would you date someone with a history of cheating?

[shayla]

You mean, you helped him cheat on his former girlfriend? I'm confused.

 

 

No. I did not help him cheat. He lied to me about the end of his last relationship. He'd been married and divorced. He told me he'd been with his next wife for six years before getting married. turns out that he was still married to his 2nd wife the entire six years and left her to marry wife number 3

 

They had been divorced for 12 years when we met, and we were together for almost 3 years.

He met the other woman 2 years into our relationship and lived a completely seperate life building a relationship and putting a ring on her finger behind my back. And that is when I found out. So yes, he cheated on his blushing bride for almost a year, right up until they were engaged, I found out and confronted her. And the idiot still married him.

[Pyro]

It depends how long ago the cheating was, how old they are now.

 

this right here.

[kaylan]

Be honest everyone:

 

Do you seriously think that i am never going to find love again because I cheated in the past?

 

Because if that is what you feel I am just not going to post here anymore asking for advice with the men I meet. What is the point if the majority of them are going to kick me to the curb once I disclose my big scarlet letter?

Youll find love...but its up to the guy if he wants to date someone who cheated in the past.

 

Personally Im very strict about cheating...but some guys are more lenient. However, its not crazy for a guy to it could happen to him if you did it to your ex.

 

I think the only situation I could be ok with

Why would you ever admit to cheating? Seriously? I would never even ask a girl whether she cheated in the past or not, the only reason I would ever hesitate is if she volunteered the information.

OP dont listen to this. Lying is another deal breaker. The first time a girl lies to me about something important and I find out, shes out of my life. I take honesty seriously. A history of lying is just as bad as cheating imo.

 

A guy needs to be able to trust you. So be honest. Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.

[fortyninethousand322]

 

OP dont listen to this. Lying is another deal breaker. The first time a girl lies to me about something important and I find out, shes out of my life. I take honesty seriously. A history of lying is just as bad as cheating imo.

 

A guy needs to be able to trust you. So be honest. Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.

 

Lying is a dealbreaker for you. Personally, I don't want to know about a woman's past at all. I'm 24, I know that 99% of women have a past, but I'd rather just assume I'm the first guy she ever dated.

 

I can't vouch for anyone else's policies, but I just don't want to know dating or sexual histories. As long as you're clean I don't care.

[Tailspin]

Lying is a dealbreaker for you. Personally, I don't want to know about a woman's past at all. I'm 24, I know that 99% of women have a past, but I'd rather just assume I'm the first guy she ever dated.

 

I can't vouch for anyone else's policies, but I just don't want to know dating or sexual histories. As long as you're clean I don't care.

 

Honey, you won't be anybody's first if you think like that. If you don't share your dating histories, any woman will get suspisious.

[kaylan]

Lying is a dealbreaker for you. Personally, I don't want to know about a woman's past at all. I'm 24, I know that 99% of women have a past, but I'd rather just assume I'm the first guy she ever dated.

 

I can't vouch for anyone else's policies, but I just don't want to know dating or sexual histories. As long as you're clean I don't care.

You also have barely dated...so one cannot really take your advice for much. You are super naive if you wouldnt take a persons past into consideration when it comes to a friendship or relationship. Youre setting yourself up for some hurt if you just walk in blind into situations. I can assure you the wrong girl would easily take you for a bad ride and you wouldnt know what hit you.

 

When you experience a partner lying to you, breaking your heart or cheating on you...youll realize its something you will not deal with. Past is a good predictor of future behavior. Ive dated girls and tried to ignore some things about their past but it doesnt work. And they usually show their true colors sooner or later.

 

Get some experience with women, and then get back to me.

Edited March 5, 2012 by kaylan

[fortyninethousand322]

You also have barely dated...so one cannot really take your advice for much. You are super naive if you wouldnt take a persons past into consideration when it comes to a friendship or relationship. Youre setting yourself up for some hurt if you just walk in blind into situations. I can assure you the wrong girl would easily take you for a bad ride and you wouldnt know what hit you.

 

Why is someone's past all that important? Maybe they were overweight as a kid, maybe they didn't brush their teeth as a child. Why would I care about that if they weren't doing those things now?

 

If a girl is currently cheating that's one thing, but why worry about something from the past that she may or may not repeat again? I'm not going to reveal my past so I wouldn't expect a woman to reveal her's.

 

When you experience a partner lying to you, breaking your heart or cheating on you...youll realize its something you will not deal with. Past is a good predictor of future behavior. Ive dated girls and tried to ignore some things about their past but it doesnt work.

 

Lying about what? Not all lies are created equal. If a girl lies about being on birth control or about being divorced that's one thing. But if she fails to tell me about her past (like how she was once engaged to a rich lawyer or she cheated on her boyfriend when she was 17) why is that a big deal?

 

Chase ghosts of the past if you want. I'm more interested in the here and now.

 

Get some experience with women, and then get back to me.

 

Not going to happen, pal. At least not in this lifetime.

Edited March 5, 2012 by fortyninethousand322

[carhill]

Why is someone's past all that important?

 

IMO, we are the sum of our life experience's interaction with our unique and singular psychology. In relationships, this can end up being wonderfully synergistic or painfully antagonistic or anywhere in between. Clarity is the headlights which illuminate the path. Is it a path I choose to walk, with this person?

 

As this thread details, some people find historical infidelity and cheating to be a pothole they wish to avoid totally, without exception. That's healthy for them. Others have their, perhaps different, perspective. Clarity helps achieve such healthy perspectives and accept both that sum total of life experience as well as the here and now, in the moment.

 

In the past, I gave an unhealthy 'benefit of the doubt' to the sum total aspect, at my own peril. Experience taught moderation in that propensity and promoted both more personal health, with less unhealthy bend, as well as more clarity in accepting others as they are.

[kaylan]

Why is someone's past all that important? Maybe they were overweight as a kid, maybe they didn't brush their teeth as a child. Why would I care about that if they weren't doing those things now?

Lmao @ this argument you just made. Who the hell is talking about weight and clean teeth bro? We are talking about the parts of someone past that are important to decided if the person is compatible with you in a relationship.

 

So if the past doesnt matter, you wouldnt want to know if the girl you are seeing cheated on every last one of her partners and also lied to them about many things? Youd just go in dating her blind? Are you THAT desperate that you will take anything that comes your way?

 

If a girl is currently cheating that's one thing, but why worry about something from the past that she may or may not repeat again? I'm not going to reveal my past so I wouldn't expect a woman to reveal her's.

The past is a good show of how someone will behave in the future. Its really that simple. Sure some people make mistakes and change, but people also sometimes keep making those same errors. Either way, its important to know certain things about someone past before dating them. Anyone with a dating history would know that.

 

But you dont have much of a dating history so it makes sense why you feel this way. Plus you have things to hide yourself and dont want to share your past. Thats a red flag to most people. Having something to hide will make people think you arent trustworthy. Good luck finding a woman who will put up with that.

 

 

Lying about what? Not all lies are created equal. If a girl lies about being on birth control or about being divorced that's one thing. But if she fails to tell me about her past (like how she was once engaged to a rich lawyer or she cheated on her boyfriend when she was 17) why is that a big deal?

Lying about things that would be important to a relationship are a deal breaker. Like going to hang out with her friends in a club at night but lying about it. Lying about if she cheated in the past. You know full well what I meant when I said lying was a deal breaker.

 

And lies of omission are bad as well.

 

Chase ghosts of the past if you want. I'm more interested in the here and now.

Youre actually interested in hiding things and being deceptive yourself. Plus even though you are 24, you are naive as all get out...your stance seems something that would be more common to find in teenagers. But then again, you havent had much dating experience...so it makes sense.

 

Wise up dude, or you will be taken for one hell of a ride if you meet the wrong woman.

 

 

Not going to happen, pal. At least not in this lifetime.

And this right here is why I cannot take what you are saying seriously. You have a defeatist attitude and you seem like you would take the first woman who showed interest in you regardless of a series of red flags...because you wouldnt know what they were anyways since youd allow her to hide her past from you.

[fortyninethousand322]

IMO, we are the sum of our life experience's interaction with our unique and singular psychology. In relationships, this can end up being wonderfully synergistic or painfully antagonistic or anywhere in between. Clarity is the headlights which illuminate the path. Is it a path I choose to walk, with this person?

 

As this thread details, some people find historical infidelity and cheating to be a pothole they wish to avoid totally, without exception. That's healthy for them. Others have their, perhaps different, perspective. Clarity helps achieve such healthy perspectives and accept both that sum total of life experience as well as the here and now, in the moment.

 

In the past, I gave an unhealthy 'benefit of the doubt' to the sum total aspect, at my own peril. Experience taught moderation in that propensity and promoted both more personal health, with less unhealthy bend, as well as more clarity in accepting others as they are.

 

I guess I wonder how effective a policy of "no past history of cheating at all, ever" really is? It seems like to me, the people who would reveal such information honestly would probably be the least likely to repeat such behavior while the serial cheats would probably just lie (which apparently they're good at which is how they were able to cheat in the first place) and you would never know about their cheating history.

 

I'd much rather go with my gut feeling about the person plus their current behavior than allow prejudice of their past taint my view of them.

[fortyninethousand322]

So if the past doesnt matter, you wouldnt want to know if the girl you are seeing cheated on every last one of her partners and also lied to them about many things? Youd just go in dating her blind? Are you THAT desperate that you will take anything that comes your way?

 

My desperation is not germane to this conversation. But, someone who had cheated on ever single one of her partners would probably not be honest about it anyway so me asking wouldn't do much good. Unless you live in a small town or have a small social group you're totally at the mercy of the person being honest about their history. I'd rather rely on their current actions and gut feeling.

 

 

The past is a good show of how someone will behave in the future. Its really that simple. Sure some people make mistakes and change, but people also sometimes keep making those same errors. Either way, its important to know certain things about someone past before dating them. Anyone with a dating history would know that.

 

But you dont have much of a dating history so it makes sense why you feel this way. Plus you have things to hide yourself and dont want to share your past. Thats a red flag to most people. Having something to hide will make people think you arent trustworthy. Good luck finding a woman who will put up with that.

 

Except history is not cyclical. Every situation is different than before. And women's actions indicate that they prefer inexperienced or virgin men to lie about said inexperience. But again, that's not germane to this topic.

 

 

Youre actually interested in hiding things and being deceptive yourself. Plus even though you are 24, you are naive as all get out...your stance seems something that would be more common to find in teenagers. But then again, you havent had much dating experience...so it makes sense.

 

Wise up dude, or you will be taken for one hell of a ride if you meet the wrong woman.

 

You don't know me aside from a handful of posts on an anonymous message board so you have know idea whether I'm "naive" or not.

 

It's not that big of a deal if I would prefer not to exchange past histories. She can pretend I've dated women before and I can pretend she hasn't. No one would be worse off for it now would they?

 

And this right here is why I cannot take what you are saying seriously. You have a defeatist attitude and you seem like you would take the first woman who showed interest in you regardless of a series of red flags...because you wouldnt know what they were anyways since youd allow her to hide her past from you.

 

Again, not germane to this topic, but yes, very much an accurate description.

[zengirl]

I guess I wonder how effective a policy of "no past history of cheating at all, ever" really is? It seems like to me, the people who would reveal such information honestly would probably be the least likely to repeat such behavior while the serial cheats would probably just lie (which apparently they're good at which is how they were able to cheat in the first place) and you would never know about their cheating history.

 

I'd much rather go with my gut feeling about the person plus their current behavior than allow prejudice of their past taint my view of them.

 

It is probably true that someone who honestly and maturely told you about their cheating situation is less likely to be a serial cheat. However, I think people are welcome to assess a partner's past in determining compatibility, as long as they are not needlessly hypocritical, mean, or bitter about it. We all make choices.

 

What I think people shouldn't do is "punish" someone they've chosen to date for his/her past or hypocritically judge people for their pasts or 'throw stones.' To say, "I'm not comfortable dating that person," after learning something about their past that changes your view of them is not the same thing as throwing stones, namecalling, or other bad behavior.

[kaylan]

My desperation is not germane to this conversation. But, someone who had cheated on ever single one of her partners would probably not be honest about it anyway so me asking wouldn't do much good. Unless you live in a small town or have a small social group you're totally at the mercy of the person being honest about their history. I'd rather rely on their current actions and gut feeling.

Your desperation is very much relevant. I dont see how it can not be. Your inexperience is why you are desperate and hold such views...at least thats how I see it. With dating experience, you learn how to assess women better...you can usually spot liars a bit better too. A gut feeling that hasnt had any real world experience is not gonna always be the most helpful.

 

And how can your gut form an opinion without any information about the woman in question?

 

Except history is not cyclical. Every situation is different than before. And women's actions indicate that they prefer inexperienced or virgin men to lie about said inexperience. But again, that's not germane to this topic.

Who said history is cyclical? No one said that. What is being said is that people have set personalities and patterns. Some folks get into a pattern of lying and cheating and thats why knowing about someones past is important. So one can make an accurate assessment of their personality.

 

And last I checked, women like a partner who is honest. So do guys as well. I mean, sure Ill be more cautious about getting involved with a chick who was a virgin...but thats life...its not a deal breaker up front like lying would be.

 

You don't know me aside from a handful of posts on an anonymous message board so you have know idea whether I'm "naive" or not.

Dude...your posts are more than enough. They give me a good insight into the type of guy you are. But if you wanna believe you arent naive...then kool.

 

Im just telling you to watch out from the wrong girls.

 

It's not that big of a deal if I would prefer not to exchange past histories. She can pretend I've dated women before and I can pretend she hasn't. No one would be worse off for it now would they?

Being secretive will not make anyone want to date you. Thats the issue here. It would lead a gal to believe you are lying about things that would be very important to her.

 

Again, not germane to this topic, but yes, very much an accurate description.

You can keep saying this all you want, but your attitude has everything to do with your viewpoint. So it is germane to this topic.

 

Btw, get a thesaurus. To use germane so many times in one post...eh...not a fan.

[aj22one]

I guess I wonder how effective a policy of "no past history of cheating at all, ever" really is? It seems like to me, the people who would reveal such information honestly would probably be the least likely to repeat such behavior while the serial cheats would probably just lie (which apparently they're good at which is how they were able to cheat in the first place) and you would never know about their cheating history.

 

I'd much rather go with my gut feeling about the person plus their current behavior than allow prejudice of their past taint my view of them.

 

A very straightforward analysis of this issue.

 

The title of this thread is "would you date someone with a history of cheating". Napoleon once said "history is a set of lies that men agree to believe". In essence, our histories are merely our experiences told from our own perspective. Someone who believes themselves to be virtuous (or a faithful partner in this case) will always present themselves to others as such. The real test of course is whether or not other people share this opinion.

 

Reality is, very few of us have been wonderful and perfect partners to everyone we've been in a relationship with. It's best to always go into every encounter with another human being with the full knowledge that they've probably acted pretty bad towards someone at some point. Only time can tell whether that's core to this person's being, or whether they represent isolated events that are part of the human condition.

[fortyninethousand322]

Your desperation is very much relevant. I dont see how it can not be. Your inexperience is why you are desperate and hold such views...at least thats how I see it. With dating experience, you learn how to assess women better...you can usually spot liars a bit better too. A gut feeling that hasnt had any real world experience is not gonna always be the most helpful.

 

Blind prejudice isn't helpful either.

 

And how can your gut form an opinion without any information about the woman in question?

 

Intuition, information from other people's experiences that I've observed or heard about. Also their current behaviors.

 

Who said history is cyclical? No one said that. What is being said is that people have set personalities and patterns. Some folks get into a pattern of lying and cheating and thats why knowing about someones past is important. So one can make an accurate assessment of their personality.

 

I'm not a background investigator, I can't comb through every little detail of someone's past so I can come to an informed opinion. A pattern of lying and cheating is not exactly something someone is going to volunteer. "Gee honey, do you have a history of repeatedly lying and cheating on men you've dated"?

 

On what planet would anyone answer that question honestly?

 

And last I checked, women like a partner who is honest. So do guys as well. I mean, sure Ill be more cautious about getting involved with a chick who was a virgin...but thats life...its not a deal breaker up front like lying would be.

 

I don't know how long you've been on this forum but I can point you to a few threads in which women expressed a marked prejudice against inexperienced men. Not just sexually inexperienced, relationship inexperience as well.

 

Dude...your posts are more than enough. They give me a good insight into the type of guy you are. But if you wanna believe you arent naive...then kool.

 

Yeah I know, I'm one of the LS whipping boys.

 

Im just telling you to watch out from the wrong girls.

 

Duly noted.

 

Being secretive will not make anyone want to date you. Thats the issue here. It would lead a gal to believe you are lying about things that would be very important to her.

 

Who said anything about "secretive"? I'd just be vague like "yeah I dated a bit, nothing serious" and leave it at that.

 

You can keep saying this all you want, but your attitude has everything to do with your viewpoint. So it is germane to this topic.

 

Btw, get a thesaurus. To use germane so many times in one post...eh...not a fan.

 

Perhaps it does. But I gave my opinion on the subject based on my own experience. The person who solicited the opinion if fully free to see where I'm coming from on this. If they ever meet a guy like me then it will be valuable information now won't it? Or, am I supposed to give advice from the perspective of someone else?

 

It's an internet forum, not an English composition class. Besides, "germane" is on my word a day calendar.