verhrzn Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 This seems to be a very very common complaint about men on the LS forums; that they will no longer approach because of rejection/street harassment. Furthermore, I've been told directly that since I have such abysmal luck with men approaching me, I should pursue them. But how do I know which men are interested?? From my observations, guys don't really seem to give out "I'm interested" body signals. They just... approach. That's HOW they show interest. How do you tell the difference between a guy who is giving signals and being friendly? I mentioned that I've read books about body language, and some posters in the other threads laughed at me and said it should be "instinct." But if you have bad instincts, then what? Furthermore, if I never get any signals (guys don't smile at me, or check me out) then would approaching even really help? 1
Woggle Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Talk to us like human beings and actually have a friendly conversation.
Author verhrzn Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Talk to us like human beings and actually have a friendly conversation. Except I already do that, and either get cruelly rejected, OR the guy spends the night complaining how the hot girls don't want him. So, how do I approach guys who are actually interested, as opposed to ones who aren't?
zengirl Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Except I already do that, and either get cruelly rejected, OR the guy spends the night complaining how the hot girls don't want him. So, how do I approach guys who are actually interested, as opposed to ones who aren't? You don't know if someone is interested until you approach, generally. Men don't either, no matter how many 'attraction signals' books are out there. Woggle's advice was sound. I'd also say that if you're going to approach -- which I think is good for women to do if they are up for it -- you have to be okay with whatever happens and not internalize the rejection. It's disappointing, always, but don't further reject yourself for getting rejected, which is what gets people down WAY more. Feel proud of yourself for going for it, even when it fails, and if the guy is a jerk, feel relieved, not angry at yourself. If he's a jerk, thank God he showed you; way to dodge a bullet. As to 'how' to approach, if I had to give a 'how to,' it'd be with a light touch and a lot more friendliness than sexiness.
ffw Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 OP, personally, I respect girls who introduce them to me. It shows lot of confidence and independence. Besides, I don't think I came across a guy that would object if a girl approaches him. To answer your question. For a moment think from other person's point of view. If I approach you, how will you know( or I for that matter) that we are genuinely interested in each other. Is there an definite answer? Perhaps the way we show interest in each other, the we talk, body signs, chemistry, etc... Its not about reading books & trying in real life because now you are looking at the other person. Its all about knowing yourself & what will work for you & not. Hope I made myself clear.
Author verhrzn Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 You don't know if someone is interested until you approach, generally. Men don't either, no matter how many 'attraction signals' books are out there. Woggle's advice was sound. I'd also say that if you're going to approach -- which I think is good for women to do if they are up for it -- you have to be okay with whatever happens and not internalize the rejection. It's disappointing, always, but don't further reject yourself for getting rejected, which is what gets people down WAY more. Feel proud of yourself for going for it, even when it fails, and if the guy is a jerk, feel relieved, not angry at yourself. If he's a jerk, thank God he showed you; way to dodge a bullet. As to 'how' to approach, if I had to give a 'how to,' it'd be with a light touch and a lot more friendliness than sexiness. ... Except then I end up friend-zoned. And I HATE approaching. But apparently if I don't do it, I'm a gold-digging worthless whore who expects men to wait on her hand and foot, and I deserve to be alone and abused. There really is no way to win, is there?
TheBigQuestion Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 ... Except then I end up friend-zoned. And I HATE approaching. But apparently if I don't do it, I'm a gold-digging worthless whore who expects men to wait on her hand and foot, and I deserve to be alone and abused. There really is no way to win, is there? No one on LS has expressed that opinion except the most obvious trolls. You always mention how you apparently are average/below average in every way and that you lack any notable talents. I disagree. You're really good at hyperbole.
Lonely Ronin Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I want to make something clear, approaching is not the same thing as pursuing. Pursuing is whats gets people rejected harshly. Pursuing is trying to force something that isn't there. Except I already do that, and either get cruelly rejected, I have a serious question about this, how many times has this happened, and please define cruelly? OR the guy spends the night complaining how the hot girls don't want him. as soon as this happens excuse yourself and walk away. So, how do I approach guys who are actually interested, as opposed to ones who aren't? What you want to watch for is a guy that is watching you. If you catch him watching you a few times, that's who you should approach. By approach I mean if he goes to the bar (for example) to get a drink, walk up and get something as well. A glass of water a shot anything, just come up with a legitimate reason to be standing there. Then start a conversation, if he doesn't show what you consider to be interest, excuse yourself. That's all you have to do. 1
Lonely Ronin Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 ... Except then I end up friend-zoned. If he is single and interested you won't get friend-zoned.
kaylan Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Simple. Walk up. Say hi. Make convo. If they dont seem to interested, excuse yourself after a minute or so.
volkl1996 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I have been approached by woman many times. I put out signals and signs if I am interested.
batyote Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Walk up to him. Talk. Act interested in what he's saying and make a few jokes.
TheBigQuestion Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 To answer the thread question: Take your shirt off. Seriously though, I'm going to repost something I said to you a while back that I don't think you read, and while it may seem like a threadjack now, almost all your threads end up going in the same direction anyway. It's fairly obvious that no one on this board has been able to help you in any meaningful way. You've shot down pretty much every attempt anyone has made to give you their insight as to why you have the issues that you do, and you fight them tooth and nail every single time. In that way, you're a lot like a vocal handful of posters: you love talking about how woeful your life is, no one can understand or help you, and yet you insist on writing thread after thread of self-loathing melodrama. So what's the point in you posting here? Are you not just wasting your valuable free time? I know that LS is sometimes touted as an "advice" board, but it is actually dangerous to treat it as such. A lot of people here are damaged beyond repair and will project their own unhappiness onto you, even some of the respected "board regulars". There was a "Loveshack sucks" blog for a short while (that you can still Google) that was largely true in its assessment of this website. It's a great place to have a debate about issues that most people don't talk about in person because it may implicitly or explicitly involve intense criticism of the opposite sex. It is NOT a good place to receive constructive advice from anyone. Some of the most dysfunctional daters of both sexes frequent LS; addicts, perpetual spinsters, people from woefully dysfunctional families, people with daddy/mommy issues, gold-diggers, divorcees, and so forth. I learned my lesson long ago that virtually no one on LS is qualified to give advice to anyone else. In the few instances when I did post about relationship issues here, I almost always received all sorts of shrill, presumptuous and contradictory nonsense that both board regulars and irregulars spewed, despite the fact that much of what I asked about was hardly controversial or offensive. So what is LS? It's a forum where people seek advice about a very sensitive topic, romantic relationships, given out by people who have never met you and really don't know the first thing about you, whose own romantic lives most often resemble a Greek tragedy. The only advice I'll give is the only truly responsible advice: talk to professionals, talk to a trusted friend, talk to a family member. Talk to someone who knows you. Treat LS for what it actually is. 6
zengirl Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 ... Except then I end up friend-zoned. And I HATE approaching. But apparently if I don't do it, I'm a gold-digging worthless whore who expects men to wait on her hand and foot, and I deserve to be alone and abused. There really is no way to win, is there? I don't think you have to approach---if you don't approach, you're reducing your own odds (though by much less, as a woman than a man would be, but still some) of success---or that it makes you a bad person, and I think repeating stuff trolls say is stupid. Besides, gold diggers TOTALLY approach; successful ones, at least, are completely in control. I want to make something clear, approaching is not the same thing as pursuing. Pursuing is whats gets people rejected harshly. Pursuing is trying to force something that isn't there. This is true.
Nightsky Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Some good points with approaching isn't the same as persuing. Men should persue in the begining. I'd consider you going to a place where men are and smilling at them an approach of sorts. If you walk up and say "hi' or "some weather we've been having" while smiling thats like more then an approach. Like others said you don't really open yourself up for rejection unless you become the man and start with "Lets get dinner what time should I pick you up?" "not free tonight how about some other time?" You don't have to go that far. Really more than approaching men you need to change your approach to life. As in live it and stop stressing over everything.
TheBigQuestion Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 And as an amendment to my prior post: You've said your friends aren't particularly supportive people. Well then ditch them and find supportive people, and then find qualified, reputable professional help as well (not that "Lefkoe" nonsense that one poster keeps trying to peddle here).
Jane2011 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 (edited) I've never approached a guy in public (not that I can recall). I've done a less courageous thing, though, and just left my # for a waiter who I thought was very cute. I put my phone # on the back of a receipt, and my friend gave it to him as we were leaving (I ducked out just 1 minute before/ahead of her) and said it was from me. He called the next day and we dated briefly. He was way too young for me, but I enjoyed seeing him for a while. Even though I don't do that regularly, that's probably how I'd handle it for the rest of my life if I did. I don't have the guts to just go up to a guy and start talking, no matter how many signals he might be giving me (smiles, eye contact). But to be fair, I don't expect guys to do that either even if I'm giving them obvious signals. I was reading the other thread about men not approaching, and thinking about how I don't blame them. I mean, not really. I'd also talk to a guy out in public if the circumstances were really organic for it. i.e. we're standing right next to each other; I might comment on the band or just say something about...anything relevant. If I can say something to him without in any way looking like I'm going out of my way to talk to him, I'll do it. And that's the most I expect from the guy, also. In fact, the other way (walking across a crowded room to go talk to the person or anything like it) just freaks me out. It feels like pressure and 'courting' that way. Of course, I wouldn't complain if some great looking guy did that to me. But I also don't expect him to do it, nor would I likely do it myself. To me, the best circumstances to meet a guy out in public is if you're in some club or organization and you actually are supposed to be talking to the person. I have a male friend who's been tied up with his work/business for the past year and hasn't been actively trying to date. He's back in the game now and prefers to do volunteer work and/or go to certain events that have a built-in group situation. He likes to meet women like that, and I think he's smart to do it that way. I've been doing OLD, and although I got lucky in one situation in mid-October of last year, for the most part, I don't like any of the guys I'm meeting. The thing I was finding most problematic with online dating is that, even though I know there are a variety of people on it, I keep turning up the guys who seem to be very unsocial and are on the site because they don't get out very much. And it's not because they would like to get out but just can't. It's just that they don't like to get out. I'm very social and like to explore the city and cultural events, and this doesn't work well with me. The last guy I was talking to, I invited him to some event that was not in any way a bunch of my personal friends where he would feel awkward, just some small 'public' event that would be no more intimidating than going to coffee one on one. But he insisted that he wasn't comfortable with that and would rather meet one on one. And I know the next thing is, "Well, he probably wanted to keep it light for the first date." Probably so, but the event, which I fully described to him, was as light as coffee at Starbucks. It was the type of thing where you could walk in and out any time. No dinner, no movie. The tiniest street festival, basically, where we could just take a gander at each other and then part ways if nothing was there. Edited March 1, 2012 by Jane2011
Jane2011 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 (edited) Oh yeah, I think the thing I suggested is useful because it spares your ego. If the person doesn't contact you, you never have to know why. The guy maybe has a girlfriend already. Or even if he doesn't have a girlfriend, he may be already talking to some new girl. Or he might be getting over an ex and can't fathom talking to a new woman at the moment. There are all kinds of reasons why he wouldn't contact you that have potentially nothing to do with you, and you never have to know it was because he didn't think you were pretty enough, cool enough, or charming enough. Secondly, you're only minimally invested because you didn't even talk to him. Leaving a number says, "I can tell you were noticing me; I noticed you too. If you're interested, call. But it's not like I'm all that concerned, let the chips fall where they may..." (heh) At the same time, you were assertive enough to leave the number at all. That at least shows you're a little proactive (and bold) about your dating destiny. Edited March 1, 2012 by Jane2011
Author verhrzn Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 I want to make something clear, approaching is not the same thing as pursuing. Pursuing is whats gets people rejected harshly. Pursuing is trying to force something that isn't there. I have a serious question about this, how many times has this happened, and please define cruelly? Let's see, I've approached (as in walked up to a guy and started a conversation) about 20something times in the last two years. One of the three things happen. 1) The guy mocks me in some way. I've had guys moo at me, one of them sneered at me and told me the fatties belonged at the end of the bar, one of them stared at me and then fully turned his back on me while his friends laughed at him. I think this usually happens about 20% of the time. 2) The guy engages me in conversation, but within short order starts talking about either his ex or other girls he likes that have rejected him. Sometimes the guy is sad and mopey, but other times he's angry/bitter that all the "hot girls" have rejected him. If I stick around, I usually end up being a shoulder to cry on until a hot girl DOES give him attention, then he abandons me. This happens about 30% of the time. 3) The guy argues with me. Like he'll be sort of stand-offish and snotty, and not very talkative, until I mention something about myself... like me liking video games, or martial arts. Then he'll start arguing with me about how I don't REALLY like video games, I'm just SAYING I do (I'm a "poser"), or how he bets my martial arts sucks and he knows way more than I do, etc. This last one happens the most. What you want to watch for is a guy that is watching you. If you catch him watching you a few times, that's who you should approach. By approach I mean if he goes to the bar (for example) to get a drink, walk up and get something as well. A glass of water a shot anything, just come up with a legitimate reason to be standing there. Then start a conversation, if he doesn't show what you consider to be interest, excuse yourself. That's all you have to do. And if nobody is watching me? Can I now be off the hook for being judged about not approaching guys?
Lonely Ronin Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Let's see, I've approached (as in walked up to a guy and started a conversation) about 20something times in the last two years. I need more context than this. You just walked up to a guy at a bar that wasn't even looking at you and started talking to him? Pick a given situation and give me two or 3 paragraphs about how it went down. How did you pick him out, whats the location, what did you say? One of the three things happen. 1) The guy mocks me in some way. I've had guys moo at me, one of them sneered at me and told me the fatties belonged at the end of the bar, one of them stared at me and then fully turned his back on me while his friends laughed at him. I think this usually happens about 20% of the time. 2) The guy engages me in conversation, but within short order starts talking about either his ex or other girls he likes that have rejected him. Sometimes the guy is sad and mopey, but other times he's angry/bitter that all the "hot girls" have rejected him. If I stick around, I usually end up being a shoulder to cry on until a hot girl DOES give him attention, then he abandons me. This happens about 30% of the time. 3) The guy argues with me. Like he'll be sort of stand-offish and snotty, and not very talkative, until I mention something about myself... like me liking video games, or martial arts. Then he'll start arguing with me about how I don't REALLY like video games, I'm just SAYING I do (I'm a "poser"), or how he bets my martial arts sucks and he knows way more than I do, etc. This last one happens the most. 1) sounds like dip **** frat boys (they give all men a bad rap). 2) sounds like a loser. 3) sounds like a plain mean person (I hate people like this) Based on the above I see two potential issues. One, with out more context I would say you're cold approaching guys. As in, picking a guy that looks attractive to you and just walking up to him. It doesn't matter how attractive you are this will always have a high rejection rate, as you know nothing about the guy. Two, you need to work on your 'radar', or strongly think about the types of guys you are attracted to. None of the 3 responses you listed are what you would get from a normal well adjusted man. Even if you where hideous (You're not) and incredibly awkward normal people don't treat random people like this. And if nobody is watching me? Can I now be off the hook for being judged about not approaching guys? It's not a hook you need to get off of. Either do it because you wan't more options than you currently have, or don't do it. The choice is yours.
ShannonMI Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 This seems to be a very very common complaint about men on the LS forums; that they will no longer approach because of rejection/street harassment. Furthermore, I've been told directly that since I have such abysmal luck with men approaching me, I should pursue them. But how do I know which men are interested?? From my observations, guys don't really seem to give out "I'm interested" body signals. They just... approach. That's HOW they show interest. How do you tell the difference between a guy who is giving signals and being friendly? I mentioned that I've read books about body language, and some posters in the other threads laughed at me and said it should be "instinct." But if you have bad instincts, then what? Furthermore, if I never get any signals (guys don't smile at me, or check me out) then would approaching even really help? I can always tell when a man is interested in me. Usually he stares, smiles and/or just tries to strike up a conversation. I can tell immediately. I have "the instinct" I guess hahahahaha:laugh:
Author verhrzn Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 I need more context than this. You just walked up to a guy at a bar that wasn't even looking at you and started talking to him? Pick a given situation and give me two or 3 paragraphs about how it went down. How did you pick him out, whats the location, what did you say? Not always a bar. Sometimes it was at a sci-fi convention. There was a time when I was at the salad bar at work, and a very cute guy was next to me in line. I asked him in a friendly jokey tone if he could get some vegetables for me, because my arms were too short to reach the container. He did it for me, looked at me weird, and then quickly fled. I usually picked em out because I think they are look cute and my type. A few times my friends have forced me to talk to the guys; literally shoved me in the guy's direction. If I like how he looks, I walk up to him and make some sort of joke comment. Not usually as lame as "How bout them Yankees," but probably not that far off. One, with out more context I would say you're cold approaching guys. As in, picking a guy that looks attractive to you and just walking up to him. It doesn't matter how attractive you are this will always have a high rejection rate, as you know nothing about the guy. Two, you need to work on your 'radar', or strongly think about the types of guys you are attracted to. None of the 3 responses you listed are what you would get from a normal well adjusted man. Even if you where hideous (You're not) and incredibly awkward normal people don't treat random people like this. How in the world do you work on your 'radar'? Is it possible that guys just aren't into me, in which case, approaching is just gonna result in nothing but further rejection? The types of guys I'm attracted to are usually nerdy or intellectual types. I've tried approaching "normal" guys once or twice, and their response is the same as my coworker... look at me really weird, and then walk away.
lino Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I've been approached a few times by women... some of them I welcomed and others I politely declined. Pretty much all of them went along the lines of ' Hi,I'm ( woman's name), what's your name?' Pretty simple hey? Just go by the same advice men are often given about approaching the opposite sex and you'll be fine.
lino Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Except I already do that, and either get cruelly rejected, OR the guy spends the night complaining how the hot girls don't want him. So, how do I approach guys who are actually interested, as opposed to ones who aren't? You think this only happens to you? There are blokes who go through that on a daily basis. You have to put up with that sort of thing just like they are told to.
Recommended Posts