Saphira Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 I have been seeing this married man since late September of 2011. I have known him for a good 3 years. He has been a friend of the family for maybe 4 years now. He is 47 and i will be 21 this month. When we began seeing each other intimately him and his wife had separated and he was in the process of filing for a divorce so i saw no big deal. However around late December early January they decided to get back together but me and him still see each other on the side. she is a nurse and works the 12 hour night shift. I feel horrible about it most of the time. I just wouldn't want that to be happening to me if i was in her place. But i am also into the guy and find it hard to stop. I have also come into a small delima. My last period was the 7th of January, so i missed all of February. i have an appointment set up for this morning to get tested. I am so nervous. what if i am pregnant with a married mans baby? He says he will be there but what if he is not? And if he is that means we would have to sit down and tell his wife that not only has he been cheating on her but knocked me up too?? I would be ruining a marriage and most likely the positive ties between our families. IDK if i am writing this for advice, i dont think i have a particular question that needs answering. Maybe i just need to rant a little. Nervous about my appointment today. But will let you know how it goes. Thanks for listening.
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 i like it that you say you feel horrible about it 'most of the time'.... whereas the remainder of the time, you obviously couldn't give a flying fart....? Well, if you are pregnant, that makes it a whole new ball game.... Really, you need to stop this. his reconciliation with his wife is absolutely nothing of the kind, and a complete sham. All he's doing is having his cake and eating it. If he were sincere in his feelings and intentions towards either of you, he would either have shied away from getting back together with her, and told her he'd moved on - or he would have told you in no uncertain terms - "I can't do this any more, I have to focus on my marriage and relationship with my wife." As it is, he's an older man taking advantage of a young, doubtless attractive , willing and sexually active vulnerable, immature woman. 'Vulnerable' in that you may now be pregnant, and any precautions you were taking were obviously completely insufficient. even if you're not pregnant, you're taking that risk, if you're thinking you might be.... 'Immature' in the sense that you're on the horns of a dilemma, whereas he has absolutely no problem continuing to cheat on his wife while she's out working. he doesn't give it a thought, even though he might give you the impression he does... He's a man of the world, he's been round the block a few times, and he likes what he's doing. It's paying off, isn't it? Two women, two beds, two types of attention.... He knows precisely what he's doing, and he doesn't give a damn, at all, at any time. even if you do "feel horrible about it most of the time." 1
leftfordead2 Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 I have been seeing this married man since late September of 2011. I have known him for a good 3 years. He has been a friend of the family for maybe 4 years now. He is 47 and i will be 21 this month. When we began seeing each other intimately him and his wife had separated and he was in the process of filing for a divorce so i saw no big deal. However around late December early January they decided to get back together but me and him still see each other on the side. she is a nurse and works the 12 hour night shift. I feel horrible about it most of the time. I just wouldn't want that to be happening to me if i was in her place. But i am also into the guy and find it hard to stop. I have also come into a small delima. My last period was the 7th of January, so i missed all of February. i have an appointment set up for this morning to get tested. I am so nervous. what if i am pregnant with a married mans baby? He says he will be there but what if he is not? And if he is that means we would have to sit down and tell his wife that not only has he been cheating on her but knocked me up too?? I would be ruining a marriage and most likely the positive ties between our families. IDK if i am writing this for advice, i dont think i have a particular question that needs answering. Maybe i just need to rant a little. Nervous about my appointment today. But will let you know how it goes. Thanks for listening. You're only 21, is young and inexperienced and have a whole world ahead of you. You deserve to discover and experience things for yourself at such a young age. He's 47, has already gained lots of life experience (hopefully) and his mind would be set in stone for many things. You guys are at two different life stages. Doesn't appear that things would end well...
Author Saphira Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 As of March 2011, she was still a virgin and she started having sex with him in September 2011. So this man was most likely her first - I'm guessing she's probably now "in love" with him. He was not my first. I lost mine in july to another guy i was starting a relationship with. It did not work out. this guy is my second. however i dont think i am in love with him. just enjoy my time with him. have fun. I didnt mind how it started because they were no longer together. she moved out. it is now that they are back that things are bothering me. I have had the talk with him already. after my appointment today if i am not pregnant it is to stop. If i am then we will see where it goes from here
TaraMaiden Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Does he know you might be pregnant? If yes, what was his reaction? regardless of whether you are or aren't, it has to stop. If you're pregnant, then yes, he will be a father. but that doesn't give him carte blanche to still have you there.... Besides which, consider the devastating effect on his wife once she knows she has a step-child......
Author Saphira Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 do people not use birth control anymore? even if you are pregnant that doesn't mean he is leaving his wife. it means you will probably be a single mom (if you keep the child) and you will need to be honest with your parents about your affair with a married man. expect your parents to hate him and expect all kinds of drama and angst. but, hey, you were having fun. not sure i believe all the 'guilt' you talk about because most people who feel guilty about something stop that behavior. I believe you can feel guilty and bad about doing something in the aftermath but during the activity not really think about it. I do feel bad because i would never want to be put into that position with my future boyfriend/husband. If i was pregnant he did say he would be there. I am not saying he would leave his wife or that we would be together in a relationship stand point. But i am sure she would leave. how many women would stick around after that?? p.s I found out i am not pregnant and yes i did start Birth control.
Trimmer Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 I believe you can feel guilty and bad about doing something in the aftermath but during the activity not really think about it. So here's one of the secrets of adulthood: we adults learn to consider - before we do something - that it might have consequences that may make us feel guilty and bad, and then we factor that into our choice of whether to do it or not. I do feel bad because i would never want to be put into that position with my future boyfriend/husband. Would you respect your future boyfriend/husband if he "didn't really think about it" when he was in the middle of betraying you, but then felt guilty and bad about it in the aftermath? Make sure that everything you do is a choice. Be sure to take responsibility for everything you do. Saying you didn't think about it is just another way to say that you chose not to think about it. 1
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 A sure way of ending this? Tell your parents that you've had an affair with the 'family friend.' No way is this going to work out..For so many reasons. I was younger (late teens) and was with an older (single) man. Sex is great, especially if one is inexperienced. The problem is, you two click now but as time goes on things will change and you WILL get hurt. He is married and that's not going to change. He chose to work things out with his wife and you really need the strength to walk away..Now... If you can't/won't/too afraid/too addicted to how he makes you feel..JUST STOP. He isn't yours and you have so much to lose. Self respect, facing your parents, the fallout of the affair, dealing with his wife, facing yourself in the mirror when you full well KNOW this is wrong and a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off. It's only a matter of time before this blows up and so many people will be affected by this. You are young! Don't continue down that cheating pathway! I bet you can't even tell your friends. Or take him to a party, show him off to the world! The guy is married..A family friend! Stop. The. Affair. 1
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 If i was pregnant he did say he would be there. I am not saying he would leave his wife or that we would be together in a relationship stand point. But i am sure she would leave. how many women would stick around after that?? Did he tell you this before or after you found out you weren't pregnant? MM lie! This guy is crafty and skilled at manipulating. Don't believe everything he says to you! Take the blinders off and take a step back.
KathyM Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Why would you want a 47 year old married guy? Seriously, you're 21 years old. That's like having sex with your dad. 1
NoIDidn't Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 End it Saphira! Your parents are going to be so seriously pissed that their "friend" didn't respect their family or their "baby girl" enough to not do this. And, yet, I still think you need to tell them too! I hate reading stuff like this. Middle-aged man taking advantage of young lady with no real life experience yet! 6
Author Saphira Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 A sure way of ending this? Tell your parents that you've had an affair with the 'family friend.' No way is this going to work out..For so many reasons. I was younger (late teens) and was with an older (single) man. Sex is great, especially if one is inexperienced. The problem is, you two click now but as time goes on things will change and you WILL get hurt. He is married and that's not going to change. He chose to work things out with his wife and you really need the strength to walk away..Now... If you can't/won't/too afraid/too addicted to how he makes you feel..JUST STOP. He isn't yours and you have so much to lose. Self respect, facing your parents, the fallout of the affair, dealing with his wife, facing yourself in the mirror when you full well KNOW this is wrong and a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off. It's only a matter of time before this blows up and so many people will be affected by this. You are young! Don't continue down that cheating pathway! I bet you can't even tell your friends. Or take him to a party, show him off to the world! The guy is married..A family friend! Stop. The. Affair. Thank you. your comment has really opened things up for me. I do need to end it and i will. I will have a conversation with him tonight. as far as him being there if i was pregnant. He said that before we found out that i was not. And as far as me telling the family, I am not sure i will go that far. I will end it between us and that is that. I Know that if my family ever finds out about it later, which is always destine to happen it will be HUGE. however i am not ready to tell them all of that. atleast not yet anyway.
Fitz Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 1. End the affair. 2. Stop having sex without condoms/protection until you are in a committed relationship (and even then you can still get cheated on and end up in herpes, HPV, HIV etc.) Why do people have unprotected sex in cheating relationships? WHY WHY WHY? Men who sleep around are exactly that! They are men who sleep around! Do you think he understands fidelity? Do you think he has self control? Do you think you are invincible to disease? Sorry to rant, but my girlfriend (now ex-GF) was sleeping around (without protection) and I'm pissed that I have to go get tested for STDs now (not that I have any symptoms or anything, but still...). Don't make affairs any messier than they already are.
Author Saphira Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 1. End the affair. 2. Stop having sex without condoms/protection until you are in a committed relationship (and even then you can still get cheated on and end up in herpes, HPV, HIV etc.) Why do people have unprotected sex in cheating relationships? WHY WHY WHY? Men who sleep around are exactly that! They are men who sleep around! Do you think he understands fidelity? Do you think he has self control? Do you think you are invincible to disease? Sorry to rant, but my girlfriend (now ex-GF) was sleeping around (without protection) and I'm pissed that I have to go get tested for STDs now (not that I have any symptoms or anything, but still...). Don't make affairs any messier than they already are. You dont have to apologize for ranting. you are absolutely correct. It was stupid of me to be having unprotected sex with anyone especially a married man who sleeps around. I understand the point you are making. I am sorry about your situation.
stillafool Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 i like it that you say you feel horrible about it 'most of the time'.... whereas the remainder of the time, you obviously couldn't give a flying fart....? :lmao:TaraMaiden you're too much!
stillafool Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 I just wouldn't want that to be happening to me if i was in her place. But i am also into the guy and find it hard to stop. Remember the above statement because there is such a thing as Karma. Get out of this mess now before you hurt more people.
alexandria35 Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Saphira this guy makes me so mad. You should be mad at him but apparently you're not so I'll be mad on your behalf. I wish you could see what a selfish user this man is. Bad enough that he crossed boundaries and went after the daughter of a friend while he was seperated, but to go back to his wife and then expect you to keep his dirty secrets for him, well that just takes the cake. If this guy had any respect or love for you at all he would never put you in this position. When a man loves you he is proud to be with you and wants everyone to know that you're with him. He doesn't ask you to skulk around in the shadows with him and keep quiet about your involvement with him. He wouldn't expect you to lie and keep your relationship a secret from your family or your parents. If this guy respected you and loved you he would think you deserve so much better and he would let you go even if it hurt. 3
USMCHokie Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 This is what I like to call the "natural selection" of the dating world...
NoIDidn't Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 This is what I like to call the "natural selection" of the dating world... I'm curious what you mean by this. I've heard others say this before as well, and they've been men too. I don't want to assume your meaning, so I won't say what I think.
USMCHokie Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 I'm curious what you mean by this. I've heard others say this before as well, and they've been men too. I don't want to assume your meaning, so I won't say what I think. Natural selection in the theory of evolution is the principle that only the strongest of a species survives, so nature "selects" only the most viable and suitable to live on, while the weak and unadapted die off... In the dating world, I use this term to mean that the weak, damaged, or otherwise undateable individuals take themselves off the dating market by involving themselves in destructive situations like this, and rightly so. They never learn and never adapt, so they would ideally get paired with other similarly weak and undateable individuals. Therefore, the quality dating pool is not tainted by their presence.
Author Saphira Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 Natural selection in the theory of evolution is the principle that only the strongest of a species survives, so nature "selects" only the most viable and suitable to live on, while the weak and unadapted die off... In the dating world, I use this term to mean that the weak, damaged, or otherwise undateable individuals take themselves off the dating market by involving themselves in destructive situations like this, and rightly so. They never learn and never adapt, so they would ideally get paired with other similarly weak and undateable individuals. Therefore, the quality dating pool is not tainted by their presence. So you are saying i am weak, damaged, or undateable? Thats a little rude dont you think? I dont think im weak or undateable. You dont really know me well enough to just establish those as my characteristics.
denise_xo Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 Natural selection in the theory of evolution is the principle that only the strongest of a species survives, so nature "selects" only the most viable and suitable to live on, while the weak and unadapted die off... In the dating world, I use this term to mean that the weak, damaged, or otherwise undateable individuals take themselves off the dating market by involving themselves in destructive situations like this, and rightly so. They never learn and never adapt, so they would ideally get paired with other similarly weak and undateable individuals. Therefore, the quality dating pool is not tainted by their presence. This particular part of your theory doesn't really correspond to reality in a general sense. It certainly doesn't seem to correspond to the OP's reality.
OpenBook Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 (edited) Life breaks us all... but in the end we are stronger in the broken places. (Ernest Hemingway) Our story isn't over yet. Edited March 8, 2012 by OpenBook corrected quote 1
USMCHokie Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 This particular part of your theory doesn't really correspond to reality in a general sense. It certainly doesn't seem to correspond to the OP's reality. Meh, it certainly depends on the individual...I'm sure many people do grow and adapt after experiencing adversity, but there are countless numbers of people they never do learn from their mistakes and experiences...often they have absolutely no self-awareness and dont even think there is anything wrong with them...or they blame the world for their problems... Just look at some of the threads on LS...
USMCHokie Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 So you are saying i am weak, damaged, or undateable? Thats a little rude dont you think? I dont think im weak or undateable. You dont really know me well enough to just establish those as my characteristics. I don't need to know who you are; I only speak on the words you wrote...and I make my conclusions based solely on those words. And self-awareness is a rare thing... But of course I might be a little biased being in an organization where adultery is a criminal offense...and where I genuinely fear infidelity... But if you take two people with no integrity and put them together, that's two less people with no integrity in the dating market...that's the point... 2
Recommended Posts