dreamingoftigers Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 In Alberta, you have to remain separated for a year before you can file for divorce. It has been a year since my h and I have lived properly together under the same roof. Granted, he's been here off and on but we haven't stayed in the same room in the same bed until recently. Right now there are do many things going on in dealing with bringing our daughter home, that I feel very, very torn. My main focus now is to bring her home. We both miss her very much. I actually feel rather uncomfortable in sharing what has happened regarding my daughter due to the level of shame and embarrassment I feel about it. However, if it does help someone down the road in any way, I think that that is worth it. This is a very difficult thing for me to post about and I would ask that people try not to be super-judgmental about it. I love my little girl more than anything. I have never been negligent or abusive towards her in any way. That is not why she is in foster care right now. I received the news that she is being fast-tracked home last week, but that will still mean a fair amount of time away. I think that right now is not the appropriate time to file. I am not sure what I am asking by starting this thread. Maybe it's just an update. I used to post my heart on here, and it helped somewhat.
denise_xo Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 Oh DOT. I don't have any advice, I just wanted to send you lots of strength and hugs I hope you'll be reunited with your lovely daughter soon. Good luck .
jaymz Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 Daughter first Dump dead weight second Seriously, big hugs, hope it works out and you get your daughter back very, very soon!
anne1707 Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 Oh DoT ((((hugs)))) Your girl will be home soon. Anything else after that is just not important.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 4, 2012 Author Posted March 4, 2012 I feel pretty lost in the whole thing. Yes I know it is about my daughter and not about me. Here were the terms that needed to be done: Me: Attend a 14 week course on domestic violence. (because I bit my h when I caught him that time at the wireless, that wasn't reported. Then when we got into an argument a couple months later he bit me and it drew blood THAT got reported. Then in Sept, I came home to him intoxicated and he trashed the place (unprovoked). The police refused to remove him because it was "our" property and therefore he could destroy his stuff as much as he wanted. He ended up freaking out outside and the neighbors came out and got into it with him. Then he got upset and called the police. (lol, sorry it cracks me up a bit that he actually called the police on himself!) he was so loaded that he said he "wasn't wrong" in his disagreement. They came and arrested him overnight for public intoxication.). Those were the only instances of violence in our seven year relationship. They were all during the confines of his addictions relapse, when I find that we have been the most volatile. I DO NOT feel that my safety is at risk, nor my daughter's at this point or think that these types of things will happen in the future. 2. I also had to go for a Mental Health Evaluation. The results came back today, despite the fact that seven years ago I fit the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder, I no longer satisfy that criteria or any other personality disorder. The EMDR worked! As did the reading and improving my coping skills. The part that is kind of surprising is that I don't even have a depression/anxiety issue after all that I have been through in the last year! I actually think that everything sharpened my coping skills to an ultra-high level. Most people don't deal with this level of crud at this age. Or they don't have the resources available to pull through. 3. Parenting Assessment: had one session, have to do 14 more hours, starting next week. 4. Therapeutic Attachment Program: the assessor decided to buy my parent's story that my daughter lived there for more then 80% of the last year ( such bull****! Omg!). So she claimed that h and I were detached from our child. Due to his addictive issues, he was restricted from seeing her for three months until he could complete treatment and have a full risk assessment done. Anyways: the observers came in for two sessions and said that the therapeutic attachment was not a fit for us AT ALL. We both did incredibly with our daughter and naturally ( no kidding here) hit all of the points that they watch for. Way above average in our dealings with her tantrums etc. Excellent attachment and interaction, plus she loved being with both of us. This term was supposed to be a two month program, but they dropped it entirely. ----------------------------------------- His terms: 1. Be alcohol free and attend relapse prevention. Be prepared to go for random urine tests. 2. Complete a risk assessment 3. Therapeutic attachment (see above) 4. Domestic Violence communication course. 5. Parenting Assessment So he has been alcohol etc. free for over three months now. I think since mid-October. He completed a risk assessment. One thing that has really made a huge difference is the communication course. He isn't agitated when I share a feeling anymore. He empathizes really well. We are also attending MC but I think that there may be just too much damage. I mean, c'mon, we lost our kid over this crap! It's so hard dammit! Another thing that makes this messy is that this didn't happen because of our garbage per se. My father fired an employee and she said some very vicious, disgusting things about both my parents and my h and I to Social Services. My father was ordered out of his home and into residential treatment which he was able to get amended to daytime only because he fought it legally. My parents remortgaged the house to pay the legal fees. At first my parents were given the impression that only my home was under investigation and they thought it was all due to my h. Later they found out that their home was the primary target. They tried to cover for me claiming that they had primary care of my daughter. This actually turned out to be a major part of why she was taken instead. The assessor looked at my old mental health record and claimed I had too many issues to be a fit parent. Most people who have their children actually seized are usually so unfit that they don't do the work within 6 months. The norm is about a year. I was only handed actual terms about a month ago. (my last caseworker was impossible to get ANYTHING from, I did all the legwork myself). All of our terms should be completed before month 5. One of my dirty little secrets is that I am glad the state stepped in and forced my husband to get help or lose Lah. Because otherwise he made it very well known that he would have heavily fought me for custody and used my old mental health record as a defense. His attitude has done a 180. He has been very remorseful and is making very big efforts to improve himself (including going back to school) and contribute (including paying me back owed monies). He is now communicating with me much better and doesn't treat me like I'm his mother and he is some kind of wayward teen. I am not sure if I should watch and wait or just keep my mind made up and pushing forward. This has been so heavy for a very long time. Ultimately I want what is best for my daughter as well. Ugh. Even this thread is kind of weighing me down. As well, my parents are trying to fight me for custody. Oh for **** sakes. They won't win. They just had a supervision order themselves. It expired because my sister turned 18.
Downtown Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 Dreaming, thanks so much for giving us an update (the one-year milestone!) and for sharing your ordeal with H and family services. It sounds like you are being prudent on delaying the filing, given that keeping your D home is the first priority. It is wonderful that you have accomplished so much in EMDR. I wish you the best.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 Oh my God, this is a terrible story. I'm sorry. Truly. I agree that this is not the right time to file. I'm pretty sure that it will be important to present the most stable front possible to get your daughter home. On the other hand - if he missteps in ANY way in the crucial areas, it will probably be best for you to file asap. Even if you're beyond reproach in the eyes of the authorities, he can mess up her return home all by himself. Am I correct in believing that you still have a vestige of hope for this relationship?
tojaz Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 DOT, from what you have been able to post, I would say that there has been a lot of changes here in a short time, and as I read, I would have to side with Chaucer that it reads with a glimmer of hope that the relationship can find its way again. If I remember right, your in Canada and I'm not very familiar with the laws there, but I would imagine that now that the time limit is up, its up and it won't have to be repeated. So my advice would be to keep that option in your pocket. Time is the only way to see if these recent changes can be lasting ones, or if the damage can be repaired, if that is what you want. TOJAZ
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 Oh DOT. I don't have any advice, I just wanted to send you lots of strength and hugs I hope you'll be reunited with your lovely daughter soon. Good luck . Thanx I hope so too. She's wonderful.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 Daughter first Dump dead weight second Seriously, big hugs, hope it works out and you get your daughter back very, very soon! I hope so too. It looks like they will return her to me first and then see about what kind of access/living arrangements my husband should have. Meeting is on Thursday.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 Oh DoT ((((hugs)))) Your girl will be home soon. Anything else after that is just not important. Thanx I miss her so much She cries when our visits end.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 Dreaming, thanks so much for giving us an update (the one-year milestone!) and for sharing your ordeal with H and family services. It sounds like you are being prudent on delaying the filing, given that keeping your D home is the first priority. It is wonderful that you have accomplished so much in EMDR. I wish you the best. Thank you very much. I know that having BPD carries a stigma but I had no idea that they could use such an old record as a reason to seize. My husband was not living with us at the time of the seizure. However, his items were still here and the assessor says we were not honest about our marital status, even though we both absolutely were! It angers me that because I actually went for help 7 years ago that that is being used against me. The assessor had the nerve to say to me that if things got overwhelming at least now u know where to turn. Yeah, right: absolutely nowhere! Even phoning a call center could result in the police showing up at my door if the person on the other end suspects that I may harm myself, which hasn't been an issue FOR SEVEN YEARS!
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 Oh my God, this is a terrible story. I'm sorry. Truly. I agree that this is not the right time to file. I'm pretty sure that it will be important to present the most stable front possible to get your daughter home. On the other hand - if he missteps in ANY way in the crucial areas, it will probably be best for you to file asap. Even if you're beyond reproach in the eyes of the authorities, he can mess up her return home all by himself. Am I correct in believing that you still have a vestige of hope for this relationship? The first three paragraphs underline my line if thinking exactly. As for the relationship, I am do oversubscribed, I cannot even process much thinking about it. I kid you not. Right now I kind of view us as allies trying to get our daughter out of foster-care. (they wouldn't even let her have kinship at her day babysitters place, do she hasn't seen her best friend in months! I am so angry about that!) You see, my line of thinking leads right to my daughter. It's like the elephant in the rooms getting ignored because we are too busy trying to slay the dragon. Hopefully the elephant will just sit there and STFU for awhile. My husband and I have always worked well together with a common goal or common enemy, it's the aftermath and all of his issues and the damage that has been done that make my mind feel polluted with "what ifs." I fought for long for this marriage and family that I almost wonder if it is less of a goal and more of a compulsion.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 DOT, from what you have been able to post, I would say that there has been a lot of changes here in a short time, and as I read, I would have to side with Chaucer that it reads with a glimmer of hope that the relationship can find its way again. If I remember right, your in Canada and I'm not very familiar with the laws there, but I would imagine that now that the time limit is up, its up and it won't have to be repeated. So my advice would be to keep that option in your pocket. Time is the only way to see if these recent changes can be lasting ones, or if the damage can be repaired, if that is what you want. TOJAZ Yes, agreed, time. More time. As I watch my twenties slip away, I look back and see my youth on a funeral pyre and realize that even more if an investment is needed to see what might be held in this treachery called a "marriage." The only time I still wonder if I am crazy if when I think about the marital stuff. On a side note, being assessed as mentally healthy etc. Was like being released from my childhood prison. I know I can function and that the taint of my parent's issues need not devour the rest of my life. I see both of them for what they are now: very ill. My mother even had the nerve to take credit for my mental health stating it my have been due to "good parenting." I resent that. The environment I grew up in was so traumatizing that I ended up with a BPD diagnosis. My perception before and after EMDR was like night and day. I no longer carry around their shaming, abusive voices in my head, or wake up to nightmares of my father. My mother tried. But she did not truly parent. My father's "technique" does not deserve to be analyzed.
marqueemoon4 Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 All I can say is best of luck and {{{HUGS}}}!!!
skywriter Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 He has been very remorseful and is making very big efforts to improve himself (including going back to school) and contribute (including paying me back owed monies). He is now communicating with me much better and doesn't treat me like I'm his mother and he is some kind of wayward teen. I am not sure if I should watch and wait or just keep my mind made up and pushing forward. This has been so heavy for a very long time. Ultimately I want what is best for my daughter as well. DOT, you sound so very level headed! I am glad for you and your daughter that your husband is doing better. In the end, I'm sure that's all you truly want for your daughter is to have the best of him. Regardless of what transpires between yourself and your H. I think this experience with forever change who you. You will be a survivor and a strong loving mother.
worldgonewrong Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 I wish I had advice to offer, DOT, but I can merely offer support & love to you. You've had a stressful run of things, so I hope things get better. ((((hugs))))
Yasuandio Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Oh my God, this is a terrible story. I'm sorry. Truly. I agree that this is not the right time to file. I'm pretty sure that it will be important to present the most stable front possible to get your daughter home. On the other hand - if he missteps in ANY way in the crucial areas, it will probably be best for you to file asap. Even if you're beyond reproach in the eyes of the authorities, he can mess up her return home all by himself. Am I correct in believing that you still have a vestige of hope for this relationship? I'm with this poster. Change nothing till your little angel is home. However, I would have all the ducks in a row for your divorce, so no additional research or aggravation is needed if the time comes. And one false move from Mr. Husband, no talk, service, period. You really have no other choice with his past history, which, obviously can and has repeated itself before. I pray the recent events have scared him straight. Would that be wonderful? But don't count on it. Canada seems to have plenty of time to go above and beyond the call of duty on suspected matters of child abuse or endangerment. Now that she is in the system, I would be always looking over my shoulder, a skinned knee, a fall off the merry-go-round, a rash. I recall my neighbor (Lebonese) caring for her three children, naturally with no help. She also kept a perfect home. The little boy did a lot of crying and screaming to get attention. It was enough to give one a serious migraine, and certainly did give her many. Once in awhile, it was too much, and she raised her voice - and then immediately panicked. She called me a few times to come over because she was afraid neighbors might think she was abusing the boy, when of course she was not. What I thought he needed was a good spanking, but you can't do that anymore. And her older daughter was getting a fresh mouth, and screaming her damands as well. All this noise pollution caused the baby to cry, and my friend to panic and fear she may get in trouble. I brought a tape recorder over, and fresh mouth shut up. But the boy wouldn't stop the screaming until he got what he wanted. I guess she had him trained. They didn't do this in front of their dad. My friend had to start taking quite a large number of painkillers for those headaches. It is terrible how stuff could get misinterpreted. DOT, I suppose you know, there will be no second chance for husband to screw up. My prayers are with you and your sweet girl. Yas
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 All I can say is best of luck and {{{HUGS}}}!!! I wish I had advice to offer, DOT, but I can merely offer support & love to you. You've had a stressful run of things, so I hope things get better. ((((hugs)))) Thanks guys, I hope that I am not getting a bunch of support hugs on this thread because people just think I am a hopeless ****-up though. Sometimes I've been on threads thinking, "holy ****, this dumbass has no clue, I'll just give them a (hug). But it's REALLY RARE. DOT, you sound so very level headed! I am glad for you and your daughter that your husband is doing better. In the end, I'm sure that's all you truly want for your daughter is to have the best of him. Regardless of what transpires between yourself and your H. I think this experience with forever change who you. You will be a survivor and a strong loving mother. Thank you very much. I hope so. Today I attended a career seminar for women in the RCMP. I am going to go for it. I only hope that this series of incidences with my daughter and my past as a panhandler won't effect it. I think that I do have a lot of assets that I could bring to the force. The one challenge that awaits me is bigger then Family Services: it is my eating and weight habits. I know with a goal in mind that I will succeed. I have at the other things that I have put my all into. [/b I'm with this poster. Change nothing till your little angel is home. However, I would have all the ducks in a row for your divorce, so no additional research or aggravation is needed if the time comes. And one false move from Mr. Husband, no talk, service, period. You really have no other choice with his past history, which, obviously can and has repeated itself before. I pray the recent events have scared him straight. Would that be wonderful? But don't count on it. Canada seems to have plenty of time to go above and beyond the call of duty on suspected matters of child abuse or endangerment. Now that she is in the system, I would be always looking over my shoulder, a skinned knee, a fall off the merry-go-round, a rash. I really wonder where the Hell they were for my childhood. They didn't even do a damn thing when my father tried to strangle me and I left for a week. However, with my sister: when she was twelve Family Services came by over a bruise on her leg. My mother took a washcloth a wiped it away! Keep on figting the good fight! I will. Thank you.
Steen719 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Well, I don't know the laws in Canada, but it would make sense that if they considered your home to be stable, you will be in a better position. I did wonder, though, do they consider him to be stable, considering his behavior..calling the police on himself, etc. I guess that would be your dilemma; whether you alone or you two together would be better for getting your daughter back. I guess, though, I would agree with Yas that you probably should not change anything until your daughter is home. That has to be so very hard for you. I also think, from reading many of the posts on this site, you give a lot of heartfelt and thoughtful advice, so you are getting hugs for all you do for others. Think of it that way!
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 Well, I don't know the laws in Canada, but it would make sense that if they considered your home to be stable, you will be in a better position. I did wonder, though, do they consider him to be stable, considering his behavior..calling the police on himself, etc. I guess that would be your dilemma; whether you alone or you two together would be better for getting your daughter back. I guess, though, I would agree with Yas that you probably should not change anything until your daughter is home. That has to be so very hard for you. I also think, from reading many of the posts on this site, you give a lot of heartfelt and thoughtful advice, so you are getting hugs for all you do for others. Think of it that way! He's been presenting stable since his quit drinking/sexually addictive activities. More like the way we were when we got married. Less moody, more outgoing (except for the part about not wanting to be seen by anyone he used to know, which I understand but he gets kind of militant about it). Just overall better. I really need to see a lot more though, but one step at a time. I got frustrated over an old issue tonight so I actually went into the other room. It just hits at weird moments. The rest of the evening was fine. We visit our daughter tomorrow morning. On the bright side some positive shifts are happening: my friend who has been staying with me is moving at the end if the month. With her she will be taking: her dog that pees on the floor and digs up my yard, her two screaming kids that she neglects because she's an alcoholic, her dirty dishes, her beer cans, her drug addled ex-brother in laws that I don't even want in my house, her psycho ex who keeps getting kicked out by me for coming over and starting fights with her in front of the kids, and her beer cans, her freaking 24/7 dubstep music on repeat, as well as her drama and her boyfriend who wasn't supposed to just move in here and mooch (but he's actually a nice guy). She can be a pretty fun person and good company but, damn, I am glad that that is wrapping up just in time for my daughter to be looking at home visits. I am thisclose to getting their who crappy social group gone
marqueemoon4 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 The hugz were because I know you've been through hell. You're a good person who deserves to be happy and doesn't need all this unnecessary drama.
Yasuandio Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Yes, it is good to disappear the party animals. They can only be a bad influence on your husband, and serve they, (as well as their leftovers), as unsuitable backdrop should a case worker drop by. Divorce filing is a real Catch 22. Perhaps part of your daughter's early release is due to husband's relationship he demonstrated with her (as, he is not all bad, as you say). Also, social services, if they indeed think this deeply, may consider that he stablizes your so-called mental dis-order of seven years ago (as stupid as that seems). They may even see that you are to a good influence on a good father figure which outweighs your mental issue of the past. Who knows. My point is, any of these arguments keep husband in the picture. That is why I was concerned about changing anything. For fear social services would see your husband's absence as a red flag, and try to pull this again. On the other hand, you must determine if this is the man for you, and perhaps losing the child made him wake up. It is about what you want and can tolerate. Then again, there is a high likelihood that his behavior will go off the charts again. You cannot be in that dance if it happens. He must just hang himself while you remain in control. Do you have a weekly medical appointment that will vet your sanity and sound mental health on a regular basis? Just some ideas to ponder. I know nothing about Canada. Have you considered relocating out of their system?
Author dreamingoftigers Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 The hugz were because I know you've been through hell. You're a good person who deserves to be happy and doesn't need all this unnecessary drama. TY and ((hugs)) back. I hope the light beyond the tunnel doesn't blind us both LOL. Yes, it is good to disappear the party animals. They can only be a bad influence on your husband, and serve they, (as well as their leftovers), as unsuitable backdrop should a case worker drop by. This is kind of funny actually. The caseworker: for sure. My husband being influenced by them: HIGHLY, HIGHLY unlikely. He can't stand any of them and refuses to socialize with them. We live in the basement of our bilevel split. I have loaned out the top two rooms to my "friend" and "roommate" plus her bf and two kids. My husband has crossed paths with her perhaps half a dozen times. And the bf only once. He uses the back gate to go in and out so as not to be seen by her ex brother in laws two doors down. They were the ones that popped out to thrash him the night he was drunk and screaming. I would bet that he would run away with Jenna Jameson before he parties with the W brothers. Divorce filing is a real Catch 22. Perhaps part of your daughter's early release is due to husband's relationship he demonstrated with her (as, he is not all bad, as you say). Also, social services, if they indeed think this deeply, may consider that he stablizes your so-called mental dis-order of seven years ago (as stupid as that seems). They may even see that you are to a good influence on a good father figure which outweighs your mental issue of the past. Who knows. My point is, any of these arguments keep husband in the picture. That is why I was concerned about changing anything. For fear social services would see your husband's absence as a red flag, and try to pull this again. On the other hand, you must determine if this is the man for you, and perhaps losing the child made him wake up. It is about what you want and can tolerate. Then again, there is a high likelihood that his behavior will go off the charts again. You cannot be in that dance if it happens. He must just hang himself while you remain in control. Do you have a weekly medical appointment that will vet your sanity and sound mental health on a regular basis? Just some ideas to ponder. I know nothing about Canada. Have you considered relocating out of their system? A few points here: 1. We just met with our caseworker today. She is saying the visits will be moved to the home (yay!) after she comes to see it on Tues. My roommate has been informed of this. They will clean up their part. 25 days until she moves and counting 2. My husband will probably have to move out for a time (no overnight visits for him) until he can show that he has remained clean AND our relationship has stabilized. (Social Services recommendation). 3. They are offering to potentially re-apply for a supervision order. If I don't admit that I agree with their assessment of our conditions, they will keep T in foster care until the trial. 4. I have had my mental health evaluation. I no longer "qualify" as having Borderline Personality Disorder. My husband does not serve as a stabilizing factor for me. You considered my posting a lot. Thank you.
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