explain to me how to have a " normal" relationship

[Star Gazer]

It's over.

 

He had a huge blow up on my phone by text calling me immature and comparing me to an eighth grader.

He had nothing better to say to me than blame me for every fight. And said he's done alot for me and given me respect. Really, high pedestal much?

He was the one who can't even make time for me, and cancelling at the last minute as well.

 

 

He said it's over, I said fine, bye.

 

@ kaylan It isn't that I'm restricting myself to only one person, but I'm too busy and usually too preoccupied to bother handling more than one guy at a time.

 

You ARE acting immature and like an eighth grader.

 

He cancelled on you to spend time with family. Then you cancelled on him out of spite, and flipped the eff out when he took three hours to call you when you asked him to because he was at the gym.

 

You need serious help, Paper.

[xpaperxcutx]

Confrontation is indeed uncomfortable, but it is an inevitable part of human relationships. The 4 fights you've had in the past two weeks could perhaps be proof of that. So the trick to healthy relationships isn't to avoid confrontation but to learn how to handle it. Speaking up about what bothers you in an open-minded, secure, confident way goes a long way towards learning to handle confrontation productively. xxoo's suggestion was sound: you could have enquired about what happened and told him how it made you feel. Simple. No anxiety required. It's also a great way to figure out compatibility: if you speak up about your needs in a calm rational way and he reacts badly, than you know you're incompatible.

 

That being said, paper, I do have to wonder why you're wasting so much energy on this guy. Clearly something doesn't sit right with you about this guy. Clearly, you don't trust him. I recommend listening to your instincts.

 

My girlfriend and I had a talk about this. He came on too strong on the first date, which came off really creepy and I had a barrier up. He might have wanted to sleep with me hence the desperate approach with the rose and the sweet talk.

 

His words never matched his action. Why constantly tell me he want to see me, yet, behave like I owed him? He only took me out to dinner once and that was on our second date, yet it was like I was suppose to be grateful that he even treated, never mind i trekked a one and a half train ride to see him for two hours.

[Star Gazer]

My girlfriend and I had a talk about this. He came on too strong on the first date, which came off really creepy and I had a barrier up.

 

He came on too strong and creepy on the first date to the point you had a barrier up?

 

You mean the first date where you chose to spend the night at his house in his bed, correct?

 

You are just...completely unable to see or acknowledge the role you play in your failed "relationships."

[xpaperxcutx]

You ARE acting immature and like an eighth grader.

 

He cancelled on you to spend time with family. Then you cancelled on him out of spite, and flipped the eff out when he took three hours to call you when you asked him to because he was at the gym.

 

You need serious help, Paper.

 

We were suppose to meet at 7 that Tuesday, he called to cancel at a quarter to five. I didn't give him grief about it, especially since he said it was for his grandpa. The only reason I acted mean to him was because he wanted me to call him on friday, but when I did, he told me he couldn't talk. I was cranky and tired from work. That was why I wrote to him whatever.

 

I cancelled on him today because I was out of minutes on my phone and yes, maybe a little out of spite, but at least I had courtesy to give him a heads up. I called him because I wanted to talk. The fact he didn't call and actually blew up on me through text, says something.

[kaylan]

It's over.

 

He had a huge blow up on my phone by text calling me immature and comparing me to an eighth grader.

He had nothing better to say to me than blame me for every fight. And said he's done alot for me and given me respect. Really, high pedestal much?

He was the one who can't even make time for me, and cancelling at the last minute as well.

 

He said it's over, I said fine, bye.

Oh wells. Less stress for you now. Just remember that people who actually wanna spend time with you will make time for you, no matter how busy they are.

 

@ kaylan It isn't that I'm restricting myself to only one person, but I'm too busy and usually too preoccupied to bother handling more than one guy at a time.

I feel you. Same thing happens to me...but thats part of the big trap in all this.

 

Because when we end up not having time to date others, we end up with our eggs in a single basket. It causes us to over analyze certain things and take other things too seriously.

 

The times I have actively focused on more than one girl, I could not have cared less about things going south with a chick who made things difficult. If you had been dating another guy at the same time, this dude would have been over and done with after that first date.

[xpaperxcutx]

He came on too strong and creepy on the first date to the point you had a barrier up?

 

You mean the first date where you chose to spend the night at his house in his bed, correct?

 

You are just...completely unable to see or acknowledge the role you play in your failed "relationships."

 

What role is that S_G? Does sleeping over equate to being a slut or being easy? I slept over because I was tired and we were far away from my home. If that gave him the wrong idea, it was his problem because I did stay on my side of the bed, and he, his. He offered me a place to sleep, he never propositioned me to sleep with him.

 

 

I acknowledge the fact that I was being irrational and demanding him to act like a " boyfriend" but if asking for a little contact is out of line, then maybe I

should stick to texting and being uninterested in someone. Why am I wasting my time with him? Because opinions can change, and mine's changed on the second date. I gave " dating" a chance and took a proactive stance to spending time with him. I try to plan with him and when plans were made, he cancelled. Fine, I was supportive by telling him to have a good time.

 

If I was acting like an eighth grader, it was because my choice of words were wrong, and yes, childish of me to even respond with whatevers and acting passive aggressive.

 

So yes, I acknowledge my failed " relationships". Now what can you do to help me remedy my situation where I can tackle my problems head on and maybe change from failed " relationships" to more positive " relationships"?

 

You seem to think we have animosity for each other, but honestly, this is an anonymous forum. And I'm only seeking advice. If you have to brand me with a scarlet letter, I think you'll find the OM/OW forum more entertaining.

[xpaperxcutx]

Oh wells. Less stress for you now. Just remember that people who actually wanna spend time with you will make time for you, no matter how busy they are.

 

I feel you. Same thing happens to me...but thats part of the big trap in all this.

 

Because when we end up not having time to date others, we end up with our eggs in a single basket. It causes us to over analyze certain things and take other things too seriously.

 

The times I have actively focused on more than one girl, I could not have cared less about things going south with a chick who made things difficult. If you had been dating another guy at the same time, this dude would have been over and done with after that first date.

 

Ditto. I actually was dating another guy before him, and when that didn't work out ( he wasn't proactive enough to set a date with me), I moved on.

 

The thing is, I had known him two, three weeks prior before I finally met him. But I was too busy to date, so I told him I needed a rain check. He understood that, didn't pursue much afterwards, and I was the one to call him out for a date. Fine, I don't mind asking a guy out, but recently every date we've planned, I was the one who asked. Since his schedule wasn't flexible I did the next best thing, adjust our dates to suit him.

 

I'm not demanding, and if I border on " needy' it's only to text him occasionally and asking him to give me a call. I need that connection and communication.

[Kamille]

Is it bad that I'm relieved it ended? This relationship was nothing but anxiety and miscommunications from day one.

 

Tonight: time for a hug. ((xxpapercutxx). Tomorrow we figure out if there is something to figure out.

[Kamille]

 

I'm not demanding

 

What's wrong with being demanding ? Seriously, own your boundaries. That's the best way to then be able to communicate them properly to potential partners.

[xpaperxcutx]

Instead of looking externally for what everyone else has or believes a relationship should entail, reverse engineer what works with you.

 

In concrete terms, what are your expectations of treatment from a partner?

 

Good point.

 

First of all I need respect. A guy with an eloquent vocabulary does not make him a saint, for all I know he could be a liar. He can show respect through action- proactive action.

 

Second, manners. My girlfriend always told me manners and etiquette go hand in hand it's all the more true when you're interacting with people.

 

Third, communication. I've always had a hard time telling people how I feel, and i've been trying to remedy that part of me. It used to be that I play mind games, expecting others, men especially, to read my mind. But I've learned that I need to voice my opinions a little more, learn to be more communicative with others in order to be heard. This is a problem I still have, but I'm learning.

[kaylan]

Ditto. I actually was dating another guy before him, and when that didn't work out ( he wasn't proactive enough to set a date with me), I moved on.

 

The thing is, I had known him two, three weeks prior before I finally met him. But I was too busy to date, so I told him I needed a rain check. He understood that, didn't pursue much afterwards, and I was the one to call him out for a date. Fine, I don't mind asking a guy out, but recently every date we've planned, I was the one who asked. Since his schedule wasn't flexible I did the next best thing, adjust our dates to suit him.

 

I'm not demanding, and if I border on " needy' it's only to text him occasionally and asking him to give me a call. I need that connection and communication.

Take this all as a lesson learned ms cutz. A person with a busy schedule generally should be the one doing the asking out...since they are the less flexible ones. So that right there tells you he didnt seem to care much about dating you. Plus, a guy will obviously ask a chick to chill if hes digging her and theyve been out before.

 

And I dont think your desire for communication was needy. It seemed like an average level of communication that you wanted. If he saw you as needy, then its clear he wasnt that into you. A guy who wants to seriously date a chick is gonna be more available than this dude.

 

It is what it is. Keep a positive mentality...fish in the sea...enter cliche here...yada yada.

[Star Gazer]

What role is that S_G? Does sleeping over equate to being a slut or being easy? I slept over because I was tired and we were far away from my home. If that gave him the wrong idea, it was his problem because I did stay on my side of the bed, and he, his. He offered me a place to sleep, he never propositioned me to sleep with him.

 

Of course I'm not saying you're a slut. Look at you lashing out at me. Again, immature.

 

My point is, you're saying this guy was coming on too strong and being creepy, and yet YOU WENT HOME WITH HIM AND SLEPT IN HIS BED. YOU are sending craaaaaazy mixed messages if you really believed he was "creepy."

 

 

I acknowledge the fact that I was being irrational and demanding him to act like a " boyfriend" but if asking for a little contact is out of line, then maybe I should stick to texting and being uninterested in someone.

 

You asked for "a little contact" when you told him to call you when he had free time, and then you flipped out at him when he took a whopping three hours to do so.

 

If I was acting like an eighth grader, it was because my choice of words were wrong, and yes, childish of me to even respond with whatevers and acting passive aggressive.

 

Yes, exactly. You FINALLY own it.

[Imajerk17]

Well my head has been spinning reading your recent threads. Hard to tell who was really more at fault here but I can assure you that you both sound extremely immature.

 

One thing you need to do is get a real cell-phone plan. I would be annoyed too that getting in touch w you is such a process. There were also a couple misunderstandings I recall that probably would have been cleared up if you talked instead of texted.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

One thing you need to do is get a real cell-phone plan. I would be annoyed too that getting in touch w you is such a process.

 

I agree completely. The whole cell phone thing made my head ache. No adults really want to know about how many minutes the person they want to call has or doesn't have. And keep the phone charged if it's important to you that people can get in touch with you.

[threebyfate]

Good point.

 

First of all I need respect. A guy with an eloquent vocabulary does not make him a saint, for all I know he could be a liar. He can show respect through action- proactive action.

 

Second, manners. My girlfriend always told me manners and etiquette go hand in hand it's all the more true when you're interacting with people.

Neither of these is asking too much.

 

Third, communication. I've always had a hard time telling people how I feel, and i've been trying to remedy that part of me. It used to be that I play mind games, expecting others, men especially, to read my mind. But I've learned that I need to voice my opinions a little more, learn to be more communicative with others in order to be heard. This is a problem I still have, but I'm learning.

Good. Absolutely, don't be afraid to express yourself.

 

Also, some caucasian men have the poorly conceived notion that asian women are submissive. Such a laugh when I think of my close asian female friends. Oh so not submissive so when they assert themselves, some guys get taken aback. Not sure if that's what you've experienced but don't be afraid to set the stupid stereotype on its ears. Assert yourself.

[zengirl]

Why are you calling me desperate? I think there is mutual attraction but it's not working out the way I'd expect it too. I'm not dating anybody else because I don't want to multidate. The reason it's dragging is because I'm giving this a chance.

 

I was asking if you were desperate because you were pouring so much energy into a situation that has primarily made you unhappy with a man you never seemed to have too much interest in from the get-go. That seems odd to me, unless someone is desperate. Like Kamille, I'm relieved you ended this.

 

I also agree with other posters who've said your behavior has seemed childish, petulant, overly intense, and overly familiar.

 

The way to date is to just. . . date. Let a person show you who they are, and if you don't dig it, walk away. Show a person who you are, and if they don't dig it, they'll probably walk away, and if fights arise, you can sort them out quickly or walk away if that doesn't work. (Fighting does happen but so much so quickly? That's weird.)

 

My point is, you're saying this guy was coming on too strong and being creepy, and yet YOU WENT HOME WITH HIM AND SLEPT IN HIS BED. YOU are sending craaaaaazy mixed messages if you really believed he was "creepy."

 

Right, and what's with the retroactive 'creepy.' I read your first date debriefing, and your main complaint at that point was his weight, even though you thought he was a nice guy with similar values to you whom you felt comfortable enough to sleep next to (which, yes, we've gone over is weird).

 

The need to vilify dating potentials who don't work out is childish. Maybe you and he just weren't compatible. It seemed to me like you were never that into him (because of his weight), the second date made you more into him because you liked the attention he lavished that night, and then you had an expectation of that kind of attention because you thought you "deserved" it for dating a man who wasn't quite inside your physical preferences. And then it became a habit to need and criticize and fight and fuss over every little thing that went wrong. This is all unhealthy, as is the need for a villain.

 

Honestly, your boundaries (we'll get to them in a moment) sound fine, but what isn't fine is the way you have reacted to this man in particular. There is no reason to fuss so much when things go wrong or get so attached so early on.

 

Good point.

 

First of all I need respect. A guy with an eloquent vocabulary does not make him a saint, for all I know he could be a liar. He can show respect through action- proactive action.

 

What actions show respect? How do you measure respect? I think wanting respect is fine, as long as you are going to give the same mutual respect---that's all lovely---but what actions are disrespectful, in your eyes? Listing concretes helps us suss out our own views sometimes. I don't think you'll find anyone who doesn't want respect.

 

Second, manners. My girlfriend always told me manners and etiquette go hand in hand it's all the more true when you're interacting with people.

 

Okay. As I recall, you very much liked this man's manners at one point---that was why you got over the weight thing. So, while this is a qualifier, don't let it sway you too much in the individual dates, because manners are easy to put on and take off.

 

Third, communication. I've always had a hard time telling people how I feel, and i've been trying to remedy that part of me. It used to be that I play mind games, expecting others, men especially, to read my mind. But I've learned that I need to voice my opinions a little more, learn to be more communicative with others in order to be heard. This is a problem I still have, but I'm learning.

 

I think it's all well and good to want communication. Here, you've mostly talked about something you need to fix --- being clear and assertive. Not needy and aggressive, not passive aggressive, but clear and assertive. A man can't help you fix that; you have to fix it first. It's totally reasonable to expect a man who is the same -- clear and assertive.

 

It sounds to me like you place some emphasis on the AMOUNT and DURATION of communication. Why not create some concrete boundaries on those, at least to clarify for yourself what you want?

[Star Gazer]

The question posed by this thread - how to have a normal relationship - is premature. The OP needs to first find out how to date.

[xpaperxcutx]

Neither of these is asking too much.

 

Good. Absolutely, don't be afraid to express yourself.

 

Also, some caucasian men have the poorly conceived notion that asian women are submissive. Such a laugh when I think of my close asian female friends. Oh so not submissive so when they assert themselves, some guys get taken aback. Not sure if that's what you've experienced but don't be afraid to set the stupid stereotype on its ears. Assert yourself.

 

The underlined. I have met guys obsessed with my culture even going so far as to wanting to know about my family and learning my language. I'm like, whoa slow down, learn to know me first before jumping into stereotyping about me. I was born and raised in America, the only Asian stereotype about me is that I was raised to be respectful towards my elders. In no way does having black hair and small eyes make me a girl who will wait on a guy on her hands and feet.