17 Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 (edited) Yeah I don't get these games guys today are playing. It might be cute if a girl played them, but a guy? Seems like he is a little confused about gender roles. I'm guessing his intent was to get you jealous so you'd want him more. You'd take in his story about how another woman finds him so attractive and you'd be thinking what a cool guy you're seeing and lock him down while you can. It's understandable in a way but it reeks of immaturity. Anyway ditzchic, you gotta find yourself a real man! Edited March 5, 2012 by Imajerk17
carhill Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Silence can be a healthy expression of a boundary. It's been a couple weeks. You like him. This event kind of stunned you, so silence, even incidentally, is a natural response, IMO. No huge investment here. See how it goes and entertain other potentials. Things usually work themselves out. Good luck
AlexDP Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Yeah I don't get these games guys today are playing. It might be cute if a girl played them, but a guy? Seems like he is a little confused about gender roles. I'm guessing his intent was to get you jealous so you'd want him more. You'd take in his story about how another woman finds him so attractive and you'd be thinking what a cool guy you're seeing and lock him down while you can. It's understandable in a way but it reeks of immaturity. Anyway ditzchic, you gotta find yourself a real man! It's not cute at all. If my current girlfriend resorts to game playing, I tell her to cut it out. Then we sit down and talk about it and she apologises. I hope that if I would play games, she would do the same. I love her, I honestly do, but manipulative behaviour is repulsive and should be dealt with.
AlexDP Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 As a man I can say that this particular issue isn't always about playing games. It could be him bonding with you. I know, odd and not the way to do it, but still. He's letting you in on a secret. You and him now both know he does not like the other woman. Some men say these things to artificially boost their "value". I'm sure you could have run into a so called "PUA" who sees you as a "HB8" he could "F-close", if he's seen as an "alpha male". He might think he can do so by making it look as if he's being hit on a lot. But who knows? You know the guy, trust your gut.
Imajerk17 Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 (edited) It's not cute at all. If my current girlfriend resorts to game playing, I tell her to cut it out. Then we sit down and talk about it and she apologises. I hope that if I would play games, she would do the same. I love her, I honestly do, but manipulative behaviour is repulsive and should be dealt with. Operative words are "might be". This sort of thing is in the domain of women--although not every woman does this. You are right though, it's more annoying than anything else. Edited March 5, 2012 by Imajerk17
vsmini Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Ugh. Annoying - I would have said "did you mean to text this to me?" maybe that would give him the hint. I think being direct is ALWAYS best. Just ask him why he's doing that. Then you'll get your answer - he might just tell you something lame like "because I thought it was funny." just reply with a simple and unimpressed "oh." and he should get the hint as well.
Star Gazer Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 I thought it could maybe be that, but either way, it's a very immature way to go about it. Oh for sure. In the OP, it sounded like he was being more cutesy... but her followups have belied the fact that's not the case at all. I was thinking he was saying something like, "So, this woman is hitting on me, but I told her that I'm kinda seeing someone..." which might evolve into "...and I only want to see that someone - you. What do you think about only seeing each other?" Or something like that. But he turned really weird with it... Eeek.
Author ditzchic Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 I do this sometimes, but that like another poster said, i feel close enough to share this information. Not because i want to show that I am all alpha. Some girls don't take this as a compliment of me feeling closer to them. I think that if you are doing it as a way to let someone know you feel close to them, you should probably wait until you actually are somewhat close. At 2-3ish weeks with no real talk of exclusivity or feelings and just light fun dates, you're not close. You're practically strangers still. And I think feigning that you are close is just another sign of emotional insecurity and immaturity. See, if I actually KNEW him well enough I would know what he was doing with these texts. I hardly know him so it just left me uncomfortable, confused and irritated. And if he actually KNEW me well enough, he would know that that's how I would react to something like that.
zengirl Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 But don't you see, because you are not a couple, he feels he can do that. Like a to a friend, since you are not BF GF...like I am "seeing" this older woman. I am 32 she is 48. And we just "having fun", for past 3 weeks, not a couple, so i feel free telling her what girls were hitting on me in the bars. Since we can both see other people. In OP's case, they CAN both see other people but I don't think they've openly discussed it. VERY different from a situation where you both are on the same page with just having fun---instead she is just in a beginning dating situation which could go any number of places.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 But don't you see, because you are not a couple, he feels he can do that. Like a to a friend, since you are not BF GF...like I am "seeing" this older woman. I am 32 she is 48. And we just "having fun", for past 3 weeks, not a couple, so i feel free telling her what girls were hitting on me in the bars. Since we can both see other people. Non-exclusivity gives people the leeway to not take their date's feelings into considerations. As with the OP, the guy thought by giving out this kind of information he's letting the OP know he's desirable by other females. It's a ego tactic done with distaste.
Author ditzchic Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 But don't you see, because you are not a couple, he feels he can do that. Like a to a friend, since you are not BF GF...like I am "seeing" this older woman. I am 32 she is 48. And we just "having fun", for past 3 weeks, not a couple, so i feel free telling her what girls were hitting on me in the bars. Since we can both see other people. That's a completely different situation though. We aren't FWB or even just friends. I am looking for something with serious potential only and supposedly so is he.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 That's a completely different situation though. We aren't FWB or even just friends. I am looking for something with serious potential only and supposedly so is he. Again, he's using game tactics to get a rise out of you. Yes, but we too go on movie and dinner "dates", we don't always have sex. it is almost like early dating, only we are not seeing each other as a couple...but this might lead some place, who knows... Sounds like you still have your options open. Understandable. But not every puts up with this kind of behaviour.
Author ditzchic Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 I agree it was in bad taste, but does that make him a bad person? There's no such thing as a bad person. But there is such a thing as someone who isn't worth my time or any emotional investment.
zengirl Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 There's no such thing as a bad person. But there is such a thing as someone who isn't worth my time or any emotional investment. Oh, there IS such a thing as a bad person (eventually bad actions can pile up and you become what you do), but this isn't in that territory, sure, or even close. It's your decision who's worth your time and effort. What I'd suggest is answering these questions: 1. Do you feel you still want to see the man after this event? 2. Is there any motivation for this event you would feel 'justifies' it or makes it 'better' or makes you more likely to want to invest/be willing to invest than other potential motivations? (If there is not, then the "what's his motive?" question is moot.) 3. Do you want to wait around and see what his motive might've been? I think, at any point, yes and no are both reasonable options. What he did isn't so bad that I think EVERYONE would or should see it as an immediate dumping offense, but if it turned you off enough, that's totally your right and your call for you and I could see how it would be for some people.
FitChick Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 My impression is that he isn't sure that you like him enough. Perhaps you aren't demonstrative so he thinks you are dating someone else? Give him another chance. Would you be ready to date him exclusively if not for that incident?
veggirl Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 My impression is that he isn't sure that you like him enough. Perhaps you aren't demonstrative so he thinks you are dating someone else? Give him another chance. Would you be ready to date him exclusively if not for that incident? Agreed. His behavior was immature but I don't think he had any bad intent with it. I'd give it another go, see what happens from here on out. Is he immature in other areas or was it just this? I think it'd be a shame to break it off if you are genuinely interested in getting to know him better over just this. I'd probably tell him the texts irked me and that they were unnecessary/childish, though. Perhaps his reaction to that would help you guage whether or not he is an overgrown manchild or just had an insecure moment.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Yeah, I recognize this as the behavior of an insecure guy who probably wants to establish exclusivity and is feeling you out. This guy I was dating a while back made a big deal of telling me about this girl who was hitting on him on the train. He told her he had a girlfriend, and asked me if I minded that he called me that. (We had not yet labeled anything.) I wouldn't write him off for this, but I would look out for other odd behavior rooted in insecurity. In my case, the guy's insecurity was the main problem.
Author ditzchic Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 My impression is that he isn't sure that you like him enough. Perhaps you aren't demonstrative so he thinks you are dating someone else? Give him another chance. Would you be ready to date him exclusively if not for that incident? This incident aside, I think I would have agreed to not see other people and focus on seeing where this goes. But this incident makes me shaky about it. Boundary pushers, game players and manipulators (along with liars which I think is universal) are the things that will make me run for the hills. This whole thing is just screaming "manipulation!" to me...
Author ditzchic Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 Agreed. His behavior was immature but I don't think he had any bad intent with it. I'd give it another go, see what happens from here on out. Is he immature in other areas or was it just this? I think it'd be a shame to break it off if you are genuinely interested in getting to know him better over just this. I'd probably tell him the texts irked me and that they were unnecessary/childish, though. Perhaps his reaction to that would help you guage whether or not he is an overgrown manchild or just had an insecure moment. He is immature in other ways. He admits he's insecure and is always freaking out about what I'm thinking and how he comes across to me. It makes me wonder if he's ever being real with me or if everything he does is some kind of act. He also says a lot of stupid things for someone that is supposedly so concerned about me liking him (overinformation about exes, other crushes he's had, telling stories that make him look bad, that kind of thing...)
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