Stressed out about having to live with ex and roomate that is in love with her.

[ChefDan17]

ok so, my ex gf broke up with her boyfriend and had to move out she had no place to stay so I'm letting her crash in my living room til she gets her own place. I have two roomates, one of which is in love with her and her friend at the same time. He also stays in the living room. The other is pretty much my best friend here in seattle. I had a talk with everyone saying that while this is the situation everyone has to keep **** "on the level" it should be common sense that with so much tension floating around it's a given.

 

my problem is that, since she's moved in things have changed, my buddy who is in love with her cannot be bothered to let anyone else have her attention without throwing himself in the middle. Moreover, they're pretty much attached at the hip. Because of my history with her, everything has become completely awkward because of that. I reassure myself that nothing is wrong and everyone is keeping it "on the level" and they're just good friends. They sleep on the futon but from what I've seen under different blankets on opposite sides of the futon facing away from each other. However the other day I came home and the front door was locked, came in the back and both of them were awake under the same blanket and she was "nippling" which means either she was cold or sex. She wasn't wearing a bra, but that's normal for her when she sleeps. I noticed and asked "are you cold? because your nippling." and she said "I think it's just my medication screwing with my body". They both seem to avoid much interaction with me, and constantly ignore me.

 

So now I'm stuck feeling like I'm helping out two friends one of which is my ex by letting them stay in my home and they're fooling around behind my back despite everyone agreeing to keep it "on the level". When I talked to everyone about it I made sure to say that "once you/she gets her own place, whatever I don't care." and I don't even care if she leaves to go hook up with someone else outside of the house. I think that's fair.

 

I don't know if I'm being paranoid, or if I have reason to suspect anything. I know that if I said anything, I'd either be a dick or they wouldn't admit the truth. So it seems moot. I want to trust everything is all right, but I cant shake the feeling. Some nights I have a hard time sleeping because of it. My own house has become unwelcoming.

 

Our former relationship left me with all kinds of mixed feelings, so I'm probably not in the right mind to look at things rationally. I do know that I just want her to be out of my hair, but if I were to kick her out she'd have no place to go, and we get along well enough as friends that it's tolerable having her around.

 

My other roomate and I (not the one in love with her) are moving into our own place in 2 months, just us two, and I'm worried that they're not gonna be able to find a place before then, She doesn't have a job right now because she had to quit when she moved in with her boyfriend because she was too far away from it and was spending all the money she made just on gas to get there and back, and the roomate in love with her is getting his hours cut at work. I keep pressuring them to get their **** together, but I'm still worried. Despite how I may feel about what they're up to when nobody's around, I cant just forsake them.

 

any advice? encouragement? words of wisdom?

[Ursa]

My advice to you is to take care of yourself, first.

 

Look, I have been through this myself in my younger years. It's easy to feel responsible for other people, get reeled in so that you feel you will be abandoning helpless infants to the cold wilderness...but that's all internal dramatics you're putting yourself through. These two mooches are going through a very, very common stage of slackerism/douchebaggery, and nothing will shake them out of it as long as you are taking responsibility for them like some kind of surrogate parent. Worse, they don't even respect you for it...they rebel against you like they would their real parent. They're still teenagers, emotionally.

 

I'm not saying they don't have better qualities, but they need to grow into them. They need to learn to stand on their own. Simply, they need to grow up. Perhaps one day they will be sterling individuals you will WANT to have as friends...or perhaps you're all just outgrowing each other, on different paths. It happens.

 

Take care of yourself, FIRST. I'm glad to hear you're already moving in 2 months. Make sure they know that they have these 2 months to get themselves together, because they are not your responsibility and they cannot follow you and continue to suck the life out of you in your next house. You have been MORE than fair, MORE than generous, and now it is time to strengthen your boundaries and practice a little self-preservation, self-love.

 

You don't even have to give them the next 2 months, but it might make you feel better to give them a hard deadline. Don't coddle them beyond it, please. You won't be doing them, or yourself, any real favors.