nat_nat Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Wondering what everyone's opinion is on the subject of staying in touch with ex partners? I am with my first boyfriend at the moment, and he has been texting his ex and has her on facebook (where she comments on everything he does). It bothers me - but I suppose I can't really understand because I've never been in a position where I could keep in touch with an ex. I just don't think I would ever want to, once you're done with them, you're done right? My thought is that you would only ever keep in touch like that if you hoped that one day you would get back together. Thoughts?
pie2 Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 My thought is that you would only ever keep in touch like that if you hoped that one day you would get back together. Yes, you could be right. I would talk to him about your thoughts, and hopefully, out of respect for you, he will stop all contact with her.
FitChick Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Some people are mature and can be platonic friends with their exes. I think it shows strength of character. Would you want to be with a man whose exes called the cops at the sight of him?
carhill Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 'I feel that our relationship is not prioritized when you are having consistent contact with a past lover whom I don't know and whom I've never met (I'm presuming this). If she is a friend, and I believe in the value of friends, I want her to be a friend of our relationship. How do you feel about that?' As one anecdote, I still have occasional cordial contact with my exW, whom I was married to for a decade, mainly due to having mutual friends. I haven't seen her in person since we filed the last of our divorce paperwork 18 months ago. I think her last e-mail a few months ago was about returning a mixer of my mom's (mom is deceased now) since she took it in the divorce. That's typical of our conversations. Questions and answers on different topics. Be proactive about clarifying and communicating your feelings. They're valid. Accept the response. If there's no bend, then, as our MC put it so well, you have a decision to make. 1
FitChick Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 It can be useful to befriend his ex. Lots of information.
carhill Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Indeed. My exW's BF thinks and has told my best friend directly that it's 'inappropriate' to have any contact with me. His loss.
ditzchic Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Unless there are children and a shared custody arrangement, I'm not cool with guys staying friends with exes. The occasional check in "Hey, How ya doin'." Every couple of months or so is fine. But if you are talking on a daily basis or about emotionally intimate things, that's a no go for me. Especially at my age, I'm 30, I think most people have realized that there really is no such thing as staying actually just good friends with an ex. It either ends up being just a lip service friendship or someone wants more. The past is a hard thing to forget. Personally, I don't want to stay friends with any exes because when my knight in shining armor saunters in, I want my life to be the least complicated as possible. And I think the one for me would have the same outlook on that as I do. 3
HeartOnSleeve Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 I'm friends with one of my exes (dated 4.5 years, lived together etc.) but it's not like we talk all the time. Just shoot an email to update one another every so often. He is now married, happier then ever, working hard and starting a family. I couldn't be more happy for him. Otherwise I see no reason to be friends with any of them. I think it would be pretty awkward for any one I start dating to be so close with their ex and I would think it would make them uncomfortable for me to be close to mine. The ex above is the only one worth talking about or to and again it's pretty limited. I don't even like discussing the topic of the "ex"...lol and I've dated some pretty cool guys.
sigurpol Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Another reason why social networking is a kiss of death. I keep in touch with my ex's and comments do appear here or there. But its just friendly stuff. I don't have a desire to get back with any of them. My advice is to just not look too deeply into stuff like that unless you have a real reason to. Say if he starts to act shady. Things aren't as nice as they seem, he's becoming unavailable, etc. Then there is a cause for concern.
PrincessPeach Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 I still talk with some of my exes, and other I don't. It just depends I guess. I don't have any romantic attachment to any of them. Of course, I don't really believe in trying to get back together with people. No second-goes for me. Though some may have wanted a second chance or to eventually get back together, I don't know. Exes can always be a tricky situation and different people see their exes differently from one another. If it bothers you, ask him about. Try not to actually accuse him of anything or tell him what he should be doing about it, but tell him how it makes you feel to talk about it if you need to. That way it has less a chance of blowing up into an argument or being unproductive.
TeeZee Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 The strength of your annoyance over your current guy/gal being friends with an ex is equal to the amount of insecurity you feel. I'd never stay with someone who would put limits on who I could be friends with, due to their insecurity. I am talking about being a normal friend, not having clandestine sexy talk, which is something completely different.
carhill Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Exes can always be a tricky situation and different people see their exes differently from one another. I agree. Are there some suggestions to the OP for how she can clarify and make more transparent these 'differences'? I suggested one potential, that of actions matching up with words, and making the ex a clear and transparent friend of the relationship. Any others?
kaylan Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Its a deal breaker for me usually. It tends to mean the person cannot move on from their past and theres usually lingering feelings. I learn my lesson when I was younger. I only deal with women who dont speak with their exes and are completely over them as well.
kaylan Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 The feelings of my girlfriend are my priority in this world. I wouldn't do anything to make her feel insecure or uncomfortable. Her feelings certainly trump any need for 'chat' with an ex. This. Exactly. Usually the people who adamantly defend their friendship with an ex, seem to not make their new relationship a larger priority. Out of respect for a girlfriend I wouldnt be contacting an ex outside of just saying "hey" once in a while. And we def would never hang out. Hell usually I am not even face book friends with an ex. I cut them out of my life and move on completely usually. Dont need the reminders or momentos. At the moment the only women from my past that Im still friends with are a couple of old hook ups. But we only talk here or there and rarely hang out. And nothing has happened again physically for a while. If I did get a new girlfriend though, Id easily knix that behavior. Respect the one youre with. 2
volkl1996 Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 For me personally when I moved out there was no need to communicate after that except to resolve divorce related issues. I worked very hard at keeping the need to communicate to a minimum.
ShannonMI Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Wondering what everyone's opinion is on the subject of staying in touch with ex partners? I am with my first boyfriend at the moment, and he has been texting his ex and has her on facebook (where she comments on everything he does). It bothers me - but I suppose I can't really understand because I've never been in a position where I could keep in touch with an ex. I just don't think I would ever want to, once you're done with them, you're done right? My thought is that you would only ever keep in touch like that if you hoped that one day you would get back together. Thoughts? If you have children together then that would be a reason to remain in contact with an ex. I, personally think when we're done, that's it. We're not going to be friends, I'm not going to be your plan B, It's OVER!! Some people can stay friendly with exes, but I'm not one of those people. If I saw my ex on the street, I'd act like I didn't know him. He's not a good person. He tore my heart out when he ended things. I can't even stand to think of him. He wanted to remain friends and even have visitation of the dog we owned together, but I told him there would be none of that. Not after how things ended. No way. There are some exes of mine that I might say hello to if I ran into them, but not too many. Call me a bitter bitch. That being said, I would be concerned if I were you about your boyfriend's contact with his ex girlfriend. Unless they have kids together or something, it shouldn't be happening. He might be the type of person who can still be friendly with his exes, but from what it sounds like they are a little TOO friendly still. Texting and facebooking each other all the time is not good. You need to address it.
serial muse Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 I don't choose to stay friends with exes, although I'm pleasant to them whenever we happen to meet via mutual friends. I do understand the theoretical idea that staying in touch with one's exes - by which I mean, as real friends, not merely acquaintances with mutual friends - could be a sign of maturity or something. I understand that when one has shared so much with a person, it seems logical to think that at the very least one would retain a lasting mutual friendship. But I have to say that, de facto, it just doesn't seem to happen that way. The instinct to stay in touch seems not to come from a place of maturity, but rather the opposite: from a need to keep options open, or at the very least get a quick ego fix. I say this because whenever any ex-BF has contacted me out of the blue it's because he's having trouble in a current relationship. (I am thinking of three different guys, who I had varying degrees of seriousness with.) Maybe I just have peculiarly immature exes? Maybe.
ShannonMI Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 I don't choose to stay friends with exes, although I'm pleasant to them whenever we happen to meet via mutual friends. I do understand the theoretical idea that staying in touch with one's exes - by which I mean, as real friends, not merely acquaintances with mutual friends - could be a sign of maturity or something. I understand that when one has shared so much with a person, it seems logical to think that at the very least one would retain a lasting mutual friendship. But I have to say that, de facto, it just doesn't seem to happen that way. The instinct to stay in touch seems not to come from a place of maturity, but rather the opposite: from a need to keep options open, or at the very least get a quick ego fix. I say this because whenever any ex-BF has contacted me out of the blue it's because he's having trouble in a current relationship. (I am thinking of three different guys, who I had varying degrees of seriousness with.) Maybe I just have peculiarly immature exes? Maybe. My instinct is to protect my heart and mend it. Remaining in contact with someone that destroyed my heart goes against this instinct. Call it self- preservation. And your exes may be immature or perhaps they realize what they lost in you. The grass isn't always greener on the other side.
ffw Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 OP, personally, I don't stay in contact with ex's because I think it's disrespectful to my GF & I could care less about them anyway. I have enough friend's & don't need to add the ex's to the group. I don't need that crap in my life. If he cares about your feelings, it should not bother him to de-friend her.
zengirl Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 (edited) I don't hang out with any of my exes on a regular basis (the only one in the area happens to work with hubby---at the same company, a few offices down, ironically), but I'm friendly with most of them. I'd consider myself truly friends with two of them: one we were friends, had a train wreck of a relationship, and became friends again years later when he married one of my good friends (we have several mutual friends), but he lives really far away, and the other we had a great relationship but a fairly shallow one overall (i.e. neither of us ever really thought we'd get married or whatnot) and he moved away and also lives really far away. The first one has hung out with me (he and his wife) when I visited their city, where I go on business sometimes, and they've met hubby once when they came down here (not to see us). The second one lives in the UK, so I haven't seen him since we broke up but we email regularly; hubby knows this. Now, if hubby were to have objected in any way, I would've definitely considered that and probably cut contact (though I'm not sure I would've married a man who felt that way, unless he framed it as a pretty good point). I know he has an ex he really cared about, though she passed away right around the time he and I started dating. I saw him mourn for her, and I didn't find that odd at all. We share a lot with these people; why toss them out when the relationship happens to become irrevocably altered? I do not think prioritizing an ex above a spouse or current partner is healthy, of course, but I don't think contact with one is necessarily bad. The contact in the OP (texting and FBing constantly) sounds very young and a bit immature, which may be a bad sign, I guess, but maybe not. I don't really know. I think every dynamic is simply different. The only time a guy has ever left me for an ex, he had no contact with her prior, but it was pretty evident he wasn't over her. So, I think if someone seems "not OVER an ex," that's something to investigate, but every case of contact is certainly not that. ETA: I think generally there's always a period of "media silence" if you're going to have a mature friendship with an ex. There has to be that 'apart' period before you happen to form a friendship again, in most successful ex friendships I've seen without kids or long divorces or whatnot. Edited March 2, 2012 by zengirl 1
chelsea2011 Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 The only I have contact with is my exH and it's rare and about my children only. I have zero desire otherwise. If he is in contact with his ex, he should at the very least, allay your fears.
Tuzie13 Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 I don't normally stay in contact with exs. I let the past be the past. Some people can do it, I suppose. Though contacting one recently seems to have spawned feelings. I've just always thought it was a loaded situation to remain friends. I think you can factor in if they were friends prior to dating, they'll be friends after. However, they sound a little TOO friendly. Does he talk with her more with her than you? It's also depends on what they're talking about when you're not able to see. And I'm assuming she knows about you... She does, right? Maybe get your bf to bring her out for a group hangout to meet her...that should be very telling.
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