Fanta206 Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 I would like to hear people's thoughts on this. My girlfriend and I have been extremely close for the past 5 years. We've done everything together and shared everything and I can't imagine our relationship without this closeness and togetherness we have. I have been very close to her dad who I just clicked with. We have so much respect for one another and talk all the time. Suddenly about a week ago her father committed suicide by hanging himself in the loft. She was inconsolable as you can understand. None of us can understand why and it seems typical of a depression suicide where nobody expects it etc. I think the difficulty here may lie in how close I was to her father. We currently are staying with all the family (who asked me to be there for her) at a family members house, but my girlfriend has stopped acknowledging me and grudges speaking to me or doing things with me. I have lots of patience and I need to put her first, but I don't understand why all of a sudden she is ignoring me. When I leave she doesn't get up to say bye, and sometimes doesn't say goodbye at all! Her family want to be alone sometimes to discuss things and that's fine but she doesn't tell me the arrangements and I have to find out from other family. When I ask her "Do you want me to go home?" she says "I don't know what I wan't I don't care if you're here or not" It's heartbreaking for me but I've tried so hard not to say anything to upset her more. I've taken her out to get her mind off things and she does say thank you but she makes it clear that she'd rather not be out, and be back with her family. I don't understand. I don't want to lose her, I can't lose her and in the past she's always said she "can't lose me" I'm "everything to her". What can I do?
gaius Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Letting her treat you like garbage is not good for anyone, even if she has just been through a great trauma. Let her know that you're always a phone call away if she needs you, then go home and give her some space. 1
KathyM Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 I think she's confused, hurt, in pain, angry, upset, and probably projecting her anger about what happened onto you. Don't take it personally. She's going through a really bad time right now. You need to be there for her, but also willing to understand that she may need some space at times, and may need some time to sort out her feelings and put them in perspective. Right now, you should just be expressing your desire to help her in any way she needs, and letting her know that you want to be there for her. Then call her a couple of times a day to see how she's doing and to offer her emotional support. Ask her if she'd like to get together, but be understanding if she wants to be alone or just with relatives for now. Don't place any demands on her right now. She's trying to process a traumatic event in her life. She doesn't need relationship drama right now from you. Just continue to be supportive, but not demanding, and be understanding if she is short tempered or is projecting her hurt or anger onto you. It will take some time for her to process this traumatic event. You need to be patient with her on this and stick by her.
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Sorry for your loss, how sad to lose someone you care about that way. He must have been hurting so much to do that.. Your gf is upset, angry and has her walls up because of her pain, because of her anger and even though you love and care about her, she isn't capable of relying or leaning on you (at least right now) for support. For some reason she's taking out the pain and anger/confusion on how her dad died ON you. It is wrong and unfair of her to do that! I'm not sure how to handle this - But you can bet that others have noticed her behaviour towards you so if you distance yourself from her, they aren't going to think you've bailed out on her during this time. You could write her a note telling her how much her dad meant to you, and of course how much she means to you but maybe it would be best for her to have some space, be around her immediate family until she can see more clearly and not take this out on you.
pteromom Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 You need to talk to her. Because there could be several reasons for her behavior. Could be that she's focusing on her family, and doesn't want to deal with your needs right now. Could be that her dad's death is causing her to think about what she really wants out of life, and she's wondering if it is you. Could be that she's just emotionally numb in general and has nothing to give you. She's the only one who knows why...
FitChick Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Jeez, he's only been dead a week and she is supposed to snap out of it? How self-centered can you be? It can take most people a year to recover from the death of a loved one, which is why widows and widowers are advised not to make any major decisions that first year because they are not thinking clearly. I suggest you buy a book on the stages of grief and read it.
denise_xo Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 It sounds to me like she needs some space to process the grief. I would leave the family house for a bit and tell her that you understand from her actions that she is better off just being with her family right now, but let her know that you will be there for her when she needs it. 3
Maxime91 Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 It sounds to me like she needs some space to process the grief. I would leave the family house for a bit and tell her that you understand from her actions that she is better off just being with her family right now, but let her know that you will be there for her when she needs it. i completely agree with this. she needs space. but first of all, before leaving. talk to her in private, have a nice serious talk, so that she can have the liberty to say whats on her mind. she has to talk to someone, and your the best bet. have a chat in PRIVATE and somewhere COMFORTABLE, and talk about the current situation, how you feel, and let her speak if she will or needs to. then leave the house for a bit, she needs space. when my sister died in my hands, i needed space, didnt want to talk to anyone, (i was 10 at the time) i even broke stuff and hit my parents because they wouldnt allow me enough alone time. i rejected everyone, after 8 months of seeing child help and being in islation, i started talking to them again and all.
darkmoon Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 (edited) i've seen grown men grieve two years for the loss of dad, two years shut down, but time, can't hurry it, does heal Edited March 8, 2012 by darkmoon
Author Fanta206 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Jeez, he's only been dead a week and she is supposed to snap out of it? How self-centered can you be? It can take most people a year to recover from the death of a loved one, which is why widows and widowers are advised not to make any major decisions that first year because they are not thinking clearly. I suggest you buy a book on the stages of grief and read it. Thanks for your kind, kind words. This was also a difficult time for me and in hindsight I can see that coming on to these forums was a comfort for me. Reading comments like this is probably not what somebody in my position would want to hear at such a difficult time and this comment has to be the most unhelpful post I've ever read on a forum. I came on here to try and find strength to support her, which I don't see as "self-centered". I need to think of myself at times like these to be stronger to support her. Anyway. I thought I'd update this post. A year afterwards me and my girlfriend moved in together and things are as back to normal as they could be. Under the circumstances it was obviously a very difficult time for everyone, least of all me. Some insight I can offer anybody who has stumbled upon this post in a similar/the same situation: A while after the death of her father we have all learned to cope and we're all closer as a result. I did everything my girlfriend asked of me, even if this meant leaving her alone for days, this was what was best for her and it hurt sometimes, but more than worth it to make her feel better. We both need each other more and more each day and sometimes she is still (obviously) affected by the way in which her father passed away but I'll always be there to support her. Little things sometimes upset her - things she sees on TV or innocent jokes made by people who don't know about what happened - but she realises that they mean no harm. Thank you for all the positive messages they really did help me back when this happened. 1
Recommended Posts