UE24 Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 (edited) My wife and I have been married a year now. (I know, divorce already? I don't want to...) She was my first girlfriend back in the 6th grade. We broke up in 7th grade and didn't speak for nearly 12 years. We reconnected on Facebook, had an amazing date and it all started from there. She's the love of my life and I don't know what I'd do without her. We're both 25, but now that we're married, I see the maturity level difference and sometimes I feel as if it's growing in the wrong way. But to the bad parts...I travel for work; not a lot, but I may be gone for a combined total of 3-4 months throughout the year. For whatever reason, possibly because her dad cheated on her mom when she was a child, she absolutely won't trust me. If I take off time from work to surprise her with flowers, lunch, or just to spend time together, her first thought is that I've done something fishy. If I'm home 10 minutes late because of traffic or poor weather, I must've met up with some other woman. If a few hours goes by at work without hearing from me because I get caught up in a spur-of-the-moment meeting, I must be flirting or seeing one of my employees. If I don't answer my cell phone, work phone, or desk phone, I must not be at work and cheating. If I bring home work (which I try not to do, but being salaried makes it difficult at times) I must be not working at work and having some sort of affair. And in all honesty, I rarely work from home, maybe once or twice a month, for a few hours. And it doesn't stop there...when I travel, I'm basically on restriction. I cannot leave the hotel unless it's for work or food. No sightseeing, no walking around, no hanging out with my employees. I've been to many different international destinations for work for periods of sometimes up to a month, and I haven't been able to see anything other than what I see on my commute to work. I follow her rules because I love her and want to make her proud and feel like she can trust me. But as I follow her rules, she becomes more and more strict. Now I cannot even use the hotel pool...But it's not like I ever take off my wedding ring (which she will ask to see it in video chats) and her name is tattoo'd across my upper back. I know people will think that's dumb, as it was my first tattoo, but I love my wife and I'd do anything for her trust! I could go on and on. I've never done anything wrong to not be trusted. She constantly tells me she knows I'd never cheat, but she feels this way because she loves me so much. I tell her how I feel and how I can't live my life constantly being on the defense or being accused of cheating or doing something to jeopardize our marriage. It's stressful, it kills me inside, and it makes me feel like I'm some low-life scumbag who would cheat on their spouse. I offer to go to counseling with her and work on improving these issues but she absolutely refuses because she willingly admits she's in the wrong and can't help it. She won't even attempt to try and go with me. She feels like they're just going to tell her how wrong she is. But then things change and she tells me how great I am and how she loves every moment being married to me...and how no one could ever be better. She got her wedding just as she planned, she got the dress she has always wanted, she has her amazing custom ring, and she married someone who would bend over backwards for her. I don't know what to do...she doesn't want marriage counseling and she continues to accuse me of cheating. I can't live my life this way, but I don't want to lose my wife. I believe in staying married. She's the love of my life. But, I also can't go on living nearly every day like this. What do I do?! Edited March 4, 2012 by UE24
NXS Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 UE24, I think this marriage is salvagable however you are going to have to make some changes. I think you already know that this is not going to get any better and will in fact get far far worse as time progressess. Nothing you say or do to pander to her insecurities is going to work so you have to stop doing that, full stop. You are in essence dealing with a child here so that's how you'll have to treat her. Instead you need to start setting boundaries and stick to them, completely refuse to get caught up in her insecurities or justifying yourself or allowing her to dictate what you should be doing. So no more reasoning/justiflying/excusing/pandering etc. No more listening to her bullying/sobbing/hissyfits/manipulations/controlling behaviour. You dictate how you are going to live and tell her that's the way it is going to be and that you are in fact doing it to save the marriage. Don't allow her to sway you from this or try to make you out to be the bad guy. You don't mention any children in your marriage so I'd suggest you take all precautions necessary to ensure she doesn't get pregnant until this is sorted out. Seriously you don't want to have a child with this woman as it currently stands, her behaviour will become 100x times worse. If this doesn't work then it's time to get a divorce, you can't live the rest of your life with someone like this, it will end up like your worst nightmare.
Indy25 Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 It sounds like your wife is dealing with some abandonment issues, most likely they having nothing to do with you. Don't worry about the 1 year of marriage part. When problems exist that aren't addressed, they can pop up at anytime. If you care enough about your marriage to post to a forum like this, that's a good sign that you can make this work. Schedule an appointment with a therapist for you and your wife. If you don't feel like you can talk to this in front of her, go see the therapist by yourself. It may sound like a lot of work or a big expense, but divorce is way worse.
Author UE24 Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 Thanks for the advice. I know I will have to make changes, but it's easier said than done. I can try to stand firm, but it also kills me to see her sad, upset, etc. I guess there is no 'Easy' button for this... As for abandonment issues; I'm not sure. She has mended her relationship with her father several years ago and works for his (and his new wife's) company.
pteromom Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 You need to stop being controlled. You are a grown-up and should be able to sight-see and go to restaurants and hang out with coworkers. Tell her that you do love her and you'd never cheat on her, but you are going to have a normal life. You do know that no matter how many "rules" you follow, it will never be enough, right? It will just get worse unless you firmly but gently set boundaries. She is counting on you giving in when she is sad and upset. It's another control tactic. So just stop. It's ok to comfort and reassure her, but don't back down.
NXS Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Thanks for the advice. I know I will have to make changes, but it's easier said than done. I can try to stand firm, but it also kills me to see her sad, upset, etc. I guess there is no 'Easy' button for this... As for abandonment issues; I'm not sure. She has mended her relationship with her father several years ago and works for his (and his new wife's) company. I think she's going to be more upset when you can't take it anymore and hand her the divorce papers, unless of course you're thinking of continuing to bend to her every whim for the next 20 years hoping she'll finally trust you enough to magically change her behaviour..... it's not gonna happen. I'd suggest you start writing down what changes you want to implement, in clear detail, or post them up here for feedback. Right now you're not thinking straight so you need to have it clear in your head before talking to her. You also have to be clear that you're not going to back down on this after you've explained it to her. This is as much about changing your behaviour as it is hers, you don't seem to be able to stand up for yourself to women. Good luck and keep posting.
2sunny Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 You need counseling! This isn't what a healthy marriage looks like - there's more freedom than this when people are in jail!
findingnemo Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 You need counseling! This isn't what a healthy marriage looks like - there's more freedom than this when people are in jail! ^^^^This. You need MC and she needs serious IC. This will only get worse and worse. Get professional help.
sad puppy Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 She's the one that needs IC to deal with her control and trust issues, they are severe and your life is not normal due to that. I'd sit her down, discuss calmly and rationally, and ask her to go. Explain that this is a deal breaker, that it's affecting you to the point of considering divorce. She will either get it or not. And you'll have your answer.
twice shy Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 dude, you gotta keep your pimp hand strong. you sound like a decent fellow. you love your wife and you try to reassure her by not leaving the hotel and by telling her where you are all the time. but this has its limits. you bring her flowers. you think you're being very romantic and thoughtful (and you are!). but instead of her feeling loved and appreciated, she thinks you've done something wrong and you're compensating. you have to stop validating her feelings and contributing to this madness. next time you're in gay paree on bidness, go see the arc de triomphe and the Eiffel tower. call her four hours later when you return to the hotel. by now, she's apoplectic because you aren't answering your phone at the hotel. calmly say, i was out seeing the sights of the beautiful city. don't even dignify the accusations. don't deny them, don't address them. simply tell her that you don't appreciate being called a liar and a cheater by someone that you really love and that you thought loved you. love and trust go together. you have one, but not the other. this won't get better, it'll get worse. better to deal with it now. . .
worldgonewrong Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 you think you're being very romantic and thoughtful (and you are!). but instead of her feeling loved and appreciated, she thinks you've done something wrong and you're compensating. Boy, I can relate to this 1000-fold.
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