eri_lynn Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Long story short, I caught my husband of almost 8 years cheating on me three weeks ago (feels like three months, though). It had been going on about two months or less. We definitly had issues in our marriage, but not so bad as he now claims. He claims theses issues drove him to cheat, that my issues (and indirectly, me) were to blame for the affair. He too has issues, but they have taken a back seat to blowing mine up to huge proportions. It has now become so screwy that we aren't even talking about the affair, it's all about me and what I did/didn't do in our marriage. My immediate thought upon finding them was divorce. He broke it off with her the day after I found out. A few days later, we moved on to seeing if There was some way we could stay together. We have been to marriage counseling three times; he has his first IC appointment next week. I am still trying to find an IC that's a good fit. Last Sunday, he went to stay with family, claiming he was numb, that he needed distance to see if he even wanted to be together, if he felt anything at all for me. So we separated, I guess. At our last session, he said he hadn't missed me. Of course he hasn't; he's going out to happy hour, hanging with his family, spending no time alone. I on the other hand am left in our home with everything the same, except a lot of hurt and a missing husband. Thankfully we have no kids. I feel like he is intentionally prolonging my agony by stringing me along. He said he pretty much didn't care anymore by the time he started the affair, and that he wasn't being careful about it because somewhere deep down he wanted to get caught. My friends and their husbands all say he took the cowardly way out, having an affair to bring things to a head, rather than just saying he was leaving. I, on the other hand, have been trying hard to make this work. Trying so hard that now I feel like he is playing mind games with me, using communication (or lack thereof) to control the situation, and that he is just waiting for me to get fed up and say we are done so he isn't a bad guy twice over. The question I keep asking myself is, why am I essentially chasing him, the cheater? How can I possibly feel this way? I feel cheap for wanting to work on our relationship, for essentially shoving the affair under the rug while we work on our other issues, and allowing him to beat me down in order to make himself feel better. And I'm not like this! I'm strong, I'm independent, I'm not a doormat! I deserve better than I'm getting. I don't want to be 41 and divorced, but I also don't want to be with someone who does not love or respect me, or want to be with me. I am just completely torn up with confusion about my feelings. Please tell me this gets better?
dreamingoftigers Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I've got one like this.... Took about 3 years and a ton of horrible self-induced consequences to dig his head out of his ass ( he prob wouldn't like me putting it that way at this time though). The ONLY thing that I found worked was reading a TON and 180ing on him. The 180 does often work, but it takes a bit of getting used to. I was pretty surprised when my husband wasn't instantly embarrassed and remorseful. I think part of it is trying to hide the shame and embarrassment of doing that and being caught. Holy blameshift, really! Here are some of the things I read to occupy my time and they helped a lot: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It The Seven Principles for Making Your Marriage Work The Five Love Languages Why Marriages Suceed and Fail The Relationship Cure The Divorce Remedy Wired for Love Hold Me Tight Spousonomics And a bunch of reading on Sexual Addiction and recovery for the wives (probably doesn't apply to you). Some brain science books and texts (prob doesn't apply, but ask if you are curious). As well as some personal development: Taming Your Outer Child The success principles And some Tony Robbins etc. I read some really crappy relationship books too, the above list I found to be the best. The 180 is the best one to try. My husband really started responding right away. But some bumps kept us going back and forth after a bit. I know it really shreds your self-esteem when your spouse first cheats, then acts all proud and happy and "whatever" about it. And then BLAMES YOU for it. The sad part is that they actually believe it! Until they grow up and have to figure it out for themselves. If he was so okay with it, he'd still be seeing her. He IS an idiot. But things can change. The 180 helps you recover your self-esteem and values too. It unwraps you from the BS and leaves them without you to pin things on. Best of luck. I know it is very lonely. So many hours and days ticked by in my home. I spent a lot of time on LS.
Author eri_lynn Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 Thanks for that, and for the great reading list. I'm already doing a ton of reading (After the Affair is also a good one) and Seven Principles will arrive from Amazon on Monday. Also a lot of self-directed books to work on me and my issues, because come what may I want to use this experience to learn and grow. Already have, but it's a painful way to have to go about it. A good friend suggested the 180 this morning, to recover my dignity and self respect so i can look int the mirror every morning and function. But Because I am so torn up right now, I don't even know if I want his attention again! I fear if he is going about blaming me for this, if I don't "fix" every little thing he finds fault with, we will just be here again 1 or 2 or 5 years from now. But that's where the confusion comes in, because I really do miss him, miss us. So I'm conflicted to say the least. My mind changes every day I am very lucky to have very supportive friends and family, but I am so thankful for this place, where people with similar issues can weigh in, where I can see that people do make it through this. (I found LS the weekend I discovered the affair, and then later when I learned about "hysterical bonding"—yeah, it happened to me, and adds to the cheap feeling.)
dreamingoftigers Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 Yeah, the hysterical bonding will do that....and it's like ten times worse when they don't want the marriage after. Just makes you feel icky and kinda used. Just remember that it's the primitive part of you that took over during that. The primitive part of you will be driving your survival for approx the next two years or so with the grief and all, you may as well acquaint yourself. Sorry.... It's a long haul. What you do find however is that your moods and and ambivalence will shift with the wind. It won't be comfortable for awhile because the changes are internal as well as external. You kinda float somewhere in between. One day you are as solid as a rock, the next you are weeping in a closet. Prepare for it. You get past it, and when you do, you feel great and solid within yourself. The 180 gives you something to focus on and let's the chips fall where they may. If you become your best self and he's still bitching and slumming, you'll grow past him. If you become your best self, you may not want him, if you become your best self, he may take notice and hurry back before the party is over. One thing to remember is that YOU have a lot more power over the circumstance than you realize. It doesn't feel that way. Especially with the shifting moods and all, but with something to focus on that is healthy and productive, you have the edge against his crap. He's floating too. Adulterers and addicts are the same in one respect: they don't realize that they borrow from the good feelings that they could have in the future to get their "high" feelings. He may feel very high and mighty now surrounded by family, fresh out of an affair and with his wife wanting him still. Ego high. That will diminish, quickly. As soon as the excitement of a "new life" in a stupid apartment begins, it gets old. I find men take longer to come to the realization, and usually longer then it takes us to get over them. My guess is 6 months considering he has the maturity of a gnat. Mine took 3 months living in the back of his car. (we are low-income).
Yasuandio Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 Yes, EL, DOT is totally spot on. Hang tight on the 180's. It is not easy. I'm into my fourth year of separation. Clearly, I see no good outcome, just a protracted divorce, and likely an upcoming trial. After a 27 yr. Marriage, no matter the bad things in the marriage, it feels like an amputation. I wish I knew about these resources early on. And even now, I can do so well for so long, and then, miserably backslide. It just happened. Recently. I am so ashamed of myself. I got aggravated with late pays on support checks, and I saved us from a ding on the mortgage (again) as he ignored my calls warning him what would happen if he did not address the calls from the collector. It's almost as if he is paying things as late as possible to unnerve me, because the calls come to the landline here in my home. Then he refuses to pick up my call. I went almost six months NC until this payment issue began. Last night, I got wound up, and left to many VM again, apologizing for the calls the night before regarding yet another issue about Internet changes on a credit card to a non existent email address. Naturally, I get concerned about identity theft when I see this crap. That night, I was just reeling, and he would not pick up my call. So I have to quit this. I have not done this telephone crap in two years. I suspect it is fear creeping in of the unknown. Perhaps an upcoming trial that his lawyer has threatened us with. The fear of losing my home. I think what through me off was seeing him folloing me again. For some reason, that signifies hope to me - but that is an erroneous conclusion, I have finially learned. And any speculation about husband's behavior is purly "mindreading," as I have wasted an enormous amour of time there. The Divorce Busting theory has to be only about you. It has taken me long time to figure that out. They have a very supportive on-line community, a huge libraries of threads and resources. You can post your story there in "Newcomers" and receive direction. I telling you that long story so you can identy where your weak points are - and stay viligent from the beginning. Even if you make a mistake, you can always start over. I have to accept that my husband is no longer in my life and proceed accordingly with getting a life of my own. Read other's threads too. As you will begin to see patterns. Of course, this too, Loveshack, is a great source of comfort too. Good Luck, EL Dot, I so want your take. I have been very troubled most recently. As I know your surely have too. Can I PM you? Yas
Author eri_lynn Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 We are getting divorced. It's a relief actually, to know. At least now I can move on and start to work through this, and know that every day it will get better, even if just a teeeeeny bit. I have a feeling I'll be spending a decent amount of time on here. Now, if I could just make myself eat again.... Thanks for all the good insight!
CC12 Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 We are getting divorced. Agh, that sucks. Sorry to hear that. You really seem to have a good head on your shoulders so I'm sure you'll do well. Now go eat several cheeseburgers!
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