She didn't turn out to be the person I thought :-(

[LK30]

Hi all,

 

I've posted previously about a girl I met back in November through my youth work. I'm 30, and when I met her I didn't have a clue how old she was or anything about her, but I did have a chat and we had some common ground...she was a trainee teacher, and youth worker...and I admit I found her very attractive.

 

I didn't get her number on that night, but I picked her up on Facebook, and within a week we'd met up for a walk on the local beach which was a really lovely day. I thought to myself 'finally I've found someone who might be a potential girlfriend and what a great way to meet them.'

 

However, the girl I hoped she'd be quickly deteriorated. She was 21, and sadly for me had a boyfriend (as always happens to me!). She said he didn't mind us hanging out. We met up quite a few times through December, texted and the Facebook messages started racking up. We'd hit 10,000 by Xmas and I could sense we were flirty towards each other.

 

In January she split with her boyfriend of 3 years. To my surprise he ended it as he had 'issues' as I thought she might have been the one who wanted to leave him because she liked me. Ever since they split she's not quite been the same and clearly misses him still. We have been intimate several times.

 

Since she's been on her teaching work placement I've not seen much of her at all... probably 4 times in the whole of Feb and weekdays she never seems to invite me round. She really seems to have lost interest although we've racked up 20,000 msgs!!! I might be naive but she often says she's busy (to be fair teaching involves lots of paperwork and my ex was a teacher). I even suggested last week I take her for a meal and cinema but she said she'd love to but behind with work as she was away last weekend.

 

I got a bit stressed with her yesterday on FB and I ended up deleting her. I feel like an absolute idiot as it's probably genuine on her part, but just before I unfriended her she was saying her ex came over last week and kissed her, and now she feels really confused and her head is messed up. Also he was coming round to the flat they shared (he's staying with his sister) to help clean it as they've ended the tenancy. I've got a feeling he's going to try and get his wicked way tonight and I feel even more she'll probably go along with it in the hope it fixes their relationship. If she does tell me she has then I'll probably feel really crap!!

 

I don't really know why I'm so bothered (and to be precise, jealous!!). I guess I just thought she'd be a different person, but she's changed. I almost feel like I've split up with her and we're not even in a relationship! It REALLY hurts!! Some people might say I've been used, but it doesn't feel like it and perhaps she's just young and immature and her feelings are mixed up. Perhaps I'm to blame for just wanting some attention, and I do seem to get it from girls of early 20's rather than late 20's.

 

I don't know if I should add request her friendship on FB again, or just leave it. It's hard to imagine not at least talking to her again as we've chatted (mainly on FB obviously!!) almost every day, and despite her not making much effort she almost always messages me first on FB when she sees me online. Perhaps it's just become a routine now!

 

I'm not sure what advice I need, but I'm feeling crappy and as I've said in the post title, I guess she just didn't (and things didn't) turn out how I thought they might (and hoped) when I look back at that day in November when I just thought 'wow, I really like this girl, perhaps she has potential to be the girl I've been looking for for so long.'

 

I think ultimately I've fallen into the trap of drawing myself towards negative situations because I just want to feel wanted, and for a time I really did and it felt so good. I admit I do have some feelings for her and I've told her, but I think she's still confused in her head and still loves him. Help!!

Edited March 5, 2012 by LK30

[blotter]

She's 21. She's gonna be banging all sorts of dudes as she explores herself and find out what she is looking for. Sure, you might be one of those she bangs, but if you are looking for a life partner your going to get burned.

[CC12]

I think ultimately I've fallen into the trap of drawing myself towards negative situations

 

Yes, I think that might have been the case here. You got attached to an unavailable girl and got your hopes up. Really, there was very little potential that this would have worked out well for you. There's just no desirable outcome possible. If she had broken up with him to be with you? Undesirable. He breaks up with her and she almost immediately starts dating you? Undesirable. You wait around and be her best pal until she finally realizes she wants to be with you? Undesirable. Lose-lose all around.

 

Your knee-jerk reaction of deleting her from Facebook out of the blue was...not the ideal way to handle it, but probably for the best. You want to be with her, but you know she's not over her ex. That's not a good starting point for a relationship, and it's not the basis of a good friendship.

[smudge21]

You fell in love, simply as, and that led to you ignoring the red flags, all the warning signs and instead jumping straight in there. You now see her with those rose tinted love specs on and she's on that pedestal so you refuse to see her in any other way. You are unable to see the facts as your heart won't let you.

 

I reckon this young girl was very tempted, probably got something new from you and was more than tempted for a long time. She enjoyed the attention as maybe her relationship was getting a bit stale. You have to remember at that age we all want to experience life. Many who settle down at a young age often lead to regrets later in life. Maybe she simply wanted to experience that freedom and also have a relationship - so between you and her guy, she had that. The security of him and the freedom of you. Sadly that never works out...

 

As much as you now think you can stay friends with her, that's not what you really want is it? You want her and there's no way on this earth you'll be able to just be her friend knowing she's back with her boyfriend. Seriously, think about it - could you really be that close to her, hearing about her life, when you feel like this? Could you handle hearing about her engagement, wedding or pregnancy?

 

You're not friends with her, not in your eyes. You're much more emotionally involved. She may only want a friend with you now but you won't be able to handle that. You deleted her from Facebook and that showed how emotional you are over her right now.

 

As for what you do now, well no contact and time is your best bet but I would send her an email or letter, explaining how you feel and why you can't be her friend. Consider it like some sort of closure. I know many on here would say to just leave it, but I believe you'll be left with regrets that you never said how you felt. It's not something you can do six months later. Just give it some thought before you react or do anything.

 

Either way, go quiet on here for a bit, but try to realise what the situation is - she's young, confused, wanting one thing but also wanting another.. basically you're take on life and how it should play out is totally different to hers and so no amount of you thinking how this should be will make it that way.

[LK30]

Thanks Smudge and CC12 (perhaps not blotter so much as he didn't make me feel too good with his comment!).

 

I think you guys have interpreted the situation well and hopefully I explained it properly as it's hard to put feelings into words. I simply haven't used common sense, and she did help give me so focus as I struggled to get over my last relationship. (I have a habit of taking breakups hard!)

 

I suppose it was just nice coming home from work and seeing a FB message from her, or getting a text, or maybe an invite round as I just loved watching a DVD with her and just holding her in my arms, it just felt very natural and something I haven't experienced much in recent years.

 

Perhaps defriending her on FB was a bad idea, and I can't help but think she'll message me again at some point as I told her I hear about my redundancy tomorrow, and she knows that, so I wonder if she'll get in touch. I am regretting taking her off there, and I should have just been a good friend and supported her in whatever she decides, but as you guys pointed out, my stupid feelings got in the way of a possible relationship that was doomed from the start.

 

I suppose it's the ex under pressure though because if he did get intimate with her last night he would have had to get back with her (which even though it hurts I would be pleased as I know she misses him) and if he does decide to walk away then it will really screw her up and she'll feel used, so she'll probably be on my case as she turned to me when they split up in Jan.

Edited March 5, 2012 by LK30

[smudge21]

It does sound like you're making all the same excuses I used to make for her actions. The fact is, she's pushed you away and may very well be re-trying things with her ex... but in case it doesn't work out, she's keeping you sweet - and what's worse is, you're not only letting her but you're making it sound perfectly acceptable for her to be doing this. You're convincing yourself that it's okay and that you're happy with it, when deep down you're not.

 

You really will need to make a decision and stick to it (whether it's be her hang on or say goodbye and mean it) otherwise you'll just be there whenever she needs you and she'll know it. Any respect she has for you will be gone as she too will see how she's treating you and that you're allowing it. In many ways, she'll see you as her ex see's her (if she takes him back); in that no matter what he does, she's always there.

[LK30]

Thanks Smudge - good advice and I think I'll have to start charging soon as it's very good advice!

 

You're so right about the making excuses because this morning I woke up and thought 'well she could just say that it's not her fault that I've got feelings for her and it's my problem so what am I complaining about?!'

 

So far I've gone 'no contact' so not sure what I'll do if she does message me (most likely via Facebook).

[light_vader]

{...}

as I just loved watching a DVD with her and just holding her in my arms, it just felt very natural and something I haven't experienced much in recent years.

{...}

and I should have just been a good friend and supported her in whatever she decides.

Friends != Lovers, unless you wanna go down that road of "I'll wait till she decides if she wants to be something else", in which case you would be deceiving yourself (by being friends with a woman you are in love with) and her (by showing yourself as a friend, but in the end you just wanna have her as your lover).

 

{...}

perhaps not blotter so much as he didn't make me feel too good with his comment!).

Unfortunately, we're not here to tell you it's all gonna be alright and pat you in the back. Unless you wanna be emotionally stupid all your life, some things you cannot let through, if the path to enlightement is what you look for.

Otherwise friend, there are plenty of "Feeling good Quotes" on a google search.

 

I sort of perceive by the way you refer to the whole business that you are probably a needy person? Do you think you might be? Maybe someone looking for love from other people?

If you feel so, you might want to check with a psychologist, as it might be a personality disorder and the doctor will make you feel better as they study the mind for a living, ya know?

Sometimes we hear the word psychologist and we think we have to be crazy or whack or out of our mind to go? But in fact it's perfectly normal for a human to need help on their mental issues; that could sometimes be even more important than physical problems, as your mind dictates your actions after all.

 

Take care and think about it.