12 months post seperation, divorced now, dating and having odd emotions

[FitChick]

The OP should date DuckDuckGoose in the Duck's Dilemma thread. They are at the same stage in their lives.

[volkl1996]

Thanks again for all of the thoughtful and productive feedback!

Edited April 4, 2012 by volkl1996

[blueskyday]

Hope all goes well with you. I know you were doing many things right, and trying to slow things down with girl #1.

 

You do sound rather infatuated with girl #2, as you were with girl #1 at one time. I'm sure you do very well during the infatuation period. It's harder when things get closer, progress, etc....

 

May I offer my perspective?

 

I've been where you are, on both sides of the equation. I was abused in my marriage, and have acted just like your girl #1. Let me explain why I did, even though I know it was wrong and have since gotten much needed therapy!

 

Part of that very therapy was learning how to avoid guys who are like you. I mean no disrespect. I only mean that you are emotionally unavailable. I have been that way, myself, ditching perfectly good guys after I made them act crazy with my hot and cold ways.

 

When I was acting like your girl #1, the reason was that I was trying very hard to pick a good guy! I wanted to make sure someone was "safe" for me to proceed, and that he was emotionally available.

 

To me, "emotionally available" looked like a guy who was wanting a great deal of closeness, and was expressive about his feelings. Of course, I see now that I was pretty blind to the other person's feelings and desires, even if he wasn't expressing them verbally, he was definitely running hot and cold....It made me crazy! I was craving consistency and safety, which I wasn't getting.

 

I learned that it is partly up to the other person to make things "safe" for me to proceed, but it is also up to me to make sure they are the right person for me, and me for them. I need someone who is expressive, consistent, kind, disciplined, moral, etc....What they need is important too, so I better find out what it is...

 

Sounds like you can only be close to a woman who isn't really needing you, or is close to you. In time, however, a relationship will progress to a stage where there is more intimacy and closeness....How will you handle that?

 

We all need a balance as another poster put it, between independence and interdependence. Either extreme is unhealthy. But, in my opinion, you took advantage of the girl#1 by continuing to sleep with her without giving her emotional intimacy.

 

It's not up to her for you to be morally disciplined. It's like a guy who doesn't cheat only because he doesn't have the opportunity. I'd rather date a guy who has the integrity to do the right thing...Just something to think about it.

 

It wasn't all her fault. She may desire more closeness than you. I can tell you after a long and abusive marriage, I needed connection. I was so incredibly lonely during my marriage. Once out, I wanted a partner to do things with, talk to, share things...

 

I'm sure I was way too dependent, but it came from a good place of wanting to connect. I know now, that I need to feel good about myself and my time alone in order to be with someone.

 

That said, I will never be with a guy again who is emotionally distant or is a "loner." I want someone who will want a normal healthy progression of intimacy.

 

All that is negotiable, of course, and is why you should talk with girl #2 all along the way about what you need, and what she does.

 

Maybe just watch out for your tendency to run when things get close. It's easy to share and have fun in the beginning when there is nothing at stake.

 

But, it's a normal progression that you are looking for. An even heat, and a general sense of growing closer as time goes on.

 

I have a high sex drive, so I'm constantly trying to keep my libido under wraps when I get to know a guy. Even though my body screams Yes, I want to develop a relationship first, then add sex. Poof! Magic! Sex gets me into trouble because I will get attached.

 

Good luck. Just know that you and girl #1 were just two sides of same coin, and fed into each others' dysfunction.

Edited April 4, 2012 by blueskyday

[volkl1996]

Hope all goes well with you. I know you were doing many things right, and trying to slow things down with girl #1.

 

You do sound rather infatuated with girl #2, as you were with girl #1 at one time. I'm sure you do very well during the infatuation period. It's harder when things get closer, progress, etc....

 

May I offer my perspective?

 

I've been where you are, on both sides of the equation. I was abused in my marriage, and have acted just like your girl #1. Let me explain why I did, even though I know it was wrong and have since gotten much needed therapy!

 

Part of that very therapy was learning how to avoid guys who are like you. I mean no disrespect. I only mean that you are emotionally unavailable. I have been that way, myself, ditching perfectly good guys after I made them act crazy with my hot and cold ways.

 

When I was acting like your girl #1, the reason was that I was trying very hard to pick a good guy! I wanted to make sure someone was "safe" for me to proceed, and that he was emotionally available.

 

To me, "emotionally available" looked like a guy who was wanting a great deal of closeness, and was expressive about his feelings. Of course, I see now that I was pretty blind to the other person's feelings and desires, even if he wasn't expressing them verbally, he was definitely running hot and cold....It made me crazy! I was craving consistency and safety, which I wasn't getting.

 

I learned that it is partly up to the other person to make things "safe" for me to proceed, but it is also up to me to make sure they are the right person for me, and me for them. I need someone who is expressive, consistent, kind, disciplined, moral, etc....What they need is important too, so I better find out what it is...

 

Sounds like you can only be close to a woman who isn't really needing you, or is close to you. In time, however, a relationship will progress to a stage where there is more intimacy and closeness....How will you handle that?

 

We all need a balance as another poster put it, between independence and interdependence. Either extreme is unhealthy. But, in my opinion, you took advantage of the girl#1 by continuing to sleep with her without giving her emotional intimacy.

 

It's not up to her for you to be morally disciplined. It's like a guy who doesn't cheat only because he doesn't have the opportunity. I'd rather date a guy who has the integrity to do the right thing...Just something to think about it.

 

It wasn't all her fault. She may desire more closeness than you. I can tell you after a long and abusive marriage, I needed connection. I was so incredibly lonely during my marriage. Once out, I wanted a partner to do things with, talk to, share things...

 

I'm sure I was way too dependent, but it came from a good place of wanting to connect. I know now, that I need to feel good about myself and my time alone in order to be with someone.

 

That said, I will never be with a guy again who is emotionally distant or is a "loner." I want someone who will want a normal healthy progression of intimacy.

 

All that is negotiable, of course, and is why you should talk with girl #2 all along the way about what you need, and what she does.

 

Maybe just watch out for your tendency to run when things get close. It's easy to share and have fun in the beginning when there is nothing at stake.

 

But, it's a normal progression that you are looking for. An even heat, and a general sense of growing closer as time goes on.

 

I have a high sex drive, so I'm constantly trying to keep my libido under wraps when I get to know a guy. Even though my body screams Yes, I want to develop a relationship first, then add sex. Poof! Magic! Sex gets me into trouble because I will get attached.

 

Good luck. Just know that you and girl #1 were just two sides of same coin, and fed into each others' dysfunction.

 

Wow, well said.

 

Girl #1 sounds a lot like you were. She has been married 2 times, both emotioanlly abusive and controlling men. Prior to me she was engaged to the same. I do not think she put the time and work into working on herself like you did though.

 

I saw this immediately and encouraged her to be careful, to spend time alone, to do exactly what you said you went thru. I told her I was not sure she was ready for a healthy relationship, nor was I. She kept saying over and over and over that I was, that I just needed to allow myselft to be loved. Probably the #1 reason I tried to see if it would work. And yes, we probably were two sides of the same coin. I felt that. I think I have reached a healthier place where I could see it though. She still thinks she is healthy and does not see the pattern she falls into with men.

 

She does not see this and is not willing to put in the work you did. In fact, she went out last night and took pictures of herself with some hunky man and put them on her FB for me to see. She emailed me to see what my reaction was. The same email said she was finally done with me, even though I ended things 2+ weeks ago. She later sent me an I am sorry email stating she loves me, and did this just to get to me.

 

Honestly, the infatuation with Girl #1 almost completely ended after our 2nd date. She came on so strong then and shared so much of her life that I felt smothered. From that date on I was trying to reconnect with her...and never could.

 

I agree about the infatuation with #2. We have only had 2 dates in 11 days and we have plans for 1 date this weekend. After date 1 I was not 100% into her. I liked her, I saw something different in her and I felt a small connection. After date 2, things changed for me and it probably was infatuation. I have been "fighting" that this week, and I feel pretty good now. We are planning a low key, keep it public next date. I am looking forward to seeing her..not for physical intimacy, but to spend time with her. We did that on our first date, same for the 2nd date though later in the 2nd date the "almost sex" happened.

 

It's my plan to go slow with her.

[daphne]

Sounds like you can only be close to a woman who isn't really needing you, or is close to you. In time, however, a relationship will progress to a stage where there is more intimacy and closeness....How will you handle that?

 

This is what I would have said. I've been there once, with a guy like you op and I am very much like #2. I'm a bit avoidant myself and it would not surprise me if your #2 was. When the guy I dated started feeling overwhelmed and reciprocal feelings started developing, he freaked out. He liked me a lot better when I wasn't sure what to make of him. We were moving very slowly, like we both like it. I did not know what an emotionally unavailable man looked like. He looked pretty similar to you. The thing is, if you haven't accepted that love requires risk and that you have to be willing to work through your fear during the time when she starts to need something from your or intimacy is developing, you will be stuck in a certain gear until you do. Everyone is afraid of getting hurt. In that respect, you are not special. However, because of the way you control your distance and use push/pull behavior, you are at a distinct advantage. I'll own that I'm guilty of that myself. However, I take great responsibility on not pulling someone in closer than I know I can handle at a certain time. It's misleading and it does make an average man/woman much clingier than their nature.

 

And I agree that you sound similar in the way you talk about #2 as you did with #1. Despite the fact that #1 has some serious issues, I'm not sure you'll know what to do when you experience similar feelings in the future with someone who doesn't have issues.

 

I'm glad to hear that you are aware of what your issues are. I didn't expect that. I hope you are able to learn and grow from your experiences, and not add too much baggage to others.

[volkl1996]

This is what I would have said. I've been there once, with a guy like you op and I am very much like #2. I'm a bit avoidant myself and it would not surprise me if your #2 was. When the guy I dated started feeling overwhelmed and reciprocal feelings started developing, he freaked out. He liked me a lot better when I wasn't sure what to make of him. We were moving very slowly, like we both like it. I did not know what an emotionally unavailable man looked like. He looked pretty similar to you. The thing is, if you haven't accepted that love requires risk and that you have to be willing to work through your fear during the time when she starts to need something from your or intimacy is developing, you will be stuck in a certain gear until you do. Everyone is afraid of getting hurt. In that respect, you are not special. However, because of the way you control your distance and use push/pull behavior, you are at a distinct advantage. I'll own that I'm guilty of that myself. However, I take great responsibility on not pulling someone in closer than I know I can handle at a certain time. It's misleading and it does make an average man/woman much clingier than their nature.

 

And I agree that you sound similar in the way you talk about #2 as you did with #1. Despite the fact that #1 has some serious issues, I'm not sure you'll know what to do when you experience similar feelings in the future with someone who doesn't have issues.

 

I'm glad to hear that you are aware of what your issues are. I didn't expect that. I hope you are able to learn and grow from your experiences, and not add too much baggage to others.

 

Thanks daphne, again, well said. It's nice to hear this and I need to hear it. I appreciate the time and attention all of you have given to me on this.

 

Girl #1 was an extreme case in my opinion...telling me she loved me on our first real date (we met for 1 hour 2-3 times prior in a work/professional setting).

 

I really want to learn how to be emoptionally available. I do not like being tagged with this nor do I like the way I feel. I own this, I know I have more work to do and I also know I have made great improvements over the past 12+ months.

 

I want to learn how to ge thru those cold and hot days, one day I am crazy nuts about a person, the next day I am cold and distant..."off" if you will.

 

I have been attributing it to meeting the "wrong" girls; and to a degree I believe this is true. I think someone who is a little more indepednent and has their own life can be good for me as it will allow me to start to open up a little more slowly.

 

Girl #2 intriques me, like nobody I have met since my seperation. We talked over email for a long time before we met, and I was attracted to her as a person and her "life story". I am not thinking about her physically (well, not near as much); rather we are having fun text exchanges, sharing a little bit more about each other with each text. I am looking forward to seeing her again, yet I am anxious as I know my hot/cold will probably be there.

 

I am at a lost as to how I work on myself more. I am a big self-helkp believer; I have read lots of self-help books, none on how to be more emotionally available though. Any suggestions are appreciated.

[daphne]

I don't know if you're unavailable due to the divorce, or if you were always somewhat this way. I suspect the latter, but now it's heightened due to the divorce. I don't think you're fully healed. If you were fully healed, you wouldn't be going through this. I think spending time grieving is the most helpful, outside of a relationship. Learning to be on your own without the pressure of a relationship, and knowing you'll be ok regardless.

 

That being said, I doubt you're going to stop dating to take time to fully heal. Anything else you do, you'd have be disciplined to not walk away at the first sign of fear. You can't change how you feel (hot and cold) but you can stop yourself from backing off completely. Communicate well. Be honest with yourself and the person about what you're looking for. Move slowly and get to know her. If you move too fast, you know you're going to get spooked.

 

You pretty much have to make up your mind that you want to work out your issues in a relationship if you're going to date. Anything else will be doing what you've done before and getting the same results. Maybe try cognitive therapy. It gives you insight to the negative thoughts you're having and tools on how to oppose them. To me, most other therapy is just rehashing past experiences that don't change your habits today. The habits you have now can be changed to healthier ones.

[volkl1996]

I don't know if you're unavailable due to the divorce, or if you were always somewhat this way. I suspect the latter, but now it's heightened due to the divorce. I don't think you're fully healed. If you were fully healed, you wouldn't be going through this. I think spending time grieving is the most helpful, outside of a relationship. Learning to be on your own without the pressure of a relationship, and knowing you'll be ok regardless.

 

That being said, I doubt you're going to stop dating to take time to fully heal. Anything else you do, you'd have be disciplined to not walk away at the first sign of fear. You can't change how you feel (hot and cold) but you can stop yourself from backing off completely. Communicate well. Be honest with yourself and the person about what you're looking for. Move slowly and get to know her. If you move too fast, you know you're going to get spooked.

 

You pretty much have to make up your mind that you want to work out your issues in a relationship if you're going to date. Anything else will be doing what you've done before and getting the same results. Maybe try cognitive therapy. It gives you insight to the negative thoughts you're having and tools on how to oppose them. To me, most other therapy is just rehashing past experiences that don't change your habits today. The habits you have now can be changed to healthier ones.

 

Hi daphne, I am doing exactly this with girl #2.

 

3rd date yesterday, went very well...we have set sexual boundaries..we are talking...no rush to the next date either. 3 dates in 3 weeks. We shared a bit about our past relationships last night, yet not too much. We have both agreed to go slow.

 

When I find myself wanting to go full speed ahead, I think about the comments in this post, and I slow myself, and my thoughts down...so thanks! I know it may sound like a broken record...there is something a little different about this girl...I feel it..I have not felt this with a girl for a very loooong time. I was starting to believe there was no such thing as chemistry...yet with her, we both feel "something". We laugh, we both feel giddy, nervously excited...it's very cool.

 

I am scared, anxious, yet excited. I do feel my past dating has brought me to "this" place, so maybe this is my time to grow...we shall see.

 

Journaling my thoughts daily too I think is helping me.

 

Again, thanks so much!

[volkl1996]

Update:

 

Things are going well with girl #2. We have had 4 dates in a 5 week timespan. No sex; lots of intimacy though we both agreed the boundary is no sex. Ending things with girl #1 did not go well...she did not handle it well even though I have been talking about ending it for a long time. Honestly, I never felt like we were dating.

 

I am trying to allow myself to let some guards down with girl #2. She asks great questions that make me think and I am being honest and open with my replies. We are learning about each other slowly, which I like. She is an indepdent free spirit type, I am more conservative. I am attracted to her free spirit.

 

I have a fear that I will answer a question and she will not like my answer. I am working on getting over that realizing I have to communicate and I have to share. I can feel a fear of getting hurt with her as I am starting to like here more and more each time we see each other. She has an energy I am attracted to.

 

We both admit we feel anxious, a little nervous maybe, prior to seeing each other. One look and it all goes away. I do feel a little anxious sometimes when with her; I think it's my fears of letting my walls down and allowing myself to possibly get hurt. I am working hard to do better. A lot of self talk back to myself. I am also working hard to go slow...so is she.

 

My biggest challenge is when we are apart. My mind starts to over analyze things. I am working hard to talk back to myself. I also start thinking about her and want to text her. But I don't, or I wait. I do not want to come across as needy or clingy, like girl #1 did with me. I am working hard to play it cool, to let things move at a slower pace..and I am already seeing the benefits and rewards from doing this. I feel very good.

 

It's still very early, I know that.