woinlove Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I do like things the way they are. It is difficult to not talk about my relationship because it is full of joy. I don't share out of respect for his family. I know you think I have distain for his wife, I don't. I do sometimes wonder about pulling back, but not for me, really. I am not the one with the other obligations. I have a job and kids, but I don't have a spouse. So, yeah. I know you think there is all this underlying stuff. There really is not. I just wondered what everyone thought. You have reacted in exactly the way I suspect society feels. Not a big deal. And, I did sort of come here to find common people who were/had gone through it because it WOULD be nice to tell someone how happy I am, how enjoyable it is. So yeah... I'm not sure what you are referring to with the "I know...". I don't think you are treating his wife with respect or compassion. You are going along with MM's lies and deception. You say you keep it secret out of respect, but I suspect that you don't want to face the consequences of having his wife know what is really going on. She could then decide to divorce or MM might stop the affair to save his marriage. By keeping it a secret it allows him to have both his marriage and an affair with you at the same time and I take it that is the way you like it. Personally, I prefer to live a more honest and authentic life and encourage those I love to also be honest and, unlike you, would not be so happy with a secret affair. I would encourage you to tell people as you say you want to. Although you say it is fun the way it is, from what you post I wonder if part of you doesn't feel like a bad or embarrassing secret as your posts have not been that consistent. Sometimes when we lie to others (in this case, keep secrets about who we care about) we also lie to ourselves and that can lead to inconsistent messages. Perhaps if you would allow yourself to be more open and honest, you might find greater contentment with yourself.
2sunny Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Look deep within itsourchoice - please... Now - try to be consistent in HOW YOU REALLY FEEL... What does that looks like? I'm getting so many inconsistencies from you I can't REALLY tell how YOU feel. Is this what you've always wanted in your life? Is this what you have always dreamed of having for yourself? One thing I always say - never betray yourself - and what YOU really want for yourself! Never ever settle! What is it that you see when you really search your soul?
spice4life Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 (edited) You say he is an active catholic and this is the excuse so many use that I simply do not understand. So it's better to cheat than get a divorce? I'm sorry, but the days of marterdom (sp?) are over and have been for a long time. I'm a catholic who was married for 11 years and was able to get my marriage anulled. Cheating is worse than divorce if you really think about it because it takes away many peoples right to choose. You hinder another person's free will by withholding vital information that enables them to choose what they want and need for themselves. Sure, divorce can be devastating, but one can and does heal from that because they have all the facts and can process the whole ordeal properly. Cheating on the other hand, is a silent poison that effects others because they know something is not right but they can pinpoint what it is. They instead, feel like they are going crazy and end up stressed out and depressed. Again, I apologize, but the "active catholic" excuse is archaic and doesn't stand up when pit against religion. However, if your happy with having an affair and it doesn't effect your emotional well being, then carry on. if you read through the forum thou Edited March 3, 2012 by spice4life
spice4life Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Sorry, my post got cut off. Meant to say a person CAN'T pinpoint what's going on when it comes to an affair.
2sunny Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I suppose she's absent now because this is her telephone time with him for the evening... After all - wife passed out at least a few hours ago...
Author itsourchoice Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 You know, if you want to attack me for having an affair, I put that out there. Feel free. But don't ever question my abilities as a mother. I take very good care of my children. I work a full time job, I am grateful that I have the ability to work from home. I am here for my children, while my sons take soccer, my daughter takes softball and Karate. I do their homework, help with baths. You judge me for talking about my lover's wife, but you condemn me when you have no information. Good on ya. I came here for a little support and advice. Stupid me.
2sunny Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Owning how we do participate - with anything in life - is the first part of getting honest/ with yourself and others. If you like the affair and you are happy with it - why would you keep from telling people about it? Why not get honest about how you are participating? Always remember - you do have choices - and choices to change things.
alexandria35 Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 You know, if you want to attack me for having an affair, I put that out there. Feel free. But don't ever question my abilities as a mother. I take very good care of my children. I work a full time job, I am grateful that I have the ability to work from home. I am here for my children, while my sons take soccer, my daughter takes softball and Karate. I do their homework, help with baths. You judge me for talking about my lover's wife, but you condemn me when you have no information. Good on ya. I came here for a little support and advice. Stupid me. Sorry you felt that your mothering skills were being attacked, but you're the one who said that you spend hours on the phone every night with this guy. Most of us who have been single mothers with full time jobs know just how difficult that would be to pull off. Its not just work and spending time with the kids, there's dinner, dishes, laundry, baths, bedtime stories, etc etc...I can't imagine where you are finding the time to spend hours on the phone every day. Have you given up sleeping? You keep saying your affair is all roses and sunshine but in your first post you wrote this: I just don't know how to feel. I am so emotionally attached and I know he is the same. I miss him all the time. He makes me feel happy, and he is just about the only person with whom I can discuss anything at all. I am sure many will be upset to hear that I have no guilt regarding my relationship. I feel we each give the other companionship, love, friendship, caring, sex, all of it. It is difficult to have nobody to talk with about my relationship, because it is a secret. That is so hard. He can't either. That is hard too. I almost wish I could pull back just a little, not completely, I do love him, but just a little. Give myself a moment to breathe. I just don't know how anymore. I know it would help me to focus on other things... I can't seem to. Here you sound conflicted. You say it is so hard and that you have nobody to talk to. You say you wish you could back off just to help you focus on other things. What does that mean? Could it perhaps mean that you know you are not giving your best to your kids and the other areas of your life because you are too involved with this MM? That while you might be physically present your heart and head is off somewhere with your MM most of the time? In a post later on you say you are not lying to anyone. Guess that depends on your definition of lying. You are certainly not being honest and open with your family or friends if they don't know that you have this man in your life that takes up hours of your day every day. I couldn't keep a secret like that from my family and feel like a fully honest and authentic person. Your boyfriend is a creep by the way. Not only because he's a cheater but because he is one of those slimy types that pretends to be a spiritual God loving person to the world but then sneaks around doing the dirty when nobodys looking. He knows he can't keep secrets from God but he doesn't give a damn about God, he's more worried about keeping up his false pretenses to the people in his church. That ain't be really Catholic, thats being a hyprocrite and a liar. Oh but I bet he loves to lecture his daughter on being a good little Catholic girl and doing the right thing. What a creep. Makes me think of people like Jimmy Swaggart and that Baker guy, whatever his name was. By the way infidelity is not a lesser sin than divorce in Gods eyes. As a matter of fact the bible says that divorce is okay when infidelity has occured. 3
donnamaybe Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 You just MET him 16 years ago, but you KNOW she has been an alcoholic for 20? Hmmm...
Circular Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I think if it works, it works. Ugly? That's a personal judgment call, it's only ugly if you think it's ugly, otherwise it is what it is. Like the saying goes "Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes". There are a lot of people who like to play couch QB, assume they know your life, your background, history, and the history of your MM. Every situation is unique and no one person has the key to the answers. Should you seek deeper to understand what uncertainty lies within? I would question that if you post here it's because there is some inner part of you that seeks an answer or some type of understanding that extends beyond just resonance. Usually those who post are seeking to resolve something beyond just the question of 'is it ugly'. 1
cuddlekeeper Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I think if it works, it works. Ugly? That's a personal judgment call, it's only ugly if you think it's ugly, otherwise it is what it is. Like the saying goes "Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes". There are a lot of people who like to play couch QB, assume they know your life, your background, history, and the history of your MM. Every situation is unique and no one person has the key to the answers. Should you seek deeper to understand what uncertainty lies within? I would question that if you post here it's because there is some inner part of you that seeks an answer or some type of understanding that extends beyond just resonance. Usually those who post are seeking to resolve something beyond just the question of 'is it ugly'. Wow. I think this is really true...thank you for sharing. I think I am seeking something too but do not know what it is. One day I think it will hit me out of the blue.
Ms. Red Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 (edited) You know the basic rules of any organized religion. Thou shalt not covet another neighbors husband/wife. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Marital vows - you got married... Don't you think their vows went something like this: "I promise to LOVE, HONOR and CHERISH YOU all the days of my life? So- he's not keeping his word with the agreement he made before HER, GOD and HIS family and friends! What's NOT to understand about that? Basic consideration, ya know? YOU are only thinking selfishly - you aren't thinking of the woman being betrayed. She may be drunk - but YOU are the one helping to betray her. She STOPS being betrayed IF you stop seeing him!!! YOU CAN CONTROL THAT! Why you yell'n 2S? Calmeth thyself. _______________________________________________________________________________________ I get irritated when ppl pick and choose what to follow on their religion. But it's also really hard to respect someone's religion or vows when they themselves have betrayed them. I'm sure the vows didn't include that the wife shall drink herself to a passed out state on a regular bases. It seems it's ok or forgivable to be a drunk and withhold sex but husband be damned if he finds a bit of happiness on the side and someone to love him like his lush of a wife doesn't. Edited March 3, 2012 by Ms. Red
Ms. Red Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 You are the one who referred to it as ugly... Not others here first. Since you seem to contradict yourself - you may want to delve into how you REALLY do feel about it - because you seem to be confusing your self. If YOU think it's ugly - ok... If you don't - ok. But figure out how you really do feel - it helps! Hey I'm not picking on you 2S but this post made me think about why she asked why it has to be so ugly. If she's like me or a lot of other posters, she read and read and read some more on LS before signing up to post. So, if that's true then she knows the mantra that is preached here about affairs. If that's the case and I'm correct then she knows ahead of making this thread what the responses may be. And she truly wants to know why ppl think it's so ugly in her situation.
Ms. Red Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I don't think it's ugly. I think society as a whole sees it as such. That was my point. Ahh I see. Well, I'm posting before reading the whole thread. Maybe I should read the whole thread before posting.
woinlove Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Hey I'm not picking on you 2S but this post made me think about why she asked why it has to be so ugly. If she's like me or a lot of other posters, she read and read and read some more on LS before signing up to post. So, if that's true then she knows the mantra that is preached here about affairs. If that's the case and I'm correct then she knows ahead of making this thread what the responses may be. And she truly wants to know why ppl think it's so ugly in her situation. Reread the OP again and you will see that there is quite a lot of negative feeling about her own situation. She started by saying she needed things to change and was looking for advice. Admittedly, it is not clear what advice she is looking for, so we are all kind of operating in the dark on that front. Suggestions for her to try to understand her own feelings better and be honest with herself and others if she wishes are perhaps the best we can do.
Author itsourchoice Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 Read it again. What I said was that I met him sixteen years ago and that we reconnected several times since. I have known him the whole time, it is just that there have been 'reconnections' between us. It doesn't really matter. Thanks for your time. All good.
Author itsourchoice Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 I get the feeling that no matter what I said, you would pick every single tiny thing you could find in my post and put a negative spin on it. So... I guess I won't read any more. I was just looking for someone in a similar situation who could relate, not a bunch of mother hen's who think they know all. I regret saying anything at all.
woinlove Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I get the feeling that no matter what I said, you would pick every single tiny thing you could find in my post and put a negative spin on it. So... I guess I won't read any more. I was just looking for someone in a similar situation who could relate, not a bunch of mother hen's who think they know all. I regret saying anything at all. I'm still not clear what advice you are looking for. Perhaps reinforcement? If so, that is just a temporary holding pattern, as external reinforcement can only hold one for so long. 1
trinity1 Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I get the feeling that no matter what I said, you would pick every single tiny thing you could find in my post and put a negative spin on it. So... I guess I won't read any more. I was just looking for someone in a similar situation who could relate, not a bunch of mother hen's who think they know all. I regret saying anything at all. Unfortunately that is my experience too. Luckily there are other forums out there. I think the same is true as is the case with the 12 step groups. Those who have been there done that can support you in a way that those who haven't can't.
2sunny Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Support her in what? Is he planning to be with her? Does she want that? What does this poster want help with? We can help by encouraging her to be honest, herself and authentic...
Author itsourchoice Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 But why are you looking to "relate" to anyone if you claim everything is fine and you are content with your situation? Like 2sunny said, she needs to be honest . . . especially with herself. I don't see that. . Just because I am not saying what 'you' want to hear doesn't mean I am not being honest. I am actually being as forthright as I can be. I am sure you can tell that I am all over the place. For the most part, I am happy. There are those small moments. I wouldn't change things. I may in future, who knows?Perhaps I just don't articulate well. No relationship is perfect, as we all know, I just don't know why, I stated my situation and was brutally attacked. It doesn't really matter. There is no sense discussing it. It is clear I will not be getting any answers here, or even a discerning ear.
Author itsourchoice Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 Do you realize, last night I was in the kitchen making french toast with my kids and after they were in bed, checked this thread and had someone actually accuse me of going silent because I didn't like what I was hearing. What you people say is not helpful, it is mean. My mothering skills were attacked. Don't say you weren't trying to attack. I was accused of not caring about his wife, and his daughter. It's all crap. You should listen to yourselves.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Well, you really don't sound like you care about his wife or daughter. That is not meant to be an attack. It's how you come off. Please answer this: why are the sad details of the wife (alcoholic, passed out at 6, no sex for 12 years) pertinent to your story at all? Why do you "know" these details, and why have you chosen to share them here? I believe you can understand why it seems you started posting here specifically trying to justify your affair to a mass of total strangers, and then say that you are perfectly fine with all of it. Even if you don't think that was your intention - can you see why it looks like it is? To a group of total strangers who are well known to be negative about extramarital affairs, lying and cheating in general. So don't be so defensive. and he is just about the only person with whom I can discuss anything at all. That is just depressing. What have you spent your life doing in between "rekindling," "reconnecting," your hours on the phone and your few lustful getaways? 1
woinlove Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Just because I am not saying what 'you' want to hear doesn't mean I am not being honest. I am actually being as forthright as I can be. I am sure you can tell that I am all over the place. For the most part, I am happy. There are those small moments. I wouldn't change things. I may in future, who knows?Perhaps I just don't articulate well. No relationship is perfect, as we all know, I just don't know why, I stated my situation and was brutally attacked. It doesn't really matter. There is no sense discussing it. It is clear I will not be getting any answers here, or even a discerning ear. Brutally attacked? If so, please report to the mods as that is against the TOS. However, if you just mean people suggesting you might try honesty, pointing out inconsistencies in your posts, etc., then to interpret this as a brutal attack suggests you have something to sort out with yourself. 3
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