futuremom Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 My boyfriend and I have have been dating for about six months now, and living together for two. It's always been an...odd relationship. He's from a wealthy catholic family, although he says he doesn't hold the faith himself, and he shares most of their (very conservative) opinions, including mild anti-gay sentiments. He's always been a really strange guy to date--overly macho and egotistical, but not large in any sense of the word. He's very self-conscious and has a problem with telling the truth most of the time--I knew from the start he probably had a compulsive lying problem but it wasn't malicious or a problem at first so I let it go and ignored it. Everything was lovely until we moved in together--then it got weird. Although his job has always called for weird, awful hours, suddenly it seemed awful convenient how he'd have to go to work when he did something bad and I got mad at him. And while he'd had trouble keeping it up sometimes before during sex, he'd always wanted to--but when we moved in and could do it as much as I, at least, wanted, he suddenly only wants to have sex once a week max. He literally barely even touches me. Have I mentioned we're 20 years old?! More recently, I had some issues with my hair, so I had to get it cut short...very short. Boy short. He loves it and cannot stop touching it, and he's been touching ME more too. But he left his phone behind today when he went to work, and since I feel like there's always some untruth he's hiding from me, I did a little snooping (just reading his text messages). After finding a text from a girl's name I didn't know, I went onto his facebook to see if they were friends. Not finding her, I looked to see if they exchanged messages, which is when I found a message dated 3 years ago between a male friend of his along the lines of "We're officially going out, yay!" And then "I'm catholic and I can't do this...I want a wife and kids one day." While I knew he was hiding things from me, and I'd jokingly teased him about being gay before, he's adamantly denied he's ever liked men and I never really thought it was anything like this. This is absolute proof that he was at least bisexual three years ago and I am at a loss of what to do. While I am not catholic, nor even religious, I believe very strongly in only getting married once. I want very much to get married, but I believe it is an unbreakable promise, and I don't want to get 20 or 30 years down the road only for him to say "I can't do this anymore. I'm gay." I wouldn't have a problem dating/marrying a bisexual person (I'm bi myself) but can I really even have a "relationship" with someone who's gay that isn't a friendship of somekind? Doesn't his being unattracted to me kind of mean we CAN'T be in a relationship? The worse part is, I'll never get him to admit it, even if I DO confront him. He'll either get really angry and deny it or have some barely plausible but technically disprovable explanation, like he does for everything I call him on/yell at him for. And he's already talking about marriage--something I could be on board with if I could trust him, but as it is, it's a hell freaking no because I'm not wasting my one and only marriage on a guy who can't even fake being attracted to me that well, and when I call him on it he just says he's "not used to expressing emotions" and okay I'm rambling now I'm sorry but what should I do? Our lease isn't up until July, and neither one of us can afford an apartment on our own. I have no place else to stay (I do mean NO PLACE ELSE I've looked) and the lease and bills are in both of our names. What should I do?
stillafool Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 It certainly sounds like he is from those messages. I can tell you that if you are age 20, single, without kids and he's having problems in the bedroom; imagine being 30, married, with kids, mortgage and bills, what that does to a couples sex life. Now is the time you guys should be going at it like rabbits. I would break up with him if I were sure he was gay. You are exposing yourself to certain diseases by staying.
Author futuremom Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 Well okay but break up with him and then what? Continue living with him? I tried that with an ex of mine, and believe me, IT DOES NOT WORK! It only exacerbates the problem. I have nowhere to go if I do leave.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Do you have a job? Sounds like he is gay, but no point in confronting him. I don't think he'll fess up. Do you want to spend your life being a beard? The sex issues and compulsive lying alone would be enough to say goodbye over, in any case. You can easily find a temporary room from Craigslist or couchsurfers.com. No place to stay is never a good reason to stay in a bad relationship.
make me believe Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Well if he's gay I don't see why you couldn't continue to live together as friends/roommates. Unless he'll be so pissed that you dumped him that he refuses to live together.... idk. But you need to break up with him. You can always get another roommate. It doesn't have to be somebody that you know already, just go on roommates.com or whatever and find somebody that you click with. And in the future.....might I recommend NOT moving in with somebody after only a few months? Especially since you're only 20 years old. Living together after four months is a horrible idea. You also need to learn not to ignore HUGE red flags like compulsive lying! It doesn't matter if the lies are malicious or not. This guy gave you TONS of red flags that you willingly ignored and now you're in this sh*tty situation. Hopefully you'll take this lesson with you when the relationship ends and be a little smarter in your future relationships. 1
bolase Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I have been there, my ex boyfriend came from a strict Baha'i background and I realized he was gay even before he did, or was willing to admit to me. If the signs are strong enough, and they ARE in your case, you have to break up with him. THere are ways and means of getting accommodation elsewhere.. I mean, you don't know who he is. And he is talking bout marrying you. Scary. Does not sound like this relationship is right for you even if he turns out to be bi in my humble opinion.
Author futuremom Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 Yes, I do have a job. And I know I shouldn't have ignored the stuff...but I tried to think logically. I have a mood disorder, and sometimes my emotions get so in the way of things I block them out and try and think only rationally (a la Spock) but then you get big swings of SUPER EMOTION and then SUPER COLD LOGIC and then now I'm here. As far as moving in together...it seemed like the thing to do. We loved each other, I was living in a dining room, he was living on a couch...it seemed like a better idea to pool our money together to get a place rather than deal with ****ty living situations and avoiding sleep to spend time together. And once I'm in, I'm in--I'm kinda big on commitment , and working through problems instead of just saying "**** it, I can't take it anymore." And I think anything else I could have handled, and probably would have...I wouldn't want to do that to someone else after my previous boyfriend dumped me when I quit my job for health reasons. I think I felt like..."I'm flawed, he's flawed, but we're adults and no-one's perfect and I can make this work." I felt I had unrealistic ideals when it came to men/women and if I kept it up it would never work out for me. I had to be realistic and stop living in a fantasy world. Because everyone tells me that what I want out of life (to be a housewife and mother) is unrealistic as it is.
bolase Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 You don't sound ready to get married. And you know he is into men and hiding it from you.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Because everyone tells me that what I want out of life (to be a housewife and mother) is unrealistic as it is. When your boyfriend is a gay fellow it certainly is! You might get to be a stay at home mom in your life, but in the meanwhile, please focus on being able to rely on yourself. You'll have a lot more to bring to your future family. But break up with your gay boyfriend.
Author futuremom Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 I just confronted him, he denied everything, said his brother hacked his facebook and used to use it (again, plausible because his brother is crazy and evil and agressively bisexual) and then stopped talking, grabbed his keys, and walked outside?
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 OK - so that just leaves you with a compulsive liar, disappearing and asexual boyfriend. Does that suit you? 2
Author futuremom Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 But I'm not satisfied with that answer! Should I be? One of the biggest problems with my bipolar is that I don't know when I'm being unreasonable so I have to be careful making big decisions (breakups, engagements) until I can get on my medication. I'm so close--I have insurance now, through work, I'm just trying to wrangle a psychiatrist to prescribe my meds, but that means all this complicated stuff...anyway, I can't just go "No and this is how I feel and this is why!" Cause I will literally wake up tomorrow with a completely different opinion which is why I've been so hesitant to do anything until Medicated Me can see things clearly, and not with grandiose thinking and mercurial opinions. I was going to wait until he'd gone to and finished bootcamp and see how things stood, but with this...okay I'm sorry I'm going on a tangent. Bottom line; was his excuse acceptable? Am I being paranoid (a wicked by-product of bipolar, for the record) or reasonable? THAT is what I need to know, I think.
ascendotum Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I just confronted him, he denied everything, said his brother hacked his facebook and used to use it (again, plausible because his brother is crazy and evil and agressively bisexual) and then stopped talking, grabbed his keys, and walked outside? Now he has weirdo/evil family, great. Its plausable, though I don't know why his brother couldn't use his own FB account. Discounting what you thought was the smoking gun evidence, its still not an ideal relationship..I totally agree with stillafool's sentiments. It you got no options till July, well then stick it out till then. Its not like he's unbearable to live with. I think you should give him 'its not working lets just be friends' speech, but if you dont want to share a place with an ex then, stay quite, save money and keep your eyes open for someone new, though dont get with a new guy just for the sake of place to sleep.
Oxy Moronovich Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 You confronted yer dude? How did you expect him to respond? Did you really think he wasn't going to deny it?
Author futuremom Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 Well see here's what the other half of my brain is saying: "Why break up with him now? What good will it do?" Because I'll still have to be living here, I'll still have to do all the same things...the only thing that will come of it if I break up with him is strife and anger and god only knows what form of revenge those crazy rich bastards will come with and I'm not going through that again--like I've said, I've lived with an ex before and it was hell, and part of the reason I ended up in THIS relationship. I've confronted him, he repeated his mantra of "Notgaynotgaynotgaynotgaynotgaynotgay" we're still together, what good will come of changing that? Obviously I am neither going to A)cheat on someone I'm even in a fake relationship with or B)Close my eyes to the opportunities. In the meantime, I can save up some money, prepare myself for being single again, and most importantly, prepare for the fallout. Now, again, am I being crazy? Am I making sense with this?
kaylan Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Im positive hes bisexual. I dont know about gay...but you have to see how strong his attraction to you is as you move forward. I would have said it was possible he was experimenting in his teen years, but people who experiment usually dont date the same sex when experimenting. They usually test the waters sexually. The fact that he was able to date a dude shows hes emotionally capable of being with one in a relationship. At least thats what I gather. Hes young...and those messages were from 3 years ago when he was just some 17 year old kid still discovering his sexuality. You guys still are kids now tbh. At least from my view (Im 25). You guys are too young to be worrying about marriage. He needs to figure out who he is and you need to be understanding. Try and get him to open up. Its obvious hes conflicted because of strong internal religious convictions. Show him he can trust you. If he ends up bisexual and you can handle it, then great. If he ends being gay, then be his friend. Dont judge him or feel to hurt about your relationship ending. If he has in fact put that part of his life behind him and in straight now...well you have a lot to think about. Because I agree with you that id be scared of marrying a girl who used to date chicks, because Id be scared she'd bail on me sometimes down the road. Good luck.
Author futuremom Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 Well see and I could handle him being bi no-problem; if he likes dudes AND chicks, then it's a fidelity issue, and I trust him in that department, same as with a woman. But if he's gay...I'm not a part of that. There's no way I could ever change that, and I know that. And probably the only thing that is going to get him to open up to me is time, because I've tried everything else. But I'm bad at that and then there's the whole "lying deal" and that's why I'm asking LS for help, but even so, I'm still probably not going to make any real decisions till I'm on my meds and they kick in. Thank you all so much, though, you've really helped me.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 The reasonable thing to is break up, but still pay half the rent until you can find someplace else to move. Not much to think but certainly saves you grieft from sharing the same bed with a man who can never love you ( sexually). He's being a coward for all you know, and he might be afraid of his sexuality. Again that's his problem not yours. It's not up to you to out him, it's up to you to consider whether or not this relationship is working for you. By your posts it certainly is not. Instead of waiting for the meds to kick in, be honest with yourself. 20 years old is too young to consider marriage. Whether religious or not, you still want to share a holy union with a man who can be there unconditionally. Not someone who can only sleep with you once a week.
gaius Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Im positive hes bisexual. I dont know about gay...but you have to see how strong his attraction to you is as you move forward. I would have said it was possible he was experimenting in his teen years, but people who experiment usually dont date the same sex when experimenting. They usually test the waters sexually. The fact that he was able to date a dude shows hes emotionally capable of being with one in a relationship. At least thats what I gather. He can't keep it up and doesn't touch her unless she cuts her hair like a man, nothing bisexual about him. If he isn't into her when she's 20 and in her prime he'll never be. Did you do any experimenting when you were younger? Some guys just don't want to talk no matter how obvious it is Future. You can't move back in with your parents? I don't know how you can live with a guy who doesn't want to touch you and not get depressed, but if that's what you have to do then it's what you have to do. Just don't get too comfortable with it or next thing you know you'll end up married to him.
kaylan Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 He can't keep it up and doesn't touch her unless she cuts her hair like a man, nothing bisexual about him. If he isn't into her when she's 20 and in her prime he'll never be. Did you do any experimenting when you were younger? There are plenty of guys that get anxiety in bed and have a hard time keeping it up. Doesnt make them gay. Im just telling OP to give it a little time and see if hes actually attracted to her. Its possible hes gay, but its also possible hes bi and not attracted to her. Its also possible that hes bi and just having anxiety. Time will tell. And I did loads of experiments when I was younger. Salt in water makes eggs float. Buoyancy experiment lolz Some guys just don't want to talk no matter how obvious it is Future. You can't move back in with your parents? I don't know how you can live with a guy who doesn't want to touch you and not get depressed, but if that's what you have to do then it's what you have to do. Just don't get too comfortable with it or next thing you know you'll end up married to him. Hes right about this part OP. I mean...it really does seem like your relationship has hit one of those points where you begin to see it wont work out. If your boyfriend cant be open and honest with you about this, then just cut your loses. Hes gotta be willing to communicate.
CC12 Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 And I know I shouldn't have ignored the stuff...but I tried to think logically. I have a mood disorder, and sometimes my emotions get so in the way of things I block them out and try and think only rationally (a la Spock) but then you get big swings of SUPER EMOTION and then SUPER COLD LOGIC and then now I'm here. I think this is a good enough reason to end it with him. Your mood is not stable enough to be in a relationship, especially with a compulsive liar who is uncommunicative and maybe also gay. Your mood disorder probably had a lot to do with you getting into this situation in the first place, what with moving in with him after only a few months, and ignoring things you shouldn't have. I don't mean to be a jerk, but you're really not fit to be in a relationship right now. Can you agree with this? Our lease isn't up until July, and neither one of us can afford an apartment on our own. I have no place else to stay (I do mean NO PLACE ELSE I've looked) Then you can afford to live with a roommate, yes? Maybe his wealthy family can help him out for a bit and he can sublet his half of the lease so you can stay where you are and he can move out. I don't believe that you have absolutely no other options than to remain living together until July. Something can always be worked out.
ShannonMI Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I think this is a good enough reason to end it with him. Your mood is not stable enough to be in a relationship, especially with a compulsive liar who is uncommunicative and maybe also gay. Your mood disorder probably had a lot to do with you getting into this situation in the first place, what with moving in with him after only a few months, and ignoring things you shouldn't have. I don't mean to be a jerk, but you're really not fit to be in a relationship right now. Can you agree with this? Then you can afford to live with a roommate, yes? Maybe his wealthy family can help him out for a bit and he can sublet his half of the lease so you can stay where you are and he can move out. I don't believe that you have absolutely no other options than to remain living together until July. Something can always be worked out. You make some good points, but people with bi-polar can have relationships too. What? Is she supposed to be single forever? Hopefully OP is on medication to control her mood swings. I'm leaning more toward her age being a big factor as to why she jumped into this living situation and why she ignored the obvious red flags. Most 20 year olds don't have much "life" experience. They are bound to make stupid mistakes. This is a perfect example of it. OP, you're boyfriend sounds gay. He tried making it work with a woman and tried living the straight life because of his religious convictions and maybe he was worried about the scrutiny from family and friends, but you are what you are. He was born that way. It's not his choice to be gay or straight. End it with him.
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