SJC2008 Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 It seems that many men and woman won't respond to a text or call after a 1st date if they don't like you. It's rude in my book but it seems to be the norm and the consensus is it's to "avoid conflict". How many dates in does the person you're dating truly owe you a "Hey, I'm sorry but I don't see this going anywhere".
carhill Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 The cool thing is you don't have to waste a canary on them. The mine's on fire so don't go in there. Translated: Anything other than proactive and arbitrary interest is a rejection. Billions more waiting to be served. 1
Author SJC2008 Posted March 4, 2012 Author Posted March 4, 2012 Like I said it's rude but from a mans perspective I kind of understand a woman doing it after only one or two dates because they don't want to be called a b or whatever and just assume ignoring is the best route. BUT IMO 3 dates onward I'd really expect something from thier end saying it's time to move on.
salparadise Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I can understand how following an initial coffee date meeting a person might feel there is no implied obligation, but if it was an actual date I don't see how a reasonable person could think that way. It's nothing more than the difference between being rude and selfish vs. being respectful and extending a bit of common courtesy. It's only a reflection on the person choosing not to respond and shouldn't be taken personally by the other. When a person has the decency to say what needs to be said, and to say it in a respectful way, the whole interaction has a feeling of integrity. When a person chooses avoidance it has quite the opposite effect, and leaves me thinking... wow, I sure misjudged this one! But the upside is that it leaves no doubt that the person does not have the integrity of character that I would require, and they just saved me a lot of time and potential disappointment.
dasein Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 People of quality will respond with a brief letdown to date invitations or plain expressions of interests even if it's a first date invitation. People of low quality don't, no one of quality leaves anyone hanging whether it's family, friend, potential date, at any time. People of quality don't ignore any sincere individual in their lives other than spam and unwanted sales come-ons. It's that simple, and a fact that most people in this country are low quality at least in how they conduct their social lives and interactions with others. As a person trying to be quality, we shouldn't let the chaff discourage us into sinking to their level. 1
ScienceGal Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I find that to be rude. If I went on a date and the man messaged "I had a great time tonight", or something like that, I would assume he will probably ask me out again. If I know without a doubt that I'm not interested, it's not fair to string him along or keep his hopes up, even for a second. If I wasn't interested I would reply "I had a great time too, but unfortunately I do not feel a romantic connection between us. Thank you for a lovely evening". You can't make everyone be polite though, Just move on and consider yourself lucky for dodging that bullet. 1
gaius Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I prefer to be ignored and think maybe she got hit by a bus or something and can't reply rather than face the ego crushing blow which is a “I don't see this going anywhere” message.
johan Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I've never found it to be rude. There is no commitment or even a relationship. It was just a date. I'm not sure the concept of "owing" should exist at that point. I think it's more common coutesy to be sensitive enough not to put someone in the uncomfortable position of having to verbalize their rejection to you (a message you should have already received when they didn't call back). No one likes doing that, and they won't if they don't have to.
TheSingleGuy Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 ++++The cool thing is you don't have to waste a canary on them. The mine's on fire so don't go in there. ++++ This makes perfect sense.
Author SJC2008 Posted March 4, 2012 Author Posted March 4, 2012 After the 1st couple of dates I feel they do owe you. Why would you make them waste about a week or so until they get your "hint"? Like another poster said I wouldn't want to be involved with someone of that character anyway so in the end they are doing you a favor anyway by showing you the type of person they are.
Feelin Frisky Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I'd either phone or not phone. Texting is chicken shi+. There is no universal number of attempts that holds true for all persons since everyone is unique. It should be clear after the first encounter if there is any chemistry in both directions. If I'm interested and I ask her out again and she shows reluctance, you know it ain't happening enough on her side and to start shutting down the enthusiasm tent and bugger off. I'm the type who doesn't want be abruptly regretful but I think it's wrong to lead anyone on as well, so it's courteous to just say it was nice meeting ya and leave it at that.
Star Gazer Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I've never found it to be rude. There is no commitment or even a relationship. It was just a date. I'm not sure the concept of "owing" should exist at that point. I think it's more common coutesy to be sensitive enough not to put someone in the uncomfortable position of having to verbalize their rejection to you (a message you should have already received when they didn't call back). No one likes doing that, and they won't if they don't have to. I totally agree. After the 1st couple of dates I feel they do owe you. Why would you make them waste about a week or so until they get your "hint"? Like another poster said I wouldn't want to be involved with someone of that character anyway so in the end they are doing you a favor anyway by showing you the type of person they are. In the context of dating/non-exclusive relationships, no one ever owes anyone anything. And it shouldn't take a week for you to get the hint. Someone who's interested will respond ASAP.
johan Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I would also say that you should keep whatever commitments you do make. If you say you will call, then call. If you don't say it, then do what you want. And like Feeling Frisky said, don't lead people on.
Author SJC2008 Posted March 4, 2012 Author Posted March 4, 2012 So lets say the woman I'm dating (3 dates) goes cold and ignores texts and calls; Some of you are totally ok with that?? I'm not. Remember that the question was how many dates IN wound you expect a BRIEF ".......".
Star Gazer Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 So lets say the woman I'm dating (3 dates) goes cold and ignores texts and calls; Some of you are totally ok with that?? I'm not. Remember that the question was how many dates IN wound you expect a BRIEF ".......". And my answer was that when dating and not-exclusive, you're never OWED anything, including a BRIEF "....."
Imajerk17 Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I say, make it a point to appreciate hearing from the people on here, women especially, who say that they do not get back to the guy at all if they aren't interested, and why. Whether it is because they say they don't feel they have to, they can't stand rejecting someone, or even they don't like confrontation and they are concerned for the guy's reaction. It's the closest thing a guy will get to getting to have a conversation with the girl who blew them off. In fact, if every woman on here said that they always get back to the guy, I would suspect that something is off. Because that is NOT how things work in real life. That said, the roles in dating are asymmetrical. I mean, the guy is usually the one who planned and paid for the date. I get that this is an expectation that will never go away soon, but I wish women would see it this way: "This is a guy who put in effort and money to show me a good time. I could at least give the guy the courtesy of a response back."
Imajerk17 Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 That said, as far as whether I'd get back to the woman, I would if she contacted me. But otherwise, no. I mean, it's awkward to write someone *unsolicited* and let them know you are NOT interested.
Star Gazer Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 "This is a guy who put in effort and money to show me a good time. I could at least give the guy the courtesy of a response back." Sure. But being courteous with a response is quite different from giving one out of some sense of obligation or owed debt.
carhill Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 Every type of answer is good information. It can speak volumes, if one listens. Even silence.
Imajerk17 Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 Sure. But being courteous with a response is quite different from giving one out of some sense of obligation or owed debt. Well no, it's not an obligation that would hold up in a court of law obviously. But not responding back seems to me to be almost on the same level as standing up a date. I mean, you can't get sued for that, but it still shows IMO a lack of regard for someone else's feelings. I mean, after all the effort the guy put in, the girl can't even give him a text back?
dasein Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 (edited) And my answer was that when dating and not-exclusive, you're never OWED anything, including a BRIEF "....." Point missed, or rather conveniently rationalized, as usual when this type of issue comes up. I understand OP used "owe" but that's no reason to latch onto that unfortunate word choice. Basic civility and social consideration are not matters of "debt." Adopting high quality behaviors v low in one's social life is not always, or even usually, a matter of "OWING" anyone anything. You don't OWE someone behind you not to let the door slam in their face. You don't OWE someone coming to the elevator to hold the door until they get there. You don't OWE waitstaff or anyone else the courtesies of "Please" and "Thank you." Trying to squeeze OP's issue into some kind of bogus "debt" analysis is inaccurate and self-serving for those who see no problems treating others rudely and inconsiderately. If you thought enough of a person to accept an invitation, yet change your mind later, it's the simplest of matters to politely decline any further invitations in a direct fashion. This also applies to ignoring people by letting their contacts go to voicemail after you have showed openness to engaging them socially. It's painfully simple. It is always interesting to see posters on LS rationalizing ignoring people with no good reason as acceptable social behavior. It's totally fine to ignore rude people, unwanted sales solicitations, people who persist past an initial rejection, etc., but plainly rude to ignore people socially without reason. Edited March 4, 2012 by dasein
PlumPrincess Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I think you owe people a direct answer, but I also understand why you won't always get a reply back. Rejecting someone is not something people want to do. If I receive a message and don't reply immediately, it tends to drag on, because after some time passes, it feels weird to reply, so you hesitate even more, and then more time passes, etc. If the other person inquires again though, then I will certainly answer. I also think, if you want a clear answer, then ask a clear question. I feel less inhibition to turn someone down when I get asked directly. Somehow I have this irrational fear that when I turn a guy down he will tell me that it's just in my head and that he only wants to be friends with me. If I recall it correctly, I had this problem with a guy only once, but somehow it stuck with me.
Author SJC2008 Posted March 4, 2012 Author Posted March 4, 2012 Like dasien said yall keep "quoting" owe. People I'm datin don't owe me it with a sh in front of it. What they SHOULD do is be considerate. Not one person has answered the question as I said I can understand the 1st couple of dates. HOW MANY DATES IN SHOULD THEY TELL/MESSAGE YOU THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU ? Some say they don't ever "owe" you if your dating so yall are saying if I'm datin a woman,6 weeks in I can up and disappear like a fart in the wind,no call no text nothing, and it's 100% a ok because we're not official and just dating? BULL $HIT.
PlumPrincess Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 Like dasien said yall keep "quoting" owe. People I'm datin don't owe me it with a sh in front of it. What they SHOULD do is be considerate. Not one person has answered the question as I said I can understand the 1st couple of dates. HOW MANY DATES IN SHOULD THEY TELL/MESSAGE YOU THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU ? Some say they don't ever "owe" you if your dating so yall are saying if I'm datin a woman,6 weeks in I can up and disappear like a fart in the wind,no call no text nothing, and it's 100% a ok because we're not official and just dating? BULL $HIT. Well, first date, ok?? I guess, if I reply when some random stranger in the street approaches me, I can reply when someone I had date with asks me.
johan Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Like dasien said yall keep "quoting" owe. People I'm datin don't owe me it with a sh in front of it. What they SHOULD do is be considerate. Not one person has answered the question as I said I can understand the 1st couple of dates. HOW MANY DATES IN SHOULD THEY TELL/MESSAGE YOU THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU ? Some say they don't ever "owe" you if your dating so yall are saying if I'm datin a woman,6 weeks in I can up and disappear like a fart in the wind,no call no text nothing, and it's 100% a ok because we're not official and just dating? BULL $HIT. Three. No, four. Six. And a half. Ten? Eight. I think the right answer is eight. Nine. I'm sure it's nine. Unless you saw her nipple earlier. As soon as you see a nipple, then "common courtesy" kicks in. After five dates. I think it's five. Is five right, SJC? Six? I think it's six. Six nighttime dates, that is. Daytime trips to the zoo don't count. Ok, it's seven. Ignore all that. Seven it is. Eight.
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