woinlove Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Do you realize, last night I was in the kitchen making french toast with my kids and after they were in bed, checked this thread and had someone actually accuse me of going silent because I didn't like what I was hearing. What you people say is not helpful, it is mean. My mothering skills were attacked. Don't say you weren't trying to attack. I was accused of not caring about his wife, and his daughter. It's all crap. You should listen to yourselves. What do you mean by the bolded? Is this how you care? Would you sleep with your friend's, sister's, or daughter's husband behind her back and say you care? In the end, you care about yourself first when you enter into a deceptive affair, don't you think? That is certainly how it was for me. It helped me a lot to admit and take responsibility for my own choices and actions. 3
alexandria35 Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I agree with woinlove. You are being too defensive and the defensiveness is actually kind of egging on the remarks you find offensive. In your first post you sound like you are having some conflicting emotions and you were asking for advice. So why can't you be honest about that and address those issues? You said you are very emotionally attached to him and you miss him all the time. It's not very nice to have to miss the one you love all the time because they can't be with you now is it? I know how it feels. When my ex and I broke up we continued to be good supportive friends with each other. We weren't dating or seeing other people so it was easy for us to still be there for each other. It was all good while we were living in the same neighborhood just a couple of blocks from each other. Eventually he moved to another city looking for a fresh start. So then we talked on the phone, sent each other emails and texts. I went to visit him, he visited me, etc...I missed him terribly and I eagerly looked forward to our contact with each other. After a while I began to realize that our continued contact was actually hurting me and keeping me from fully enjoying my life. I also had to admit that the distance and longing was causing me to romantasize our relationship. He was my ex for good reasons. We had been together for seven years and he had a ton of issues that made him impossible to be with. Once he was far away I didn't see those things in him anymore. During our phone conversations and short visits he was the same charming loveable man I had first fallen in love with. Do you see where this is going? You keep saying you have known this guy for years but in your first post you said you met him 16 years ago but would only see him every few years. That's not the same as knowing someone. Talking on the phone and a few days of visiting here and there does not give you the whole picture. You have a small part of the picture and you are filling in the blanks with your own fantasies of him. Even knowing my ex as well as I did I started to paint a whole different picture of him in my head after he was gone and I couldn't really see who he truly was anymore. Like you I have no desire to be married or for a joined at the hip 24 hour a day relationship. I love being single and the thought of anyone actually living with me does nothing to excite me. However trying to have a relationship with someone I could only talk on the phone with and see for a few days here and there does not come close to meeting my needs. Hearing about someones day is not in anyway the same as sharing the day with someone. Missing and longing for someone fuels the passion and romantic fantasies but eventually it just hurts. 4
MissBee Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I agree with woinlove. You are being too defensive and the defensiveness is actually kind of egging on the remarks you find offensive. In your first post you sound like you are having some conflicting emotions and you were asking for advice. So why can't you be honest about that and address those issues? You said you are very emotionally attached to him and you miss him all the time. It's not very nice to have to miss the one you love all the time because they can't be with you now is it? I know how it feels. When my ex and I broke up we continued to be good supportive friends with each other. We weren't dating or seeing other people so it was easy for us to still be there for each other. It was all good while we were living in the same neighborhood just a couple of blocks from each other. Eventually he moved to another city looking for a fresh start. So then we talked on the phone, sent each other emails and texts. I went to visit him, he visited me, etc...I missed him terribly and I eagerly looked forward to our contact with each other. After a while I began to realize that our continued contact was actually hurting me and keeping me from fully enjoying my life. I also had to admit that the distance and longing was causing me to romantasize our relationship. He was my ex for good reasons. We had been together for seven years and he had a ton of issues that made him impossible to be with. Once he was far away I didn't see those things in him anymore. During our phone conversations and short visits he was the same charming loveable man I had first fallen in love with. Do you see where this is going? You keep saying you have known this guy for years but in your first post you said you met him 16 years ago but would only see him every few years. That's not the same as knowing someone. Talking on the phone and a few days of visiting here and there does not give you the whole picture. You have a small part of the picture and you are filling in the blanks with your own fantasies of him. Even knowing my ex as well as I did I started to paint a whole different picture of him in my head after he was gone and I couldn't really see who he truly was anymore. Like you I have no desire to be married or for a joined at the hip 24 hour a day relationship. I love being single and the thought of anyone actually living with me does nothing to excite me. However trying to have a relationship with someone I could only talk on the phone with and see for a few days here and there does not come close to meeting my needs. Hearing about someones day is not in anyway the same as sharing the day with someone. Missing and longing for someone fuels the passion and romantic fantasies but eventually it just hurts. Great post! Well said! It is strange that the options seem to be you need to be joined at the hip OR "date" a married man. As several women have gotten on LS citing their choice of an A because they didn't want a 'full time' relationship. With reference to the thread on issues, it seems apparent to me that issues of commitment fears are playing into the choice to date someone you cannot have totally by the very facts of the situation.....as if it were simply convenience, again, like you, many other single people aren't trying to run down the aisle or be committed. I realized my own complicity in choosing such situations that had a semblance of intimacy and romance because of that distance versus choosing relationships that were truly intimate and real. However, you believe that you talk so much about "everything" and it is so intimate.....like you explained, with my exAP, it was just like that. It seemed so intimate because we communicated so much, there was no way I was avoiding intimacy by being with a man committed elsewhere....but as my eyes opened I realized how superficial or contrived it was to a degree and how it was easy to play the game of intimacy as you were safely tucked away from each other sometimes and his commitment elsewhere was always a fail-safe.
Emme Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Do you realize, last night I was in the kitchen making french toast with my kids and after they were in bed, checked this thread and had someone actually accuse me of going silent because I didn't like what I was hearing. What you people say is not helpful, it is mean. My mothering skills were attacked. Don't say you weren't trying to attack. I was accused of not caring about his wife, and his daughter. It's all crap. You should listen to yourselves. I'm sorry that you feel you were being attacked. If at anytime you feel that way just don't respond to the person who you feel is attacking you. It's that simple. It's your choice. Now, lets get back to this whole posting to see what the world thought. Why are you so concerned with what other people think? Were you looking for a place where you could get support in continuing this affair? Just friendly conversation.
SoxPrincess Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 itsourchoice, This title of this forum, in some cases, can be very misleading. It states "support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner"; however, more often than not, it's a free for all against the OW or OM. It doesn't happen ALL the time, but it certainly does happen. There are other forums out there that don't allow BS input & sometimes I think that's "safer" for both the OW/OM & the BS. All that aside, as with any open forum/message board, you sometimes have to put your thicker skin on, take what you need & leave/ignore the rest. I think you need to look inside yourself & decide what it is you need support for, perhaps that would help everyone here best determine how to help you. If you're just looking for a place to vent & let it all out..that's OK, just say that; if you are looking for input on this or that, state that, etc. I've seen this forum be VERY helpful to those who understand the "pitfalls", meaning that some people are going to be harsh, mean, nasty because that's just the way the Internet is sometimes. I came here in 2007 (I think), the A I was involved in had ended but I was still struggling with some things. I put it all out there; some feedback was positive & helped me greatly, some people said I deserved the morose feelings I had because I got involved with a married man, some people said I deserved to have my kids taken away because I was involved with a married man. YOU know YOU best, just how I know me best. I know I'm a damn good mother...who made a terrible choice & had to do the very hard work to make reparations with my husband. No one here knows you, we can only go by what you give us & again, there are going to be times that no matter what you say or do here, people will cast stones. That's OK too, everyone has the right to their own opinion; just take what you think you need, discuss what you think you need to discuss & leave the rest at the door. I wish you luck 2
Author itsourchoice Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 SoxPrincess, I appreciate that. Really, that was the best reply I have heard. I think I will try to find a different forum where there are people who understand rather than those who would attack. Thanks a bunch.
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 SoxPrincess, I appreciate that. Really, that was the best reply I have heard. I think I will try to find a different forum where there are people who understand rather than those who would attack. Thanks a bunch. Sorry to see you leave. You're going to miss out on some wonderful advice from others who have been in your shoes, as well as objective advice by others who aren't in an affair, an outsiders view in can be just as valuable. Allowing ONE person to influence you to leave, makes me wonder.. Enough said. LS is like the real world, you're going to get all sorts of reactions, advice and thoughts. Most though do come from a good place, even if said harshly. Going to the 'other' board to just hear what you want to hear isn't always that helpful. 2
Ms. Red Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 But why are you looking to "relate" to anyone if you claim everything is fine and you are content with your situation? Why do mother's join parenting groups if they are content and fine w/ being a parent? I could come up with a whole list of things that ppl like to discuss and "relate" to others that are in the same situation even though they are content with it. What a silly question you have asked.
Ms. Red Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I agree with woinlove. You are being too defensive and the defensiveness is actually kind of egging on the remarks you find offensive. In your first post you sound like you are having some conflicting emotions and you were asking for advice. So why can't you be honest about that and address those issues? You said you are very emotionally attached to him and you miss him all the time. It's not very nice to have to miss the one you love all the time because they can't be with you now is it? I know how it feels. When my ex and I broke up we continued to be good supportive friends with each other. We weren't dating or seeing other people so it was easy for us to still be there for each other. It was all good while we were living in the same neighborhood just a couple of blocks from each other. Eventually he moved to another city looking for a fresh start. So then we talked on the phone, sent each other emails and texts. I went to visit him, he visited me, etc...I missed him terribly and I eagerly looked forward to our contact with each other. After a while I began to realize that our continued contact was actually hurting me and keeping me from fully enjoying my life. I also had to admit that the distance and longing was causing me to romantasize our relationship. He was my ex for good reasons. We had been together for seven years and he had a ton of issues that made him impossible to be with. Once he was far away I didn't see those things in him anymore. During our phone conversations and short visits he was the same charming loveable man I had first fallen in love with. Do you see where this is going? You keep saying you have known this guy for years but in your first post you said you met him 16 years ago but would only see him every few years. That's not the same as knowing someone. Talking on the phone and a few days of visiting here and there does not give you the whole picture. You have a small part of the picture and you are filling in the blanks with your own fantasies of him. Even knowing my ex as well as I did I started to paint a whole different picture of him in my head after he was gone and I couldn't really see who he truly was anymore. Like you I have no desire to be married or for a joined at the hip 24 hour a day relationship. I love being single and the thought of anyone actually living with me does nothing to excite me. However trying to have a relationship with someone I could only talk on the phone with and see for a few days here and there does not come close to meeting my needs. Hearing about someones day is not in anyway the same as sharing the day with someone. Missing and longing for someone fuels the passion and romantic fantasies but eventually it just hurts. ItsOurChoice, This was a really great post and she took some time to relate to you. Maybe read it again and see what I see.
2sunny Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I want to ask you: Would you want this situation and CHOOSE it for your daughter? Would it be good enough for her?
Ms. Red Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 actually, many mothers seek out parenting groups to help with various child related issues. its quite common. i do not think you see a ton of people join a parenting site if all is well in their world. it is said all the time, people seek out help when they are having issues; most people who are happy and content do not seek out an online forum. kinda silly to even imply content and happy people are spending hours posting on 'help' forums. i am sure you and a couple others will help out the poster in finding a site where an ow/mistress can be encouraged to remain in an affair or where she will feel more surrounded by 'like' posters and no 'non ow' are there to bring in some reality to the discussion. And there we go folks. We are not happy and content or else we wouldn't be here. If HF is honest enough to admit to it, it's time we all did right? To say that we are happy and content and posting here is just silly. So time to start fessing up y'all and stop claiming otherwise!
Recommended Posts