would you date someone with a history of cheating?

[eleanorhurting]

If you truly have changed then good for you but I have a hard enough time with trust issues as it is without that big red flag. I want to ask an honest question and please don't be offended.

 

If he forgave you and took you back would you have never cheated again?

 

I understand. I have trust issues too. I have never been cheated on but I have been left for someone else. It sucks.

 

I do not believe I would have cheated but I am glad I told and I am glad he broke up with me and I went through such a hard time.

 

Lots of my friends cheat on their partners but they never confess and they have never been left because of it and they keep doing it over and over again. They keep getting away with it and will never change because of it.

[aj22one]

Historical cheating and present cheating are the same in my eyes: I care about neither one.

 

I guess cheaters can count on dating "hard up for dates" people like yourself then. haha

[Woggle]

Please understand I am not trying to say this about you personally but many cheaters never change unless it costs them something and there is consequences. I don't want somebody that does the right thing just because they paid for it. The true character of a person is how they act when nobody is looking.

 

If you have truly changed then I am happy for you but just like a person who has a criminal record but has genuinely changed there will be people who look at that and decide the risk is not worth it.

[eleanorhurting]

No that is not what I'm saying.

 

 

 

So now you're lowering the age in order to portray that one can still find love. Again I highly doubt when you're in your 60s, 70s, and 80s you'll be trying to look for someone so it's a moot point in my opinion, no offense.

 

If you cheated on your ex-husband and got divorced, finding someone new isn't going to resolve the previous issues you had with your ex. I see this all the time with people who cheated, especially wayward wives. They think finding another innocent man to be with so they can "runaway" from their past will solve their problems, and many of them don't even tell their new husband they cheated on their ex or exes.

 

 

 

You seem to think that if you cheated a long time ago, and never again in subsequent years, that your past cheating is somehow "null and void."

 

I find it interesting that cheaters almost quickly hop into another relationship and then claim to be all about monogamy, loyalty, and faithfulness, after they destroyed their previous relationship by choosing not to keep their pants on. It's like why weren't they all about controlling their urges back then instead of now? They had no problem having a 2 year affair until it got exposed, and now that they found someone new it's all of a sudden about how they'll never cheat again.

 

Kind of like what a "reformed s**t" does after she's been having sexual encounters with loads of men since she was 18, and then by the times she's 30, decides she's going to stop her unhealthy activities and marry a nice hardworking guy.

 

 

 

But we're not talking about senior citizens are we?

 

 

Did you just use the term "reformed slut"?

 

I am sorry, I am not going to argue with you anymore. You seriously cannot argue with stupid.

[snug.bunny]

Cheating is such a common thing, that it is an easy thing for people to latch onto... and it is easy to generalize that if someone lied about something big then they must be (fill in the blanks) doing other things.

 

Cheating isn't just about lying, but being self-indulgent to the point that it will most likely cause the person who you are cheating on, severe emotional damage that can take a lifetime to repair/recover from. And, the "cheater" also runs the risk of infecting the innocent/unknowing party with a disease, if he/she continues the affair with both parties.

 

I noticed that noone answered my other questions... I realize that wasn't the original question... but it does point to other bad choices people make in their lives.

 

I consider a past history of a DUI or unprotected sex a bigger deal breaker

than if they cheated in the past and showed personal responsibility. Anger

issues and a history of violence are bigger deal breakers too.

 

DUI's and unprotected sex lead to people dying. Anger issues and violence

have daily negative consequences.

 

In other words, there are lots of ways to be an a-hole in a relationship or

in life. Cheating is just one of many.

 

DUI, I consider self-indulgent because the driver is not only putting himself in danger, but also innocent people who have not consented to anything...

 

Unprotected sex, I also consider self-indulgent, but unless the other party opposes, two people are being self-indulgent together and it is consensual.

 

Yes, no one is perfect and human beings fudge up from time-to-time. If people are remorseful, learn and grow from it, then that is awesome.

 

Sometimes you have to screw up a few times, before crossing that threshold, but understand that if someone has a repeated history of cheating, they will most likely not be taken seriously and there will always be a stigma attached.

[eleanorhurting]

Please understand I am not trying to say this about you personally but many cheaters never change unless it costs them something and there is consequences. I don't want somebody that does the right thing just because they paid for it. The true character of a person is how they act when nobody is looking.

 

If you have truly changed then I am happy for you but just like a person who has a criminal record but has genuinely changed there will be people who look at that and decide the risk is not worth it.

 

I understand that many people have not changed trust me. But I can only speak for myself.

 

And yes I understand if some people decide the risk is not worth it. The person who I meet in the future who is right for me will be able to see past it and see me for who I am now.

[Woggle]

I understand that many people have not changed trust me. But I can only speak for myself.

 

And yes I understand if some people decide the risk is not worth it. The person who I meet in the future who is right for me will be able to see past it and see me for who I am now.

 

I hope you do find that and I hope you never abuse a person's trust again.

[eleanorhurting]

Be honest everyone:

 

Do you seriously think that i am never going to find love again because I cheated in the past?

 

Because if that is what you feel I am just not going to post here anymore asking for advice with the men I meet. What is the point if the majority of them are going to kick me to the curb once I disclose my big scarlet letter?

[carhill]

Do you seriously think that i am never going to find love again because I cheated in the past?

 

Never? Unlikely. Taking responsibility is half the battle. The other half is learning tools to change the behaviors/perspectives which precipitated the acts and choices.

 

As long as one breathes, there is opportunity to change and grow and find love.

[LZ2000]

Really? You mean they broke up with the people they destroyed and then latched up with a new partner who doesn't know about their "past?"

 

I beg your pardon, but I think I do kind of see Slick's perspective on things here.

 

I think Slick is feeling strongly towards the people who were cheated on (the emotional hurt they have suffered), he doesn't like or feel good about the cheater who "gets away scot-free" and then "proceeds to his/her new partner", not even turning back to acknowledge the bad consequences that he/she has caused in his previous relationship.

 

Essentially, i do believe he feels tremendously for the heartbroken, not the heartbreaker. When you hurt someone, it is only fair to restore what you have damaged and heal whom you have wounded.

[RedRobin]

Cheating isn't just about lying, but being self-indulgent to the point that it will most likely cause the person who you are cheating on, severe emotional damage that can take a lifetime to repair/recover from. And, the "cheater" also runs the risk of infecting the innocent/unknowing party with a disease, if he/she continues the affair with both parties.

 

 

 

DUI, I consider self-indulgent because the driver is not only putting himself in danger, but also innocent people who have not consented to anything...

 

Unprotected sex, I also consider self-indulgent, but unless the other party opposes, two people are being self-indulgent together and it is consensual.

 

Yes, no one is perfect and human beings fudge up from time-to-time. If people are remorseful, learn and grow from it, then that is awesome.

 

Sometimes you have to screw up a few times, before crossing that threshold, but understand that if someone has a repeated history of cheating, they will most likely not be taken seriously and there will always be a stigma attached.

 

I've been 'cheated' on. I'm very well aware of the justifications people provide for their behavior.

 

I just don't find those justifications to be limited to 'cheating'. There are a million ways to betray someone in a relationship.

 

People have a right to decide what they will or will not tolerate in a relationship. To Carhill's point, if people don't want to accept the risk of cheating from a partner, that is their perogative.

 

... and no, I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater. My parent's marriage is one example. I know of others. Would I accept that risk myself? I don't know. As I said in the beginning, it depends.

[LZ2000]

Taking responsibility is half the battle.

 

This phrase seems to capture the values I truly believe in.

 

If for example, I cheated on someone, I will admit my fault and do my best to mend my relationship with the one I love, mend my ways, but to also heal the wounds of the people who are involved in my cheating.

 

I cannot run away from my crimes. Because it will quickly become a disease that will eat me up from the inside.

Edited March 4, 2012 by LZ2000

[fortyninethousand322]

Be honest everyone:

 

Do you seriously think that i am never going to find love again because I cheated in the past?

 

Because if that is what you feel I am just not going to post here anymore asking for advice with the men I meet. What is the point if the majority of them are going to kick me to the curb once I disclose my big scarlet letter?

 

Why would you ever admit to cheating? Seriously? I would never even ask a girl whether she cheated in the past or not, the only reason I would ever hesitate is if she volunteered the information.

[snug.bunny]

I've been 'cheated' on. I'm very well aware of the justifications people provide for their behavior.

 

I just don't find those justifications to be limited to 'cheating'. There are a million ways to betray someone in a relationship.

 

Of course the "justifications" aren't limited to 'cheating'. The topic of this thread is would you date someone with a history of cheating?

 

So, that is what our replies are in response to...

 

People have a right to decide what they will or will not tolerate in a relationship. To Carhill's point, if people don't want to accept the risk of cheating from a partner, that is their perogative.

 

Agreed.

 

... and no, I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater. My parent's marriage is one example. I know of others. Would I accept that risk myself? I don't know. As I said in the beginning, it depends.

 

Well, that all ties into the "Can People Change" question. Yes, I believe we as human beings can and often do change, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. So yes, it all depends.

[eleanorhurting]

Why would you ever admit to cheating? Seriously? I would never even ask a girl whether she cheated in the past or not, the only reason I would ever hesitate is if she volunteered the information.

 

I dont know I guess the question of "why did your last relationship end" always comes up.

I guess I wear my wound on my sleeve. Or did for a while anyway.

 

I would not want to talk about it if it does not come up.

 

But you know what the person I cheated with is a classmate and someone I used to study with on a regular basis and I have reason to believe that he has told people in our class what happened.

 

Anyway, I live in hell in school. For that and many other reasons. Do I deserve it? probably

 

I can't wait to graduate and move somewhere else to do my residency seriously.

[fortyninethousand322]

I dont know I guess the question of "why did your last relationship end" always comes up.

I guess I wear my wound on my sleeve. Or did for a while anyway.

 

I would not want to talk about it if it does not come up.

 

But you know what the person I cheated with is a classmate and someone I used to study with on a regular basis and I have reason to believe that he has told people in our class what happened.

 

Anyway, I live in hell in school. For that and many other reasons. Do I deserve it? probably

 

I can't wait to graduate and move somewhere else to do my residency seriously.

 

Is it a small school? The school I went to was big (30 thousand) so no one knew anything about anyone. And, I really don't want to know too much about past relationships. Just make up something vague or a white lie or something. If you're not going to cheat who cares?

[RedRobin]

I understand that many people have not changed trust me. But I can only speak for myself.

 

And yes I understand if some people decide the risk is not worth it. The person who I meet in the future who is right for me will be able to see past it and see me for who I am now.

 

... and eventually you won't label yourself as that. Other things will take precidence in your life and it will eventually become a total non-issue (as much as that annoys some people here). The whole cheating thing with my parents hasn't been a topic of discussion in over 20 years.

 

They've been faithful to each other longer than some of the people posting in this thread have been alive... so whateva.

 

Some people want to see a 'cheater' suffer for the rest of their lives. Ok, I get it. Societal shaming is one way of keeping people in line. There is some usefulness to it. But it is unproductive at some point.

 

There is a reason why the major religions promote the concept of forgiveness... because guilt and shame taken to extremes really helps noone. The point is to learn the lesson and move on. Sounds like you have. I wish you the best going forward.

[LZ2000]

I dont know I guess the question of "why did your last relationship end" always comes up.

I guess I wear my wound on my sleeve. Or did for a while anyway.

 

I would not want to talk about it if it does not come up.

 

But you know what the person I cheated with is a classmate and someone I used to study with on a regular basis and I have reason to believe that he has told people in our class what happened.

 

Anyway, I live in hell in school. For that and many other reasons. Do I deserve it? probably

 

I can't wait to graduate and move somewhere else to do my residency seriously.

 

There will always be some things in life that one would do, which the end results may be more painful to bear.

 

But this world is full of mistakes and poor choices, ultimately because of many imperfections that we as human beings possess. Be it lack of wisdom, lack of foresight, so on and so forth.

 

This world is increasingly becoming more individualistic and unforgiving. In spite of this, I do believe that if we give ourselves a chance, we would grow from all of the personal circumstances that we face which are unideal.

 

So, eleanor, just keep on doing what you should in your institute of learning and continue to be at your best. Cheers.

[RedRobin]

But you know what the person I cheated with is a classmate and someone I used to study with on a regular basis and I have reason to believe that he has told people in our class what happened.

 

If he's telling people, that makes him a dumbass. Well, unless he felt bad about things too, and is trying to make amends somehow. Seems like the honorable thing to do would be for him to apologize to your boyfriend too.

 

If he knew you had a boyfriend, he should have taken some responsibility for his man parts too. He should be accepting responsibility for his role in things.

[eleanorhurting]

If he's telling people, that makes him a dumbass. Well, unless he felt bad about things too, and is trying to make amends somehow. Seems like the honorable thing to do would be for him to apologize to your boyfriend too.

 

If he knew you had a boyfriend, he should have taken some responsibility for his man parts too. He should be accepting responsibility for his role in things.

 

 

Lol we did not actually have sex but i know what you mean. And no, he never apologized to my boyfriend.

 

When everything happened I cut off all communication with him because I thought I could fix things with my boyfriend. That obviously did not happen. The few times we have talked since, he blamed me for the whole thing and basically called me a whore. Then he always apologizes and I try to be civil but he always ends up hitting on me again and when it does not work he just goes back to insulting me.

 

Sooo I really try to keep my distance from him at all costs... its just not worth it.

 

He says he misses me and he is hurt that I have kicked him out of my life as we were great friends but i have explained to him that the whole process was just too painful and I can't risk him pursuing me romantically again to later bring up the whole thing when it does not work out.

 

and lets not even get into the facebook notes/statuses that I have had to endure...

 

Oh and him talking to someone who showed interest in me sometime last year and telling him that I had broken his heart and to be careful with me.

Edited March 4, 2012 by eleanorhurting

[ffw]

How can it be said with certainty that it won't happen again since the person who past cheated hasn't even had the decency nor the respect to tell their new partner that they cheated on their ex or exes?

 

If by God that past cheater was actually remorseful for their actions and decided that they were going to be honest for the rest of their lives, it's only logical to assume that they would disclose that piece of sensitive information to their potential partner.

 

The fact that he/she did not disclose that information to their new partner makes me question how sincere and honest they are with themselves and their partner they lied to by omission, and where their motives lie. Those cheaters who never disclosed that info probably knew that their chances of getting someone new in the dating world (knowing cheating is generally unacceptable there) were close to zero so they kept a poker face and decided to leave out that crucial piece of intel that could change the entire fate of their new relationship. By keeping that out, and giving a false impression to their new partner that they're not a cheater and they're all about keeping their legs closed, they can use that to cheat again on their unsuspecting partner.

 

Your want to win from both sides; you want both heads & tails. On one hand, you are saying if the person doesn't inform you about the past, then you will have a hard time believing her. On the contrary, even if they does, you believe a cheater will always be a cheater irrespective of the circumstances. Choose your side?

 

Following your latter statement, it will be difficult for a new person in your life to confess the truth.

[ffw]

Lol we did not actually have sex but i know what you mean. And no, he never apologized to my boyfriend.

 

When everything happened I cut off all communication with him because I thought I could fix things with my boyfriend. That obviously did not happen. The few times we have talked since, he blamed me for the whole thing and basically called me a whore. Then he always apologizes and I try to be civil but he always ends up hitting on me again and when it does not work he just goes back to insulting me.

 

Sooo I really try to keep my distance from him at all costs... its just not worth it.

 

He says he misses me and he is hurt that I have kicked him out of my life as we were great friends but i have explained to him that the whole process was just too painful and I can't risk him pursuing me romantically again to later bring up the whole thing when it does not work out.

 

and lets not even get into the facebook notes/statuses that I have had to endure...

 

Oh and him talking to someone who showed interest in me sometime last year and telling him that I had broken his heart and to be careful with me.

 

 

Even if you started a relationship with him, down the line, he could have released what you did with your ex; could happen with him too. This is due to the fact that he was the third person in your picture. On the other hand, if you are with a new person & could understand your circumstances then probabily end result could be different.

[RedRobin]

Lol we did not actually have sex but i know what you mean. And no, he never apologized to my boyfriend.

 

When everything happened I cut off all communication with him because I thought I could fix things with my boyfriend. That obviously did not happen. The few times we have talked since, he blamed me for the whole thing and basically called me a whore. Then he always apologizes and I try to be civil but he always ends up hitting on me again and when it does not work he just goes back to insulting me.

 

Sooo I really try to keep my distance from him at all costs... its just not worth it.

 

He says he misses me and he is hurt that I have kicked him out of my life as we were great friends but i have explained to him that the whole process was just too painful and I can't risk him pursuing me romantically again to later bring up the whole thing when it does not work out.

 

and lets not even get into the facebook notes/statuses that I have had to endure...

 

Oh and him talking to someone who showed interest in me sometime last year and telling him that I had broken his heart and to be careful with me.

 

We are probably going a bit off topic here. I think there is another location on LS to discuss 'cheating'.

 

I'm thinking most people here, when talking about cheating, are talking about sex with another person who is not your partner. Now, I don't want to be nit-picky (cause every relationship defines what it is to betray).

 

That said, I'd be very careful to define exactly what you think was cheating.

 

FYI... he wasn't your friend. Friends don't let friends 'cheat'. If he really cared about you (and himself) he wouldn't have gone along either.

[zengirl]

To answer the OP: maybe. Hubby has never cheated, and neither have I, but I have a dated man who's cheated before. He didn't cheat on me, nor was he a chronic cheater. He'd cheated once, when young and wanting out of a relationship and stupid and awful, and he learned from it, and life went on. He's had several LTRs since then, and he's never cheated. I do not think "once a cheater, always a cheater" in all situations.

 

However, I would never have dated a perpetual cheater---the kind of man who cheats because monogamy itself is difficult for him or who cheats habitually. Wouldn't advise any man date that kind of woman either.

 

But let's not pretend that everyone who cheats has some sort of "cheating problem." Sometimes they just ****ed up. If they learned from it and learned NOT to cheat, then what's the issue? I've never cheated, but I've made many bad choices in my life. Show me someone of any reasonable age who hasn't, and $10 says they're lying. Let's not throw stones is all I'm saying.

 

Be honest everyone:

 

Do you seriously think that i am never going to find love again because I cheated in the past?

 

Because if that is what you feel I am just not going to post here anymore asking for advice with the men I meet. What is the point if the majority of them are going to kick me to the curb once I disclose my big scarlet letter?

 

I think it's unlikely that this issue will haunt you for the rest of your life. You're a smart, accomplished (it says 3rd year Med School on your profile), pretty girl, EH. I think you'll find many, many men who want to date you, especially if you have learned your lessons and regret the mistakes you've made.

[stoneymirror]

Cheaters / sexual thrill seekers don't change much. I think its an emotional disconnection they have for people and an obvious selfishness that disregards all others feelings. what's worse is that its habitual, and as a result its hard to break. Thrill seekers, DRD4 gene, or whatever way you look at it, my opinion is that people don't change much. Don't expect someone with a cheating history as someone who deserves any real credibility. Know the truth, if the person lies to you, deviates or changes stories, or does things to question their commitment I'd seriously consider leaving the relationship. These people have issues and they are just bringing them into your life carelessly as they left the last relationship. Do not think for one second these people to be honest, if they fool others don't expect to be treated any differently. It comes down to morals and lessons learned. Analyze the situation, determine if it's something you can live with and move on. Unfortunately I think 9 out of 10 times people would rather walk and not deal with this sort of fear. Longterm relationships will definitely be difficult for these individuals, best hope is to find someone who's accepting and can deal with it. Most people get jealous so I think its far a few between. Hope this helps