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Posted

So my ex broke up with me a week ago and we have since remained in contact. The break up was hard and we talked for over 4 hours. He cried 3 times and I'd never seen him cry before. He said it was just him not wanting the responsibilities/lack of freedom of a relationship. We'd been dating since he starting university (we're at the same uni but I started a year before him) so he felt like he didn't know what it was like to be single at uni.

 

From the day after we broke up, he said he wasn't sure what he wanted and if we should try again. Two days after, I went to see him and we had a really positive chat and for the first time actually addressed the issues in the relationship (mainly lack of space, smothering, lack of communication). He said it had helped a lot, but he still wanted to see what things were like 'on this side of the fence'. He still had pictures of me up all over his walls, but he gave me most of my belongings to take home (mainly gym stuff).

So for the rest of the week, it was understood that although we were single, neither of us would see anyone else, and he was still deciding if he wanted us to try again. However, every time he says he needs some space and he'll be in touch with me, I go no contact and then he texts me first and we end up talking and being friendly. From what I understand, he hasn't been on a night out since we broke up, has been mostly staying in his room alone and hasn't kissed anyone etc.

 

However, my friends were getting annoyed at how he's been keeping me waiting for an answer and going from being distant to texting me first etc, so I called him tonight and asked if we could sit and talk and discuss things properly- i.e. our options to move forward and what a fresh start would actually need to be like. I know the changes I'd have to make, like seeing him less, giving him more freedom and generally relaxing and I am more than happy to. In fact I felt a little smothered by our old relationship myself. To my surprise he agreed to meet, as soon as tomorrow, for coffee.

 

There isn't a chance he's going to just say 'I've decided, it's over' is there? Surely he could say that over the phone?

I want to show him that things can be different but it's hard to be able to before he gives me a chance to do so. I know that we would need to start again very slowly and maybe he could do with some more time apart to see if 'the grass is greener' before we try again, though on the other hand I don't want to put my life on hold waiting for him to make his mind up.

 

I want to find out what kind of relationship he could be happy in (because he admitted he could be happy with me) and if it's something I could offer him, without putting on pressure to start again right away.

Any advice?

Posted

Right now, any sort of relationship with him will not work for you. Even a friendship.

 

He wants to go try new things, so let him. Give him his space.

 

You should go out and look on the other side of the fence too. Have fun, enjoy the single life for a bit.

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Posted
Right now, any sort of relationship with him will not work for you. Even a friendship.

 

He wants to go try new things, so let him. Give him his space.

 

You should go out and look on the other side of the fence too. Have fun, enjoy the single life for a bit.

 

Hi wilsonx, glad to have come to your attention.

 

How do you know this (bold) from what I've said??

I don't think that if we were to start going out again, say, tomorrow, things would be very good. However...there are 2 weeks of term at uni left and I would like to get back together before the end of term, because at home we have no problems whatsoever, it's at uni where problems crop up. I'm slightly concerned though that he's going to carry on saying "I don't know" until the holidays and he'll want to try again. Then we'd be fine for 5 weeks, come back to uni and have problems again.

 

Is this a bit like GIGS? He did have a pretty wild gap year before he started uni though and he's not showing any interest in getting close to other girls. So it's not so much he wants to see what's 'out there'...more like he wants to see what's it like not being responsible for how someone else is feeling. Surely he knows this now after a week...but then again we haven't yet gone a day without talking.

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Posted

Oh, by the way, I didn't meet him today. We're planning to meet Monday or Tuesday to talk. He still says he doesn't know what he wants and if we can be happy together, but it 'kinda' depends on what is said when we meet. I'm debating whether or not we should meet or leave it a while after he's gone a few days with NOTHING from me because at the moment we've been texting all the time when I haven't seen him. Though, if he's up for meeting to talk and see what we can do, that's got to be a good sign?

Posted

I can't speak for someone else, but what I think he means is that you need more time to work on you for a relationship of any kind to work. Meaning, it is going to take more than a couple weeks for your ex to really experience "this side of the fence" and more than a couple of weeks for you to figure out what you want/need to change. People need time to grow, and change. It isn't an overnight thing, and if he broke up with you, he needs to fully get past the break up and fully experience "this fence." If he doesn't experience it, he will wonder, and he will break up with you again, to experience it. Maybe even a week or two later. If you want a long term solution, you have to be patient, and focus on you, not him. He is out of your hands. I bet that what he will say at coffee is something along the lines of.. "I think we are better as friends for now, or I want to be friends, who knows what will happen in the future, blah blah blah."

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Posted
I can't speak for someone else, but what I think he means is that you need more time to work on you for a relationship of any kind to work. Meaning, it is going to take more than a couple weeks for your ex to really experience "this side of the fence" and more than a couple of weeks for you to figure out what you want/need to change. People need time to grow, and change. It isn't an overnight thing, and if he broke up with you, he needs to fully get past the break up and fully experience "this fence." If he doesn't experience it, he will wonder, and he will break up with you again, to experience it. Maybe even a week or two later. If you want a long term solution, you have to be patient, and focus on you, not him. He is out of your hands. I bet that what he will say at coffee is something along the lines of.. "I think we are better as friends for now, or I want to be friends, who knows what will happen in the future, blah blah blah."

 

Hmm I think you make some good points.

I wish he could just say "I need the rest of term" or "I need a month" or something, but he just says "I don't know". I don't think he'd say we should just be friends over coffee though. We've spoken every night since the break up (including a couple of times face to face) and he's had every opportunity to say he doesn't want to get back together but has just said "I don't know". I reckon it would be easy to say "I don't want to get back together, let's just be friends" over the phone to get me off his back if nothing else!

Posted

Well, you have more information than I do about your situation, and I hope you are right. He very well may not know, and may not be able to give you a timeline, because he doesn't know how long he needs himself. I wish you luck.

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Posted

I'm in three minds about what to do.

 

I could cut contact with him, give him his space and let him make his decision without any input, allowing no time restrictions. (Problem is he always texts me first when I leave him alone).

 

or

 

Keep speaking to him about random things, asking how he is and what he's up to (he always asks me too) but not get talking about a relationship. This would be comforting and easier for me but I'm worried he would also feel too comfortable and not miss me. We haven't gone a day without speaking yet.

 

or

 

Agree to meet on Monday or Tuesday and ask him directly how we could make this work, discuss the compromises we need to make and if we don't get anywhere, give up.

Posted

Hi Sakura,

 

I would first, like you said in your 3rd option, have a last meeting together and see how you can make this work. If he's wishy washy, cut your losses and move on. If he doesn't know what he wants NOW, what difference does it make that you keep contact with him or not ? It will prolong your pain and make you depressed.

 

Not to mention the build-up of low self esteem could start working on you. I had that with my ex-bf, I hit rock bottom because he just couldn't decide, until I snapped.

I decided for him, for us. It was time to let him go. He gave me all the signals he wanted to search who he was, what he wanted, etc...

 

It's not an ultimatum you're giving him, it's a self-preservation tactic.

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Posted

So I'm actually meeting with him tomorrow!

This is the advice I got from someone:

"You have to remain in control or you will scare him away. Don't be tearful or the opposite, i.e. bolshie. Just say you are missing him but you don't want to be putting pressure on him.

The main thing is to make it clear that you like him a lot but that you understand that he sometimes feels pressured by things. Tell him it's not your intention to do that. You might add that you understand that he needs 'space' and tell him you'd rather have the opportunity to continue seeing him than lose him, even if it means that there will be some days and nights when you don't see each other.

 

Tell him you want to enjoy being with him and that you won't make unreasonable demands. But do it in a mature and detached way. Don't come over as the simpering girl begging him to stay with you. Then see what he says."

 

Any thoughts??

Posted (edited)

You are to emotional to be thinking this relationship rationally. A week is nothing. Take some time off. If you both truly love each other, time does not matter. Feelings don't just disappear overnight. Don't call everynight, stand up for yourself and your beliefs. You want someone who will respect you and who will value you. You don't want someone who keeps you as an option. What kind of loving relationship is that anyways?

 

You don't need to show him that you care, that you love him, that you miss him. He already knows, because he's got the power over you. Heck he doesn't even know if he wants to be with you. I've been in his position in a 6 years relationship. Until she decided to fully move on and do things on her own, I didn't know what she meant to me.

 

My advice would be to take some time off for the both of you. Show him that you can stand for yourself.

 

If you want to go ahead and see him I would recommend to be at your best. Happy, standing straight, keep things light and casual, be yourself, but be your best self. Don't act desperate, don't act needy. Stay calm. These are two attraction killers. He still have feelings for you, but for sure he does not value you.

 

Happiness is found within. You cannot be happy because you are with someone. You can be happy together. Happy couples are the one where both the partners are happy with themselves, it is an imperative condition to be able to give proper love. Focus on you, if you work on yourself he will have no reasons not to be with you. But you will need a lot more time.

 

Good luck.

Edited by dev781
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Posted
You are to emotional to be thinking this relationship rationally. A week is nothing. Take some time off. If you both truly love each other, time does not matter. Feelings don't just disappear overnight. Don't call everynight, stand up for yourself and your beliefs. You want someone who will respect you and who will value you. You don't want someone who keeps you as an option. What kind of loving relationship is that anyways?

 

You don't need to show him that you care, that you love him, that you miss him. He already knows, because he's got the power over you. Heck he doesn't even know if he wants to be with you. I've been in his position in a 6 years relationship. Until she decided to fully move on and do things on her own, I didn't know what she meant to me.

 

My advice would be to take some time off for the both of you. Show him that you can stand for yourself.

 

If you want to go ahead and see him I would recommend to be at your best. Happy, standing straight, keep things light and casual, be yourself, but be your best self. Don't act desperate, don't act needy. Stay calm. These are two attraction killers. He still have feelings for you, but for sure he does not value you.

 

Happiness is found within. You cannot be happy because you are with someone. You can be happy together. Happy couples are the one where both the partners are happy with themselves, it is an imperative condition to be able to give proper love. Focus on you, if you work on yourself he will have no reasons not to be with you. But you will need a lot more time.

 

Good luck.

 

I think the problem is, every day that goes by I feel like I'm losing him even more and losing hope of us getting back together. The more time he spends away from me (and around other potential girls), the easier he's going to find it and the happier he's going to be. And all the special things we had between us (injokes and that kind of thing) have already gone from our communication together...I don't want to lose anything else...we were so close.

Posted (edited)
I think the problem is, every day that goes by I feel like I'm losing him even more and losing hope of us getting back together. The more time he spends away from me (and around other potential girls), the easier he's going to find it and the happier he's going to be. And all the special things we had between us (injokes and that kind of thing) have already gone from our communication together...I don't want to lose anything else...we were so close.

 

Why would you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you anyways? How sane is that? You can't force feelings on someone. You can't hold on to a relationship, it will break. You have to be open, if he wants to be with you he will be.

 

Time is not your enemy. If you love him unconditionally, it doesn't matter what he does, all you should care about is his happiness. Yes he will cross the fence. Does not mean he won't be back. It will be up to you to decide if you want him or not.

Edited by dev781
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