goohoo Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Question is exactly as stated.. Is it truly possible to confidently "fall in love" with a best friend shortly after a breakup? Or, is this really based on that persons insecurities, relationship history and/or reasons for breaking up? Consider this. You're with your SO for whatever period of time. You fall in love. You break up. You're best friend meanwhile is consoling you the entire time. You begin to develop feelings for your best friend. Would It be safe to say these feelings are because of the security and emotional support this friend is giving you because you haven't had the adequate amount of time to truly heal and clear your mind to make better judgement? Speaking from a standpoint of someone who is very secure with himself, I think my logic is reasonable. However, how do some of you feel (and you can admit if you do suffer from insecurity issues) feel about this? I just personally believe that making such a decision is being based solely off of your emotional vulnerabilities, and your friend is more or less exploiting them and intensifying the happy and comfortable feelings toward him/her for possibly their own benefit. Opinions?
ThatDudeXO Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Yes. My recent breakup has led me to love and appreciate my closest friends so much more. If one of those friends were a female and they showed me the level of care, love and affection I am missing from my ex, I would find it incredibly easy to fall in love with that person. It's more so to do with vulnerablitiy and the emotional void that your ex left, which your bestfriend fills.
Author goohoo Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 But do you believe that love would be real? Or just an illusion to free your mind from the pain.. Albeit only temporarily until the smoke clears?
ThatDudeXO Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 But do you believe that love would be real? Or just an illusion to free your mind from the pain.. Albeit only temporarily until the smoke clears? I think the answer is the same as to whether love is real with a 'rebound.' It can be an illusion until the smoke clears but I'm sure in some situations you might have realised your best friend should have been your partner in the first place.
Author goohoo Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 (edited) So, what do you personally believe would be the most viable outcome of such a situation? And do you yourself have any issues with insecurity that might lead to making such a judgement? Let me also add in this.. What if in the past you had no romantic attraction to this person, but suddenly, considering the circumstances, that opinion changed? Edited March 3, 2012 by goohoo
Philosoraptor Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 I'd say you are trying to escape the pain. Do nothing with these feelings until you can truly say you have healed from the past. If they still exist then you can follow them at that point. But odds show that jumping into something right away normally fails and will only hurt you and your friend.
strength-abounds Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 "I'd say you are trying to escape the pain. Do nothing with these feelings until you can truly say you have healed from the past. If they still exist then you can follow them at that point. But odds show that jumping into something right away normally fails and will only hurt you and your friend." I agree with Philosoraptor. You are trying to cover up your pain with the thought of a new love. This is normally referred to as REBOUNDING. Wait a period of time before acting on these feelings. Make sure what you are feeling is true and not created out of the hope of a new love. You don't want to jeopardize the friendship.
flitzanu Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 or your girl left you and is now dating HER best friend and you're trying to find a way to justify in your mind that it's stupid and isn't going to work?
radiodarcy Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 i'm sure it is. but it certainly wouldn't be good for the friendship to explore that route. a guy i considered a friend used me a as a rebound from a relationship. and guess what - - we're not friends anymore. my own friends have been incredibly supportive in my break up but i would never exploit that friendship by trying to get more out of it. not that i have to worry about that becoming an issue - - most of my friends are straight women and gay men. 1
Trimmer Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 To the OP: are you just bringing this up as a topic for general discussion, or is something happening in your own life? If that's it, then you aren't going to get very good advice by asking for generalizations about an indistinct scenario. It seems to me you are honing in on something more specific: First you ask "is it possible", and then when you get a Yes answer, you ask "But is it real", and then when you get comments about rebounding, etc. you ask "What would be the most viable outcome?" It won't help you to talk like it's an indistinct, theoretical third-party. Tell us what's going on in your life, so we can get to the point you are trying to get to.
Author goohoo Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 (edited) It's definitely a reality. My ex gf of one year is in this situation right now. Im not specifically asking if it will work or not, I'm asking if it's possible and for some possible experiences from any of you and how they turned out. A little more specific about my situation.. My ex and I are on very good terms. I broke it off with her because I had kind of a case of GIGS. It wasn't for someone else, it was the thought that I wanted to experience life alone right now (I'm 27 and have been in relationships since about 19). After three months, I discovered it wasn't what I wanted, and wanted to reconcile with my ex. In the meantime, she had moved out of my place and in with a male friend of hers whom she's known for a few years. He already had a crush on her and she ultimately began taking a liking to him. So when I tried to reconcile, this guy was basically already stealing her away. And this is why I ask if things like this are truly possible, if they are relatively successful, or is it simply a rebound? Likewise, I can admit that my ex does have slight insecurity issues, so this may have alot to do with what's going on. EDIT: When I talked to my ex, I asked her if living with this guy had any influence on her starting to fall for him, and her response was, "Probably." This is essentially why I'm blaming it all more on convenience and insecurity rather than genuinely taking a liking to a close friend, but I could be wrong. Edited March 7, 2012 by goohoo
flitzanu Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 It's definitely a reality. My ex gf of one year is in this situation right now. Im not specifically asking if it will work or not, I'm asking if it's possible and for some possible experiences from any of you and how they turned out. A little more specific about my situation.. My ex and I are on very good terms. I broke it off with her because I had kind of a case of GIGS. It wasn't for someone else, it was the thought that I wanted to experience life alone right now (I'm 27 and have been in relationships since about 19). After three months, I discovered it wasn't what I wanted, and wanted to reconcile with my ex. In the meantime, she had moved out of my place and in with a male friend of hers whom she's known for a few years. He already had a crush on her and she ultimately began taking a liking to him. So when I tried to reconcile, this guy was basically already stealing her away. And this is why I ask if things like this are truly possible, if they are relatively successful, or is it simply a rebound? Likewise, I can admit that my ex does have slight insecurity issues, so this may have alot to do with what's going on. EDIT: When I talked to my ex, I asked her if living with this guy had any influence on her starting to fall for him, and her response was, "Probably." This is essentially why I'm blaming it all more on convenience and insecurity rather than genuinely taking a liking to a close friend, but I could be wrong. why would she want to get back with you after you dumped her 3 months ago and forced her to move out? you kind of uprooted her life, so i'm supposing she isn't too keen on diving back in with you, only for you to do it again. again, that's perspective. just an idea of what the situation looks like in black n white terms.
Author goohoo Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 I did not force her to move. I told her to stay as long as she needs to until she got herself to a point where shed be able to support herself. Obviously though, that didn't last long, as living with an ex is a really tough situation to begin with. Likewise, our breakup wasn't anything sour at all. It was basically her telling me she feels as if I wanted something else, wanted to do things on my own. At the time, I was feeling exactly this. I didn't want to let her go, but I didn't want her to constantly be doubting my thoughts either. Even though it did crush her, she was very respectful of it all and told me to let her know when I was ready..* That was November. Fast forward to now and like I said, the single life just isn't what I truly expected. So, I tried reconciling. However, by this time, the guy she is rooming with (the same guy who consoled her the entire time she was going through this all and has been a friend of her for a few years) is stealing her away and she ultimately made the decision to give him a shot. There are just a ton of factors that I wish I could fit into one post, but I'm trying to essentially find people's opinions as to whether this is just a clouded judgement on her end because he's been there the whole time for her. And considering I know she has a few insecurity issues and has kind of the need to be around people and be loved, that this may indeed be a rebound.* I don't know.. This entire situation is just sickening. I mean, I want her to be happy. And obviously I'd rather that be with me. But the way I look at it is, if things don't work out with this guy, she's going to have to move out regardless, and she's probably going to lose a friend in the process. So is it really worth taking chances like this with friends in the first place?
rAFC Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 (edited) Yes, it is possible to fall for a friend, after a breakup or any time. No one can say whether their relationship will last or not, only time will tell. Dating a friend is a risk though, because if things don't work out in the relationship then the friendship will most likely end as well. I know you want some reassurance that this is just a fling and won't last long, but no one can give you that. Take it as a lesson learned: be careful before you end a relationship because you might not be able to get it back! BTW: I dated a long time friend (almost 20 years of friendship) and when the relationship ended after 2 years (her choice), so did our friendship (my choice). It is a sad loss, but it was worth the risk in my opinion. Edited March 9, 2012 by rAFC
KissingItBetter Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 It is possible, but I think it's just usually a case of channeling your sadness to the closest person beside you. And that's just all it is. It's not really a true feeling, but sometimes it works. Kissingitbetter | Facebook
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