NeverAgainDC Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Hi Love Shack family - My girlfriend of two years broke up with me three weeks ago. We lived together but I finally moved out last Wednesday. I'd say that we had a really good relationship minus a few early insecurities on my part but I put those behind me and moved forward. We had our expected fights but they were minimal and we handled them like mature adults. My ex called off an engagement four years ago and since then hasn't been in a relationship that lasted longer than four months. She's told me numerous times that I have treated her better than any of her previous boyfriends and that she has feelings for me that she's never had for anyone before. However, about eight months into the relationship, she said that she had these uncertainties and that something just doesn't feel right. I tried asking her what is was that caused these feelings but she never would give me a solid answer. But things were still great and we kept moving along. We talked about marriage and were excited to spend the rest of our lives together. I told her on Christmas eve that I wanted to ask her father's permission to have her hand in marriage and she broke down in tears and said that she wasn't sure that she could say yes. We talked about things again and she said that she wanted to marry me and have a family with me but things just didn't feel right. I told her that I was willing to work with her on this and she agreed. After that, things went back to normal and we continued to enjoy each other. Two months later, she tells me that she can't do it anymore and that we're done. I took it as best as I could and was respectful throughout the whole ordeal and moved out on good terms. Since the breakup, her brother and sister emailed me and said that they were sorry that things didn't work out between the two of us and that they really liked me. My ex even went as far as to tell me last week that whoever she dates in the future will have to live up to my standards. But she also reaffirmed that she was done and ready to move on. It hurts but I'm hanging on to hope that she returns. After all, she has said numerous times that she has never had feelings like she does for me and that I have treated her the best. Am I fooling myself here ? Thanks in advance for your advice.
Falcon25 Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 I stopped reading when you wrote "she said I treated her better than her other boyfriends". That's where you messed up. She got bored. Welcome to women. ONE WHO CARES LEAST, CONTROLS THE RELATIONSHIP> DO NOT CARE AS MUCH. DON'T TREAT HER LIKE A PRINCESS. THEY GET BORED. You can salvage this, if you start treating her SECOND to your life. YOU COME FIRST. She has lost attraction to you. Start being a bad boy. IF YOU DON'T WANT COMMITMENT, YOU WILL GET COMMITMENT. COMMITTMENT IS FOR GIRLS. SHE SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE, BEGGING, PLEADING, NOT YOU!
Philosoraptor Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 You treated her well but that doesn't mean she was happy in the relationship. It doesn't seem like she felt the same spark and attraction to you that you felt for her. Even when treated well, it doesn't replace attraction and that gut feeling regarding what you want out of life. I stopped reading when you wrote "she said I treated her better than her other boyfriends". That's where you messed up. She got bored. Welcome to women. ONE WHO CARES LEAST, CONTROLS THE RELATIONSHIP> DO NOT CARE AS MUCH. DON'T TREAT HER LIKE A PRINCESS. THEY GET BORED. You can salvage this, if you start treating her SECOND to your life. YOU COME FIRST. She has lost attraction to you. Start being a bad boy. IF YOU DON'T WANT COMMITMENT, YOU WILL GET COMMITMENT. COMMITTMENT IS FOR GIRLS. SHE SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE, BEGGING, PLEADING, NOT YOU! These are games that only work on the weak. You'd be better off meeting and dating emotional adults who are confident within themselves. 1
strength-abounds Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Whoa!!! One day she said she wasn't sure about marrying you and just 2 weeks later said she wanted to have a family with you? This isn't a decision that can be made in 14 days. It takes women YEARS to comprise a mental image of what they want in a husband and the father of their children to be; she made that decision in the time frame it takes to age, cook, and eat a really good steak. Take some time and think about whether or not this indecisive behavior is what you want in the mother of your children.
Numb79 Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 I suggest you just let this go. Hope can be a very dangerous thing in this situation. It will literally prevent you from moving on. Once you are able to let go of hope then you will be forced to move on. I know this is a harsh reality check but in the end its whats best for you. I too, am struggling with letting go of hope. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot force someone to feel a certain way for me. Its kind of like when you two first hooked up..... it just kind of happened. You didn't have to force these feelings.... it came on their own. You have to realize that this is no longer your choice to make..... the ball is in her court. If she tells you that it is over.... the best thing for you is to respect her wishes and do whats best for you. It will take time..... as far as how much time, no one can tell you. Just do the best you can day to day. Know that what you are feeling is normal and don't try to fight it. Embrace whatever emotions that will be coming your way and face it head on. Its only human to feel this way. It will get better..... that I promise. Stay strong during this time and let her remember you for who you were. She made her decision knowing the outcome and it appears she is willing to live with it. If she wants to change her mind..... she knows where to find you. In the mean time, focus on youself and get better. Everyone deserves to be happy.... including you!
Author NeverAgainDC Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 Thanks for the replies everyone. I emailed her today to make sure she is holding up well and that she wasn't upset about anything as she seemed that way yesterday. Here's how she responded: I am not angry at you and I don't want you to worry about me or think you did anything "wrong." I think we both just have different ways of dealing with the situation, as I think we realized before, and it's hard. I want some time and space and to just think on my own, and I think (just think, but I'm sure you know better) that you'd prefer to talk about it and hear more from me. For me, I think that just makes it harder on both of us ultimately, but I can only speak for myself for certain. Of course, my caring and concern for you wants to offer that to you, to be there and try to answer your questions, but I can't see being able to do that without making it harder, at least on one of us. You are a great person with many very good friends and I hope they'll support you (maybe you're thinking, "they are, I know, that's not what I want..." - I don't know), but I hope they can offer the talks and such that you need and feelings to move forward. I'm sorry, wish I could say more to help. I've thought about sending an email a few times to try one more time to explain myself better, but fear that too could just make it worse rather than better, and maybe I still will, but also can't as long as we keep talking anyway and other stuff comes up. It doesn't give me time to get my thoughts together and try to figure out how I can best help you, if at all, if that's even the right word, when I feel pulled back into other conversations and such. Besides us, I could talk with you about lots of things and see how things are going etc., but knowing that we've had a difficult time communicating on other things and feeling differently now, I think spending time on those talks would only eventually, if not quickly loop back into the relationship/feelings/explanation talks. Hmmm...I'm sorry. Not sure if even all that makes sense. I hope it does at least a little bit. To at least put it briefly - no, I am not mad at you at all. In fact, I really really wish you well and to be happy...and I know that has to be without me, but I also know it can be. It's better that way - somewhere in between will just be holding us both back, as tough as it may be. Hope that helps. :-/
jus d'orange Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Her response seems really mature-- you both need space. Whatever her reasons are, if she chooses to lose you from her life, then you have to recognize that she isn't right for you. Regarding how to deal with hope... the solutions for what to do if you hope she will come back and for what to do if you have no hope are, fortunately, identical. You need to give both of you space and time to heal. As in, no fixed reconnection, no nothing. You drop out of each others' lives as much as possible and begin to settle into a new reality where she is no longer part of your life. You need to maintain as much control as you can over your thoughts-- you will get over this, you need to remain positive, you need to see this as being for the best. Your emotions will be what they will be; do not try to repress negative thoughts. If both of you move on with your lives, there is a chance you could reconnect someday and start a new relationship together. Perhaps then, she'd be ready to commit to you. At this moment, and until both of you have moved on, there is no hope that she will suddenly develop the qualities necessary to repair this broken relationship. Ironically, the best chance you have of a real, future relationship with her is by moving on as if there is no hope. However, this also means that, if she never comes back to you, it won't matter to you, because you'll still be living your life with positive intent. You will be happy; her part in your life is yet to be determined, but you can decide to be happy. This is the way to do it.
Falcon25 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 If you listen to me, you will salvage this. If you don't, she's gone. 1
jus d'orange Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Falcon is entitled to his opinion, but I'd recommend you stay away from manipulative games like this. You seem like a straight up guy; would you respect yourself if someone stayed with you out of a feeling of neediness and inferiority? I didn't think so. Relationships end; it isn't necessary to keep someone who is weak-minded around so you can satisfy your own ego. How offensive to the concept of love and commitment. The right person will appreciate being treated well whilst respecting your own needs and desires. They will retain attraction and commitment to you because of your balanced approach as well as your kindness. If someone leaves you because you treated them well, then they don't deserve you. However, it doesn't appear that that's the case here anyway.
Falcon25 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 If you keep making her the center of your life, you will lose her. My last warning.
Sugarkane Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 These stories are sad especially when there is no real reason to breakup. It is like what do these people actually want, total perfection? You deserve so much better than this person. Someone who actually appreciates you. Instead of I don't knows.
Kamila Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Yes, it's like what Sugarkane said, some people are just harder to please and aim for that 'perfection'. They aren't satisfied and don't want to accept what they have. But then again, if she finds it difficult to maintain a relationship with that feeling of 'I don't know', then it's best to let her go. It's not the easiest way out, but then you'll be able to let go of of hope.
ChrisMac Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 I'd be curious to know what her childhood was like here I.e., was it great, with loving parents and siblings, or did they split when she was young and they're moved the type who are rather removed from reality? It sounds like a bunch of psychogibberish but I've seen time and again that people -- men and women -- who were never part of a loving family have a really tough time staying together with someone who's great and nice and caring. It's almost like if things aren't always sh|t they don't know how to deal with it and just lose interest.
KissingItBetter Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 There is always hope. But don't push it. Kissingitbetter | Facebook
loveydove Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 I stopped reading when you wrote "she said I treated her better than her other boyfriends". That's where you messed up. She got bored. Welcome to women. ONE WHO CARES LEAST, CONTROLS THE RELATIONSHIP> DO NOT CARE AS MUCH. DON'T TREAT HER LIKE A PRINCESS. THEY GET BORED. You can salvage this, if you start treating her SECOND to your life. YOU COME FIRST. She has lost attraction to you. Start being a bad boy. IF YOU DON'T WANT COMMITMENT, YOU WILL GET COMMITMENT. COMMITTMENT IS FOR GIRLS. SHE SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE, BEGGING, PLEADING, NOT YOU! Is this a joke? Pleading and marriage is for girls? Welcome to the 21st century, not all women want to have to beg a complete idiot to marry them.
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