shayla Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Absolutely not. My ex has cheated on every single woman he's ever had, including the one he left me for. I will never get involved with another cheater again.
RedRobin Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 (edited) Absolutely not. My ex has cheated on every single woman he's ever had, including the one he left me for. I will never get involved with another cheater again. You mean, you helped him cheat on his former girlfriend? I'm confused. Yes, I would never knowingly enter a relationship with someone who already had a girlfriend or wife. I'm VERY picky when it comes to overlap of any kind, to be honest. I've refused to go out with men who I thought were overly flirty and then found out they were dating someone else when they were trying to get with me. That's how much I stay away from people who need to get a back up plan going... Edited March 3, 2012 by RedRobin
HeartOnSleeve Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 In your case....HELL NO. Otherwise if I considered dated someone that cheated I would want to know details...like why they cheated etc.
ScienceGal Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 You mean, you helped him cheat on his former girlfriend? I'm confused. Yes, I would never knowingly enter a relationship with someone who already had a girlfriend or wife. I'm VERY picky when it comes to overlap of any kind, to be honest. I've refused to go out with men who I thought were overly flirty and then found out they were dating someone else when they were trying to get with me. That's how much I stay away from people who need to get a back up plan going... I think he cheated on women before her, then cheated on her, and then cheated on the woman after her... the pattern continues.
RedRobin Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 ah, ok. Well, that would suck. I usually don't ask questions about things people tend to lie about and can't be verified. Like if they cheated before. I dated a man briefly who claimed his ex-wife cheated on him... but then I find out he was gone all of the time... for YEARS to raise their child alone... basically abandoned her. I'm not saying it was right for his wife to cheat. But, there are two sides to the story. 10 years later, she is still married to the same guy she left him for. He, on the other hand, seems to still be living life like a swingin' bachelor. Hmm... Something doesn't quite add up. The guy claiming his wife cheated on him also had a bit of a drinking problem... so you can see how things aren't exactly black and white ya know. These are habits you can only observe over time. As I always say, "there is his side, her side, and then there is the truth"
eleanorhurting Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 (edited) Really? You mean they broke up with the people they destroyed and then latched up with a new partner who doesn't know about their "past?" Everyone has a past. Everyone has things they are not proud of. What is important is what you did with those mistakes. Just because someone cheated on somebody once it does not make them a "cheater" for life. and why do you say they "latched on"? Could it be that they learned from their mistake and eventually were able to move on with their life? Edited March 4, 2012 by eleanorhurting
dasein Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 No, after much looking the other way about past cheating in life because "at least they were honest about it and could have changed," and the wrecks that ensued, I won't date anyone with any history of cheating on an exclusive relationship.
eleanorhurting Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 But see cheating is not a "mistake," and it's pretty silly when folks use that word out of it's context. Yes it does, and I don't know why you put the word "cheater" in quotation, as if it doesn't belong there. The meaning of cheating is where one sneaks behind their partner's back to freak with someone else. That word belongs. Latching on is the "speciality" of cheaters, especially wayward wives. They grasp onto another branch when they see that the one they're currently hanging on is getting old. Again cheating is not a mistake. See this is where you are wrong. You are generalizing. You can't say that is what happens every single time. When it happened to me I did not "latch" onto the person who I cheated with. I told both parties that what happened was a terrible mistake and I cut off contact with both of them completely and I still to this day do not talk to either of them on anything other than a "hello" when I see them. They both deserve a chance to move on with their lives. And so do I. And you are right cheating is not a mistake it is a series of mistakes. But people make mistakes and people can come back from them. If you believe that having cheated on someone makes you a cheater for life then that is your opinion and you are entitled to it. Based on the answers on this forum, I obviously am very limited in my choice of future partners (as if I was not already) because I do not want to marry someone who when we are 70 looks at me like I have some sort of disease that will not go away because of something I did when i was 23. So many people on here told me I seem like a nice sweet caring girl. Are you all going to change your mind now that you know something about my past that is not so pleasant? Could it be that I am nice sweet and caring and a better human being now because it happened and I grew from it?
Woggle Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I would rather a woman show genuine remorse like you instead of excusing it because they say men do it all the time and it's time to turn the tables or blaming their ex but I must be honest that I would still be a bit afraid.
eleanorhurting Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I would rather a woman show genuine remorse like you instead of excusing it because they say men do it all the time and it's time to turn the tables or blaming their ex but I must be honest that I would still be a bit afraid. I guess my therapist was lying to me when she told me I was being irrational in thinking that no one would ever love me because of what happened lol Or I can just date someone else who cheated in the past and grew from it also, since I do believe they exist
setsenia Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 Like all the other posters, I had my answer right after reading the title. No.
betterdeal Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I would. Whether or not it gets serious and monogamous would depend on what happens during our relationship, not on what happened in the past. 1
Damia Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 My xH is a repeat cheat his affair partner G/F keeps him on a leash about half a meter long Ya no ,I don't think she trusts him! Nope I will never date a cheat
RedRobin Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I guess my therapist was lying to me when she told me I was being irrational in thinking that no one would ever love me because of what happened lol Or I can just date someone else who cheated in the past and grew from it also, since I do believe they exist Eleanor... The people who are the most judgemental about other people's failings often have the most to hide themselves. You'll see. Cheating is such a common thing, that it is an easy thing for people to latch onto... and it is easy to generalize that if someone lied about something big then they must be (fill in the blanks) doing other things. To everyone else... I noticed that noone answered my other questions... I realize that wasn't the original question... but it does point to other bad choices people make in their lives. I consider a past history of a DUI or unprotected sex a bigger deal breaker than if they cheated in the past and showed personal responsibility. Anger issues and a history of violence are bigger deal breakers too. DUI's and unprotected sex lead to people dying. Anger issues and violence have daily negative consequences. In other words, there are lots of ways to be an a-hole in a relationship or in life. Cheating is just one of many. Oh, and for anyone who might wonder... yes, I've been cheated on, and badly. I've never 'cheated'. Life is about how you deal with betrayal. Finding love is about accepting risk. Only the youngin's here think they can move through life without any or are deluded into thinking they don't have any issues that would cause another person pause. So what if you never cheated. If you are a pompous, judgemental jerk riding your moral high-horse, I wouldn't be with you either.
fortyninethousand322 Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 Historical cheating and present cheating are the same in my eyes: I care about neither one. 1
carhill Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 Really? You mean they broke up with the people they destroyed and then latched up with a new partner who doesn't know about their "past?" I have no idea what anyone 'knows', only what I observe to be the health of the relationship, and gather those data points from people I know personally and from women who have personally told me they've had affairs.. I leave science to scientists.
carhill Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 It does to me. You're entitled to your interpretation and our discussion of said interpretation is off-topic. Care to continue? 1
RedRobin Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 here's a data point for you. Both of my parents 'cheated' on each other during a particularly difficult time in their long marriage. They were honest with each other and they worked to solve the underlying issues. They are very happy now. They have been faithful to each other for over 30 years of their 48 year marriage. Their experience is not unique. They were married at the tender age of 20 and 21, so I suppose some could argue they were married too young. I dunno. They bought their first car together, their first home together, traveled across the country together, and of course... raised two children together. They had to deal with one form of betrayal (among many possible). All I can say is that I'm sincerely grateful they didn't throw in the towel when so many others would prefer to just stop trying. I'm glad I can call them on the weekends and talk to both of them... among the many small joys I have with them together. And we have this because they both chose to love a 'cheater'...
carhill Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 To my knowledge the woman who left my dad to be with another man while he was in Italy during WW2 went on to have a life-long marriage, just as my father's second marriage to my mother was. I would presume 'leaving him' while on the field of battle is 'cheating', since he found out through a 'dear John letter' (which I have) later and the observation of her M through the contact I had with my half-sister when younger. So, even back in the 40's and 50's, people cheated and went on to have meaningful relationships and families and, for some, long marriages. Some are men; some are women. If such history, if/when disclosed or discovered, eliminates them as a potential for a particular person, it does. People are entitled to whatever preferences and requirements they choose in a romantic partner. Not wanting to date or be involved with someone who's been unfaithful is a valid perspective, one of many.
carhill Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 Nothing we talked about is off-topic, since considering it is about cheaters. Good day to you, sir. You're nit-picking my words, and I won't have it. Keep that in mind for the future. Feel free to post strong opinions about why you will or won't date a cheater. That's the topic. Anything else and you'll be reported. Straight up
salparadise Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I guess my therapist was lying to me when she told me I was being irrational in thinking that no one would ever love me because of what happened. Or I can just date someone else who cheated in the past and grew from it also, since I do believe they exist Eleanor... The people who are the most judgemental about other people's failings often have the most to hide themselves. You'll see. [...] Finding love is about accepting risk. Only the youngin's here think they can move through life without any or are deluded into thinking they don't have any issues that would cause another person pause. So what if you never cheated. If you are a pompous, judgemental jerk riding your moral high-horse, I wouldn't be with you either. Eleanor and RedRobin, I think you are wise ladies. Life is more complicated than we can imagine, people and relationships are complicated. Intersections of time and space occur once, and we are not destined to repeat mistakes of the past. People who answer with absolute NO are trying to protect themselves from their fear of uncertainty. They limiting possibilities for the future based on, perhaps one data point, sweeping irrational generalizations, and their fears––it's all or nothing, black and white thinking. Obviously, you'd be doing yourself harm to get involved with a serial cheater, liar, abuser, or someone who is disingenuous at the core and has an inherent predisposition toward such behavior. They are out there of course, but not every person who has made a mistake in their life falls into that category, just as not everyone who has never cheated is automatically a person of integrity.
eleanorhurting Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 Nobody said anything about you when you are 70 years old. Besides, I highly doubt you'll be dating around that age. Equating bad things with nice and sweet is bad for business. Yes it is what you are saying. When you saying that I am a cheater for life because i cheated in the past and that my past behavior equates my future behavior, you are implying that If I now get married and widow when I am in my 60s and I meet someone after my husband, I would still be a cheater and to your standards "undateable" because of my cheating when I was 23 even if I never cheated during my marriage. And p.s. people can find love at any moment in their lives! Just because someone is a senior citizen it does not mean that they don't date!
Woggle Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 If you truly have changed then good for you but I have a hard enough time with trust issues as it is without that big red flag. I want to ask an honest question and please don't be offended. If he forgave you and took you back would you have never cheated again?
grkBoy Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 would you guys date someone with a history of cheating? No. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I firmly believe if you have it in you to cross that line, then you will have no issue doing it again. Those who never cross that line are mainly held to a morality that they should not betray others. 2
ffw Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 Looking from a different prospective, people date others who have cheated & it's never been disclosed. So, how can it be said with certainty that it will always happen again if you don't know even know it happened once? I realize you're asking if you'd knowingly date a cheater, but with that comes the preconception/assumption that they will always do it again. I'm sure there are people out there who have never disclosed they have cheated and go on to have relationships where it's never happened again. Would I date someone who I knew had cheated in their past? Possibly. I'd have to know the person and the circumstances and trust myself enough to determine if they were trustworthy in my own situation.
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