setsenia Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 (edited) I've had it with my brother. I was iffy on having him stay here for a week and now I remember why. The last few days he has done nothing but whine about how late we leave for work (it's not like he drives), how many methods I use for birth control amongs many other things. For a guy who's almost 27, he is very immature. He has no boundaries, invites people over wherever he stays without asking. Invites himself places without asking and etc. For the longest time, he has liked to dive into our business about my husband's trust. My husband's father died when he was 16 to have that trust, have some f-ing respect. I know my husband would much rather have his father alive than to have a trust. His father is the one who raised and cared for him when his mom was unavailable. My brother likes to make snide remarks that we wouldn't know how to pay bills on our own without the trust paying our rent and so on. This is coming from a 27 year old man on a family cell phone plan with my mom and aunt. He bitches and moans about paying his $40 part of the cell phone bill. Yet he has some nerve to lecture us about our bills? Anytime we buy something of leisure he antagonizes us saying we aren't being practical about how we spend our money and that I'm taking my husband's money. I knew I didn't want him staying here for a week for a reason. Ugh, I am just so fed up with all of this that I want to move far away, far away where our rent is half as much and away from all the family drama. I am sick and tired of my brother bringing up my husband's trust like we are loaded snobs. He doesn't give any thought about how my husband got that money. We are very, very far from being rich. Edited March 3, 2012 by setsenia
2sunny Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 You seem to have a lot of threads with family issues. Have you ever considered not having contact with them for 6 months or so?
Author setsenia Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 (edited) It's mostly my brother that's the issue. I already don't see my dad too often, we each go about our lives. But since my brother doesn't work or go to school at the moment, he's always pestering us about "hanging out" with him. He got my husband the job for a week, so we hesitantly agreed to let him stay here since he has a psychological issue with driving because of anxiety. But this was the last straw. I've tried to distance myself from relatives but it somehow fails to happen. My husband hasn't set his foot down about doing favors for my brother until recently. (it is his car, but sometimes my money since he is looking for work). Regardless of helping my husband get the job, it gives him no right to act like an ass. He's definitely worn out his welcome staying here anytime soon. Now I know why his girlfriend's family kicks him out from time to time. My brother has a lot of double standards, tells us about money and then he leeches off his family and gives my mom a difficult time about paying his one cell phone bill. He refuses to apply for unemployment because he thinks it's "leeching off the government". But it's totally okay to leech off of his family. Edited March 3, 2012 by setsenia
denise_xo Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 You seem to have a lot of threads with family issues. Have you ever considered not having contact with them for 6 months or so? This was my reaction, too.
Ross MwcFan Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 He sounds like a complete *******. You shouldn't have let him stay in the first place. Brother or not, I would not have anything to do with someone like that. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Time to give the boot. Sounds like you have "the plague of locusts" family too. They are never around unless they need something, or to be weird and manipulative. They stick together in their nuttiness, and then when they do come: they devour everything and they are very hard to get rid of. You may have to move fields LOL. I found enforcing boundaries etc. Was such a bitch with my family because as soon as they saw a wall, they'd take a jackhammer to it. There's something so deeply, strangely insecure about the whole thing: if they can't mess with your mind or self-esteem, they want nothing to do with you. Total blackout rejection. The only way I found to get around it was moving accrued the country. I was not in easy reach (they still came out and brought their drama to my daughter's birth). We restricted access to them during the delivery and only brief points during the 3 day labour. Ugh. Now that I am back, I live a dozen blocks away. The only time that they have visited was once my father came over to threaten to break the windshield in my car instead of let my husband drive away when he was trying to "talk" to him and another time where my father and husband called the police on each other because my father wanted inside and wouldn't leave. Messed up. Other than that, nothing to do with me. No phone calls. No invites to my brother or sisters birthday, despite bringing them gifts. Cut em off for a bit. Yes they'll talk. But they'll run out of things to say. No new material. Then you can set some boundaries. 2
Author setsenia Posted March 4, 2012 Author Posted March 4, 2012 Well, I've tried limiting my contact and have been successful. It's my husband that was having a difficult time being firm and putting his foot down about all the favor asking. My brother scheduled an appointment last Monday and no matter how many times we said no, he kept this appointment. And in person, when I confront him about the issue, my husband immediately says "it's fine" because my brother offered gas money. This was after my husband was adamant about not doing it at home, but then in person says it's fine, making me look like an idiot. My brother made another appointment for this Monday, again, (last day of their temporary job) and I told my husband he should have asked my brother how he's getting there (hint hint). And if my brother asked for a ride, that's when he says no. But he lets my brother make this appointment and won't say anything until last minute. I told H he needs to say no right away. Especially after how he acted this past week. No more staying over, no more favors, PERIOD. I'm setting the foot down and told my H he needs to respect that I am setting boundaries with my family. So I guess that's my answer to that question. I'm working hard on the boundaries, but my husband brings them down, feeling sorry for my brother as a friend. It's great they get along, but this is too much. I know my brother has some mental issues he's getting treatment for, but that's no excuse to be a dick. I told my husband he absolutely better not take him to any appointments after work on Monday!
donnamaybe Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I thought your H couldn't afford a ticket to the movies.
Author setsenia Posted March 4, 2012 Author Posted March 4, 2012 (edited) He can't. He only has savings for basic living expenses. Movie tickets don't qualify, lol. Edited March 4, 2012 by setsenia
donnamaybe Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 He has living expenses paid for but can't but a movie ticket? In any event, your brother should be thanking the two of you for the roof over his head and mind his own business.
Tayla Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 It takes Open communication skills, assertive comments and the Modifying behavior to work thru Adult matters. He needs to "filter" his "opinions". As an outsider, its important to "acknowledge" both sides. Him for Perceiving the Trust as a Hand up...and you for acknowledging it as such. No harm no foul ...Where the line gets drawn though is its ZERO his business how your spouse and you rely on this to aid in your current residency. He needs to cease such double talk. And it can be relayed point blank..for that too deserves acknowledgement on his part. I'd show him the door and the Unwelcome Matt until he can prove himself worthy of being a caring family member. 1
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2sunny Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Your husband is now the one betraying you by saying yes to your brother when you asked him to stick with no - as a standard answer. Maybe your husband would benefit by moving away with your brother... Since that is where his loyalty lies. Since you don't stand firm on consequences - you allow people to run all over you. They don't take you seriously. That is only your fault.
Author setsenia Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Good point, although I'm not sure how you provide consequences for an adult. I have recently restricted money to my single account, that way my H will need to consult me before giving him money. If it's for gas, I give him enough to get me to work. If my brother needs a ride, he'll have to put in gas, as simple as that. Other than that, I can't really control his actions.
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