Tele Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 This title might insinuate I'm getting lead on but listen to my story first: I'm a senior in high school. Yes I know I'm young and I'm well aware that age will come into play in this thread. As it stands I am head-over-heels for this girl who has had an alleged crush on me for two years. This appears to have every sign of an easy, loving, beneficial relationship. It's practically a Taylor swift song for crying out loud. I had been dating a crazy ex and she had been wishing I was with her instead. When I broke up with my ex it was BAD and I didn't really talk to anyone for a few months. Then I started feeling a little better and got to talking again, specifically to one of my friends whom I've always thought was very beautiful but never really had feelings for. It was great. I started to get to know her and realized she was so much different than what had I thought... And very slowly began to let myself love again. The entire time she was so happy and told her friends (only her close ones) about how we were talking etc. I now look at her so differently. I love her. I don't know how I've become like this but I love her more than anyone I've ever been with before. It's scary. I can't see myself ending it like I always could with my exes. I have never felt this way before in my life. It shouldn't be an issue right? She's crazy about me....right? Well... As soon as we started to get closer I realized she had a problem showing affection. I mean the slightest hug was difficult for her to manage. She also for the most part acted indifferent toward me when we were together and I felt very.. Unappreciated. I didn't say anything hoping she would get better over time. It didn't. So I told her. I asked why she acted so strange and told her that it bothered me because I cared so much. She then told me everything. How she was afraid to get close to anyone because they've always just hurt her or left her (her dad died when she was 11) how she really cared and gave me a whole jar of little scraps of paper all with things she loved about me. She told me that she cuts herself but stopped for 14 months once after overhearing me say cutting was stupid. I felt altogether loved and valued. But the problem hasn't stopped. She's afraid of affection or telling me how she feels about me. She always acts like we're just friends unless we're on the phone. I still haven't kissed her because I just don't think shes ready for that type of thing. I don't know what to do. I love her do much and it makes me sad to look at her and see how beautiful and amazing she is and know I can't be loving affectionate and cheesy with her. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. I apologize for the length of this post. I wanted to get all the info out on the table.
Author Tele Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 That crossed my mind. She has a few things about her that point toward it. (she wears more boy-like clothing that doesn't show off her beautiful body, she acts odd when I'm affectionate the cutting etc.) but we've had some deep meaningful heart to heart conversations about things that were very hard for her to talk about and it's never ever even been alluded to. I guess it's possible but I don't think it's very likely.
snug.bunny Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 It's good you brought up that when she's not affectionate, it bothers you because you care a lot about her and want to be close to her. She entrusted you to share what happened to her in her past (i.e. her dad dying at a young age and the cutting), so that in itself is a good sign. I'm not sure where your relationship stands, you didn't really specify aside from her having a "crush" on you for two years and you never really had feelings towards her, until now. So, it sounds like you were a bit slow coming out of the gate, whereas she wasn't, but now it's the opposite? She told me that she cuts herself but stopped for 14 months once after overhearing me say cutting was stupid. I felt altogether loved and valued. Eesh. You know I read about this more and more, with people self-harming. That could have been over misplaced anger, whereas she released her anger by cutting herself and inflicting pain. It could also have been a way for her to exert control, by directing it internally (and/or a way for her to escape from thinking about whatever it is that troubles her). You said she stopped 14 months ago, which is great! Hopefully she won't resort back to cutting herself, because if she were too, it could cause a lot of strife and no one would be qualified enough to help her through it except for a licensed physician.
Author Tele Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 It's good you brought up that when she's not affectionate, it bothers you because you care a lot about her and want to be close to her. She entrusted you to share what happened to her in her past (i.e. her dad dying at a young age and the cutting), so that in itself is a good sign. I'm not sure where your relationship stands, you didn't really specify aside from her having a "crush" on you for two years and you never really had feelings towards her, until now. So, it sounds like you were a bit slow coming out of the gate, whereas she wasn't, but now it's the opposite? Eesh. You know I read about this more and more, with people self-harming. That could have been over misplaced anger, whereas she released her anger by cutting herself and inflicting pain. It could also have been a way for her to exert control, by directing it internally (and/or a way for her to escape from thinking about whatever it is that troubles her). You said she stopped 14 months ago, which is great! Hopefully she won't resort back to cutting herself, because if she were too, it could cause a lot of strife and no one would be qualified enough to help her through it except for a licensed physician. Well that's another problem, she has on and off but I made her give me all her razors and she told me she was willing and wanted to stop. I wrote a five page letter to her telling her how much she meant to me and giving her things to do when she felt like cutting but even her reaction to that was... Mild.. I'm worried she was in love with idea of me and not actually me. We are not technically dating but both of us fully intend to. We already basically are except for this issue that holds me back.
snug.bunny Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Well that's another problem, she has on and off but I made her give me all her razors and she told me she was willing and wanted to stop. I wrote a five page letter to her telling her how much she meant to me and giving her things to do when she felt like cutting but even her reaction to that was... Mild.. I'm worried she was in love with idea of me and not actually me. We are not technically dating but both of us fully intend to. We already basically are except for this issue that holds me back. Awe, how sweet of you to write her that letter. I'm not sure what to suggest with regard to her being in love with the idea of you versus loving you as a person, except that crushes are usually based on the idea of someone they haven't actually dated, but rather have admired from a far and it is one-sided. So, given that she had a crush on you for two years before anything happened romantically between the two of you, then perhaps it was the idea of you, versus you as a person. I don't blame you for holding back with regard to the cutting, it may work out better for you down the road if that is resolved, first.
Author Tele Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 The big problem here now is I love her so much and want so desperately to be close to her and I feel like I'm looking at her though a 8 inch glass wall. I'm really not sure what to do.
Author Tele Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 I'm actually thinking about possibly being a stronger figure in our relationship. Instead of being the hopeless romantic.. I might be the romantic who makes things happen.
Author Tele Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 Give it time my man. And if that's all I gotta do then hooray! But it looks a little dark when you're so far from the end of the tunnel.
snug.bunny Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 The big problem here now is I love her so much and want so desperately to be close to her and I feel like I'm looking at her though a 8 inch glass wall. I'm really not sure what to do. Well just try to give it some time and go day by day, hopefully the cutting will remain a thing of the past, and if/when you do decide to date she'll grow closer to you and vice versa and the love and affection will be there.
Author Tele Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 Well just try to give it some time and go day by day, hopefully the cutting will remain a thing of the past, and if/when you do decide to date she'll grow closer to you and vice versa and the love and affection will be there. I'm actually considering kissing her as soon as this clears up and making her let go of her inhibitions. It might help.
snug.bunny Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I'm actually considering kissing her as soon as this clears up and making her let go of her inhibitions. It might help. That's a good consideration....it's a 50/50 shot (or it could be 60/40, or even better, but you won't know until you try). I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
Author Tele Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 That's a good consideration....it's a 50/50 shot (or it could be 60/40, or even better, but you won't know until you try). I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. I'll post what goes down. Don't worry haha.
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