So How Are Women Supposed to Approach Men?

[oaks]

But how do I know which men are interested??

 

Before you approach? You use the same mind reading abilities that us men use when we approach women.

 

Once you've approached it's easier - the interested ones are the ones you have interesting conversations with. In general, once you're past introductions, interested people want to keep communicating with you.

[LZ2000]

This seems to be a very very common complaint about men on the LS forums; that they will no longer approach because of rejection/street harassment. Furthermore, I've been told directly that since I have such abysmal luck with men approaching me, I should pursue them.

 

But how do I know which men are interested?? From my observations, guys don't really seem to give out "I'm interested" body signals. They just... approach. That's HOW they show interest. How do you tell the difference between a guy who is giving signals and being friendly?

 

I mentioned that I've read books about body language, and some posters in the other threads laughed at me and said it should be "instinct." But if you have bad instincts, then what?

 

Furthermore, if I never get any signals (guys don't smile at me, or check me out) then would approaching even really help?

 

I don't smile alot. (Yeah thats me. To me life can be so boring and dull to the point where my frowny face turns almost semi-permanent. And it does give a "signal" that "i'm not interested".)

 

But what I really like is to really have a great conversation with someone! Even more so with a someone of the opposite sex!

 

Yes, sometimes I do see a really beautiful girl, and of course there is an attraction based on physical looks, but I know better that it is after all, the conversation that keeps the attraction alive and well, and if i do like them that much, it certainly bring all those future dates coming.

 

And i think i'd go all the way for a lady who approaches me first. Well, but that's me really.

[TheBigQuestion]

 

This comic is a fairly accurate portrayal of how my conversations with nerdy (or intellectual, swap in the nerd references for books or various philosophies) guys goes: http://i.imgur.com/IFDHq.jpg

 

Hahahaha. Reading this made me laugh.

 

The only thing I've ever really been a nerd about is music (extreme metal, sometimes jazz, sometimes classical) but attitudes like the one in the drawing are not without justification. Yes, there ARE women out there who have a strong familiarity with subjects that are usually within the domain of nerdy males, but they truly are few and far between. For every one woman who really knows her stuff, there are probably 50 who gain a superficial familiarity with nerdy topics in an effort to attract nerdy men.

 

I think the biggest mistake most nerdy people make is that they tend to view (or at least speak about) their interests as if they are genuine accomplishments. Sorry, but being interested in anime, fantasy, sci-fi, certain musical genres, comics, going to comic festivals, playing DnD, gaming or whatever else - none of these are accomplishments, no matter who you are.

 

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: GIRLS DO NOT LIKE METAL! | MetalSucks

 

The above article is an accurate representation of the aforementioned phenomenon in my nerdy neck-o-the-woods.

 

V, just acknowledge that there's a reason that these guys act as skeptical and/or hostile as they do.

[verhrzn]

And you are a supposed "fattie"? I don't buy it. From your weekly schedule, it sounds like you should be in very good shape. I've seen pictures of you and you are not fat. The poor, pitiful me thing is getting old, V.

 

Being in shape doesn't mean I'm skinny. I'm strong and healthy, but I am not lean. I've been told, both in real life and on this forum, that I am very overweight for my height (15-20 pounds, to be precise.) And no matter what I do, I can't seem to lose the weight, short of anorexia.

 

Hahahaha. Reading this made me laugh.

 

The only thing I've ever really been a nerd about is music (extreme metal, sometimes jazz, sometimes classical) but attitudes like the one in the drawing are not without justification. Yes, there ARE women out there who have a strong familiarity with subjects that are usually within the domain of nerdy males, but they truly are few and far between. For every one woman who really knows her stuff, there are probably 50 who gain a superficial familiarity with nerdy topics in an effort to attract nerdy men.

 

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: GIRLS DO NOT LIKE METAL! | MetalSucks

 

The above article is an accurate representation of the aforementioned phenomenon in my nerdy neck-o-the-woods.

 

V, just acknowledge that there's a reason that these guys act as skeptical and/or hostile as they do.

 

*THIS* is why I get defensive and argumentative. It really, really gets under my skin that guys automatically judge me fake, or are quick to jump on any small mistake as "proof" that I'm just "doing it for attention," all because of my gender. I don't see why I should let that stand... why I should acquiescent to their sexist assumptions.

 

And yes, it is sexist. For every woman who "fakes" knowledge (because apparently you only get to have something as a hobby if you are the very best at it, otherwise you're a faker) is a guy "fakes" it just as much. These guys get laughed at, sure, but they don't receive the same suspicion and vitriol that women do.

 

Maybe some of you think I should let this slide in favor of flattering and a relationship, but I don't know if I can. It offends me as a person who likes nerdy things (though I freely admit I am not "the best" at them), and as a woman (that I have to pass some test of knowledge to be introduced into the fan club, based exclusively on what's between my legs.)

 

It's also utterly bizarre to me.... Nerdy guys constantly complain how they can't find women who like the same stuff as they do, that all they want is a "gamer girl," and yet they automatically treat women who express an interest in these topics with scorn and distrust.

 

The best policy with these guys is obviously to not even try, which is why I don't approach anymore. I will not take the blame for how these encounters go when the phenomenon of nerdy animosity is a very real occurrence.

 

This is the real root of all the problems you post about here:

 

False dilemma - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

And... how exactly is the false dilemma the root of my problems? Assume I'm stupid as well as argumentative and please explain the connection.

[TheBigQuestion]

Being in shape doesn't mean I'm skinny. I'm strong and healthy, but I am not lean. I've been told, both in real life and on this forum, that I am very overweight for my height (15-20 pounds, to be precise.) And no matter what I do, I can't seem to lose the weight, short of anorexia.

 

 

 

 

The vast, vast majority of posters here have told you that you are not overweight at all. I agree with them.

 

And truthfully, if you're meeting guys in their mid to late 20s who actually put a premium on whether the girls they want are into all or most of their nerdy hobbies, you're meeting some truly immature men (big surprise there, most nerds suffer from crippling Peter Pan syndrome).

 

What is the appeal of going after nerds again? Most of them are insufferable beta males.

Edited March 2, 2012 by TheBigQuestion

[ShannonMI]

The vast, vast majority of posters here have told you that you are not overweight at all. I agree with them.

 

And truthfully, if you're meeting guys in their mid to late 20s who actually put a premium on whether the girls they want are into all or most of their nerdy hobbies, you're meeting some truly immature men (big surprise there, most nerds suffer from crippling Peter Pan syndrome).

 

What is the appeal of going after nerds again? Most of them are insufferable beta males.

Crippling Peter Pan syndrome....good one. That made me laugh out loud. It's dead on.

 

Maybe the nerds aren't what you should be going for, V. I know you are a self proclaimed nerd yourself, but maybe you need to widen your guy pool. Go for some other type.

[Lonely Ronin]

*THIS* is why I get defensive and argumentative. It really, really gets under my skin that guys automatically judge me fake, or are quick to jump on any small mistake as "proof" that I'm just "doing it for attention," all because of my gender. I don't see why I should let that stand... why I should acquiescent to their sexist assumptions.

 

If you're attracted to gamer guys, they aren't aggressive with you like this, because your a woman IMO. They are aggressive and combative with everyone. One of my younger brothers was a gamer, and he and his male gamer friends where that way. Hyper aggressive with anyone who they felt were putting them down or challenging them in anyway. The only reason I could come up with was because pretty much all of them got relentlessly picked on in HS. It's an insecurity thing, and the reason most of them are still single.

 

 

And... how exactly is the false dilemma the root of my problems? Assume I'm stupid as well as argumentative and please explain the connection.

 

this is a good example.

So.... I should let them say I'm a poser, I'm a fraud, my martial art sucks, etc? I suppose I should just walk away when it gets to that point, but it seems kind of awful to let a falsehood stand. Kind of like, proving them right.

 

as I think zengirl said your viewing everything as black & white. You feel you either need to take it, or stand there and argue. For example, have you ever considered the "whatever" and eye role blow off?

[Fondue]

Approaching a man very simple.

 

Just be PRIMAL.

 

Walk up to him, grab his junk, and say: "I want this."

 

The rest should work itself out.

[Els]

Could have nothing to do with you being physically attractive and the guys not arguing with you because they didn't want to offend you.

 

You also COULD prove yourself through your competitive gaming. In these guys' eyes, there was nothing I could do short of being perfect to prove myself.

 

Oh, V. I once wrote a fairly detailed post to you explaining why the bolded was not the case. It only served to make me feel bad about myself, and received no response - judging from your assumptions here, I doubt it was even read. So I'm not going down that path again. I do genuinely want to help you, but not at the expense of myself. Even if I typed it again, you would fixate on the negative anyhow.

 

So, moving on from there, believe me, some guys have TRIED to go down that route with me. But guess what, it takes two to tango. You seem to view the person who leaves or diffuses an argument as the 'weak' one. I see that person as the stronger one. The one with the greater strength of personality and mind to not proceed down a path of immaturity and frustration. Also, it didn't matter to me what they thought about me, because they were clearly immature guys whom I had no intention of dating once they had revealed themselves to be such.

 

I'm not sure why you seem so intent on PROVING yourself as a geek and gamer. Why?? Does it really matter whether or not strangers view you as the goddess of geekdom? The harder you try to push this on people, the more retaliation you will receive. Your Zelda example was kinda analogous to a guy who can't break Silver league in Starcraft touting himself as a huge pro. He'll just be shot down all around. Doesn't matter that the majority of SC players DON'T break silver. It's that he's making claims he can't necessarily back up.

[Leigh 87]

I still am amazed by this poster....

 

They are the only person who is more negative about my body than I am.

 

EVEN I have found happiness, with the acceptance that I am not perfect, or a " hottie" to all men.

 

 

 

 

I am truly baffled, as to how a perfectly fine looking women, just cannot get any success with men? AVERAGE or unnattractive people do, so I really wish the poster can learn how to come across better to men. Improving her looks won't help, as she is clearly fine...

[Taramere]

This seems to be a very very common complaint about men on the LS forums; that they will no longer approach because of rejection/street harassment. Furthermore, I've been told directly that since I have such abysmal luck with men approaching me, I should pursue them.

 

But how do I know which men are interested?? From my observations, guys don't really seem to give out "I'm interested" body signals. They just... approach. That's HOW they show interest. How do you tell the difference between a guy who is giving signals and being friendly?

 

I mentioned that I've read books about body language, and some posters in the other threads laughed at me and said it should be "instinct." But if you have bad instincts, then what?

 

Furthermore, if I never get any signals (guys don't smile at me, or check me out) then would approaching even really help?

 

I think I mentioned before that you should do all kinds of seductive stuff. Cancel that. The way to get men sniffing around is to be an angry harpy.

 

I'm sure I remember reading somewhere that men generally attribute female anger to annoyance about not having a penis, and so they attempt to mollify the angry woman by offering their own penis. As a temporary stop gap, so to speak. Also, hell hath no fury like an angry woman...and they probably figure they'd rather have you on side if possible. Additionally, as an angry scrapper of a woman you're in a better position to protect future cubs from predators.

 

So let fly with the fury, V. Let it all out, and watch those penises queue up in an effort to calm the troubled waters.

[somedude81]

Wow, guys getting mad at you for saying you like their Zelda keychain?

 

Anybody who gets argumentative about something like that has absolutely no social skills.

 

The fact that a girl noticed something about them and brought it up to start a conversation didn't occur to him at all.

 

Trust me, there was no loss there.

 

It's also utterly bizarre to me.... Nerdy guys constantly complain how they can't find women who like the same stuff as they do, that all they want is a "gamer girl," and yet they automatically treat women who express an interest in these topics with scorn and distrust.

It's just not having any social skills.

 

They're also probably angry at and distrustful of women. And they don't realize that being mean to girls who are trying to make conversation is precisely why they are single.

[somedude81]

 

I thought it's because they have Zelda keychains and that they go to comicons...

That's why 90% of girls don't want them.

 

Then they're rude to the 10% who might.