OLD - focusing too much on what you don't want

March 4, 2012

When browsing the area, I've been coming across this ever evolving profile of a woman who at one time did have a standard online dating profile.

I have to admite, she's in her mid 30's, and knock-out gorgoues woman. Very athletic, a runner. (Picture of herself running a race, her race # on her tank top)

On bikini photo of her by the pool, and a couple of her dressed to the hilt at a nightclub, but surprisingly, not raising a drink "cheers" to the camera. Very pleasant looking smile on her face. Very poised and classy.

But, over time I started seeing her adding a numbered list, and complaints lately.

Things like "Okay, if you don't have all your teeth, don't email me, if it looks like you like to hunt and eat your dinner, don't email me."

"If you email me, email me again, and email me some more and I haven't been responding to your first email, attempt to chat with me online and I don't respond there.....please move on"

She made note that sometimes when she changes her pictures every so often, she's noticed the same guys re-emailing her, probably because she forgot what she looked like or something. lol

(I'm noticing alot of women stating the ol "if I don't respond, take no offense, but it means I wasn't interested). It's like they're telling you UP front that "hey, if I dont' respond, you have your answer"

Seems the profiles are getting more pompous lately or bitter, hard to tell the diff. There's form of elitism or "I think I"m better than you" attitude with some.

"I know what I'm looking for, a handsome man, gorgeous smile, so I already have in my head what I'm picturing"

She continued with another numbered list with "Update" next to it. BUT THIS....was an FAQ!

"Okay, I seem to be getting a lot of common questions in these emails, please be original."

1. "Yes, I like my career in <name of her career>

2. "I've lived her X years"

.....and so on.

But my main question is this, if a person's dating profile starts to sound like a seriously bitter lists of "Don't email me ifs...and actually you try to start an FAQ of commonly asked questions she's getting.....don't you think it's time to just not even online date anymore? At least for her?

March 4, 2012

I have also seen this happen, were the woman's profile evolved over time, to include a list dont contact me if you....or ... or..... or..... I can understand their frustration, but surely there's enough decrent guy's msgs in their inbox to keep them focused, so they dont have to worry about msgs from the hillbillies. Simply quickly scan the guys profile and if its/hes junk then click delete from list. I find a list of 'dont contact me if you..' to be a turn off, but if it filters out the duds then its a positive, as long as it doesn't filter out too many decent guys who now view the woman as having an attitude. It would be interesting to hear if any of the women here or their friends did this and thought they were better off for it.

As for keeping your contact msgs original, guy's need to factor that in if they want to stand out a little from the crowd, though for the guy's who barely get any msgs back from women, they don't realise this, as they would be more than happy to have a woman msg them asking a question about their photo or their job or hobby.

As for the women's profiles getting more pompous lately, I cant say as I am not using OLD, though a few women I know who are, have a attitude than OLD is beneath them, they are not used to having to actively make an effort (or pay subscription) to find a guy, so to justify it they expected a great quality guy. Another woman I know likened OLD to having a 2nd fishing rod a bit further down on the lake, have high expectations in what you want, but if it doesn't happen no drama as its not your primary tool/focus for finding a guy. Hard to say if this attitude is wide spread or not.

March 4, 2012

I can totally relate to this woman and it's the reason why I deactivate and reactivate my profile all the time. I assume that with online dating the number of unwanted attention doubles or triples, or even more, compared with real life. In real life, you just don't give signals to the weirdos and creeps. But on a dating site, you have a nice profile and a picture with a friendly smile and somehow that makes these guys think they have a chance with you. I might get approached once a year on the street by some weirdo and after telling them thank you they will leave you, but online it happens on a daily or weekly basis and sometimes they just won't leave. There are people whose profile I haven't visited once and they just keep on visiting mine. And some people just do not understand that, "No, thank you." just means that. I will probably get a lot of flak for this, but only a loser will keep on visiting a profile when he got clearly rejected and told to leave you alone.

(And let me make it clear, "weirdos and creeps" is not the same as "guys I'm not attracted to". These are guys that most of the guys here who are always so eager to critize women and their attitudes wouldn't want to associate with as well. They would be the first ones to tell them to f*ck off.)

It gets so frustrating after a while. Sometimes I will add some comment on my profile, then I take it off, because I know, it will make me come across as bitter, but I would so like to tell some people to f*ck off. And I'm certainly not the most interesting and best looking woman online. It must be even worse if they look as great as she does.

My profile is active, but I just don't really bother too much with it anymore.

March 4, 2012

I will probably get a lot of flak for this, but only a loser will keep on visiting a profile when he got clearly rejected and told to leave you alone.

You mean "Visiting" repeatedly, or emailing you repeatedly, there is a difference, I know I've "visited" the same profiles, only because I've pretty much reached the LIMIT of the amount of the same faces I keep seeing within my 50 mile geographic location. Most of these women have been on these sites a little too long, doesn't look good for them if people keep seeing it there.

Some our outright nasty and bitter in their profiles, "Don't email me if you're bald!!" or "...under 6 feet!"

There are some reasons I can understand their frustrations, from getting emails from total freaks, like she's a decent looking woman, but she gets emails from guys with tats and facial piercings, and they look like someone that just did some time in the county lockup"

But if you're complaining about how a decent guy who doesn't match up tot he height criteria or the amt of hair on your head....well....I guess that says a lot about how, it appears, that only average Joes are emailing her, and NOT the hunks she's seeking out (chances are they are already with a woman, lol)

I had a female friend that said she was finally glad to have her profile off of POF, (she's seeing someone now) because she said it wouldn't look good for her to be seen there constantly.

March 4, 2012

Very easily fixed by choosing to contact the guy first. Its not like most men are really reading my profile anyway.

When I do OLD, I rarely respond or even read the profiles of men who email me first. I do say in my profile that I prefer to contact them first.

Here is my filter criteria... I look at the list of men who have looked at my profile (whether or not they email me). If he's within my age range, I will look at his profile and decide whether I want to contact him or not.

Very funny about the setting a 2nd line in the fishing pond down the road. Yep, that's my strategy too. Definately not my first option.

March 4, 2012

I don't understand why they write the above since they're going to get a message from these people regardless. When I've met up with women, they've told me how they get asked for sex and get messaged by people twice their age.

March 4, 2012

Posting a bikini picture on a online dating profile? Really? That undoubtly screams attention whore to a lot of productle. Umm, I wonder if she's looking for replies from guys that have picture of themselves wearing speedos. Sorry, sounds a little too vain. Based on her numbering format, the rest of her profile probably reads like a princess's wish list.

March 4, 2012

Yes, it is rather confusing to see people throw out bait for one thing, then complain about the fish they catch with that bait.

March 4, 2012

I don't even know why they waste their time with OLD (assuming it's really a woman, not some guy with stolen pics). Because IME they're never going to get hit on by the sort of man who'll turn them on if they stick to OLD.

Good-quality guys just don't bother with OLD, but a lot of women haven't learned this yet.

At any rate, I don't sulk about it because it isn't my loss.

March 4, 2012

To me, they're the same people who put "SICK OF THE GAMES" or "SICK OF THE LIARS"

In this case, I think they came into OLD with their expectations set too high. I wonder how women would react if men put such things on their profiles?

If your BMI is greater than 20, don't email me
If you look like a before photo for Jenny Craig, don't email me
If you chopped your hair as short as a guy's, don't email me
If you have kids, don't bother emailing me
If you're looking to get married in a year, move on
If you're carrying more than $5000 in credit card debt, don't email me
If you're older than 30 (despite that I'm 40), don't email me
If you believe in waiting til marriage, don't email me

If I don't respond to you, then it means I'm not interested. If we go out and I don't call you again, then it means you're too much trouble for my time. If we bang and I don't call you, just be happy you satisfied me.

If you want to get mad and call me a pig, bear in mind I'll just keep getting more handsome as I age, and I'll have more money. I'll have plenty of options til the day I die...while you'll just get uglier and fatter, thus you can pray to God all night a guy even looks at you.

March 4, 2012

Women who have these bulleted lists have no intentions of meeting any guys offline. They're all AW's holding out for some Brad Pitt look-a-like and place a high premium on a man's looks while ignoring his other attributes. Let me tell you, these types of women are SINGLE FOR A REASON!

March 4, 2012

I can totally relate to this woman and it's the reason why I deactivate and reactivate my profile all the time. I assume that with online dating the number of unwanted attention doubles or triples, or even more, compared with real life. In real life, you just don't give signals to the weirdos and creeps. But on a dating site, you have a nice profile and a picture with a friendly smile and somehow that makes these guys think they have a chance with you. I might get approached once a year on the street by some weirdo and after telling them thank you they will leave you, but online it happens on a daily or weekly basis and sometimes they just won't leave. There are people whose profile I haven't visited once and they just keep on visiting mine. And some people just do not understand that, "No, thank you." just means that. I will probably get a lot of flak for this, but only a loser will keep on visiting a profile when he got clearly rejected and told to leave you alone.

(And let me make it clear, "weirdos and creeps" is not the same as "guys I'm not attracted to". These are guys that most of the guys here who are always so eager to critize women and their attitudes wouldn't want to associate with as well. They would be the first ones to tell them to f*ck off.)

It gets so frustrating after a while. Sometimes I will add some comment on my profile, then I take it off, because I know, it will make me come across as bitter, but I would so like to tell some people to f*ck off. And I'm certainly not the most interesting and best looking woman online. It must be even worse if they look as great as she does.

My profile is active, but I just don't really bother too much with it anymore.

Yup, I can relate to her as well.

March 4, 2012

It's pointless telling certain people not to email you because they will anyway. I keep details to a minimum regarding the type of man I am looking for because I've had men pretend they fit the description when they don't. Then I just send a 'thanks but no thanks' email when someone unsuitable contacts me and block them. Problem solved.

I agree that it's creepy when someone stalks you by constantly viewing your profile but you can't stop them from looking.

March 4, 2012

I get contacted by a lot of single moms who from their profile it's pretty clear they have no income coming in, and women whose status is "separated" (and women who are both single moms and "separated"). I once got a few unsolicited emails from a woman who was 15 years older than I am.

I feel irritated to get this kind of communication. I get that everyone has a right to pursue happiness, but I wish these women would think about what they have to offer me before they bother to wink or write. It's like when you are selling something of value and someone makes you a lowball offer.

To this end, I put a paragraph that nicely says that I am not interested to these women: "I'm not compatible with someone who already has kids or whose status is "separated". Just trying to save whomever is reading this some time." I do feel more strongly about it than how I wrote it in my profile, but if I were to put it down as I really feel, I'd end up turning off women whom I would be interested in. (Many women, even those without kids, seem to take a hard-line stance of "no single moms" as a sign that the guy is angry, selfish or that he doesn't want kids of his own. Or at least that is my take as to what is happening. When I did word the above more strongly, I seemed to get fewer emails returned.)

Edited March 4, 2012 by Imajerk17

March 4, 2012

"Don't cut off your nose to spite your face" is a phrase that comes to mind Imajerk17...

March 4, 2012

I get contacted by a lot of single moms who from their profile it's pretty clear they have no income coming in, and women whose status is "separated" (and women who are both single moms and "separated"). I once got a few unsolicited emails from a woman who was 15 years older than I am.

I feel irritated to get this kind of communication. I get that everyone has a right to pursue happiness, but I wish these women would think about what they have to offer me before they bother to wink or write. It's like when you are selling something of value and someone makes you a lowball offer.

To this end, I put a paragraph that nicely says that I am not interested to these women: "I'm not compatible with someone who already has kids or whose status is "separated". Just trying to save whomever is reading this some time." I do feel more strongly about it than how I wrote it in my profile, but if I were to put it down as I really feel, I'd end up turning off women whom I would be interested in. (Many women, even those without kids, seem to take a hard-line stance of "no single moms" as a sign that the guy is angry, selfish or that he doesn't want kids of his own. Or at least that is my take as to what is happening. When I did word the above more strongly, I seemed to get fewer emails returned.)

I totally feel you on the bolded.

And I agree that *if* you're going to put something about what you don't want in your profile, that you should couch it in as gentle a way as possible.

Personally, I've never put something in an OLD profile stating what I don't want, but I understand where the laundry lists of dealbreakers ("must have all teeth" and "no single moms") comes from.

March 4, 2012

Many women, when they write their profiles, don't make it easy for a guy to email them. As in, they will post generic pictures of themselves-- a few pictures of them hanging out with friends, one of their dog, and that's about it. And then they will write text full of adjectives and cliches, e.g., "I'm loyal, hardworking, and I like to laugh." So the only thing that stands out really is their looks. So with this in mind, what is a guy supposed to write them?

March 4, 2012

So with this in mind, what is a guy supposed to write them?

Why would you want to write them ?.. because of their picture ?

If they can't write a profile that allows men to easily converse with them they it's their loss... IMO

March 4, 2012

Many women, when they write their profiles, don't make it easy for a guy to email them. As in, they will post generic pictures of themselves-- a few pictures of them hanging out with friends, one of their dog, and that's about it. And then they will write text full of adjectives and cliches, e.g., "I'm loyal, hardworking, and I like to laugh." So the only thing that stands out really is their looks. So with this in mind, what is a guy supposed to write them?

Tell her that you're interested in getting to know her, and then ask her questions about herself that show that you're sincere in your desire to get to know her and are also aimed at finding out for yourself if she is someone you'd personally be interested in. If I were a man, I'd ask such things as:

What do you like to do in your time off?

What do you do for a living? Do you like it?

Do you enjoy traveling? Where's the last place you went?

I have a dog too, a 5lb chihuahua. Maybe we could take our dogs to the dog park to have a play date sometime.

Etc., etc.

March 4, 2012

Tell her that you're interested in getting to know her, and then ask her questions about herself that show that you're sincere in your desire to get to know her and are also aimed at finding out for yourself if she is someone you'd personally be interested in. If I were a man, I'd ask such things as:

What do you like to do in your time off?

What do you do for a living? Do you like it?

Do you enjoy traveling? Where's the last place you went?

I have a dog too, a 5lb chihuahua. Maybe we could take our dogs to the dog park to have a play date sometime.

Etc., etc.

Hmm. Very good stuff. Thanks Star Gazer!

March 4, 2012

adjectives and cliches, e.g., "... I like to laugh."

Sheer stupidity. I have yet to meet anyone who hates to laugh. Unless, of course, it is one of those toothless people.

March 4, 2012

I feel irritated to get this kind of communication. I get that everyone has a right to pursue happiness, but I wish these women would think about what they have to offer me before they bother to wink or write. It's like when you are selling something of value and someone makes you a lowball offer.

Hmm, I certainly understand the sentiment. When I did OLD, there are a LOT of men who did not meet my criteria, even the two clearly listed ones in my profile (in the age-range listed under the OKC list and in my immediate location---not in a suburb of my city or a few states away, but literally in the city I live in), which I think were listed extremely nicely. I just put a tiny note in the last, "Contact me if," type part that noted I was firm on the age range listed and not interested in anyone outside of (my city), including anyone who lived more than 30 minutes from the particular area, where I lived.

The other laundry list I always left out, to avoid feeling negative, but obviously if anyone was a creeper or something, I didn't respond. I did respond to all well-meaning messages that were in my area and age range, but it was often, "No thanks." No rebuttal response---if they wrote me back with any arguments or further questions, they were blocked. The end.

To this end, I put a paragraph that nicely says that I am not interested to these women: "I'm not compatible with someone who already has kids or whose status is "separated". Just trying to save whomever is reading this some time." I do feel more strongly about it than how I wrote it in my profile, but if I were to put it down as I really feel, I'd end up turning off women whom I would be interested in. (Many women, even those without kids, seem to take a hard-line stance of "no single moms" as a sign that the guy is angry, selfish or that he doesn't want kids of his own. Or at least that is my take as to what is happening. When I did word the above more strongly, I seemed to get fewer emails returned.

If you DO want kids and DON'T want someone who already has kids, that is going to turn some people off, sure. I would re-write it as, "While I like kids, I'm not ready for them in my life at this time so I'm not interested in dating anyone with kids." This was never an issue for me---even though I was not interested in dating single Dads and my profile said "Likes kids" (I do, even though I have since decided with hubby we don't want any), it was only a few single dads who ever messaged me, and I just told them individually that I wasn't interested in dating dads. If it really IS a TON of women, then putting a message there sounds fine, as long as you talk more in depth about the kinds of women you DO want to talk to.

March 5, 2012

Posting a bikini picture on a online dating profile? Really? That undoubtly screams attention whore to a lot of productle. Umm, I wonder if she's looking for replies from guys that have picture of themselves wearing speedos. Sorry, sounds a little too vain. Based on her numbering format, the rest of her profile probably reads like a princess's wish list.

You know what's funny? She actually said in her bulleted list, "Please have your shirt on in your picture."

I'm thinking she's thinking the female form is more appetizing to look at than a man's?

To this end, I put a paragraph that nicely says that I am not interested to these women: "I'm not compatible with someone who already has kids or whose status is "separated".

How would this compare to women stating, "Do not email me if you're bald, I want a full head of hair on my man!"

Saw another that stated, "Do not email me if you have a mustache or goatee, I like clean shaven men" and finally, "Do not email me if you're under 6 feet tall"

Not on the 6 feet tall criteria, I've noticed some women stating in their profile "Don't send me an email, trying to get me to change my mind about this, I know what I want and I won't settle!"

There are some of the "No not email me if..." lists that seem reasonable, but some of them have been from some women that had not much to bring the table themselves. I saw one woman, had "full time mom" as a profession, 3 kids, divorced, and demanded rather superficial preferences in a man.

She already had strikes against her, and she's demanding certain men to contact her? Quite unreal.

Edited March 5, 2012 by irc333

March 5, 2012

I should put in MY profile, "Do email me if you have bulleted 'do not email me if' lists that are longer than my own grocery list!"

I just put a tiny note in the last, "Contact me if," type part that noted I was firm on the age range listed and not interested in anyone outside of (my city), including anyone who lived more than 30 minutes from the particular area, where I lived.

Wow, only 30 mins ? Pretty much limiting yourself, I'm assuming you live in a concentrated city? I have to drive AT LEAST 30 mins to meet someone to date, at LEAST. I live in a chain of suburban towns/cities/townships appx an out outside of the city.

I consider myself lucky if I can find a woman in one of these city chains though, that

1. Don't weigh the size of a dump truck

2. Have a G.E.D.

3. Hasn't had 2 kids by the age of 25.

Usually any educated woman that's somewhat attractive (to me), had just moved into my area, and were never long time residents, who realized themselves, that after a time of living here, that they had to resort to OLD.

If you DO want kids and DON'T want someone who already has kids, that is going to turn some people off, sure. I would re-write it as, "While I like kids, I'm not ready for them in my life at this time so I'm not interested in dating anyone with kids." This was never an issue for me---even though I was not interested in dating single Dads and my profile said "Likes kids" (I do, even though I have since decided with hubby we don't want any), it was only a few single dads who ever messaged me, and I just told them individually that I wasn't interested in dating dads. If it really IS a TON of women, then putting a message there sounds fine, as long as you talk more in depth about the kinds of women you DO want to talk to.

I'm open to dating women with kids, only because around my age, I'll never find a single lady over 40 without children. It's not gonna happen, they do exist, but any woman over 40 that's never been married and has no kids, usually had been too picky. I actually consider it a bonus if I do meet a woman with no kids.

I usually date women with kids if they have kids old enough to fend for themselves when mom goes out on a date. The microwave is a great invention. lol

Edited March 5, 2012 by irc333

March 5, 2012

Have you thought of the possibility that it is a fake profile.. maybe a student doing a paper on OLD on the type of men that hit on a certain type of woman ??

OLD is filled with such..

Why spend or rather waste a single second on a profile that isn't your fit ? it seems desperate

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OLD - focusing too much on what you don't want

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