Fighting for what anymore??

[kdt428]

Never thought I would be in this situation, but after reading about people on here I don't feel so alone anymore.

 

A quick history, my wife and I were married in 2007 and we had our beautiful son in 2008. As of September 24, 2011 my wife moved out saying that she wanted a trial separation. Needless to say that I was floored and did everything that your not supposed to do to try and get her to stay. I felt that I was a good husband and father, never cheated on her, nor even had the thought of looking at another woman, just me and the way I see things. I admit that I did things that were not great and I'm not proud of, but I can also understand her wanting a break for her to see if I can make the changes that needed to be made.

 

I never abused my wife in any way, called her names or try to belittle her. I would drive 200 to 300 miles a day for my job, come home and do the dishes, cook dinner, get laundry going plus anything else that needed to be done outside. Nope not a live in bitch, I just like to stay busy and try and make her life as easy as I could since her happiness was all that I wanted. I would get on ebay and get things for our son but wouldn't tell her about it, until after it was done, no that wasn't the right thing to do but since I figured it was for our boy it was ok. So then she felt I had lied to her. Then there were times that I would come home and she would be takign a nap with our son until 6pm, which to me is a little late to be napping, so I would get home and dishes weren't done when she had all day of doing nothing but going and seeing her family and friends. Not that it bothered me that she went and visited people which I was accused of not letting her do...I was more let down because I could have used the help with the house. I confronted her about once and asked her how come she couldn't help out a little bit, her reply was that she works and does alot of cleaning there at her job and she doesn't feel like coming home and cleaning. My response was, this is our home and we both are responsible for making it a nice place to come home to.

 

So then I wanted to take our son and go up to colorado and visit my sister the first weekend in august of 2011. I asked her if it was alright that we went and she said that it was up to me, so I asked her again to make sure and she said that it was up to me, but that she wanted to keep our son here. I said ok and then left on my journey. Needless to say that when I got back I would be told that since I did leave and take the trip she felt that I didn't care about my family and that that was the straw that broke the camels back. I spent the rest of the month trying to talk and work things out which I thought we could but I guess by then it was too late. I came home from work the first week in september and saw on the desk a piece of paper with Rent, Utilities, etc... with amounts written down and so I asked her what this was and she said that she was moving out. I come from a family who has never delt with separations before...if your married you work things out, she on the other hand comes from a big family that has seen several separations...her mom from her step dad for 6 months, her brother from his wife 3 times...once for 2 months...once for 7 months and so it is quite the norm.

 

So now as we approach the 6 month mark of being separated, it gets harder and harder having to take our son from house to house. No one should ever have to live this way. There are times that she would give me a hug when I dropped him off, but that has quit. I was stupid and did alot of texting the first 4 months but I saw it as trying to keep and fight for my family, she looked at it as me pushing her away. I have asked several questions, does she love me or not, does she want our marriage to make it or not, does she want to see someone else or not, can we at least try some kind of therapy or what ever to help us...and I would have been happy with one answer...but to this day she won't respond to anything. She hasn't filed for divorce and hasn't told me it's over but that's just it, she hasn't said anything except I did aske her once about what she wanted...not what I wanted, not what relatives wanted but her...she said that she was kinda happy with the way things are right now...needless to say that was a big blow.

 

I apologize for this being soo long, but it has been building up for 6 months now, I gets depressing seeing her not wear her wedding ring as I still wear mine, but she has lost alot of weight and to me doesn't look healthy, just my opinion. So here I am wondering to myself I'm fighting for what anymore?? I still love her with all my heart, have been faithful this whole entire time, and still holding on to hope that she would come back. Don't know what to do anymore. I have been good with no contact for this last month but still nothing has changed.

 

I know I look and sound like a fool being taken advantage of, but I'm a fighter and feel since I do love my wife that she is worth the wait. But how long should one go through this. Thanks for reading if your still awake...lol.

[fmrmarine]

She has you in purgatory, bro. I would tell her that you decided this situation wasn't working for you anymore, as it is pretty clear by your comments, it's not. Tell her it appears this separation is becoming permanent and you intend to move on with your life. Then do it. Start making a new life. Get her wondering how she fits into it.

[kdt428]

Thanks for the reply devil dog, semper fi. Of course after going through all of this crap, if she is cheating on me would probably crush me. About a couple of weeks ago I had driven by her place, not as a stalker but we do live in a small town about the size of mayberry with andy taylor as the sherrif...lol, so it's kinda hard to avoid or not see anything. But I did see a truck parked out in front of her house and just let it go at that. Then I ended up seeing it again around 10pm another night but the suburban that I'm paying on and don't even drive was gone. So I did confront her about it, bascially asked who was he, and I hope that he was worth it. Got no response except for her telling me that she doesn't have to tell me anything if she goes out or who she goes out with. I later thought about it that night and figured, we are not single and we are not divorced, she says that we are still married as do I but the way she's acting does not much resemble a wife who gives a damn. Before she left and I was trying to fight for our marriage and for our son, I asked her why she was doing this and that it wasn't fair for our son to have to go through with this and grow up in separate houses...her response to me was short and simple...he will get used to it. Granted what I did was wrong but never did I put our son or my wife in a position to where they didn't matter, and as I see it, when she left, she brought our son into the mix. I know this is only my side of the story, and I'm sure she has her's.

[kdt428]

My next question would be, if it was over, and she didn't love me or not want to have anything to do with me...why not end it, why not file for divorce and get it overwith. She wants me to be honest with her and so I have been, but I guess she feels like it's a one way street and doesn't have to do the same. Even after all of this, I still can't bring myself to cut her down, call her names or make scenes, just not my nature...but I do have a big heart that got ripped out when she told me that she was glad that she wasn't pregnant again after going through 2 miscarriages because then she would have felt trapped. How could someone that you loved and thought loved you tell you something like that.

[kdt428]

I have spoken to a lawyer and talked about divorce proceedings, felt sick to my stomach actually thinking about it. Whats strange is that my folks have told me that after this long she's not coming back, and her mom tells me not to give up on her and to be patient. Granted there are times that I tend to get a little impatient sometimes, but I'm not one that see's a problem and just let's it hang there, or if there is something going on, let's get to the bottom of it and move on. I am a talker and like to figure things out, but to me it just seems like it's a game to her. I know and feel more and more that she really doesn't care about me or want to work things out, but it is really hard to let go. I mean if you really love someone or say you did or do, how can you turn around and treat them like this. Honestly putting her aside as my wife, I just don't get why people in general would do or say things that they know will hurt the other person.

[kdt428]

It seems that I'm willing to put up with alot...lol, as far as it driving me crazy, to be honest I can't tell what's real or not anymore. This just seems like a bad nightmare that is ongoing that I just can't wake up from. At times I think she is testing me, seeing if I actually do love her then I will wait as long as it takes. Or in her words, how will she know that if I come back that I won't go and do the same stupid stuff I had done in the past. I had mentioned to her, that Ya, I really like being separated and this has been such a wonderful experience that I would welcome to go back through it again...BS.

 

If she is cheating on me, there is nothing I can do about it, I know that I have and still remain honest and faithful and I can at least look at my son and tell him that daddy did everything he could to fight for us. Just the thought of her being with another man just makes me sick, even if they didn't have sex, even if she kissed him...I look at that no differen't than going all the way...it's just not right.

 

I just find it hard to think that being 40 which my wife is 32, that I could actually find someone else out there. Not putting myself down, just not alot of women looking for a guy who's 5'4, darn the little people curse...lmao. Who knows, I know it's going to take some time, but I also do know that I can't go on living like this, trying everyday and thinking everyday that she might want to come back. I am realizing that she's not going to, and that she is seeing if the grass is greener on the otherside, but if she is married, which we still are, what kind of woman would still say they are married and sleep or fool around with another guy, and for the som bitch that she is with, what would that tell him, if they did get serious, I would think he would be a dummy if he didn't think that she would do the same thing to him. Oh well, just more thoughts going through my head.

[kdt428]

I did end up going into therapy before she moved out to try and fix myself and to understand what was going on. I did tell my therapist everything that had gone on, the things I felt I did wrong and situations that I could have handled better as far as communicating with her. She asked me if my wife would be willing to come in and talk, just to hear her side of the story and what was going on, I mentioned that I would not answer or speak for her but I could ask. Therapist even said that if she doesn't want to come in maybe she could at least give me a call. So I got home and mentioned the the wife that the therapist would like to talk with her, to get her side and if she could do that it I would be greatful because it would be helping me out as far as letting the therapist help me better. Her response was no because she didn't feel comfortable talking with strangers. Really...if things are soo bad wouldn't you want to try and do everything you could to fix the problem.

 

So needless to say that she felt that I was trying to pressure her into going, but her mom did mention to me though that if I needed someone to go to therapy with me that she would be willing to go...lmao. That was a nice offer but I don't recall marrying her mother...lol. The saga continues...

[kdt428]

today is another day. Can't believe on the 24th of this month it will be 6 months of this hell. Mind is going all over the place, thinking and wondering about her seeing someone else really hasn't helped things at all. I feel angry, hurt, frustrated, confused on why she would even want to do something like that. Had a wonderful time with my son lastnight, I did end up seeing an attractive lady in the toy isle with her son, but that lasted a few seconds because the guilt of me just looking at another woman right now was overwhelming. Got choked up a bit because I felt I had done something wrong, even though my wife might be doing whatever or whoever...which I still have no solid proof, I felt as if I did what she's doing that would make me no better of a person, and I truly can't and won't compromise my standards or beliefs. I still remain honest and faithful since we are still legally married. Kinda screwed up I guess...lol

[kdt428]

Thanks for the kind words and support. I have thought about the investigater, but do I really want to find out or do I really want to know. I guess for me, if she is or isn't that is something that she's going to have to live with. I really don't wish her harm or wish her a horrible life, but at the same time too, like you mentioned, if it comes back and bites her then that will be her own doing. Funny thing is, I worked during the day and she at night. So when I got home from work I would see her for about 10 minutes and then she would be off. So when she got home around 11 or 12 at night, I would stay up and fix her something to eat while she got comfortable, then we would stay up til 2 or 3 in the morning talking or just hanging out, then I had to get up at 6 for my job. So in her eyes I was told I was smothering her, and to me it was just trying to spend time with her. The whole world could be spinning of it's axis and I pretty much got the blame for it. I guess right now, I'm so used to being beat down. I don't even remember what it was like to actually have fun and enjoy life. I love my son to death and it just kills me having to let him go when I have to give him up. When she shows up to pick him up, he starts kicking her and hitting her. I scolded him and told him to never hit mommy, she looked at me and said that that is his way of saying hi mommy, I missed you. I told her, well no...I would think giving you a hugs and kisses and saying hi mommy I missed you is more of a greeting. I told her that he has never gotton that from me since I never laid a hand on her period. But when I go to pick him up, he's busting out the door and jumps into my arms and says he's ready to go to daddy's house. Makes me feel good, but also makes me concerned that even though he's only 3, this has to be affecting him in some way.