Not sure if I should end it or give it a chance :(

[jmm]

I met someone from online about a month ago. He lives about 3 hours away. The date seemed to go well and we basically have either been texting or talking each day. He also has a son which takes up alot of his time which is understandable. He is a very genuine guy it seems. Some things turn me off about him like his goofiness and cracking jokes alot but I know he is a good person and he is very attentive and affectionate.

 

I visited him for the first time. This may sound shallow but the apartment he is in wasn't the greatest. It seems like he does not have alot of money right now or any..no decor, barely any furniture and the place smelled like smoke (he has roommate who smokes cigs and also the illegal stuff) I don't want to be a snob or shallow so I did feel bad for thinking these things but I didn't like it.

 

I also know the guy i am seeing smokes the illegal stuff from time to time as well. I know alot of people who do it but if i had my way, i would wish he didn't do it at all and that the roomate didn't do it either. I also wished the place didn't smell like smoke as much. I have asthma which usually doesnt bother me but this morning i felt like i couldn't breathe and i still feel the effects now that I am home.

 

He made dinner and we watched a few movies. Nothing major happened physically between us because i felt it was way too soon.

 

I did not like the roomate at all, he was alot younger but he basically seemed trashy to me and like he didn't have a future at all. I don't think i could ever really hang out with him but I was nice to him of course. I know i am not dating him but it is his roomate and i guess friend--so he would be there alot while i am there.

 

I didn't mind going home where I can just shower, relax and not be around that. The sad part is--the guy I am seeing really does have a good heart and i know would treat me well. A friend of mine said I should just end it b/c it's not like i am going to move out there, what job would i even get and she actually said I sound a little too good for him and too good to be around that.

 

It was mentioned how he doesn't like the area he is living in but feels stuck because of his daughter and wouldn't move too far until she was able to drive (she's basically a baby--5 years old.) And also his ex lives close by so they can bring the kid back and forth

 

i am 27 years old and he is 31. I just feel scared about wasting my time. I haven't found anyone good to date in YEARS. My serious ex and I broke up when i was 23 or 24. I have been on so many dates and just haven't found anyone--lot of weirdos out there, flakes, they didn't like me, or just no spark.

 

I guess I am really confused if i should give this more time and just enjoy being around him and having someone there who is treating me well, affectionate etc. I know it could end at any time but i guess i feel confused if i am being too hasty.

 

please help

[SJC2008]

If he smokes pot and has a kid don't date him. I don't care if the kid is in another room with the door closed or whatever. Don't get involved with someone who still smokes pot in their 30's unless you smoke pot too and are ok with it. Plus he's 3 hrs a way.

[jmm]

i don't think the guy i am seeing is a pot head..i think he does it once in awhile. He doesn't do it when the kid is there. The ex has the son some of the time as well.

 

confused..this stinks.

[veggirl]

I would not bother with this guy. He lives too far away, I'd be surprised if that distance resulted in a long-lasting relationship. Plus, for your first "date" you hung around his apartment watching movies with his roommate? That's not even a date. I'd find someone more local who wants to actually go on real dates with you.

[jmm]

long distance isn't really my issue..it's the other stuff. That wasn't our first date..we met by me when we first met and grabbed some food and drinks.

[make me believe]

I wouldn't bother with this guy. Don't settle for less than you want because you are scared of being alone or tired of being single. You are NOT shallow to be concerned/turned off about the apartment issue. I dated a guy who was in a very similar situation (minus the kid, but with TWO roommates who I couldn't stand), and I knew right away that I would never get serious about him because of it. If I had continued to date him and maybe lived with him someday I KNOW I would have been miserable. If you can't accept his current situation & how he is right now, then don't bother with him.

 

You are only 27... that's still young. I feel like you'd waste more time if you dated this guy than if you ended it now & kept looking for someone more suitable. There are just too many incompatabilities here. Having standards doesn't make you shallow.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think you're showing a little desperation here in dating this kind of a guy, I'm not sure If under normal circumstances you would even consider it.

 

Being that he's in a crappy situation already, living with a 5 year old daughter and with some young immature guy that doesn't seem to give much of a damn about how he lives, then I'd say this guy has his hands full at this point in his life. If you were in a similar situation maybe then you could both be poor and screwed over in life together, but you have a choice, and you're just going to inherit a bunch of crap in his life just so you could be with a good-hearted guy that you don't even know very well yet?

 

I'd move on before you get yourself to start developing deeper feelings for this guy, this isn't worth the trade off, this doesn't even seem like the type of guy you're interested in normally.

 

Plus the guy has to spend money on weed, and people can't hang around people that they don't have anything in common with so unfortunately he's probably more like his roomate than you'd like to admit or can see yet.

 

If having a 5 year old daughter doesn't put a flame under your ass to better your life than what will, this guy just sounds like he's either too stupid or too much of a loser.

 

If you're truly scared about wasting your time then move on now, there's gotta be something better than this guy out there for you.

 

And stop going out with these weirdos/losers, find a nice guy that isn't into drugs or has kids.

[jmm]

thank you for your response.

 

He doesn't live with his daughter. Him and his ex take turns having her just like alot of others do.

 

It crossed my mind too that maybe I am getting desperate but the thing is he is one of the most genuine guys i have met in a very long time, sweet and very caring towards his kid.

 

A friend of mine said his situation now may not be the same situation in a few months or even a year and that he has been through alot. He used to live in a house but couldn't afford it when him and his ex split up. It's still wise to keep my eyes open for someone else.

 

The other thing is i have some distant family that grew up very poor(without the pot etc)..they grew up to be very nice, calm, down to earth people. So i guess in a way, even when i see someone in a not so great lifestyle at the moment, i try to look at the person.

 

I just really wish he did have a nicer apartment and different roomate....

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think you're manipulating yourself into reasoning with being with this guy. Why are you so eager to get into a relationship with a man with a child, who has an ex wife to deal with, a hole to dig himself out of? Are you really interested in that drama?

 

You're letting your emotions play too much of a stake into this. I understand it's about a connection and genuine feelings, but you're not exactly high on your luck, and I always debate the decisions people make when they are down on theirs, it's just too easy to see something that isn't a good deal as promising because you feel like you have no other alternative, it's all too common.

 

How he treats his daughter is his responsibility as a father, not anything to do with you and the relationship. Plus, what kind of guy wants to spend his time living with another pot head If he's really looking at digging himself out of this hole.

 

I can see you're turning to being with this guy but this really looks like a big mistake, your sympathies and relating his situation with distant relatives that are were also poor has nothing to do with each other, this is a relationship, a situation you are willing to get yourself into with this guy.

 

It doesn't matter that he's poor, It matters that by the age of 31 he's divorced, has a 5 year old daughter, and is living with a pothead. You don't get a job while smoking pot and you don't give your daughter the best home when you live with this kind of person...don't you think there is a better environment for his daughter If you were in his shoes? Wouldn't you want your daughter away from drugs at all cost? He has enough to deal with right now than start up a new relationship, you're just going to add and be apart of his world when he doesn't even have any of it together, what does he have to offer you?

 

This guy just doesn't sound like a guy down on his luck, he sounds kind of simple and like someone who isn't going to turn this around anytime soon. Plus with child support I doubt he's going to have much extra spare cash, which seems like he doesn't have any now to begin with, I hope you realize you're expecting a miracle with this guy..you're heads too far in the clouds and what could be.

 

You're wishing too much on a fantasy, the fact of the matter is the longer you stay around this guy the more emotions you're going to develop for this guy so then you won't leave...but then again that's probably what you want at this point.

 

Just hope you're happy with your decision when you're stuck picking up all the pieces of his life for him, and then you find out the emotional baggage he has from his divorce.

 

Pity you don't have the faith to continue searching onward, emotions aren't everything...especially this early on in the game...you don't know anything about this person.

 

I hope you take a step back and see everything you're willing to get into, I hope you try and use your head a little bit more than your heart because I have a feeling you will regret this in the future.

Edited March 5, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[Leigh 87]

Ninja - your being a SNOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Yes, smoking pot, having no career aspirations, having no drive or ambition towards anything in life, are what I would call " simple".

 

However, not all people, who are broke and with a young child, living with pot heads, are " simple".

 

 

I scored well, high distinctions in my high school certificate ( entrance into college scores), and yet I CHOSE, to screw up my life, by smoking a lot of pot, and having a boyfriend that smoked pot.

 

Ultimately, though, having people AROUND you that smoke pot, does not make YOU " simple". IF this dude smokes pot, and is an aimless loser, with a good heart - the OP should FLEE!!!!! By all means.

 

 

I eventually fleed from MY pot smoking , " simple" boyfriend, in favour of pursing a respectful life for myself. I went back to school, etc.... hwoever, this dude may NOT be a pot head.....

 

 

 

Plenty of people smoke pot occasionally, and are intelligent. Although, it DOES look bad that this guy has little cash and has a young child, AND lives with a pot dealer

 

Bottom line: Not ALL people who are poor, have young children, and live with pot smokers, are " simple". They could have made some bad deisions in life, but are perfectly intelligent people, who want to find a career they enjoy, and live a decent life.

 

 

 

WHY is he poor and living with a pot smoker?

 

- does he have plans for a career any time soon?

 

- is he eager to put his money he does get, towards courses or some sort of learning towards a career?

 

- Does he have hobbied and interests and things in life that drive him?

 

- or, does he just sit around, smile, and small talk, and not have many issues he is itnerest in, or is passionate about.

 

 

 

 

NOT ALL people without a bloody University ( or college, in teh states), degree, are aimless hapless people, with NO PROSPECTS.

[jmm]

Hey Leigh,

 

I appreciate you replying to my thread.

 

I don't think he is a "pot head". I think he did it alot more often before his kid came along. He does have a job but the field he is in is rough b/c when work runs out they lay you off until other jobs come in. It's just how it is. He told me he doesn't have money to even have that type of lifestyle, he doesn't buy it and does it when his kid isn't around which isn't often.

 

He is smart, nice, sent me flowers after 2 dates. He told me the roomate who he knows and is about 7 years younger than him has family issues so he let him move in and can contribute to the rent. He himself came from a tough life as a kid and growing up

 

I guess the huge thing that bothers me is that the place smells like it is constantly going on and I think the roomate is one of the most immature people i have ever met. I think possibly the roomate is doing it alot more than he is (i could be wrong but who knows)

 

not sure what to do...

[jmm]

btw i mentioned how the smoking bothered me and he said he is sorry and i won't be around it again.

 

It suprised me a little in a sense b/c it wasn't like he was defending what was going on or anything. I asked in regards to him if he did it everyday and he said no and wouldn't even be able to afford a lifestyle like that, he said he doesn't buy it and only does it once in awhile when his kid is not around of course.