says he doesn't want a commitment and also almost hooked up with a MAN in front of me

[njruns75]

So I have been seeing this guy for about close to 2 months now. We have known each other since beginning of Dec. but only as friends. Our mutual friend introduced us. I wasn't attracted to him at all when we first met. We went out a bunch of times as friends and started going out a few times as friends alone, since he lives near by. Anyway, as I got to know him, he became way more attractive to me. He's super nice. A great guy. We started to develop something romantic and have been dating since. We spend every wkend together. He told me that if he could, he would spend every wkend with me and told me I gave him the best birthday ever a few weeks ago. He's very affectionate and complimentary. We have a great friendship and it's just amazing with him. He introduced me to his friends, and yesterday we went to a party with his friends and there weren't even any other girlfriends or women there with the group of friends. We have plans coming up this wkend where I may meet his sister and bro in law..

 

Anyway, he told our mutual friend right before we started dating, that he does not want a girlfriend right now. He had a 7 year relationship that ended 3 years ago. Has not dated anyone since. He's only 29 and I'm 36. He didn't give much detail about his ex but I heard he cheated on her... So, I was upset when my friend told me he does not want a gf but this was before we started dating and getting really close. He also texts me all day long and usually initiates the texts. I was dating others but I wanted to focus on him and stopped seeing the other people. I have feelings for him.

 

We had an amazing night this past Friday where I actually felt like I could love this man. I haven't opened up my feelings to anyone like this since my ex (I left a 7 yr relationship in May) Last night, while completely hammered, my guy somehow brought up the fact that he does not want a commitment or gf. He was rambling on about it, saying he just is afraid of commitment and can't have a gf right now. When I asked why he said he "loves me but just can't be in a commitment." Then I said he acts like he might want one since we spend a lot of time together etc. I'm was upset and shocked by this bc he really has not been acting this way. He acts like he's totally into me. I dont think he's the hook up type bc even our mutual friend said he's not like that at all. And I'm with him every wkend so he does not go out much. Most of his friends, if not ALL are married or have gf/and kids.

 

So last night, he says we can talk more about it today, while sober. I called him today and we talked for 30 min although it seemed very hard for him to open up about it. He said that he didn't mean it that harsh as it sounded. I took it as "I NEVER will want a relationship with you" and as a definite NO. He said today that he is willing to see where it leads and that he didnt want a relationship but if it happens, it happens and is just seeing where it leads. But last night, I know while drunk the truth comes out and he's saying this in a definite way, like he does NOT want a gf. Then I said is it bc he knows i'm just not right for him and he said the stupid cliche "it's not you, it's me." mentioning how he doesn't wanna get hurt and that he really likes me and spending time etc and that he's just not sure if i'm right . I might be or i might not be. I mean, of course, it's only been 1 1/2 months and I'm not SURE about him either. I told him that after he's saying this all, I will continue to date others. He said he does not want to "hold me back" Siad that while drunk.

 

Today, he seemed more up for seeing where it leads but I still don't know. Also, while drunk, he was flirting with a gay man friend of his and almost to the point where he was hooking up with him in front of me! He says today he does not recall. I'm more concerned first with him saying he does not want a commitment and then I will think about this gay curiousity thing of his. He was sucking on the man's fingers at the bar and rubbing his arm.

 

I really really like this man. I'm so happy with him. He smiles at me all the time. looks me in the eye. looks as if he really likes me or could even fall for me. I feel so shut out by his statement of not wanting a gf and I tell him I will then date others and he's ok with it?

 

Could a man change their mind about this? Why spend so much time with me, get so intimate with me, talk to me all day long, introduce me into his life, help me out (tonight he came over to cchange my flat tire) Why do all this if he isn't thinking I could be a potential girlfriend?

 

What to do?? thanks.

[SJC2008]

Well according to responses from one of my threads you all aren't official so he "owes" you nothing, not even an explanation. He's probably afraid to get hurt like he said. As far as the gayness goes, he may be closet bi but lets his guard down when he drinks. All in all I think you both should slow down and and approach with caution. Take pressure off him, tell him "we don't have to say we are in an r so how would monogomous dating sound?" Also why is the L word being thrown around so soo?

[ja123]

It doesn't look good, I'm afraid. He's terribly confused and your emotions are in the balance.

 

IMO, it's better to back off now and try to get him out of your system so you can be emotionally available to another man who wants a relationship as much as you do.

 

Plus, the sucking on the fingers bit, IMO, means he's probably bi. Could you live with that? And what the heck was he doing it for? It doesn't sound funny.

[Ninjainpajamas]

If you've learned anything from your 36 years of being on earth then you should walk away when a man tells you that he doesn't want a relationship with you.

 

You caught a break and he ended up telling you way before he intended to while you're still having a "good time", or he might not have told at all just strung you along. Now the he's trying to back pedal for the sake of your emotions and make it seem like he really didn't mean it, I mean c'mon, would he have said it If he didn't mean it?

 

He doesn't see you as relationship material, maybe because you're a bit older than him and guys around that age are still shooting for younger, or when he cheated on his ex he decided that he wasn't ready or he was just through with relationships until he felt ready to pursue someone who had that capacity.

 

I really really wouldn't trust him as the man you want him to be or how others see him, you really need to have your eyes wide open and see him for yourself. I see a common occurrence where friends recommend a friend of theirs to date and give him a few brownie points without really knowing anything about him and his personal life, and what he does when nobody else is looking. This gives you a false sense of security in how much you can trust this guy, then you'll look back when it's too late and realize that hey...it wasn't so black and white and then the friends will just be like well.."guess that didn't work out...no big deal". So be smart enough and aware enough to gauge things for yourself instead of rely on fickle words and credibility that is based off the person outside of a relationship and such, maybe from a friendship stand point he's not a bad guy to have around...but for you I think this guy is pretty weird and possibly gay for one or bi-curious and has made it clear that he doesn't want a relationship with you. And no he won't change his mind.

 

He's using the normal cop outs and playing dumb...well derr I don't know you THAT well, It's too early. That's a load of crap, trust me..this guy knows the extent of your potential and you shouldn't take that lightly.

 

When a man says he's not willing to hold you back....it means that don't worry, If you move on you won't be missed, I'm not depending on you for anything other than what we are enjoying now.

 

What you feel with this guy is him pulling at your strings...think about it, the guys a cheater, he probably knows a thing or two about buttering up a lady, I wouldn't take it all that seriously. If you do I think you're going to find yourself empty handed and regretting it in the end.

 

Plenty of guys can act like him and not mean it to be taken seriously, stop gauging him by what he is doing If he is saying he doesn't want a relationship which he has said....men are not like women, they won't necessarily hold themselves back or treat you differently just because they don't want a relationship with you, so don't go on fooling yourself by telling him what his actions mean to you instead of understanding his actions don't mean what they mean to you...listen to what the man is saying If he's saying he's not interested in a relationship with you...for him that's just a license to kill without getting into trouble, so he can act normally and do what he wants and enjoy you as he would like to without any consequences.