Shes finally here, now doesn't want it

[baffled1]

I have a long history with this girl, we initially met as she was a good friend of my roommates (and good friend) girlfriend. She stayed with us for a week and I was instantly drawn to her, attracted to everything about her. Finally on her final day we ended up sleeping together. I remember when she left that next morning feeling totally crushed. However I went on with my life and we didn't really keep much contact. Yet she was always in the back of my mind, that girl that when you think of all the girls you've been with who really stands out. I saw her a few times after that over the past couple of years, though nothing else happened between us. Yet I always would get sad when we separated and would always have grand fantasies of being with her.

 

Then 6 months ago she was once again in my city and it all happened. We connected on a whole other level. Almost every fantasy I could possibly imagine having with her came true, it was like walking on a cloud for a week. Then she left, yet this time we stayed in touch talked every other day and finally she invited me to go visit her.

 

And for two weeks we fell crazy in love, it was so surreal. The fact that I had had on and off feelings for this girl for two years and now they were even bigger and most importantly being reciprocated felt amazing. We had another intense tearful good bye and stayed in touch for another month and a half.

 

After which I made yet another trip to see her, which was still great but we did have a few more serious talk about us and our connection ect. I still felt good about things when I left and felt especially amazing when she contacted me telling me she wanted to do her 6week internship in my city. So for the next month we both worked hard in making this happen as I helped her write cover letters, taped my contacts ect.

 

And finally she got the internship, booked the plane ticket and all I had to do was count the days till her arrival. During this time I though about all this things we were going to do together, she wanted to meet my parents, see were I grew up all those little things.

 

Then about 10 days before her arrival I sensed a change in her as she became distant and didn't communicate with me like she used to. Finally I asked her if something was wrong and I was told everything was fine. Then just 4 days before her arrival she told me she was "doubting" our relationship and instead of living with me (as planned) she was going to stay with a friend of a friend. I was angry and told her I didn't appreciate the last minute nature of this. Yet she said she though it was better as it put less pressure on us to reconnect. I reconciled with this and convinced myself that it also might be a good idea. Plus she would only be about a mile from me, big difference from the 3,500 that we had previously endured.

 

We saw each other for the first time a few days ago, when she proceeds to drop a bomb on me. Saying she "doesn't feel we have a deep connection", "doesn't see us building something together" or "a future" And sees me as more as just a really good friend rather than "the father of her children". However she is still attracted to me, still likes me and want to do things with me. So naturally I had sex with her and then left and haven't seen or talked to her since.

 

I feel totally cheated for 2 months I had physically and mentally prepared myself for this time together. For 6 months we missed each other ever single day and enacted this plan to see what this thing really was, to spend an extended amount of time together. The fact that she doesn't even want to go down that path now is devastating. We had been speeding down this path and the abruptness of it all it, the fact that there was no warning is traumatic.

 

I suppose the hardest part too is that she will give me everything else except 100% of her heart. It would be one thing to break it cleanly with me yet she will still see me, still have sex with me ect. I suppose I could just take these next 6 weeks at that, have a great time, good sex and understand that its all over when she leaves.

 

However I don't know if I am mentally strong enough for that though. As I have already started to reminisce and become nostalgic about the beautiful times we did have together when she presumably loved me. I think hanging around her will only make me try and recreate those moments and will only bring frustration if they are not reciprocated. I suppose to there is the ever so slight change that the time and distance has destroyed some of our connection and what she is feeling is a result of that and with good time together we can get back to that level.

 

I am already starting to ask myself, what did I do wrong? How could I mess this up? A girl that I had loved on and off for 2 years was finally reciprocating my feelings, she was moving 3,500 miles to be with me and now it seems over before it even got started. I really saw myself marrying this girl, we had discussed one of us moving to the same city to be together and now with little warning all of that seems over. I am in total disbelief how this all blew up in my face this fast.

[Rockette]

I'm a female but I can relate to your situation as I was seeing a guy who did something similar to me but it's been a major learning lesson. The fact that it ended so sudden might indicated that she'd already checked out long ago but was too much of a coward to tell you. Firstly, understand that you did nothing wrong, did not mess up so don't double guess yourself. It's hard to say what she was thinking without knowing what sort of relationship you guys had before her moving for the internship. Was the relationship ever defined as being boyfriend and girlfriend? Did she ever ask out your life personally to get to know you beyond what you do day to day? Or did if feel like things were perhaps a little on the surface?

 

I think the reality of it might have sunk in for her but I'm guessing her train of thought was that if she moves in with you, then she would be obliged to commit to a situation that she just isn't up for right now. And that I can understand.

 

I can understand your excitement in the build up to it and am sure she really did like you, but it's more something in her that is blocking it from progressing.

 

It's going to feel like crap for a while but honestly, just move forward. You will meet someone else and you will realize that this girl never really meet the values of what you want in a person. You will meet someone better suited to you, don't pin your hopes on this one person.

[Mr Scorpio]

1) You didn't do anything wrong. From the fact she was moving for an internship, I am assuming that she (and you) are both rather young. Add to that the 3,500 mile distance between the two of you, and the odds weren't in your favor. It is one thing to date someone. It is all-together different to move 3,500 miles away -- leaving your support network behind -- to be with someone.

 

2) Stay away from her. Do not have sex with her. If I were in your position, I would have one conversation with her in which you explain that, given her lack of feelings for you, it would be for the best if the two of you do not continue to be friends.

 

3) See #2

[norajane]

You both just got caught up in the attraction and the excitement, and spent most of your time pining for each other. You built up these huge fantasies around each other that weren't based on actually living your daily lives together and being around each other and figuring out how to split the rent and bills and cleaning and grocery shopping together.

 

Once the reality of it neared, she gave it some more serious (and practical) thought, and realized that the fantasy was fun and exciting, but the reality was less do-able.

 

I know it's hard to let go, especially of something that you've been dreaming about for years and believe you're finally going to have it right there in your life. It's painful to have to let go of the fantasy you two created about how things would be for you together. But you have to accept that you have to let go. Believe that you will have something even better in your life in the future - a wonderful woman who truly can see herself with you, too.