Justdown Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 (edited) I am a 41 my wife is 42. We have been married for 15 years. She has 4 children which are all grown and moved out, I have 1 which is 18. No children together. 3 years ago I found out about infidelity in my wife. Over 6 months , which I know about she had 3 emotional affairs with three different men. She swore she never slept with them. She blamed me for not being there for her over the years. I called other spouses and told them about it. We separated, I moved out and divorce papers were filed it was mutual. A month into divorce we reconciled, started counseling and rebuilding our marriage. I was very hesitant and scared of the hurt. At the time everything fell apart I confided in an old gf from high school to pour my heart out to. she was married also. I told my wife about her. We agreed no contact with any of the other 3rd parties. A month later I got a call from my friend. Things were still rocky with my wife, I did not know if I could trust her again. I felt it was safe talking to this woman, she lives 1500 miles away. So I began talking to this woman monthly, then weekly then daily over a period of 1 1/2 years. At the same time I was "working on my marriage". I was living a lie. I got caught up in the fantasy of a woman really being nice to me. Well she came to visit family and we met for the first time in over 20 years and spent a night together a year ago. We both agreed to stop this and it was going no where. she loved her husband and I had fell back in love with my wife. Well after no contact after a year she confessed to her husband out of guilt and my wife received a letter from him telling her everything 4 months ago. Things turned bad fast, I was asked to leave the house for a separation, she needed her space. So I did , I love my wife and wanted to give her that. Whatever she needed. Well during the first three months she turned to this woman's husband, and they started a romantic fling or whatever you call it, flying to see each other and everything to have contact. I was devastated. I had chalked up our marriage as being over, even tho I persistently called , text , emailed begging for forgiveness, and telling her how much i loved her. All I got was is our marriage is over I can never trust you. So, I began picking up the pieces of the destruction I caused. We had very little contact at this time. I started to date a woman. Then a shift happened, I get a call from my wife saying how much she misses me and loves me, so I bite. I do love my wife. She agreed no contact with OM and I agree no contact with any woman. But I have found evidence there was contact the first week.This last month we spent a lot of time together. But she continues to tell me she needs time to heal and cannot make a commitment to me or our marriage. She feels I am pressuring her to give more, I asked if she would go to counseling and she says she has to get herself better first. Just likes being with me. I got a call from her last Thursday and she just says out of the clear blue, I do not want to see you anymore, do not contact me or harass me. I will call the police if you do.I was like why she said I cannot trust you and never will. We did speak after that I asked why, she says she needs time to heal and cannot do this with me around and she left for FL on Saturday for a weeks vacation to see her 2 daughters. She says she still loves me, but her actions confuse me. I get beat down everyday by words." If you really loved me and were sorry why did you go out another woman when we were apart, and you did this to me, you broke me" She has called and text me me since telling me this. Which confuses me. I love my wife and I want to make things right, but she acts as if she has not made the pile of **** bigger to sort through. And doesn't want to give "us" any energy or emotions at this point to rebuild our marriage. I have opened myself and my heart up to her to show her I love her and have nothing to hide and make her feel secure. I beat myself up every day for what I did. If I could turn back the clock I would never do it. I did ask her what she was thinking by running of with this man, she said she was confused in one breath and then in the next she said " i wanted to make sure their marriage was completely ruined, and she did a good job" To add we are in the middle of a divorce again 4 months into it, I don't want to divorce. But she says she isn't stopping it this time. she says a piece of paper should not matter if we are commited to each other. So I ask what is her thinking? What does a woman need to heal? What does this woman want? Why did she kick the door back open, just to make me feel miserable more? Am I just a big dummy and cant see the light? Edited March 4, 2012 by Justdown
KathyM Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I'd say you need to see the light that your marriage is over. Too much damage has been done to it at this point--multiple cases of infidelity on both of your parts. The foundation is too shaky to rebuild a marriage on at this point.
carhill Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I'd continue the divorce case and go for amicable mediation to settlement. I concur with KathyM, sadly. Sometimes you just have to say 'done'. Welcome to LS
standtall Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 So I ask what is her thinking? What does a woman need to heal? What does this woman want? Why did she kick the door back open, just to make me feel miserable more? Am I just a big dummy and cant see the light? 1. What a woman is thinking,,,the biggest mystery ever! 2. Her self esteem. 3. She doesn't know. 4. Because she doesn't know what she is doing. 5. Yes
Author Justdown Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 I did not want to hear these responses. Ouch. we spoke yesterday am. She said she was not going to call me everyday, she needs time. I asked her if she is trying to not love me, is that the reason she wants her "space". she said no, I love you. I am just trying to figure out if I want to be with you. And told me to behave while she was gone. Is there hope?
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