Should I stay or go

[hisnumberone123]

As I write this I am ashamed of the person I have become. I have been cheated on numerous times and know that feeling of hurt when I found out about the lies. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8years, we have a wonderful daughter. Due to financial reasons we have lived about 150miles apart so we can both pursue our careers and goals and eventually I plan on moving where he is to live in our home. In the midst of being apart he has been alone and took it upon himself to fill that void with another woman. She knew our situation and decided it was okay with her and began a long term relationship with him. I found out a few months after it began by getting an anonymous text message telling me he was cheating and gave me all the woman’s information – when I confronted him he denied it of course and said people were jealous that I am a beautiful woman and we make our long distance relationship work. Maybe if he gave me a better reason I would have been persuaded but it was very lame and I called the number I was given in the text for this woman and she of course denied it and said he was like a little brother to her (she was 12yrs older then him). I could not find any hard evidence so I let it go. Another year went by and I went to visit him I found some weird earrings in my home when I confronted him again he got very angry and started yelling and getting very defensive. Later that evening he finally admitted he had a short affair with this woman but it was nothing. Due to his lying track record I called her again and this time she was more open to tell me everything! She said they broke up but she was very in love with him, they dated for 2years and she gave him an ultimatum to leave me or break up with her – he “picked” me. She stated their relationship was very wild, they fought a lot, did drugs together and got into psychical fights (stuff he never did with him). I was so hurt and devastated that he came “clean” but was still lying and that he built this relationship with another woman and someone he wouldn’t even chose over me but he risked losing me for. After I found out all the details I left him, he begged and pleaded for me to be with him, he didn’t want me and our daughter to leave him. He enlisted help from everyone in his family to help his case. His cousin who is a male that I was not fond of because I was aware of his own extramarital affairs contacted me. I guess I was in a state of mind where I was willing to talk to anyone who would hear my sad story. He listened and of course gave the advice to make it work and that my boyfriend loved me dearly. From that conversation we began to speak frequently and started to share personal stories and gave one another advice. Our relationship turned into a friendship and after a few months he was like my best friend that no one knew about. We would never see one another alone only at family functions but as time passed and I got to know him more and more and feelings started to form. He expressed them first but began to be aggressive with them and asking to see me. I rejected it because I was trying to make it work with my boyfriend but I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if him and I did see one another. Talk of family, friends and work lead to sex talk and very imitate things. He confessed a year after we began our friendship that he saw naked pictures of me on my boyfriends phone and was amazed how beautiful I was. At this point I was still having a long distance relationship and was longing for attention. As we got closer the more he started to put down my boyfriend and insinuating that he was cheating again but never really saying it and my pride wouldn’t let me ask. Finally two years after we began this emotional affair he asked to see me as his birthday present. I agreed and when I arrived to meet him I was shocked how handsome he looked I instantly wanted to hug him, kiss him it was so crazy how attracted I was! We went out and somehow we both agreed to get a hotel room (we were not drunk). We checked in and my heart was pounding it was a bitter sweet feeling – the man I have become attracted to that knows my whole life is here with me – but on the other hand I am cheating on my boyfriend and with his cousin! The night of course had sex but at one point I stopped and could not go through with it. He understood and we cuddled until the next morning and then we went our separate ways. It was a holiday weekend so my boyfriend had our daughter and I was driving up to our house to meet them. I felt so guilty but so good at the same time. When I arrived at my house my family was there and I started to feel like a horrible person. That afternoon his cousin called him and invited us over for a BBQ. I thought it was some sick joke! But it was real – he wife knew I was in town and wanted our kids to hang out (they have 2 girls). I went but the entire time wanted to vomit – maybe it was the tequila I was downing to erase the bad feelings but it was not a good night. I would catch him looking at me and he would catch me doing the same. Was this some bad karma I was experiencing? Why am I even in this situation?! One night on the phone he told me my boyfriend was cheating with a woman at his job – I thought he was saying it to make me not feel so guilty but I asked my boyfriend and he confessed he did have sex with a woman! Right then and there I was done! I could not take the cheating and lies, I broke up with him and choked up my one night of cheating as nothing compared to him (wrong I know). Ugh weeks went by and I started seeing his cousin frequently (my daughter went away for the summer). I would go see him or him see me or we would meet half way. It felt so good – we even went away for the weekend and it was amazing. After 5months of the back and forth I missed my period and realized I was pregnant - this fling went to a whole other level now. I had fought all these months with the guilt – guilt that I was lying to my daughter’s father, guilt that he was a married man and just guilt for myself that I was allowing this to happen. But with all that I sort of wanted the baby – how sick is that? But knowing the situation I knew I had to have an abortion and he was supportive either way. But after being pregnant with his baby my feelings were pure love, I would think about us being together and making it work. Of course that wasn’t an option but it was a sweet thought. Almost a year has gone by and we speak a few times every day, we see each other a lot and even go on mini vacations. He made me feel like no other man, since we were friends first we had an open communication, we could say anything. Our sex life was amazing also because we had two years of built up talk about what we like/dislike, want to try and what makes us happy. But I am at that point of reviewing this relationship and if it is poison to me. I love this man, I feel he loves me, we have an awesome time together, we don’t make promises we can’t keep and we support one another BUT he isn’t mine! I can call/text basically when I want but he isn’t mine. He has asked me to move up there and he will pay for me to live BUT he will still be with her. He has some future political plans that most are telling him that he should stay married for. He openly talks about how he doesn’t want to stayed married and she jokes that getting pregnant kept him. So I don’t get it – why not leave her? Why waste time? He says his career and kids but I am over that! I am not asking him to leave and announce I am his true love but at least move out, live separate and see if that is what he really wants! He isn’t hearing that and I am starting to feel like the nagging girlfriend and feel us drifting. Should I stay or go?

[standtall]

Welcome to other woman land. Read the rest of the stories here. I agree with the op, he aint leaving. Sorry.