Does he love me?

[Love2Love11]

I have been dating this man for one year. I feel some very intense feelings for him and would definitely go as far as to say I love him. I am confused as to how he feels... He treats me great, has sweet nicknames for me ("sweetheart"...), and seems genuinely concerned that I'm always comfortable/happy/etc. He even introduced me to his family about 3-4 months in. My problem is this, he does not say he loves me, nor does he feel comfortable talking about how he feels about me. I feel he does although I'm conflicted because if you love someone you would want them to know right?? Any advice or thoughts would so be appreciated! Thanks

[Leigh 87]

Can you tell us more about the situation?

 

- how often do u see each other?

 

- How close are you so far? Are u very close, t ell each other everything, are you best friends?

 

 

 

I would say, if you are around a person a few days a week, and fully know them, that he should know by now that he loves you.

 

 

Of course, he may love u but not be able to understand it fully himself, so do not write off your relationship with him based on the opinions of love shack!.

 

 

People on love shack have no idea how he r eallty feels, however, MOST MEN will KNOW by 1 year, if they are in love.

 

 

If your boyfriend is not in love now, it is likely he never will be HOWEVER; there may be a chance he does already love you

 

OR, some people just take much longer to build the love. You could be the MINORITY of couples who are taking longer than usual.

 

 

 

 

I will re hash , though

 

- MOST guys know after 1 year.

 

- if a guy knows a girl very well, and does not love them after a year, it most likely will not result in true, romantcic love

 

- although, there are the chances that: he already loves y and does not know what to make of it

 

- has some personal barriars to love, and therefore it is taking longer than usual to fall inj love with u.

[Love2Love11]

We live fairly close by and see eachother at least twice a week. We're both in our 30's. I should also mention it has been a little while since he has been in a long-term relationship. I see that he's capable of loving and saying it because he's very close with his family and I hear him tell them all the time that he loves them...

[Love2Love11]

...and yes we do tell eachother everything. He has mentioned things to me before and then said "You're the only person i've ever told that to..." But then on the flip-side if I tell him how much I care about him he gets uncomfortable. I've not told him "I Love You" yet...

[Leigh 87]

I have no idea. After a year, most guys know. If he gets uncomfortable when you tell him how much you care, perhaps

 

- he is unsure if he truly loves u, and this is a relationship he can see lasting

- he obviously cares about u to some extent, as he HAS been around you a year: perhaps it is not the romantic love he feels?

- he cares about u, but is uncertain of where this will lead, long term.. and cares about hurting you

 

 

He is 30, has he been in love before?

 

If he has never been in love, some guys may mean it, but are too inexperienced to know if their feelings at legit.

[Love2Love11]

He was in love when he was much younger...the girl broke his heart. She got pregnant with someone else while they were together. I also found out not too long ago from a wife of his friend that when he met me he described me to his friend as amazing, perfect, yadda yadda... I really feel confident that there is love there, but I don't understand why it would be so hard for him to tell me. It makes me cautious that I may be getting myself in too far, and it makes me want to take steps back so I don't get hurt. Feeling very confused!

[Leigh 87]

He could be overly cautions, because of his last heartbreak. I am sure some men became afraid of falling in love again, after they get their heart broken.

 

 

Has he had many relationships before you? Sometimes people have good insticts and gut signals that tell them if love is there. Other times, people are totally sure love is there, when in fact, it is one sided.

 

Who knows. If your sure the love is there, u should ask him, given it is after a year. It is really concerning you, and I doubt u will be at peace with things until u have this discussion with him.

 

 

If I were in the position you describe, I would just say something like

 

" look, it is been a year, and I am fairly sure I love u, but because I am not sure how u feel, I try to ignore it until u tell me first"

 

Good luck with it, u need to seriously as him how he feels, no one on love shack can tell u the answer.

[Love2Love11]

I like Leigh's idea of asking directly, not sure why I have such a hard time being more upfront with him. I have always been very confident and upfront. To be very honest I have never had a hard time finding a guy. I get many men that flirt with me everywhere I go and I KNOW I could find someone else, so that's not what's keeping me in this relationship. He had not dated anyone seriously for many years before me and when I asked his friend's wife what was up with that, she said he has always been very picky and wouldn't want to date anyone for more than a couple dates. Everyone in his inner circle was shocked to see that he was dating someone for so long. That makes me feel a little special and I think with all factors it is what is keeping me around. I do love him, but under normal circumstances if a guy wasn't verbalizing strong feelings I wouldn't stick around to figure out how he felt... I do like the idea of getting a man's feedback on this one as well.

[veggirl]

If after one year he did not say "I love you" he never will....We guys fall for girls hard and fast, if we like them, so 2-3 months in, you would have heard for sure, if he did.

 

Why would you stay with someone who does not love you? You don't think you can get a better guy?

 

I disagree that everyone knows after 2-3 mos. I do agree that after a year, you know for sure.

 

OP, have you told him you love him? I couldn't be in a relationship where I have to walk on eggshells cause my man can't discuss feelings, it would be a dealbreaker. We all have pasts, we all have been hurt...if it is still affecting him to the point he can't verbalize his feelings, he should be in therapy and not dating.

 

I think you are scared to be upfront with him because you are scared of his reaction. If you ask if he loves you, are you prepared for him to say no?

[Love2Love11]

Yes I think ultimately I am scared of the chance he won't give me a "strong" yes! Last night when we were together his dog was being very sweet with me and he looked over and said "she really loves you." It was weird because the way he was looking at me and his tone made me feel like he was trying to say "I love you" without actually saying it. I completely froze and turned red...sounds ridiculous right?? I think I am so frozen at this point of being able to talk to him about his feelings, or mine, due to the lack of communication up to this point that it's making me question everything. Communication is KEY...I know this. Why have I gone from a confident outspoken woman to weak and scared? I have never felt like this before. I want to add that in the past I have been so scared of getting hurt that I have left men that I had feelings for (before any chance of getting hurt by them) and I have stayed with men that I cared about but wasn't as attracted to and wanted as much. I think this might be the first time I've really cared for a man and was attracted to him, etc. and I am fighting that feeling of not wanting to be hurt, but forcing myself NOT to run...but his lack of communicating his feelings (I've never had a guy hold back) is really messing up my progress here! Ha!

[Ninjainpajamas]

He was in love when he was much younger...the girl broke his heart. She got pregnant with someone else while they were together. I also found out not too long ago from a wife of his friend that when he met me he described me to his friend as amazing, perfect, yadda yadda... I really feel confident that there is love there, but I don't understand why it would be so hard for him to tell me. It makes me cautious that I may be getting myself in too far, and it makes me want to take steps back so I don't get hurt. Feeling very confused!

 

From the sound of it, it doesn't seem like he ever intended to share those intimate and deeper emotions with you.

 

Every man has his sad story, I'm not sure why women hang on to this so much and believe that's the sole reason that the man will not love her. Do you really think that he could help himself from falling in love with you If you really were the one for him?

 

I'm sure he describes you well to his friends, most guys aren't going to trash you when speaking about you to other people, especially If they are with you. They're going to make you out to be a nice little package...that's the respectable thing to do, it only makes you look bad as the man for talking down about a woman you are with.

 

Honestly, even If you ask him you'll just get some lame excuse. But I mean after a year and he's not telling you that he loves you? I'm not sure how one tolerates that, If you're not in it for love what are you in it for? Or do you just think that he's on some mystical journey to figuring out that he loves you? I mean how much sense that does that even make?

 

I know women want to complicate or fill in a lot of grey area so that there is still hope with a lot of these kind of men, but you're at some point expecting a miracle. I do believe that men will know If they love you very early on, and If they feel too strongly about you and don't want you that close emotionally then they push you away at that time.

 

However If they feel in control of their emotions and they can keep you at an arms length during the relationship then they let you stick around because they see it as a "mutual trade" and you're both enjoying each others companionship and all that crap.

 

The emotion that men develop for you later on is not really love love, It's a kind of love that they develop for you for being there for them and not running away when you should have and sticking it through....think of it as a gold star for everything you endure for going through what you go through...because every man knows what you ultimately want, and he's intentionally keeping it from you, if not dangling it over your head by not telling you to move on or how he truly feels...which is obviously not good, or why wouldn't he tell you?

 

Go ahead and ask him what he feels and all that, but after one year of being together..he's going to choose his words carefully and give you half-truths because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings or make himself out to be a selfish dick. If you really knew the truth. That's obviously why he doesn't want to talk about emotions.

 

You should move on before you waste any more of your time, although at this point it might take another year...you're just digging yourself in deeper with a guy like this for no reason.

[Love2Love11]

wow...interesting info from a guy's perspective... Makes it sound like i'm being strung along. Do I just walk away? What's the point of asking him if he is just going to lie?

[TeeZee]

Hmm quite a few people think they really understand men in love. It comes down to what you want. Do you want to be in a relationship with this kind of man? If yes, then continue on. If no, tell him you want to be with someone who is more sure of how they feel.

[Leigh 87]

With love shack, there is ALWAYS a small chance that ythings are not what they seam! He COULD love you, even though it sounds VERY , very unlikely. We do not want to lead u into leaving a guy who does love u, but is too emotionally retarded to say anything!!!!!...............

 

Oops. Actually, even if he DID love you, u should tell him that unless he can verbalize his feelings properly, u WILL actualy leave him, LOL. Because, come on, u need a guy who can give u what u need. Him not communucating his feelings, even if HE DOES love u truly, is not enough for you.

 

 

 

 

It is very likely, however, that he does not truly love you, in the hard and deap way a guy loves a girl he wants to marry, or have a future with.

 

 

You need to tell him something like this : " I actually love you and want a future with you, but it is clear to me that you do not feel the same way. I do not want to leave you, because I am happy being around you, but I am not truly happy because I need a guy who feels the same way about me. It is one sided. ''

Make it clear, that you like being with him, and wish he would feel the same way about u, as U do about him... but that it simply is not that way, so u can never be happy with a guy who does not return and share your feelings...

[Ninjainpajamas]

wow...interesting info from a guy's perspective... Makes it sound like i'm being strung along. Do I just walk away? What's the point of asking him if he is just going to lie?

 

That's exactly what is being done, you're being strung along. What kind of guy that isn't stringing you along isn't going to tell you he doesn't love you after all this time? What's he waiting for? a sign from God (or whatever you believe in)?

 

Of course you walk away, If you have any self-respect and want or even feel you deserve more out of life, Is this what makes you happy? Do you want to be on this guys arm until he decides to tell you that there's nothing developing out of this and it's over? What do you think is happening right now or he's waiting on? He's basically just enjoying the time he has with you, but ultimately he doesn't have a future in mind for the both of you.

 

By him not telling you that he loves you, he probably figures you get the hint. And he likely likes the fact that you're not pressuring him...because he doesn't want to be pressured, bothered or asked...that would ruin this whole little situation he has with you. But he's not looking out for you and your goals and what you want out of this, this relationship is for what he needs.

 

The point in you asking is because people always want answers, they always want to know why, why, why, instead of just reading the obvious signs on the wall. All the signs are there, but the most important factor Is that you sense this, you see him tell his family he loves them but he doesn't tell you..that doesn't mean he's like some great loving guy waiting for you down the road and one day that will be you, in fact it's the opposite..he's showing you who he does love and does not in his life, there's not development process or something that will happen that will make him turn a corner. Look around you, there are plenty of women "waiting for their men to come around", don't be a fool and just waste your years away on a guy who doesn't want the same thing as you do. If this is what you like, then hell go for it If that's what floats your boat but obviously it seems like you want more and are just waiting.

 

Women need to understand that most men aren't going to come out and just tell you directly until the last moment that they have to or when they are pressured and have no choice. And even then it's going to be some half-ass excuse or explanation of what they can't do it or how it's them, when it really is you. Then you're going to sit there and drag yourself through it "hoping" that the bull**** you know is bull**** will somehow magically come true and all will be right within the world. Men aren't generally that honest, or communicative....ESPECIALLY If they want to keep you around until someone or something better comes along.

 

Chances are he's not going to say "hey guess what! I don't love you...just thought I'd let ya know...and we're not having a future, there's no possibility, I don't want anything to do with you...this is just for fun, for the time being until my needs are not being met with you in the interim!"

 

That's now what men do, they are vague, unclear, make it confusing, and because women like to hope so much and are emotional they just stick around anyway. Hell, even If he told you that, you might still stick around because you want to be with him and love him and all that crap. Plenty of women do that too, because they're insecure and believe that's all they deserve or think they can get. But at least he would have been honest with you and you had the choice.

 

You've got to use your head and protect yourself, you've got to read all the signs and trust you gut, and intuition. It's always going to tell you when something isn't right, stop trying to confuse yourself by manipulating your mind with silly excuses because of what you feel emotionally. It's generally always going to be confusing and getting mixed signals, but honestly the bottom line is always clear...it just depends on how strong you are in order to face the music and walk away...it has to come down to you.

 

You're going to want closure, but that's just giving him another opportunity to keep you clouded and confused, make some empty promises or tell you half-truths and things you want to hear...but honestly you probably need that in order to at least have an answer, most people do. But If he isn't going to be completely honest, it won't really help...you'll always be "confused" even though the answers are clear because they are right in front of your face, you just gotta be able to accept that.

[Love2Love11]

The more I talk this out with you all I am starting to feel like Leigh is correct in the last post and he may be "emotionally retarded." I have to be very honest in what I need and a lack of communication of feelings is going to ultimately be a deal breaker for ME. I don't know why it is so hard to walk away from this one...it's never been difficult in the past. I've even gotten a little boost from being the "heartbreaker" (was able to protect myself from ever getting hurt). I guess I was ready to fall in love and trust it...funny how life can be so damn ironic.

[Ninjainpajamas]

It always comes around and kicks you in the ass when you least expect it. Your turn always comes, nobody wins in the game of love which Is why I think people should just be more honest and open with one another and do the right thing when you know you're either stringing someone along or someone is doing it to you.

 

The issues you're dealing with are very common. And it hurts to accept that someone you had...what you thought to be a strong unquestionable connection, doesn't feel the same way about you. I understand the emotional aspect as well, but honestly the reason he cannot be with you is not important (although it makes it easier rationally to accept so you can move on) the bottom line is there's no reason good enough.

 

He could find someone else within a year and be married then magically be able to love again, that's how it goes sometimes.

Edited March 6, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[Love2Love11]

That's true about what comes around... Nobody wants to be the sucker, and I def feel like the sucker right now. After one year of dating you'd think you know someone inside and out. What's scary is that I really don't know him

[Leigh 87]

You ARE NOT a sucker; you are obviously a very loving person, who stayed with a guy, because u liked and even loved him!

 

 

It is very normal, for women to stay with a man they are developing love towards...... People stay with people they love being with.

 

 

However, after a year, you obviously do not love being with him, due to the fact he is not on the same page, emotionally, as you are. You probably love him, but he does not love you.

 

 

DO NOT feel silly. He obviously likes being around u enough - why would he have wasted a year with a girl he hated being around? He MUST enjoy your company very much - not every one can reach a stage of LOVE with you - no matter HOW much they " love" being around you.

[Tybalt]

I've been in your shoes. However, I managed to end it after 7 months of exclusive dating, though it could easily have gone a year or more.

 

NinjaInPajamas, as usual, is spot on. And it really doesn't matter WHY he doesn't love you, or even whether you call it "love," it only matters that he is not as into you as you are into him.

 

It wasn't easy to walk away, and it was hard for me to comprehend how all that time and intimacy could be shared with someone who in the end, found me a convenience, but didn't truly care for me in a deep way.

 

And the half-truths and unsatisfying partial responses will keep coming if you allow it. The "I care about you's" and such. At one point toward the end I actually asked him point blank, "Look, I know people after a period of dating have an idea which "camp" their partner falls in. They view the person as either marriage/long term material, or they know they aren't. So which am I?" Of course he told me he "wasn't sure." That was enough of an answer right there.

 

If you're suffering and agonizing over what he may or may not feel about you, looking desperately for "signs" of hope, he is NOT going to come around and be at your level of investment. Let him go. When I finally stopped communicating with my ex after telling him I felt things were one sided, I never heard from him again.

 

Personally, I don't even think badly of him for "leading me on" or any of that stuff. I knew. And I can't even blame him. He simply didn't love me/want me/have the same level of interest as I did. It stinks but it's life. And at least after that, I was free to have the possibility of really loving and being loved. And it will happen someday.

[Leigh 87]

I have started a thread about this very issue...

 

It really annoys me, actually, that a guy will bother with a girl just cos they bloody well " enjoy their company" a lot.

 

 

U have FRIENDS for that. U have GIRLFRIENDS for love and marriage. Of course, some men are not ready for the loves of their lives, and prefer to have fun with a girl they have a connection with, even if it is not " true love". Could be the OP's case, I suspect.....

 

 

In the OP's case, my analysis is that: he cares a lot about her, likes being around her a lot, and has grown to care about her so much that he confuses that with the sort of relationship he should stick with, simply because he HAS grown to care.

 

It is human nature, most of the time, for even guys to get attached if they spend a lot of time with a girl - a year is enough. They care a lot, and like being with the girl. For reasons, it does not bother them yet, that they are not the " raging, deap love" marriage material.

 

 

 

It baffles me, really though.. I WOULD NOT BOTHER with a guy, in a RELATIONSHIP, unless I KNEW he was the one I would marry.

 

 

I was not sure at first with my boyfriend, so I kept it casual. Told him to explore his options, while I still chatted to people for a while. Turns out, neither of us did anything, as we ended up in love.

 

 

It is all very confusing for you, i am sure... the fact some men will stay with girls they wil not marry or fall deaply in love with.