Starguise Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Hello, LS. I've been lurking here for a long time. I am a 25 year old wife, my husband is 31. We've been together for 6 years, married for 3 and have a 5 year old daughter together. When I was 22, I started an affair with someone that was a longtime friend from when I was 16. We lost contact, and eventually regained contact after I met my husband and had my daughter. It started off as simple chatting and over months, we became close friends again. It didn't seem romantic. He visited me and that was when he admitted his strong feelings for me and said he never let go of them. I was shocked. We ended up having an affair for a few years until last year. Husband and I separated for 6 months before moving back in together, which angered the OM. I decided after reconciling with husband that I didn't want to ever cheat on him again and have firmly stood by that. Shortly after we moved, I finally got a job and became wrapped up with it and my family and stopped talking to OM. OM eventually met another woman and OM called me one day to tell me and we decided mutually to completely cut contact. Recently, she began pretending to be him and contacted me through text, demanding money that I owed him. I agreed to pay him back and requested NC again. A few weeks later, she pretended to be him again and contacted me again. I asked if 'he' had received the first check, and said he did. Eventually, she revealed herself to me and said my marriage deserved to be destroyed after what I did to OM and that they were going to tell everyone what happened if I didn't pay back what I owed OM. For years I wanted to confess to husband, but never could... but, I didn't want to be blackmailed and decided once and for all it was time to confess to husband that I had been cheating on him and told him when it started and when it ended, but he has not asked any questions... I think he is numb right now, as he is threatening to go kill OM. I told him this morning before he went to work, as I could not wait any longer... I do not want to lose my husband, but I did not want to continue living a lie any longer. He has been very quiet and refused to look at me... At this point, I don't know what to do. A big part of me wants to pack my things up and leave to my parent's house... Every time I look at my husband I begin crying, I just don't know how I can live with hurting my husband. I want to reconcile, but I know that's not my decision alone. I am going to make all my passwords the same and give them to him, and let him look at my phone whenever he wants, but I know that is not enough... I don't know what to do from this point on... I know I want to be with my husband, but that is up to him if he wants to continue the relationship or divorce. Where do I go from here?
anne1707 Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 You give your H time. He is in tremendous pain right now and will be all over the place with his emotions. He needs to deal with that before he can really start with thinking about whether to reconcile or not. You need to be patient, understanding and completely honest. If he wants to know something, you tell him. If he wants your passwords, tell him. If there is going to be any chance, he needs to see that your actions show that you want to be with him. He needs to see that you are truly remorseful. As for the ex-OM and his gf - do whatever you can to block all means of contact. Do not initiate any contact, do not respond to any contact. And tell your H if they do try anything. 3
Lauriebell82 Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I agree with Anne. Your husband is going to need some time. Let him decide when he wants to talk to you. I know that will be hard but if you continue to apologize or pressure him to make a decision he will most likely just bolt. Also as Anne stated, do NOT respond to any emails or contact that OM (or his gf pretending to be him) initiates. Be done with him completly if you have any chance of reconciling with your husband. 1
Author Starguise Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 After my husband had left to work this morning, I left a voicemail to xOM not to call us any more and that H knows what happened and that H does not want to be contacted or people are going to get hurt. (H's words) I received a private call this morning and picked it up, only for it to be his gf saying "You made a bad choice.", I did not respond but simply hung up on her. At this point, I don't know what xOM and his gf are going to do, but they are set on finishing off my marriage before they are happy. I really don't know how to block her, as she has my home phone number and her number comes up as 'Private'. I have a feeling they are going to escalate this issue until they get what they want. It's becoming harassment now. I don't know how far she'll go before it ends.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Unfortunately you are in for the whole enchilada. Do not pressure your husband! Do not! (I am not saying that you are) Only 35% of marriages survive adultery. Anne's was one of them. She can take you through. Yes, totally block this guy and his manipulative "justice-delivering" gf. If you dont mind us asking, how much do you owe to OM? Is it a sizable sum that he can chase you for legally? And did you promise OM a future or something? Why is he mad?
dreamingoftigers Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I'd imagine that you would feel pretty full of anxiety and guilt. Try not to bolt because of it. As a spouse who has been cheated on, it hurts to have it done, lied about and then abandoned when you are in severe pain over the backlash. The affair was an escape to begin with, don't use it as an excuse to run away again. 1
KathyM Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Just don't pick up any calls that come up as private numbers. But do continue to pay back the guy the money that you owe him, or they could take you to court to get it back. If they continue to harrass you, you could file a restraining order against them to stop the harrassment. My sister had to do that when her husband's OW kept calling the house and trying to blackmail him. Or you could call the police and have them pay the woman and your OM a visit and warn them to stay away and stop contacting you. My sister also had to do that. The OW was trying to blackmail my brother-in-law, and extort money out of him. Calling the police did work to get her out of the picture. Neither you nor your husband should be threatening physical harm to them. You implied that possibility when you left that message. That was a no no. And do be prepared that they may spill the beans about the affair to anyone and everyone they can if they are determined to bring you down. Nothing you can really do about that. You can't prevent people from gossiping. That's the risk you take when engaging in this stuff. As far as what to do with your husband, he has to decide if he can forgive you, or if he can move on from this. All you can do is show remorse, admit how wrong you were to betray him, and pledge your desire to keep your family together. IF he sees how remorseful you are, and how much you want to keep your family together, then he might consider giving you another chance. If he does decide to give you another chance, then definately get marriage counseling to help you work through this and get your marriage on track and healthy. But don't expect your husband to get over this quickly. You have hurt him deeply, and it will take months or even years for him to start to trust you again, if he ever can. Some people never can regain the trust, once it has been broken.
Author Starguise Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 I owed OM less than $500. I had originally agreed to pay it back, before the harassment started. I have paid him $250 of it. I tried to contact my H to let him know of the phone call, but went straight to his voicemail. I left H a voicemail and a text, but have not been responded to... I know I shouldn't pressure my H and I don't want to, but I don't want him to feel that I am ignoring him.
Author Starguise Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 I do want to do the necessary work to work things through. I have a few people here telling me not to pressure my husband, and that's not what I want to do, but I intend to talk to him, answer any questions, be transparent, IC, MC if he agrees to it. I am only saying that since I just told him, I'm not expecting him to drop everything and say I'm forgiven or agree to reconcile. I know what I want, but I also feel that he is going to be numb from this for a long time before he reaches the pure anger stage. I won't be leaving the household unless he tells me to.
anne1707 Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 If he agrees to MC? Of course he needs to agree, but not only should you be BEGGING for marriage counseling, you should be on the phone making an appointment with a therapist for YOURSELF . . . yesterday! Appointment should already have been made. BE PROACTIVE. The fact that you are willing to sit back and do nothing unless asked, speaks volumes. But the husband needs chance to let things sink in a bit before MC commences. If he were to come home from work and find that the OP had made a MC appointment, it would be too much too soon. More time is needed. However I do agree that the OP would benefit from IC - I know I did and I think it also helped my H to see that I was taking positive action.
anne1707 Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I never said a MC appt should be made. I said IC. It should have been done without a discussion. SHOW him she means business. Sorry, yes my post implied that. I do thing that the OP needs to be careful though - "begging" for MC would be too much at this time. But the IC is a must.
anne1707 Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 While I don't mean to imply that she should get down on her knees today and book an appt for MC, she does need to reinforce the genuine desire to get joint help . . . not just once, but on a regular basis, throughout his recovery. Also, the OP seems like she has an avoidant personality. MC sooner, rather than later may be suitable for them. I agree - there is no chance for the marriage if the OP goes into this half-hearted. It must be 100% effort and commitment otherwise there is no point. If the H is to ever feel that there is a chance for recovery then that will only happen if he sees that along with real remorse. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I do want to do the necessary work to work things through. I have a few people here telling me not to pressure my husband, and that's not what I want to do, but I intend to talk to him, answer any questions, be transparent, IC, MC if he agrees to it. I am only saying that since I just told him, I'm not expecting him to drop everything and say I'm forgiven or agree to reconcile. I know what I want, but I also feel that he is going to be numb from this for a long time before he reaches the pure anger stage. I won't be leaving the household unless he tells me to. Kk, this is the right attitude. Get on the IC as well. That sum is pretty low for them to be bugging you. Jeez. Forget about it for now. They won't pursue. Put the money towards sone counseling and of course put it on the table. There is a VERY good chance that your h will rebuff you. Just roll with it for now and STAY OFF OF THE DEFENSIVE. if nothing else, stay off of the defensive. Be honest if he asks you details. Font offer a whole bunch up if he doesn't want to hear them. Either can be traumatic.
stopdropandroll Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 You need to make it very clear to your husband that the only reason you confessed to him was because of the OM's threat to expose you. It wasn't because you truly felt remorseful it was simply self interest. That demonstrates your true character. Let him marinate in that and decide what he wants to do.
In Like Flynn Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Don't pay your OM any more money you owe him!!! You have paid him back by allowing him to screw your brains out for two years. If anything he needs to repay your husband for the sexual use of his wife!!
KathyM Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Don't pay your OM any more money you owe him!!! You have paid him back by allowing him to screw your brains out for two years. If anything he needs to repay your husband for the sexual use of his wife!! The wife was a willing participant who used the OM to get off on as well. They both used each other.
Author Starguise Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 You wanted to see if it would work out with the other man? No. We separated due to infidelity on his part. While we were separated, I did not see OM. Relationship with OM ended months before H and I separated.
Author Starguise Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 If he cheated also, why didn't you mention that in your initial post? Any other person wouldn't leave out that piece of crucial information. Something smells fishy here..... Because I didn't initially think it was worth bringing up. The focus isn't on his infidelity, the focus is on my infidelity. We have worked through his infidelity and have moved forward from it. I don't want to use his infidelity as justification for my own, because both affairs have nothing to do with each other.
stopdropandroll Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Because I didn't initially think it was worth bringing up. The focus isn't on his infidelity, the focus is on my infidelity. We have worked through his infidelity and have moved forward from it. I don't want to use his infidelity as justification for my own, because both affairs have nothing to do with each other. The truth is you haven't worked through his infidelity because you never came clean about your own affair. Your motivations for working through his affair and the way you handled it would have been significantly different if you were not having an affair yourself. Give your head a shake lady.
ScienceGal Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I owed OM less than $500. I had originally agreed to pay it back, before the harassment started. I have paid him $250 of it. So what. I have a former roomate that owes me $1000, and I have it in writing. But, I don't care enough to go after it. And, things didn't end badly when she moved out.. so, I let it go. This is not a money issue, it's a control issue for him and his new woman. If he wants his $250, let him take you to court. My guess is, he won't. Because, it's not about the money, and that's a lot of time and energy to put into getting a high off the drama (real motivator here). Stop taking their calls and start focusing on repairing your marriage. Stop talking about OM. The sooner you wash your hands of it, the better.
SidLyon Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 $250 isn't a great deal of money to many people. My advice is not to pay it back at this stage but to have it handy just in case the OM does decide to take legal action for it. In which case pay it back when you get any sort of official communication about it (ie lawyer's letter or court documents). You can also pay it back at any time if you want just to remove this particular aspect from the bucketful of problems you have. If you do pay it back, make sure you get a receipt or written acknowledgment that you have discharged all your debts to the OM. Your main problem is the apparent threats from him and his gf as well as your own threat back. At this stage just leave them alone and focus on your H and marriage. If you receive any further communication from him or his gf then depending on where you are, you should probably follow up a restraining order. Where I am, this means the police, and you must have some sort of credible evidence, so keep copies of all texts, e-mails and voice messages. Document any personal interactions. What they are doing may also be blackmail or demanding money with menaces depending on where you live. Do not whatever you do issue any further threats yourself even if they did come from your H.
Author Starguise Posted March 4, 2012 Author Posted March 4, 2012 (edited) What they are doing may also be blackmail or demanding money with menaces depending on where you live. It was. The last time we spoke before I initiated NC, we mutually agreed that I would pay him back. I asked him to stay out of my life, he said he would as he and his girlfriend don't care enough to start anything. Then I suddenly get harassing messages from her telling me to pay her boyfriend back or she would be contacting my husband. That was when I said enough was enough, because although me and OM have a history, she has nothing to do with it and I will not allow anyone to blackmail me. I made it very clear the last time they anonymously called my home this morning that if they continued, I would hire an attorney under grounds for harassment, blackmail, potentially stalking and fraud. The phone calls ceased after that. I have called my provider to block their numbers, as well as unlisted numbers. Husband has since returned home. His mood seems neutral, he's been talking non-stop about his training at the gym. I think he's still numb. I am staying close to him and talking to him, but I'm not bringing up the OM. I think he will begin asking questions in a few days when it sinks in and I will answer any questions that arise. Edited March 4, 2012 by Starguise Didn't finish sentence.
anne1707 Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 Your H is in self-preservation mode talking about anything "safe" rather than what is really on his mind. Be patient and be as prepared as you can be. He is likely to exhibit a whole range of emotions from extreme vulnerability to extreme anger not just in the next few days but also the next few hours and the next few months. I also suggest you go back an read my story - you might find some similarities (I came here after my affair but my H had previously been unfaithful). Learn from my mistakes (plenty) and learn from when I got on the right path for recovery.
CC12 Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I made it very clear the last time they anonymously called my home You keep saying, "they." Did you hear OM's voice? Are you sure it's not just her doing this on her own? Maybe he doesn't even know what's going on.
Author Starguise Posted March 4, 2012 Author Posted March 4, 2012 You keep saying, "they." Did you hear OM's voice? Are you sure it's not just her doing this on her own? Maybe he doesn't even know what's going on. I wasn't sure he knew what was going on until I picked up the phone the final time and let her know her calls were being traced and sent to local law enforcement and if this continued I would file charges for harassment and blackmail, that was when she handed the phone to him. She claimed that he knew about it when she was sending the harassing messages last night and that he approved of what she was doing, but she could have been lying about that because he seemed half confused. I don't really know much about her or care to know anything about her. All I know is that she's a few years younger than him, left her husband a month or two ago after meeting OM, and that her and OM are going to get married after her divorce is final. I'm just tired of trying to figure them out. I tried to talk to H a little bit about it, but he brushed it off and wanted to be intimate. He told me he loved me afterward... I have a feeling that he is hysterical bonding with me and don't know what to make of it. I don't push him away when he hugs me or tries to be intimate, but in the back of my mind I just don't understand because when I discovered his affair, I packed my things immediately and left: I didn't want to bond or even look at him for weeks. It was 5 months before we even had sex again...
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