How a simple article (and lack of sleep) can trigger all sorts of things: (A rant)

[Wolvesbaned]

This article by Psychology Today tore my heart out:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/htdocs/prod/ptoarticle/pto-20000101-000036.asp

 

Did the test and found we ranked amongst the "Fine Romance" category. The memories started gushing in. Maybe I've just had a rough day, just got done with my first exam and maybe the lack of sleep's getting to me.

 

My day:

It started out with an Al Green playing on the radio, one of "our songs" --haven't heard the lyrics in so long and it totally sucks hearing that when we're not together now. I tried getting it out of my head, I had a test to take afterall, I thought it was all a passing lapse until after I took the test, an old habit came over me. See no one finished the test, it wasn't all that hard, just long ... everytime I finish a test, especially a difficult one, I would immediately call him.

 

Now that article had me remember "us". Damn, how did this happen? Could it all be a misunderstanding? Has our bull-headedness finally gotten the best of us, literally? We were friggen dope before! How the hell did it ever turn out this way?

 

The crazy thing is, that even if by some miraculous faith came over him, and he realized how much I truly love his foolass, we can't just make nice and pretend nothing happened. We can't just move back in. In fact, (I should really stop myself now I know --but this lack of sleep has gotten to me) if we did try again, I would want us to be apart for awhile. Just knowing how we feel for each other is enough for me. In my mind, if you love someone -that's it --no amount of avoidance and distractions can waiver it. I'd want us to just date again, start at step one and get to know each other again. Hell, we have so many shared interests, we'd always enjoyed each others company.

 

The time apart can help us both. He can explore the world, I can get my stuff together and explore myself. Is that too much to ask for? Damn I don't want to pretend that we can rekindle anything. I just want him to realize that a love like ours can't be thrown away just like that! What's to be rekindled if it's still there? The love is there, just not the people. HA! Now I know I'm delirious!

[Wolvesbaned]

I think yesterday might have been the hardest day ever. I ended up just falling asleep on the couch looking out the window. Didn't even realize I was asleep for so long. LS is pretty much my outlet. I now live in a house full of people but we mostly chitchat and I hardly see them regardless. The only person I really chitchat with is my Mom's roommate, but I haven't confided in her, she's a great distraction and I appreciate our talks as is, "upbeat". She works nights and I now have early classes so we see each other less. My Mom on the other hand is no support whatsoever, in fact she can be quite the opposite. At first I tried turning to her, but it failed miserably almost every time.

 

My best friend is truly the only one, but she's out of state and has a family of her own and works long hours. She's actually less accessible now since she was kind enough to rackup her cell phone bills to call me at all hours during my hell month (January), until she finds a new plan, our talks are even more limited. She's the only that's been a "support". I have other friends but since they've never been married, I don't think they understand how hard this is --it's more a cordial thing.

 

It really hasn't been that bad at all. It's been good actually --just yesterday kicked my butt. Have to remind myself of this past weekend, just lounging, chitchattin with an uncle, grandma, hell even my Mom, it was nice. What better time to start exercising? Yeh that's it.

[genie]

I don't really know what to say except I feel I want to repeat what my ex told me last time we talked. "We had something very special that no one can take from us and no one will ever replace". It brought me a little peace but I feel if it were so special then we should be working on us, but you can't make someone stay if they don't want to.

[Wolvesbaned]

My therapist shed some light on this issue ... it actually made me realize something --that he probably doesn't have an real excuse as to why he just quit. If he did he would have told me and withheld the pitiful list of pettiness. I really need to focus on myself instead of a foolish man that gave up so easily on his family (so what if it only consisted of him, me, our pet, a small cactus and a pair of gnomes).

 

I need to get my grades up so I can focus on my life again and hopefully have a chance to continue my education. He aint calling me, he hasn't realized the crap he's made me go through, though I know he must be aching too. I just have to stop thinking about "us".