Kohlminery Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Sorry this is gonna be a bit long. I met this girl in summer 2010 through friends in country A. We are both from that country but she lived in country B and she happened to be on vacation when we met. We had a couple of dates and there was connection but we didn't take it any further as she was going to country B for a year. During that year, I visited her once (we kissed but she didn't want any relationship), and we chatted almost everyday. I learned she had plans to go find a job in country C. She kept going there and I learned from sources that she had someone she met in country C so that was why she was trying to go there (she never mentioned anything about the guy). Basically she met the guy right before she met me while she was rebounding off a relationship, and she quickly did plans to try to find a job next to him. She doesn't know him very well but she did everything to maintain the long distance with him as she finds him very attractive and impressive (as compared to her abusive exes) Then when summer 2011 came, she moved to country A where I live and her family does too, and we saw each other almost everyday. She was still planning to find a job in country C. I kept pushing to move the relation one step further than friendship and this is when she broke the news that nothing happened between us because she had someone in country C. I told her that it doesn't matter because she still didn't get a job there so we started flirting for about 2 months when she got a couple of job interviews in country C. She went there, stayed at his place, and came back two weeks later with no sure signs she would get the job, so she pushed us into sexual relationship. It was great, then a week later she gets the job offer and decides to go there after 2 month (in December). Here we started debating whether we should be together and she didn't seem very excited but she was lost too. One week after she goes to country C, she comes back to my country to tell me that she has decided to leave the guy and be with me. And that she will move to her own place after 2 weeks and that it's just a matter of time. Once she moved out, I visited her twice and during our visits he was very clinging and kept calling her and it drove me nuts because I thought she had ended it with him. I left her twice during the 2 months because I felt she was not over him completely and she was allowing him to talk to her. And every time she was coming back to me and telling me that she just needs to explain to him and that he doesn't seem to understand that she doesn't see herself with him. She kept for the last two months intense contact with me but did disappear at times, she promised me it's just a matter of time until he gets it once and for all, and then she told him about me, and he said he will fight for her... To my surprise, 2 weeks ago she calls me to tell me she doesn't wanna go long distance with me, that I'm an amazing person but she can't handle long distance cause she's emotionally dependent. I told her that she disappointed me and that she is doing a mistake. Then I let her go, but she immediately switched her mind and said that ok she was willing to give it a try. She dumped the guy and was feeling bad about it; he told her she doesn't exist for him anymore and cut contact with her. This trial LDR lasted for a week, when I discovered they were talking again and I let her go. She didn't attempt to save it and she said it was for the best. Since then she attempted to text me and call me, but I barely replied. Basically, I'm the safe kind of guys, mature, kind but not needy, etc. with whom she sees herself with in the long term, while the other one is a wounded walking guy, kind of a bad boy who took her for granted for over a year until she seriously threatened to leave him for me. Now she fell for his comedy again, he promised her he will change and will prove to her that he truly loves her. She is staying in country C until the summer and wants to experience this internship and the country with him, with an option to extend another year. Now they're back together and she is no longer contacting me. I think the girl is lost between living her experience with the bad boy and not losing me (that's why she tried to play both of us for a while) but now I'm really sick of this and cut her off. On the back of my head, I know the connection with the girl is great but the spark was stronger with the other dude. I know she knows I'm the safer bet but I also know that the guy will do everything to dupe her into long term relation because she's way better than him in all aspects. I'm afraid for her because she has always picked and did major life sacrifices for emotionally abusive and manipulative guys who turned out to be ****. This one is definitely another one but maybe it will be too late before she realizes it. I wouldn't mind having her wake the f up once and for all and come committed to me once she sorts out herself but I don't want to keep hopes on it. Every guy she dumped ran after her, and I'm the only once who is really not planning on running after her because I don't need her for anything but love. What should I do? continue NC until summer and see where we stand? Keep talking every once in a while? Any other ideas, besides dumping her?
Jono85 Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 i think you should stop being this girl's doormat. she basically can have you when she wants (from your brief history) and you need to stop that. she's left you or you've cut her off multiple times only to take her back after. from her perspective, why in the world wouldn't she date this guy while she lives there, knowing if it fails, you'll be waiting with open arms to accept her back. that's what you have taught her unfortunately. so stop it. cut her off. completely. don't be her backup plan. she has chosen him over you. it's time to start the healing process, and move on. it really sucks, i've been there. this girl's head clearly isn't right, and you can undoubtedly do better.
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