See if you can untangle this mess (a tale of cultures, finances, kids)

[Headaches]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Sit down and grab a coffee as this is a long and complicatedone, but I sincerely appreciate any advice given.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I’m a man in my late 30’s that has been married for over 5years to a woman who has just turned 30. We come from very differentbackgrounds although we both share the same Asian ethnicity; I have lived in aWestern country all my life. Her parents are divorced and strugglingfinancially. She had many violent confrontations with her Dad and after he lefthad to take on the role of the “leader” in the family. On the other hand, Icome from a fairly normal family which kept me kind of sheltered and that isfinancially quite well off.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Unbeknownst to me, my parents thought to introduce us becausethey were starting to panic about me not settling down so they brought her tomy country to check out the study options as she planned to study there. Priorto me meeting with my now wife I had been inexperienced with women. My wife wentto a college for a couple of months. After dating for a few months my then fiancégave me the ultimatum to either marry her within a year or she would leave. Sheeven told me that she would let me be with other women even after we weremarried knowing that I was inexperienced. She told me that she hated thecollege that she was studying at, meaning that if she stopped going to college (whichshe threatened to do) she would have to leave the country because of her visa.This left me with not much option, either I would marry her or lose her. Idecided to marry her, partly because I did not want to lose her (and wasinexperienced with women) and because I felt sorry for her because of her badfamily history (she had many violent confrontations with her father) andfinancial situation. After marrying her, my family also took the responsibilityfor the mortgage of her house. Before getting married my family asked her tosign a prenuptial agreement which made her very upset and angry. I thought myfamily’s possessions prior to me getting married should remain my family’spossession but what we build up together we can share, which I consider fair. Ifelt her sense of entitlement was unjustified for something she had nothing todo with.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]These financial issues has caused numerous arguments, Icould never be sure whether she married me because she loved me or because shewanted to help out her family and for material gain. This has caused a numberof trust issues about her from my side. She also comes from an opportunisticculture that has a “dog eat dog” mentality which I dislike. I know I love herbut maybe more as a younger sister than a wife. I would say that 80% of thetime she is a good wife but the 20% that is bad is unbearable. When she hastemper tantrums she can get violent, to the point where she throws things,screams at the top of her lungs, even punches herself, she has threatened tojump out of windows, cut herself and taken excessive medication. She is highlyintelligent and has always been a tomboy and can be very cold, hard, schemingand ruthless.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I was never sure about getting married in the first place. Igot married under pressure and because I was naïve to the ways of women andbecause I did feel sorry for her situation. I did not have a happy childhood oradolescence because I had some mental and self esteem issues and felt I missedout on many experiences. Prior to meeting her I had plans to finally live thesingle life once I got over my mental issues and like every other average guyout there. However, now that I am married I can’t. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Now, my wife is pushing for kids. I feel like this is thefinal nail in the coffin for me. It means I will never be able to have theexperiences like every other average guy has had and I can see me settling downto a boring predictable life which I am not ready for. I want to avoid lying onmy deathbed full of regrets, sadness and anger because I was never able to livethe life I wanted. I understand that her biological clock is ticking and herwanting security, however having kids also means that I am forever tied to herboth emotionally and financially. I also do not trust that she and her familywill try to take financial advantage of me once we have kids and use them as abargaining chip. Even now she is saying that I wasted her time and ruined herlife, even thou I got her out of the big mess she was in. Her whole family wasin financial trouble and would have lost their house due to her parentsdivorcing and in our time together she has gained financially and hadexperiences (such as travelling overseas and going back to her home countryevery year) that she could never have afforded. I felt I have given hereverything (even ahead of my wants) except kids at this stage.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Please advise of your thoughts and whether we should staytogether or not.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[anne1707]

Sit down and grab a coffee as this is a long and complicatedone, but I sincerely appreciate any advice given.

 

I’m a man in my late 30’s that has been married for over 5years to a woman who has just turned 30. We come from very differentbackgrounds although we both share the same Asian ethnicity; I have lived in aWestern country all my life. Her parents are divorced and strugglingfinancially. She had many violent confrontations with her Dad and after he lefthad to take on the role of the “leader” in the family. On the other hand, Icome from a fairly normal family which kept me kind of sheltered and that isfinancially quite well off.

 

Unbeknownst to me, my parents thought to introduce us becausethey were starting to panic about me not settling down so they brought her tomy country to check out the study options as she planned to study there. Priorto me meeting with my now wife I had been inexperienced with women. My wife wentto a college for a couple of months. After dating for a few months my then fiancégave me the ultimatum to either marry her within a year or she would leave. Sheeven told me that she would let me be with other women even after we weremarried knowing that I was inexperienced. She told me that she hated thecollege that she was studying at, meaning that if she stopped going to college (whichshe threatened to do) she would have to leave the country because of her visa.This left me with not much option, either I would marry her or lose her. Idecided to marry her, partly because I did not want to lose her (and wasinexperienced with women) and because I felt sorry for her because of her badfamily history (she had many violent confrontations with her father) andfinancial situation. After marrying her, my family also took the responsibilityfor the mortgage of her house. Before getting married my family asked her tosign a prenuptial agreement which made her very upset and angry. I thought myfamily’s possessions prior to me getting married should remain my family’spossession but what we build up together we can share, which I consider fair. Ifelt her sense of entitlement was unjustified for something she had nothing todo with.

 

These financial issues has caused numerous arguments, Icould never be sure whether she married me because she loved me or because shewanted to help out her family and for material gain. This has caused a numberof trust issues about her from my side. She also comes from an opportunisticculture that has a “dog eat dog” mentality which I dislike. I know I love herbut maybe more as a younger sister than a wife. I would say that 80% of thetime she is a good wife but the 20% that is bad is unbearable. When she hastemper tantrums she can get violent, to the point where she throws things,screams at the top of her lungs, even punches herself, she has threatened tojump out of windows, cut herself and taken excessive medication. She is highlyintelligent and has always been a tomboy and can be very cold, hard, schemingand ruthless.

 

I was never sure about getting married in the first place. Igot married under pressure and because I was naïve to the ways of women andbecause I did feel sorry for her situation. I did not have a happy childhood oradolescence because I had some mental and self esteem issues and felt I missedout on many experiences. Prior to meeting her I had plans to finally live thesingle life once I got over my mental issues and like every other average guyout there. However, now that I am married I can’t.

 

 

Now, my wife is pushing for kids. I feel like this is thefinal nail in the coffin for me. It means I will never be able to have theexperiences like every other average guy has had and I can see me settling downto a boring predictable life which I am not ready for. I want to avoid lying onmy deathbed full of regrets, sadness and anger because I was never able to livethe life I wanted. I understand that her biological clock is ticking and herwanting security, however having kids also means that I am forever tied to herboth emotionally and financially. I also do not trust that she and her familywill try to take financial advantage of me once we have kids and use them as abargaining chip. Even now she is saying that I wasted her time and ruined herlife, even thou I got her out of the big mess she was in. Her whole family wasin financial trouble and would have lost their house due to her parentsdivorcing and in our time together she has gained financially and hadexperiences (such as travelling overseas and going back to her home countryevery year) that she could never have afforded. I felt I have given hereverything (even ahead of my wants) except kids at this stage.

 

Please advise of your thoughts and whether we should staytogether or not

 

Reposted for you

[anne1707]

It does sound as if your wife married you to escape her problems back home. However it also sounds as if you did not marry for the best of reasons either. You really do need to decide whether you want to stay in this marriage or not. If you decide to stay then you and your wife will need to make serious changes before you can even begin to consider bringing innocent children into the mix. Your wife has issues which would probably mean she would benefit from counselling to help her manage her anger (at you and herself). You also need to establish between you what you both want and expect from the marriage.

 

If however you do not want to be with her then you must end the marriage. Staying because you think it is the right thing to do will only make you both yet more miserable and the resentment between you two will be hellish.

[Headaches]

Thanks anne1707. It's much appreciated.

[denise_xo]

Your entire post screams "I don't want to be married" to me. It might be better for everyone to pull the plug. Definitely don't bring kids into this.

[ffw]

OP, you jumped in a well without knowing it's depth. It seems like you married more to save her out of pity rather than knowing her as a person before settling down. Perhaps, you thought you won't get another chance if you let this one pass.

 

Unforunately, at this point, you don't know what lies on the other side is better or worse. In my opinion, you need to resolve problems with yourself, with her and the relationship before even thinking about bringing children. Perhaps marriage counselling will help. GL.

[Headaches]

Thanks guys for all your responses. I think ffw hit the nail on the head. I don't know if it will be worse or better and hence do nothing, before I know it time will run out and I will have made a decision by default. She is not a bad person but has some mental issues (I am not saint either).