How to get porn out of my head!

[Katie1983]

Hello,

I am new here! I kinda just been browsing the forums, but haven't really see any questions about porn and how to deal with it.

 

My problems started about 3 years ago. Now don't get me wrong, our sex life has always been great! We hardly ever miss a day, maybe every once in a while. I was pregnant with my 2nd child and found out that my husband was watching porn by himself,while I was asleep in bed next to him. At the time it bothered me but didn't say anything,since I wasn't interested in sex at that time, since I was due in a matter of days. I truly don't know how long it went one for,I could careless. I figured after I had the baby everything would go back to normal.

 

Well a few months after, I woke up to him going to the bathroom to finish, so I turned the tv back on to find porn again. I was pissed. I got out of bed and slept on the couch that night. Never talked about it.

 

Now, since we have smart/dumb phones, I no longer find it on the tv, but I do find it on his phone from time to time.Now I haven't found anything in like 4 months now, but I completely have no trust in him when it comes to the topic!

 

My question is, he know I don't approve of it, to me it's cheating, and he knows, so why does he cont. and why it every time we have sex now, all I feel is who he's fantasizing about? Plus I have all those pictures burned into my brain!

[volkl1996]

He continues because he is addicted to it and he has a problem and needs help. Trust me, I know, and life is so much better now that it's out of my life.

 

Sex stopped in my marriage, so I guess I justified watching porn. However, I could now probably argue that watching porn caused sex to stop in my marriage, or at least contributed to it.

 

Is it cheating? Not sure how I feel about that one. The Bible says lust is cheating (I am paraphrasing) so maybe it is. I do know I felt guilty watching it while married and when I have the urge now that I am single though I feel less guilty, I still feel guilty.

 

Porn is evil and toxic. I would tell him straight up, you do not like it, it's not acceptable, he needs help and if he does not get help you are leaving.

[Katie1983]

Right. I understand that! But our sex life has never came to stop or slowed down at all. That why I'm not understanding

[Lauriebell82]

I disagree that porn is "evil" but I know that some can become addicted to it and do some destruction to their relationships.

 

It sounds like your husband may have a problem. If he knows you don't approve and continues to do it then you have a decision to make whether or not you want to give him an ultimatum that he needs to stop or you will leave. I am not going to advise you either way to do that, as I believe it is a huge and risky move that only you can decide to make. But it sounds as though he does not really want to change, so setting some boundaries may be in order in this case.

[volkl1996]

I was harsh with the word evil..it's evil when it's addictive and leads to relationship issues.

[The Blue Knight]

Right. I understand that! But our sex life has never came to stop or slowed down at all. That why I'm not understanding

As was pointed out by volk we all fantasize and we're all guilty of it in differing degrees. Biblically speaking we all engage in improper thoughts even if we don't partake in the actual actions of adultery. So in that sense I think we have to be careful about condemning others.

 

With regard to porn, for some guys it's equivalent to a side dish Katie. In other words it doesn't interfere with their sex life at all, but some guys develop a desire for porn and want it nevertheless. In some ways it's very much like a drug. And it becomes an acquired taste that many of them don't want to give up, even if they are in a satisfactory relationship.

 

I think for a lot of guys porn is a way of safely cheating and getting their fantasies somewhat fulfilled without actually cheating physically with another human being if that makes sense. Most guys I've known in relationships who developed a porn habit didn't feel that many of their needs were met sexually or they had spouses who just didn't have any sexual interest outside of the occasional obligatory coitus every couple of weeks.

 

Porn for a lot of reasons I believe is destructive because it portrays sexual fantasies that are highly unrealistic. But the stuff that really concerns me involves violent sexual acts against women on film, and frankly, how that remains legal is beyond my understanding.

 

What's made matters worse is porn 20 years ago meant having to walk into a place that sold it and put yourself out there by purchasing it. Not the case anymore. Because it's so readily available people who may never have considered porn two decades ago now have it at their fingertips 24/7.

 

If it really bothers you, then you need to lay it on the line and tell him that you want to seek counseling together and get this resolved. Otherwise, it's just going to fester and really come between the two of you over time. Nip this now while you're still in the early years of your marriage. Convey to him that this is not what you feel a marriage should be.

[Philosoraptor]

If everything is still good in the bedroom then why complain? He's not ignoring you for porn nor does anything you say imply that he has replaced you or has any sort of addiction. He spanks his monkey some and uses porn. If he were not using porn he wouldn't always be thinking about you; it could be the neighbor, a coworker, a celebrity, etc.

 

You two disagree on the issue. If his thinking about other people is a dealbreaker, then leave. If not, then understand that many people have fantasies about people they are not with. Whether he be watching it or just thinking about things, he obviously finds no issue with what he is doing. He has made that clear by not stopping, the ball is in your court now.

[frozensprouts]

is the issue really pron or is it more that watching porn was, to you, a form of cheating and he knew that yet watches it anyway?

 

Is it more that you feel that the trust between you has been broken ?

 

It would seem like the best thing to do here would be to talk to him. get his input into why he views pron ( well,, i think it's pretty obvious why he views it:laugh:), but maybe he can explain why he views it and his views on whether or not it is a form of cheating. You can explain to him why you feel the way you do, and maybe the two of you can reach some middle ground that makes you both happy.

 

this does not mean that you have to do anything you don't want to do or that makes you uncomfortable, but rather that maybe if he explains his point of view about watching porn, then maybe you'll understand it better and you won't feel so upset by it.

 

(\my husband watches it online sometimes...I don't really care, as long as I don't have to watch it too. I think it's asinine...I watched a movie once ( figured I may as well see what he was looking at before i got too upset about it...and I didn't know whether to throw something at the screen or just burst out laughing. It was so lame! As long as a guy knows and understands that what is on the screen isn't "real life'", then maybe it's not so bad...mind you, with kids being exposed online to some pretty hard core stuff at younger and younger ages, I hope they still understand it's not "real life")

[Lauriebell82]

OP, if he told you flat out that he looked at porn 1 time every few months (and actually provided proof of this) would you feel differently? Or does ANY amount of porn watching bother you? It would be hard for us to decipher if he does have an actual addiction because we don't know him, however it appears that you would be upset by this regardless of the extent that he watches it.

 

Whether or not he is actually addicted seems irrelevant at this point, the main problem is you and the fact that you feel it is cheating. If he isn't willing to stop watching porn and you feel it's cheating, then where is that going to leave your marriage? That's the real issue here.

[standtall]

Wow, like we haven't read this kinda thread before..... Katie, if the porn is interfering with your marital sex life, then it is a problem. If you and your husband do not share the same values about it..ie you view it as a sin and he does not, you view it as cheating and he does not, etc...then it is a problem. Porn disagreements can also indicate other core value differences as well, so you need to confront him about it. Reacting like this

 

Well a few months after, I woke up to him going to the bathroom to finish, so I turned the tv back on to find porn again. I was pissed. I got out of bed and slept on the couch that night. Never talked about it.

 

is not going to help...... you're just shelving the issue. If you come on too demanding, then he will just hide it. As far as this goes

 

and why it every time we have sex now, all I feel is who he's fantasizing about?

..you have to deal with it yourself. What is inside a person's own mind is theirs and theirs alone.

[volkl1996]

In my situation I watched Amateru Porn, a lot. 2-3 times a week, when I was married. I was amazed that woman actually seemed to like sex and liked what they did in their videos, as I did not have this in my marriage. My ex simply was not comfortable with her sexuality. If we did have sex it was one way, maybe once a month..and no oral..never, not for 14+ years. I settled and assumed thats the way my life would be and thats the way woman really were...though the videos confused me as I saw women enjoying this.

 

I have been with 3 woman since my ex and to this day i am still amazed that women REALLY are into sex as much as I am and are comfortable with their sexualality.

 

So, my point is it feels like you hub is "looking" for something by watching porn; what, I do not know. Talk to him, ask him what it is he likes about porn and "needs" from porn. Is there something missing, maybe not in your sex life, in the marriage for hiom.

[Lauriebell82]

So, my point is it feels like you hub is "looking" for something by watching porn; what, I do not know. Talk to him, ask him what it is he likes about porn and "needs" from porn. Is there something missing, maybe not in your sex life, in the marriage for hiom.

 

Yeah, but she doesn't know whether or not he is looking at porn frequently or not. She's only "caught him" a few times and hasn't seen it on his phone for 4 months. I think lots of men (including my husband) look at porn on the internet every so often and are fully sexually satisfied in their relationships.

 

I see what you are saying, but I think this is more of her issue and less of his.

[maybealone]

Whether or not he is actually addicted seems irrelevant at this point, the main problem is you and the fact that you feel it is cheating. If he isn't willing to stop watching porn and you feel it's cheating, then where is that going to leave your marriage? That's the real issue here.

 

I agree that this is the real issue. But I am also confused. You say he knows how you feel, but you also say you never talked about it. You also said that when you were pregnant, you couldn't care less if he watched porn, but now you check his phone looking for it.

 

I think you need to think about what it is that really bothers you. Is it that you think it is cheating? Is it that he finishes in the bathroom when you are right there, ready and willing to have sex? Or is it something else? When you figure out what is really troubling you, then have a discussion with him about it.

[CarrieT]

Hello,

At the time it bothered me but didn't say anything,since I wasn't interested in sex at that time, since I was due in a matter of days. I truly don't know how long it went one for,I could careless. I figured after I had the baby everything would go back to normal.

 

Well a few months after, I woke up to him going to the bathroom to finish, so I turned the tv back on to find porn again. I was pissed. I got out of bed and slept on the couch that night. Never talked about it.

Now, since we have smart/dumb phones, I no longer find it on the tv, but I do find it on his phone from time to time.Now I haven't found anything in like 4 months now, but I completely have no trust in him when it comes to the topic!

 

My question is, he know I don't approve of it, to me it's cheating, and he knows, so why does he cont. and why it every time we have sex now, all I feel is who he's fantasizing about? Plus I have all those pictures burned into my brain!

 

See the three things you said that I made bold? THIS is the crux of your problem - you aren't communicating...

 

How can you deal with a problem within your relationship if you don't express what bothers you? You are blowing the problem out of proportion if you believe he is fantasizing while having sex with you and that is making your situation worse.

 

You have to learn to be as open and honest as you can about the issue for it to stop.

[Katie1983]

Not at all do I think he is a addict to porn! And yes, when everything happened we did talk about it for a second, but I have a husband who doesnt like confortation and is very difficult to talk to at times. I'm not saying I want to punish him for this. I understand everything every one is saying, and thank you, but I don't think I asked my questions correctly.

 

My issue is I can't look at him or feel the same sexually with him since I have all these images In my head.

 

Plus, porn wasn't the only issue, but it's a big one for us!

 

I feel like a guy friend most of the time, instead of the wifey! We have been talking about this and he has been 90% better, and the last time we had sex, I was find and actually there with him, instead of being stuck in the images in my head.

I was just wanting a female input on how to get the images and **** out of my head. This has me me a ever insecure and no faith in myself at the moment. I can't look at myself the same way as I used to.......

[maybealone]

I was just wanting a female input on how to get the images and **** out of my head. This has me me a ever insecure and no faith in myself at the moment. I can't look at myself the same way as I used to.......

 

I am so sorry this is affecting you so much. I do feel like I better understand what you are saying now. It might help to expand upon why you feel like a guy friend though. Is it because your attraction to him has changed, or because he is comfortable watching porn around you, or something else?

 

As far as the porn goes, I don't know your husband or why he watches. But for getting images out of your mind, try thinking of it like this: Your husband can grill you a steak and it tastes delicious. But it might never be quite like the steaks Bobby Flay makes, and he might not ever look like Bobby Flay when he's grilling it. But that doesn't mean you don't love your husband's steak, and it certainly doesn't mean you're not allowed to watch the Food Network.

 

Please don't think I am making light of a situation that is hard for you -- that's not my intent. It's just that we women can take things like porn personally, when oftentimes the guys aren't thinking that way. They are just visual creatures who sometimes like to indulge that visual side of themselves.

[subhub40]

Basically, your husband masterbates after watching porn and you consider that cheating?

 

Hello,

I am new here! I kinda just been browsing the forums, but haven't really see any questions about porn and how to deal with it.

 

My problems started about 3 years ago. Now don't get me wrong, our sex life has always been great! We hardly ever miss a day, maybe every once in a while. I was pregnant with my 2nd child and found out that my husband was watching porn by himself,while I was asleep in bed next to him. At the time it bothered me but didn't say anything,since I wasn't interested in sex at that time, since I was due in a matter of days. I truly don't know how long it went one for,I could careless. I figured after I had the baby everything would go back to normal.

 

Well a few months after, I woke up to him going to the bathroom to finish, so I turned the tv back on to find porn again. I was pissed. I got out of bed and slept on the couch that night. Never talked about it.

 

Now, since we have smart/dumb phones, I no longer find it on the tv, but I do find it on his phone from time to time.Now I haven't found anything in like 4 months now, but I completely have no trust in him when it comes to the topic!

 

My question is, he know I don't approve of it, to me it's cheating, and he knows, so why does he cont. and why it every time we have sex now, all I feel is who he's fantasizing about? Plus I have all those pictures burned into my brain!

[Katie1983]

I am so sorry this is affecting you so much. I do feel like I better understand what you are saying now. It might help to expand upon why you feel like a guy friend though. Is it because your attraction to him has changed, or because he is comfortable watching porn around you, or something else?

 

As far as the porn goes, I don't know your husband or why he watches. But for getting images out of your mind, try thinking of it like this: Your husband can grill you a steak and it tastes delicious. But it might never be quite like the steaks Bobby Flay makes, and he might not ever look like Bobby Flay when he's grilling it. But that doesn't mean you don't love your husband's steak, and it certainly doesn't mean you're not allowed to watch the Food Network.

 

Please don't think I am making light of a situation that is hard for you -- that's not my intent. It's just that we women can take things like porn personally, when oftentimes the guys aren't thinking that way. They are just visual creatures who sometimes like to indulge that visual side of themselves.

 

 

I don't think my attraction to him as change any, I still am madly in love with him! I feel that After 2 kids, he doesn't look at me the same. I feel I am more of a (something that has to be done)chore type,I think! Not to sure how to put it in to words!

Not only is it the porn,but we have been having problems(nothing major) mostly affection and love! See and with him not showing me affection, treating me like I'm one of the guys, the porn has just got stronger in my head. I'm not mad at him about it,Im not even mad about any of it anymore. I'm just frustrated that I can't stop it from flying through my mind several times a day!

[SCandy]

"I'm just frustrated that I can't stop it from flying through my mind several times a day" - sounds like YOU are the one who is addicted to porn....

[Katie1983]

"q] - sounds like YOU are the one who is addicted to porn....

 

Let me fix that. I lay awake at night while he's watching tv, waiting for him to do something. I sit across the room wondering if he's looking at it on his phone. We pass by a hot girl, oh I bet he liked that! I know it's a crazy mind games. I know my mind is screwing with me. How do I make it stop... Why can't I feel normal around him instead of thinking about what bad things he doing!

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi Katie,

 

I have had the same problems.

It's very painful.

My husband was actually addicted to porn (it got very serious with his acting out etc.)

I often felt that even when we were having sex that that was his focus.

Women are very sensitive to their men funding them attractive and not cheating on them.

If he has looked at porn repeatedly and you consider it cheating: then of course you are going to feel betrayed AND it is going to be threatening to the relationship, your self-esteem and be rather traumatic.

 

Human beings tend to focus on things that they are threatened by and being cheated on is a threat that takes places right in your bedroom. Now your are not only in an unwilling competition with every woman that is out there, you are now in competition with the damn tv and the computer too.

 

The world seems like a pretty uncomfortable place when that happens.

 

Since your h doesn't seem to have problems as ingrained as mine, the only way to get rid of the porn from your mind is for porn to leave your environment and the threat to go away. Or eventually you'll just be so numbed out to it that it won't bother you as much anymore. However, in that case you probably won't be very interested in sex with your h by that point.

 

That's what happened to me. Eventually the threat left, and things slowly restabilized. But then, a lot of the old resent cropped up (we are working through it) and now my husband can't get his multi-orgasmic wife all that interested in him anymore. Just too much damage.

 

Deal with it before it gets that bad. You might even want to consider separating for awhile.

 

And don't listen to the garbage that so many men spew out about it being "okay" for you and how you should just accept it. If it is uncomfortable for you to the point where it is regularly invading your thoughts, it isn't okay. At all.

[dreamingoftigers]

Let me fix that. I lay awake at night while he's watching tv, waiting for him to do something. I sit across the room wondering if he's looking at it on his phone. We pass by a hot girl, oh I bet he liked that! I know it's a crazy mind games. I know my mind is screwing with me. How do I make it stop... Why can't I feel normal around him instead of thinking about what bad things he doing!

 

I had the same experience watching Deadwood with my husband, or even being out in public.

 

My husbands problems were pretty bad though. I was always pretty outgoing, confident etc. Now I have trouble going to certain public places where there are a lot of young girls: I.e. The mall, school.

 

I hope it isn't that bad for you.

[volkl1996]

One word here: Communication

 

The two of you should go to a marriage counselor...this is deepr rooted than porn; porn is a sympton, not the cause of something deeper for both of you.