Nextlane Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 My gf and I have been in a relationship for 4 years (both in our mid-20s). Recently, I allowed her to go overseas back to her own country (hasn't been for 3 years) for 5 weeks so she could have time to herself, catch up with family and friends. I do believe I am a great boyfriend as any issues in the relationship has always been resolved, rarely had fights and I've always treated her like a princess even though I work a lot (I want to be successful). She is considered the "High Maintenance" type of girl who has called/texted me on a daily basis for the past 5 years. She told me how lucky she was to have me (especially how I could handle her tantrums) and sometimes pulls up the marriage topic from time to time. On the first week, she posted a message on facebook stating she misses me. I've always trusted that she wouldn't cheat on me as she also seems to always checking up (going through my phone while I'm sleeping etc...) on me all the time back in our country Australia. However, it somewhat got a little bit hard to contact her at times and she seems to always be getting angry - so I called her like twice a week just to give her space. On the third week, I found photos of her on facebook on another guy's profile wearing a 'couples tshirt' and also couple type pictures which aren't extremely intimate, but a raise for concern me as a boyfriend. I eventually contacted her and she told me that the guy recently divorced from a 10 year relationship with his first love (which lead him to depression, drugs, alcohol and starving himself). He asked her for a favour to help him get his ex back by posing photos to get her jealous as he is a good man. I also asked about why she didn't want to talk to me at times when I gave her a call, in which she explained that I was annoying her and she usually leaves her phone back at the hotel (as its in the beach area with no lockers). I just very confused, my heart believes her, but my brain is overheating from just thinking if the story ain't true. Both sides of the family likes us and expect that we would get married some day. She said she would explain everything once she got back. I'd hate to break up with her over something this stupid, but I do not want to be made a fool either. I am considered good looking, educated, nice guy personality and somewhat successful monetary wise. I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat, but I love her a lot and I'd hate for anyone to have a feeling on betrayal. Thanks for reading. How should I confront her about the issue and get all honest answers? She seems to be contacting me normally now though...
nocontactqueen Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 wait, you ALLOWED her to go away for 5 weeks? was that the word you meant to use?
anne1707 Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 wait, you ALLOWED her to go away for 5 weeks? was that the word you meant to use? I had noticed that too. If she needs his permission to go and see her family, I would quite understand why she is probably enjoying some freedom without having to be permitted to do anything.
Author Nextlane Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 (edited) wait, you ALLOWED her to go away for 5 weeks? was that the word you meant to use? Sorry about the misunderstanding, I actually didn't put up any rules or bounderies with our relationship where she has to get my approval. She wanted to go away for 5 weeks and asked just wanted to let me know in a notification type way. I'm not the insecure type where I restrict her from her female and male friends. She always seems to tell me updated before and after e.g. movies, clubs, beaches without me asking (I trusted her anyways) back in Australia. Edited March 3, 2012 by Nextlane
FitChick Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 She is probably tired of waiting for marriage and is exploring her options.
Author Nextlane Posted March 4, 2012 Author Posted March 4, 2012 She has never lied to me before. This is the first lie and very big thing for me. I have contacted her and spoke to her properly on the phone. She comes back tommorrow and I will explain everything and that I am misunderstanding her.
Author Nextlane Posted March 4, 2012 Author Posted March 4, 2012 (edited) "He asked her for a favour to help him get his ex back by posing photos to get her jealous as he is a good man." You are being played like a fool. This is supposedly your partner...this is so disrespectful that she'd now be my ex-partner. When she returns you will wonder FOREVER regardless of whatever further lies she feeds you. I have very much decided to break up with her. I just want a solid respones before we close on the relationship. She's the nice person type in general and is always willing to help friends/family. Anyways, I will see her tommorrow and hope that I can get some solid answers. She usually always tells me about everything, even guys trying to pick her up. I've never caught her lying in the past and I'll have to wait and see what will happen. I spoke with her last night and she was with her dad. She put her dad on the phone for me even though I couldn't communicate to him. Edited March 4, 2012 by Nextlane
Author Nextlane Posted March 4, 2012 Author Posted March 4, 2012 I have also spoken to her about the issues seriously. She seems to believe I am overreacting and thinking too much and reacted angrily on how I had make false accusations, but never hanged up the phone even though she was making such threats cause I was being silly. I will wait for her tommorrow, as she will tell me everything about her trip. What kind of signs should I be looking for? - laughing at my accusations - lack of eye contact - stuttering - change in stories - combustive behaviour
Leigh 87 Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 (edited) I am not sure what type of relationship you have... however, if m y boyfriend caught pictures of me, with another guy, posing suggestively on face book, he would of course, be shocked and uspet. If I were innocent, I would tell him " I love you so so so so so much , aww, there is NO WAY I would ever do that to you, your the one I want" I would REALLY make him CERTAIN of how much I adore him. I would put my anger aside, and just comfort him about it, I would totally undertsand, because I would feel the same way about him, if he posed with girls on facebook, in the same situation... The fact is: is she is decent looking, and clubbing in Europe, they party pretty hard over there, and have great night life..... It is very likely there are many opportunities for her to cheat, and you have every right to be a little worried..... In relationships, it is pretty important to know how to reassure the other person, in regards to cheating.. U need to KNOW how to reassure each other, and make each other feel secure; of course, you have to put in some work, by liking yourself and feeling confident.. but couples DO need to know the other person, and know when they need reassurance... If she leaves you hanging, even when she is innocent, u need to re asses if she will be able to truly treat u in a way that will work for the long run.... Edited March 5, 2012 by Leigh 87
Els Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 My gf and I have been in a relationship for 4 years (both in our mid-20s). Recently, I allowed her to go overseas back to her own country (hasn't been for 3 years) for 5 weeks so she could have time to herself, catch up with family and friends. I do believe I am a great boyfriend as any issues in the relationship has always been resolved, rarely had fights and I've always treated her like a princess even though I work a lot (I want to be successful). She is considered the "High Maintenance" type of girl who has called/texted me on a daily basis for the past 5 years. She told me how lucky she was to have me (especially how I could handle her tantrums) and sometimes pulls up the marriage topic from time to time. On the first week, she posted a message on facebook stating she misses me. I've always trusted that she wouldn't cheat on me as she also seems to always checking up (going through my phone while I'm sleeping etc...) on me all the time back in our country Australia. However, it somewhat got a little bit hard to contact her at times and she seems to always be getting angry - so I called her like twice a week just to give her space. On the third week, I found photos of her on facebook on another guy's profile wearing a 'couples tshirt' and also couple type pictures which aren't extremely intimate, but a raise for concern me as a boyfriend. I eventually contacted her and she told me that the guy recently divorced from a 10 year relationship with his first love (which lead him to depression, drugs, alcohol and starving himself). He asked her for a favour to help him get his ex back by posing photos to get her jealous as he is a good man. I also asked about why she didn't want to talk to me at times when I gave her a call, in which she explained that I was annoying her and she usually leaves her phone back at the hotel (as its in the beach area with no lockers). I just very confused, my heart believes her, but my brain is overheating from just thinking if the story ain't true. Both sides of the family likes us and expect that we would get married some day. She said she would explain everything once she got back. I'd hate to break up with her over something this stupid, but I do not want to be made a fool either. I am considered good looking, educated, nice guy personality and somewhat successful monetary wise. I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat, but I love her a lot and I'd hate for anyone to have a feeling on betrayal. Thanks for reading. How should I confront her about the issue and get all honest answers? She seems to be contacting me normally now though... I'm not sure if the bolded were all Freudian slips, especially the first bit about 'allowing' her to go (I'm not really sure how you mistype something like that btw, especially if English is your first language), but something really seems off to me. First the 'allowed' bit, then she is 'high maintenance' for wanting a call or text a day even though you guys are in a committed LTR? And most of your post was about how great a bf you are... Idunno, dude. Most people I know do not repeat how great a bf or gf they are multiple times when describing relationship problems, and most will admit to having faults of their own. It is THAT characteristic, IMO, that makes a great partner. But you seem to be under the impression that you are perfect and she has a lot of faults (high maintenance, doing this to you at the moment, always angry etc). There is no introspection into possible actions of your own that could have contributed to this shenanigan. I agree that her motives seem iffy at best, but the way you are presenting yourself here is extremely iffy also. 1
Author Nextlane Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 (edited) Just an update for those who are interested. I was able to get her transport to my home that day and she called me once she made it into my bedroom. Sounded just normal behaviour from what I hear. When I was able to speak to her later on in the evening and she asked for a hug. I asked her about what is going on and where do you see our relationship. She explained the story in normal-sized detail (but allowed me to ask what I asked to know) and was hating how I was acting strange/insecure back at home (preferred to wait for face to face). Story seemed very much the same solid story as discussed over the phone while she was on holidays. I threw in questions of the story I knew answers in (to see if they had changed). In terms of the relationship, I asked whether I am just a back-up boy or the one. Her reponse was that I was the one and she see us marrying one day and growing old. Asked how much she loved me out of 10 (her response 11). We made eye (kinda teary on my end, but she was also watery) contact the whole time and kinda made out after. I later drove her home later at night, holding hands in the car. I discussed about our first date when I told her that I wouldn't get upset if she were to leave me to chase her soul mate as long as she is willing to tell me instead of doing it behind my back. I'm not going to stop someone from being with me if their not truely happy, even if I am heart broken. Her response was "Don't worry babe, I will let you know if I ever do". I responsed, "You will allow me to do the same right?", she made an grumpy face with the response "I'll see.." I'm just going to wait it out for another week. I feel as though this is to be the most difficult time in our relationship, like my trust for her dropped from 110% to 60%. I trust her, but a small part of me doesn't want to be taken for a fool. I've always been open minded about her hanging out with her friends when she goes clubbing, even if guys (she has a tomboy personality and know most of them). She always calls me up after and we speak of ages until she arrives home. We usually go clubbing together 80% of times anyways and we are always together enjoying ourselves. I hope this isn't a bad outcome. Haven't slept, so I hope this all makes sense. Edited March 5, 2012 by Nextlane
Author Nextlane Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 You wouldn't have continued this thread if you trusted her explicitly. Without complete trust a relationship is doomed. I agree. I have now decided to break up the relationship. I'd hate to continue the relationship if I'm still pondering on the fact that she may cheat in the future. It's not fair for her either to think I'm always making accusations of her cheating on me. I have stopped snooping entirely and put an end to this non sense. I've found very compelling evidence that has made it clear for me to move on and she has been disrepectful to myself. Thank you again everyone for their input. I have learnt a lot from this relationship (my first love) and hope to take a break from the scene until I'm ready.
Recommended Posts