Samara11 Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Hello everyone! I'm really upset over a fairly complicated situation with one of my best friends. I'll start with a brief background: this friend is male (I'm female), 30 years old, single, emotionally disturbed to a degree (depression, takes meds on and off.. low self-esteem, unhealthy relationships.) We've been best friends for 5 years. When I first met him, we spent every weekend together, had weekly lunches, went Salsa dancing, hung out and watched movies, stayed in constant contact (texting, msn, Gchat, etc). We vented to each other a lot. He was there for me, I was there for him. However, he never approved of my boyfriend, who I met shortly after I met him. He always told me that I could "do better", and that I was making a mistake by staying with my boyfriend. I made the mistake of frequently venting to my friend everytime my boyfriend and I had an argument, or when I was upset for some reason.. I think this biased my friend's view on my boyfriend. In any case, this friendship slowly became dependent and unhealthy. This friend and I texted each other many times per day, and we talked a lot.. More than most people in healthy friendships talk. My friend has a tendency to be depressed, take meds, and then go off of them. He's been in and out of therapy, as well. He also has a pattern of getting into unstable, stormy relationships with younger women, which always end badly. Our friendship was based on sharing our misery, and focusing on negative aspects of life. About 1 month ago, my boyfriend proposed to me, and we got engaged. I was extremely excited and happy, so I told my friend. His response was "that's weird..". There was no "congratulations" or any sign of happiness. He later texted me that he was unable to be happy for me because he does not think our relationship/marriage will work out AND he's the "only single person" left and he was feeling sorry for himself. I thought this was incredibly selfish, and I got angry. After a few days, I decided to end the friendship. I realized that this friend is a very self-centered person.. so much so, that he was unable to be happy for me. He's also an emotionally unstable person, and I was tired of being the one to always build him up, and make him feel better... This was MY turn.. my turn to be happy and if he was unable to share the joy, what kind of friend was he? This was about a month ago.. Since I ended the friendship, I have been feeling awful. I'm wondering if I made a mistake.. I miss him, and all the good times we had together. I feel like I broke up (as in a romantic relationship). We share all of the same friends, and I've been avoiding parties/get togethers because I know he will be there. It's hurting my social life.. How do you know if it's the right decision to end a friendship? What if I was too quick to cut him off? If anyone has any advice, I'd greatly appreciate it. Sorry this was so long.
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 You don't see it? The guy loves you..or is in love with you. You are all he has and now the boyfriend came along, stole your time from him. Throw in the fact he is depressed and at times not thinking clearly and processes things differently than someone who isn't mentally ill - He is reacting out of pain, some jealously and feeling left out of your life. Yes, it's wrong of him to say things that aren't supportive, but in this case it's obvious he has feelings for you and can't handle seeing you with someone else. Don't reach out to him.. Maybe somewhere in the future when you're less emotional about this, but not now. He is hurting too and it's probably easier for him to not hear from you since you ended the friendship. He needs to heal as well.
The Outlaw Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 You only end a relationship of any sort if it's gotten really unhealthy. He was your friend for five years, you got a boyfriend, got engaged, and things were looking up for you, but just not him. He's more than likely envious of the whole situation, and as already pointed out, he loves you or is in love with you. I'm not saying you should brea off your engagement to your fiancee or anything, but after so much time together, he may have thought the two of you were a perfect match. He lifted you up as you did him. He isn't happy about the whole situation, and really didn't have any right to judge your relationship the way he did, but only wanted what was best for you. People that are friends or care for another generally do.
Author Samara11 Posted March 4, 2012 Author Posted March 4, 2012 Thank you very much for your replies, you guys! It's funny you point out that my friend is "in love" with me or loves me.. This was my theory for a while... In the beginning of our friendship, I asked him if he'd ever date me, and he said "no," because we only have friend chemistry.. He was never interested in me romantically.. I think the situation comes across as him being in love with me, but I doubt he has any romantic feelings for me. However, whichwayisup, you are definitely right about him being in pain, jealous and feeling left out.. I know this is true, and I feel bad about it. However, my main point was that I expect him, being my best friend and all, to be able to put aside his own feelings and on some level be happy for me... It was very hurtful that he was unable to do this. I guess perhaps I was being too harsh.. I don't know. I hate ending friendships, but I've had to do it on several occasions. I was just really unsure of whether to just let this one be, or if I should try to initiate contact in a few months from now, perhaps.
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 It may not be sexual, but he IS emotionally attached to you and involved. He cares about you. That is obvious. Also, seeing as he has depression he may not process 'sexual and love' feelings the way a more normal thinking person would. I hope that makes sense. Honestly, I wouldn't try a friendship with him unless you are 100% sure you want it and can handle it. And know, it won't ever be the same as it once was. Do you truly miss him, care about him as a person or do you miss having someone who was there for you whenever you needed/wanted? Don't read into this or take it out of context, but how much of contacting him in the future is because of your needs and wants vs what is best for him? Just something to think about.. 1
The Outlaw Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 Some people can't easily confront what or how they feel about a person in general. It's never easy because the risk of rejection is ALWAYS present, so, they chose to either hide it or say nothing. That being said, that maybe why he didn't say anything about it at all.
Author Samara11 Posted March 4, 2012 Author Posted March 4, 2012 whichwayisup, you raise a very good point... I can tell you that I most definitely care about my friend as a person, and I have love for him. I also miss his companionship, and going out to lunch, hanging out, etc.. I think I am actually happier not having the daily, obsessive, negative contact that we had for so long though... I feel like it's unnatural to NOT have him in my life.. But at the same time, what he said/did was very hurtful, and I cannot forgive him yet. I continue to ask myself if I could have handled this situation differently, or if I was being too harsh to end the friendship, especially because he is a person who is "not all there" emotionally/mentally.
Author Samara11 Posted March 19, 2012 Author Posted March 19, 2012 I want to add another dimension to this situation.. A couple of days ago, a mutual friend of ours had a birthday party, and I promised her I'd go, so I did. I knew that my ex-friend (the one described above) would be there, but I figured it would be OK. Before the party, I texted him "I don't know if you are going to be at the party, but if you are, I'd appreciate it if we could be cordial with each other. Thanks." He wrote back, "okay, no problem." At the dinner, he completely ignored me. It was as if I was invisible. When I tried to make eye contact/smile/say hi, he wouldn't look at me. When we were done with dinner and standing outside in a small group, he purposely turned his back toward me, and basically his entire body away from me. I was incredibly hurt.. I was hoping that since we agreed to be cordial, that he would be willing to AT LEAST say "hi". My other friend who was there said it was incredibly awkward, and he could tell that it was tense. I just felt really horrible after this encounter. It has been one month since our fight, and I felt that as mature adults, we could have been cordial to one another. I can't even explain how much it hurts to have someone you loved and cared about act as if you don't exist.. I don't think I've felt pain like that in a long time. I really don't know what to do. I decided to stop attending social events that I know he will be attending.. I feel like I am not emotionally ready to deal with it again. Does anyone have any advice on this? We live in the same city, and share lots of the same friends.. It seems as though he's treating this like a romantic breakup.. my friend whose birthday it was agreed.
The Outlaw Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 I don't know if this will really help you or not, but the best thing you can do is to cut contact with him completely. I know it's easier said than done and will be difficult, I've done it before myself, but he's only hurting you. I don't know if it helps or not but try to focus on the brighter things in your life
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 It is what it is. Remember, you ended the friendship with him. He's hurting too and ignoring you is his way of dealing with this. Put yourself in his shoes, say he ended the friendship, you didn't see it coming either and you were in love or very attached to him.. I'm sure it wouldn't be nice or uncomfortable either. Don't forget too, he has issues and probably can't deal with this so for him, it was easier to avoid you all night. Next time don't give him a heads up.
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 It seems as though he's treating this like a romantic breakup.. my friend whose birthday it was agreed. To him, it was. To you, it wasn't. You saw him as a good friend you cared about, he saw you as his love, someone he fell for. You two are on two different playing fields when it comes to this. Don't avoid going to places where you might run into him.. If he feels weird, he can stop going. Ask your friends to stay out of it and don't choose between you and him. 2
bikinibeach Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 How someone proposed to you when you are this emotionally and unhealthily involved with another man, I do not know. WHy you would want to be "friends" with someone who is an enemy of your relationship to someone you are marrying, again, I do not know. This "relationship" was unhealthy from the start and has only continued to be so. You need counseling. And to ditch your toxic friend. If you have a guy who put with all of this you should damn well marry him.....or wonder why he didn't seem to care? gross
Author Samara11 Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 Bikini Beach.... I am aware that the friendship was unhealthy, which is why I ended it. I don't know why that means that I need counseling, and why it's "gross..." I never crossed any lines when I was friends with this person. It was always clear from the beginning that we were only friends, and we were platonic. I don't know why everyone here is jumping to the conclusion that my ex-friend was "in love" with me.. People in my real life don't think that's the case. It IS possible to be emotionally involved to an unhealthy degree, but not be IN LOVE.. I think this is what happened with us. I'd really appreciate it if you would not jump to conclusions. It seems that you didn't read my whole story.
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