My Story...My Boyfriend Cheated and I need unbiased

[ConfusedandLosingIt]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. We first dated for 6 months in high school, I got pregnant, dealt with it in a way that he didn't agree, but he still wanted to support me. I was 16, scared, and realized that I was too young to be so serious about one person. I pushed him away by being very mean and I broke his heart.

We both moved on and lived our lives but 5 years later, through a message on msn, our lives crossed paths again. We started talking and everything felt right. We started dating and only 2 months into the relationship, we found out we were pregnant. We decided to keep the baby, and we became very happy and excited about being a perfect little family.

As the months went on and I got bigger, the less I wanted to be intimate. It hurt him, but obviously he understood that I was getting huge and uncomfortable, so obviously sex was the last think on my mind!

We had our beautiful daughter and things seemed great, but I still did not feel like being intimate. We started fighting more, and I started feeling less and less attracted to him, or any one at all for that matter.

for almost 2 years, this went on and he kept telling me what he needed from me, but I ignored him. He even warned me that if I didn't give him what he needed (not just sex, but love in general) he was going to find it else where. I didn't take him seriously, of course, he loved me and I had him wrapped around my finger. He would never leave me.

I started to come around, wanted to have sex more, and was really becoming attracted to him again. But this is when I really started to notice that he was now moving away from me. He would go out more often and stay out late. He didn't want to have sex as much, or even touch me at all.

i still didn't believe he would ever leave me, or be unfaithful.

Just last week, after about 1 1/2 years of suspicion, I caught him.

The OW came to our home and dropped off a present for him on our doorstep. He opened the door, got the present, I saw the card and I lost it!

I flipped. He said it was nothing and she was just crazy and thats just the way to talks to all of her friends, guys or girls.

I obviously did not believe him, so I went into his email. My heart sank! I found messages that date back to almost 2 years ago. He had been "stepping out" on me, just like he said he would.

The most recent messages from him to her were very mean. He told her he hated her and he never wanted to see her again. He told her that she is a 5 at most and "his gf (me)" is 10 times better then she ever will be.

I confronted him about the messages and it took a few days but finally, he admitted it all.

We have talked about it a lot over the past week and I feel a little better about working through this. I gave him a list of ultimatums and told him if he can't meet my needs, then I am gone.

I feel bad, I feel like for 2 years he begged me and pleaded for me to give him what he needed and I didn't listen. I didn't care.

Its now all come back to bite me in the ass and I feel like I owe it to myself and him (and our daughter) to start fresh and try our best to work through this.

He has feelings for another woman now, but still loves me. I understand that he had emotional needs that I was not meeting, but he didn't want to leave me.

I am very confused right now, and do not know what to do. I love him with all of my heart and feel like the past few years have been really hard on both of us.

One thing I am still struggling with is that he has passwords on his phone and his facebook and he wont take them off. He said he still needs privacy. He showed me his phone contacts and her name was not on the list. He blocked her email address while I was watching. I still have doubts though. I think, maybe he doesn't have her in his contact list but that doesn't mean he doesn't have texts from her, but just doesn't keep her name in his phone.

Should he take the passwords off, do I have a right to demand this of him?

I feel like I should have complete access to everything until he proves to me that he is 100% about me. What should I do?

[darkmoon]

you can't "demand" the password, tbh, your guy is young unless my math is wrong you're both just ten years out of high-school, your boyf is not wholly mature - but then, who wants a old man? - some women turn a blind eye to foolings-around, you are both quite young but no don't "demand" see how he behaves, his eyes will give him away if he looks sorry he is, likewise guilty

Edited March 4, 2012 by darkmoon

[carhill]

for almost 2 years, this went on and he kept telling me what he needed from me, but I ignored him. He even warned me that if I didn't give him what he needed (not just sex, but love in general) he was going to find it else where. I didn't take him seriously, of course, he loved me and I had him wrapped around my finger. He would never leave me.

That was the breakdown in your relationship. Counseling during that time could have helped. Subsequent, it's highly likely he saw his responsibilities as a father paramount and 'thought the relationship' into that compartment, while pursuing passion/intimacy/emotional support/sex elsewhere until caught.

 

IMO, you're both responsible for the breakdown of the relationship. He's responsible for his infidelity.

 

Will both of your consider counseling now?

 

Welcome to LS

[KathyM]

If you want to save the relationship, counseling is the way to go. And I think it's reasonable for you to expect the passwords of your bf's phone and facebook. If he's not willing to give that, it means he is still wanting to hide something from you. Total transparency is the only way to start to rebuild the trust that was lost.

[ConfusedandLosingIt]

We went to counseling once before, a few months ago, but never stuck with it. I know now, since he has told me, that it was at that time that he was really contemplating leaving me because he was so unhappy. He said of the whole time we were together, one time we broke up for about a week, he moved into the spare room, that was the only time he REALLY wanted it to be over. But after a week of not being with me, he missed me and didn't want to leave and lose everything.

I have called a counseling service and am waiting for an appointment. He is willing to go, but first I need to go alone, for me.

[ConfusedandLosingIt]

I should also add, that my boyfriend had a pretty rough childhood. Also, he was overweight and had very low self esteem. He has always been very self destructive and ended up spending the last 2 years of his teenage life behind bars and in rehab. We got back together only a few months after he finally got out of rehab, got a job and was finally in a good, sober state of mind.

He started working out a lot, and about a year into our relationship, he was finally starting to feel very comfortable with his body. Thats about the time I stopped paying attention.

[irin]

having a baby is very hard demanding thing to do. it takes a long time for a woman to recover from. he wasn't very understanding and frankly selfish. women need to stop excusing cheaters. he doesn't seem very apologetic.