Author volkl1996 Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 Your are both very weak people who desperately need to be ON THEIR OWN for at least a year. She throws herself at the first more or less available man she meets, she gives way too much too soon. She's probably someone with a lot to give but she has to learn to keep something of herself to herself. And you don't have the spine to say that right now you are not in a place to have a serious relationship. JUST TELL HER before she will get very hurt. There is nothing wrong with being celibate for a while, I can actually highly recommend it. If you can really live with yourself, you are more relax when it comes to selecting a partner. The urge is no longer there which helps you to avoid making bad choices. Thank you all for the great feedback. I have told her many times I do not want a serious relationship right now. She says she hears me, then the next thign I know more stuff is in my house. I just noticed last night she brought "her" type of coffee over, her sugars, etc. She kept texting me last night wanting to come over to say Hi. I said no over and over. So she shows up at my door crying. She said she wanted a hug and would then leave. Well, we know what that led too even though I repeatedly told her she needed to leave. And yes, I was weak, not strong. What's difficutl here is giving her a reaon. I do not have an exact one. I AM ready to date and I AM ready for a relationship; just not one as intense as this. When I tell her that she backs off for a while and it feels good...then it starts up again. So, should I tell a white lie at this point...like I met someone else? I hate even thinking about saying that as it's not the truth.
PinkInTheLimo Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Thank you all for the great feedback. I have told her many times I do not want a serious relationship right now. She says she hears me, then the next thign I know more stuff is in my house. I just noticed last night she brought "her" type of coffee over, her sugars, etc. She kept texting me last night wanting to come over to say Hi. I said no over and over. So she shows up at my door crying. She said she wanted a hug and would then leave. Well, we know what that led too even though I repeatedly told her she needed to leave. And yes, I was weak, not strong. What's difficutl here is giving her a reaon. I do not have an exact one. I AM ready to date and I AM ready for a relationship; just not one as intense as this. When I tell her that she backs off for a while and it feels good...then it starts up again. So, should I tell a white lie at this point...like I met someone else? I hate even thinking about saying that as it's not the truth. Djeezes man, grow a pair!!! Sorry to be blunt. You act as if all this is just happening to you. But you can do something about this. If she brings more stuff to your house, you bring that stuff back to her house. If you don't want her to come over, then you send her away when she comes knocking on your door. And tell her that you don't want this, that you want her to respect it when you don't want her at your house. You don't have to give her a reason. You only have to tell her that you don't want a relationship with the intensity she wants it and that it is better that you guys don't see each other any more (because there is chemistry and you are both weak). Tell her that what she needs to do right now is to become an independent woman and take care of her kids instead of losing herself completely in yet another relationship which is doomed. Tell her that she should maybe see a therapist, just like you, and that both of you need to learn to be on your own for a while. And you really make me lose all respect for you when you are considering lying to her about having another girlfriend. What is that good for? It's a lie and she will feel betrayed. Just because she is emotionally very dependent right now is no reason to treat her with disrespect. Sigh, yeah that's something weak guys are always good at, at being an *********. Be a decent guy and draw clear boundaries. 1
Author volkl1996 Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 Djeezes man, grow a pair!!! Sorry to be blunt. You act as if all this is just happening to you. But you can do something about this. If she brings more stuff to your house, you bring that stuff back to her house. If you don't want her to come over, then you send her away when she comes knocking on your door. And tell her that you don't want this, that you want her to respect it when you don't want her at your house. You don't have to give her a reason. You only have to tell her that you don't want a relationship with the intensity she wants it and that it is better that you guys don't see each other any more (because there is chemistry and you are both weak). Tell her that what she needs to do right now is to become an independent woman and take care of her kids instead of losing herself completely in yet another relationship which is doomed. Tell her that she should maybe see a therapist, just like you, and that both of you need to learn to be on your own for a while. And you really make me lose all respect for you when you are considering lying to her about having another girlfriend. What is that good for? It's a lie and she will feel betrayed. Just because she is emotionally very dependent right now is no reason to treat her with disrespect. Sigh, yeah that's something weak guys are always good at, at being an *********. Be a decent guy and draw clear boundaries. Again, thanks for the feedback. I like to think of myself as a good person who does not want to see this girl get as upset and hurt as she is. Do I need to growe a pair as you state...not sure, thus the reason for my post. Will I ever lie to her, no, I will not, just tossed it out there. And I do not need therapy. I went through a lot of 1:1 therapy post seperation and I feel very healthy, I grieved my divorce and I feel like I am in a good place; I just met the a good person at the wrong time...our timing is off is how I view it. Again, thanks for all of the feedback. It's helped.
PinkInTheLimo Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Again, thanks for the feedback. I like to think of myself as a good person who does not want to see this girl get as upset and hurt as she is. Do I need to growe a pair as you state...not sure, thus the reason for my post. Will I ever lie to her, no, I will not, just tossed it out there. And I do not need therapy. I went through a lot of 1:1 therapy post seperation and I feel very healthy, I grieved my divorce and I feel like I am in a good place; I just met the a good person at the wrong time...our timing is off is how I view it. Again, thanks for all of the feedback. It's helped. Sorry to burst your bubble but your are not a good person. I always find it amazing what a great opinion guys have about themselves when they are very mediocre. You are hurting this woman a lot by your behaviour. You can't give her what she wants right now, you know it and you still have been using her for sex. Even if she is the one who initiates, you very eagerly participate. You are not in a good place, not by a long shot. As a matter of fact, when you say that in your marriage you gave in all the time, well what are you doing now? But it's double. On the one hand you are giving in but on the other hand you are not present emotionally. You are a typical case of a passive-agressive man. I am pretty sure that if this woman was mean and distant with you, you would be head over heels in love with her. You can't give her what she wants, that should be the bottom line for you. Just tell her, kindly and respectfully. Be firm. Don't let yourself be emotionally blackmailed. Apologize for having been carried away. Tell her that you are not the one to help her deal with her feelings about this, that's work for a therapist of for friends of hers.
Author volkl1996 Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 Sorry to burst your bubble but your are not a good person. I always find it amazing what a great opinion guys have about themselves when they are very mediocre. You are hurting this woman a lot by your behaviour. You can't give her what she wants right now, you know it and you still have been using her for sex. Even if she is the one who initiates, you very eagerly participate. You are not in a good place, not by a long shot. As a matter of fact, when you say that in your marriage you gave in all the time, well what are you doing now? But it's double. On the one hand you are giving in but on the other hand you are not present emotionally. You are a typical case of a passive-agressive man. I am pretty sure that if this woman was mean and distant with you, you would be head over heels in love with her. You can't give her what she wants, that should be the bottom line for you. Just tell her, kindly and respectfully. Be firm. Don't let yourself be emotionally blackmailed. Apologize for having been carried away. Tell her that you are not the one to help her deal with her feelings about this, that's work for a therapist of for friends of hers. Again, thanks for the feedback and opinions of me. I have heard you.
The Blue Knight Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Djeezes man, grow a pair!!! Sorry to be blunt. You act as if all this is just happening to you. But you can do something about this. If she brings more stuff to your house, you bring that stuff back to her house. If you don't want her to come over, then you send her away when she comes knocking on your door. And tell her that you don't want this, that you want her to respect it when you don't want her at your house. You don't have to give her a reason. You only have to tell her that you don't want a relationship with the intensity she wants it and that it is better that you guys don't see each other any more (because there is chemistry and you are both weak). Tell her that what she needs to do right now is to become an independent woman and take care of her kids instead of losing herself completely in yet another relationship which is doomed. Tell her that she should maybe see a therapist, just like you, and that both of you need to learn to be on your own for a while. And you really make me lose all respect for you when you are considering lying to her about having another girlfriend. What is that good for? It's a lie and she will feel betrayed. Just because she is emotionally very dependent right now is no reason to treat her with disrespect. Sigh, yeah that's something weak guys are always good at, at being an *********. Be a decent guy and draw clear boundaries. Volk, Pink is right. I might add that you can't keep complaining about this woman and then ending up in the sack with her. It's starting to sound like you're just using her which isn't how you sounded when you created this thread. If you want boundaries, you can't keep slipping between the sheets with her at every opportunity. You're tossing her mixed signals and as abused as she's been in the past due to poor intimate relationships, you really need to be aware that this kind of dynamic could be doing further harm. She's obviously suffering from some self-esteem issues which is why she uses sex to "make it all better." That being the case, she needs to know that she has self-worth without there being sexual contact. How's she going to ever figure that out if you continue to carry on like this?
Emilia Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Again, thanks for the feedback and opinions of me. I have heard you. Ignore her. We discussed similar people on another thread but from a woman's point of view. This is the trouble when you date needy people, they make you feel guilty and yet often they don't take responsibility for the outcome of the dating/relationship. She might calm down though as she starts trusting you (perhaps she is just really anxious at the moment) and you are having great sex remember.
Author volkl1996 Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 (edited) Well, over the past 2-3 weeks I have told her I need to stop, that this is not the right relationship for me. She has not heard me, or refuses to hear me and keeps coming over to my house, keeps texting, keeps emailing as if I never said anything. I decided to start NC last week with her emails, texts and calls. It hurt, bad, as I care about her and cannot stand to see her that way. She said she now gets it, yet she wants to come over one more time tonight to say goodbye. I told her no, not a good idea, yet she says she is coming anyway. Edited April 2, 2012 by volkl1996
RedRobin Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 ...and in the space of time it took me to write this, you edited out the part where you met somone new "in all this time" you were going back and forth with the first girl. So, the new girl thinks you've been a 'gentleman', but in reality, you've been sort of in the middle of another situation. Getting sex from woman #1 while you romance woman #2 and manage to hold off sexually... thereby creating a more normal and reasonable pace. Any possibility you could learn some discipline that doesn't involve using a woman for sex? Or, I guess this is supposed to be how things work in the "we haven't had the exclusive talk" yet... 1
Author volkl1996 Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 ...and in the space of time it took me to write this, you edited out the part where you met somone new "in all this time" you were going back and forth with the first girl. So, the new girl thinks you've been a 'gentleman', but in reality, you've been sort of in the middle of another situation. Getting sex from woman #1 while you romance woman #2 and manage to hold off sexually... thereby creating a more normal and reasonable pace. Any possibility you could learn some discipline that doesn't involve using a woman for sex? Or, I guess this is supposed to be how things work in the "we haven't had the exclusive talk" yet... Hi RedRobin, well said and I am glad you said this. In my mind, and my heart, the first girl and I were not dating and were not "serious". I made this very clear to her many times, though as she states she did not believe me so she kept coming on strong. Yes, I was weak, though 4+ weeks ago I told her I had to stop and I have continued to deliver that message. I have since learned she has been emailing my friends and doing other crazy, not so stable things, so my gut was right on her. Girl #2, I honestly, and I mean that, honestly I did not expect what happened this weekend to happen. It truly caught me off guard. I assumed we would meet again for 2 hours or so and just talk. I like talking to her...she is interesting, she is funny, she has great stories, I find myself smiling when I am in front of her. In fact, my attraction for her grew as we talked more and more. it was not that anaimalistic crazy attraction at first. With girl #1, the attraction decreased the more time we spent together. Girl #2 is meeting other men, I am no fool on that; so in my heart I did not, and do not, feel like I am doing anything wrong here. Though I do understand what you are saying. I guess my point in my last post was to say it feels good to know I am ready to meet the right person; unfortunately I have been meeting the wrong ones. Is girl #2 that right person? It's way too early to tell. I just know it felt great to meet someone I connected with and had those "feelings" come up again inside me. I have not felt those in a very long time. I am sure it's some infatuation...though talking with her for as long as I did prior to meeting was very nice. And while I was talking to her, even before, I told girl #1 I did not want to keep seeing her. Yet, as you state, I allowed her to control that and did see her 1-2 more times. That was wrong.
blindesided Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 My thoughts exactly - I was getting ready to write a response saying I hope he was honest with girl #1 & tell her he met someone else & not keep her on the backburner (which I am inclined to believe he will) Yes it will hurt her - but it will hurt a lot less if you are honest with her & cut off all communication so she can heal. You are just as dependant on her if you continue to let her come back in your life. Please please do her the biggest favor of her life & forget her number & block her - because I can see this scenerio playing out ..... you date girl #2 for a while intil it runs its course - weeks, months...who knows - once the "newness & honeymoon" stage wears off....guess what - you are feeling lonely & you know girl #1 was over the moon for you...so you call her back up - she gets her hopes up - only to have you repeat the cycle. No wonder there are so many of us on here posting about heartbreak when there are guys like you out there....geesh.... This makes me want to jump right back into the dating pool.....NOT!
Author volkl1996 Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 My thoughts exactly - I was getting ready to write a response saying I hope he was honest with girl #1 & tell her he met someone else & not keep her on the backburner (which I am inclined to believe he will) Yes it will hurt her - but it will hurt a lot less if you are honest with her & cut off all communication so she can heal. You are just as dependant on her if you continue to let her come back in your life. Please please do her the biggest favor of her life & forget her number & block her - because I can see this scenerio playing out ..... you date girl #2 for a while intil it runs its course - weeks, months...who knows - once the "newness & honeymoon" stage wears off....guess what - you are feeling lonely & you know girl #1 was over the moon for you...so you call her back up - she gets her hopes up - only to have you repeat the cycle. No wonder there are so many of us on here posting about heartbreak when there are guys like you out there....geesh.... This makes me want to jump right back into the dating pool.....NOT! Thanks for the feeback. I did full 100% NC with Girl #1 starting last week. She was emailing, texting, leaving voicemails and I did not reply. Last night she sent me an email saying she gets it now. I have zero intentions of falling back on her. I am NOT that type. In fact, for 4+ weeks now I have been encouraging her to go out with her friends, to meet new people, including men. She would tell me a man approached her or emailed her..I replied stating Great! I have no plans of telling her I met someone else as that is not what happened, that is not why I ended things with her. I get your reply and RedRobins, and yes, to a degree, i feel like a player or a bad guy. In my heart though I know what I told girl #1 weeks ago. I now know she refused to listen, that she did not believe me. My weakness was continuing to reply to her texts, though very brief, and letting her "in" when she needed a hug. Lesson learned there.
ariadne999 Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 stop acting like you care about anyone else's feelings but your own. There's a reason why you're divorced after all. But hey, you got your dick wet, which compared to most 'men' on this site is quite a feat. Im betting you ski. douchebag for sure.
KathyM Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Thanks for the feeback. I did full 100% NC with Girl #1 starting last week. She was emailing, texting, leaving voicemails and I did not reply. Last night she sent me an email saying she gets it now. I have zero intentions of falling back on her. I am NOT that type. In fact, for 4+ weeks now I have been encouraging her to go out with her friends, to meet new people, including men. She would tell me a man approached her or emailed her..I replied stating Great! I have no plans of telling her I met someone else as that is not what happened, that is not why I ended things with her. I get your reply and RedRobins, and yes, to a degree, i feel like a player or a bad guy. In my heart though I know what I told girl #1 weeks ago. I now know she refused to listen, that she did not believe me. My weakness was continuing to reply to her texts, though very brief, and letting her "in" when she needed a hug. Lesson learned there. You did the right thing by breaking it off with the first woman. She was not emotionally healthy, and from the sound of it, she had a Dependent Personality Disorder. It's suffocating to be in a relationship with that type of emotionally unhealthy person. I'm glad you found the courage to get out of it.
daphne Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 You did the right thing by breaking it off with the first woman. She was not emotionally healthy, and from the sound of it, she had a Dependent Personality Disorder. It's suffocating to be in a relationship with that type of emotionally unhealthy person. I'm glad you found the courage to get out of it. From the sound of it, neither of them is emotionally healthy. You have a stage 5 clinger with an avoidant personality. Romance made in heaven. I don't mean any disrespect by being so blunt op, but I think you have a lot of excuses to justify being selfish and using this girl. I think you are going to inevitably hurt a few other people with your behavior until you get the consequences of your actions, if you do. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. 1
KathyM Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 I think some of you posters are being too hard on the OP. Granted he shouldn't be having sex with her if he's trying to cool it with her, but when a woman is basically forcing herself in to his place, and actively trying to use sex to keep him, there's not a whole lot of men who are going to turn down a woman who throws themselves at him. Of course he should have been stronger and turned her down, but I don't see him as being anything but a normal man. If the woman is constantly Emailing, phoning, texting, etc., and has a history of dependent and unhealthy relationships, he has a valid point and valid concerns that this woman is too needy and too suffocating. Just because he doesn't want that kind of unhealthy woman doesn't make him avoidant. It only means he doesn't want someone who is overstepping her boundaries and overly dependent on a relationship with a man.
RedRobin Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 (edited) I think some of you posters are being too hard on the OP. Granted he shouldn't be having sex with her if he's trying to cool it with her, but when a woman is basically forcing herself in to his place, and actively trying to use sex to keep him, there's not a whole lot of men who are going to turn down a woman who throws themselves at him. Of course he should have been stronger and turned her down, but I don't see him as being anything but a normal man. If the woman is constantly Emailing, phoning, texting, etc., and has a history of dependent and unhealthy relationships, he has a valid point and valid concerns that this woman is too needy and too suffocating. Just because he doesn't want that kind of unhealthy woman doesn't make him avoidant. It only means he doesn't want someone who is overstepping her boundaries and overly dependent on a relationship with a man. Oh. Waaa! I believe his penis is attached to his body, not hers. She demonstrated these behaviors very early in their interaction. He kept her going until he could get some back up booty. Let's just call it like it is and stop making excuses for him... I'm rather tired of some men getting a pass for bad behavior and bad choices. I rather think that most men are better than this and can take responsibility for their own sexuality. Although, there seems to be no shortage of women who will say "aww, poor baby, let me fix it for you" and overlook all that. Which is why he's gotten to the age of 40-something without changing anything. You'd think the divorce would have been a great big wake up call. Maybe it has been. I'll soften this up a bit and say the OP has more work to do. He admitted himself that he jumps into things too quickly and then puts on the brakes. He needs to take his share of responsibility for the pace of a relationship. Others have suggested that he try a period of abstinence until he get control of his sexuality and learns healthier relationship patterns. Although, I'm sure he just feels he hasn't found the 'right woman'. I find that many men don't learn self-discipline and instead throw it off on the woman to do that work. Ok, well, that strategy hasn't been working that great with the OP. Edited April 4, 2012 by RedRobin
daphne Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Kathy, I think you're missing what a lot of us are seeing. The OP isn't really taking any responsibility for his actions, and he's hurting people. He puts a certain spin on things (to the extent of lying) to avoid looking like the bad guy. He's in denial about the state of his emotions post divorce. He's a classically emotionally unavailable man who's acting passive aggressive to be the good guy. Whereas the woman clearly has codependency issues, that doesn't affect his responsibility in the relationship. It's not her fault that he treated her the way he did. He would have probably treated any woman about the same and come up with similar excuses. This is about his behavior not hers. She's not on here posting or I'd tell her she needs help. It's almost like she was the perfect choice for an emotionally unavailable person. He could never really love her because he's a bit repulsed by her codependency, so she's safe to keep around until she gets annoying. I agree with what a lot of RR has to say, and I hope the OP does some work on his own. I'm surprised that this hasn't been picked up in counseling.
Author volkl1996 Posted April 4, 2012 Author Posted April 4, 2012 Thanks for all of the replies. I have received over 100 texts from her this weeek, and many emails. I did full NC. She has been begging to see me for closure..though her last contact was so I could see her and get back to where we were when we first met. Still NC from me. She invited me to meet her out last night with a local dinner MeetUp...still NC. This morning she has photos of herself hugging and clingling to some hunky dude at the MeetUp and then some bar after that. They are FB friends now. She then sends me a GoodBye email, attacking me, criticising me, saying she is so happy now, etc. So, I made the right decision. She is going right into another mess. Counseling? Yes, I have been in LOTs of counseling. I went thru quite a bit post seperation. I went thru quite a bit in my mid 20s. I was raised by an emotionally abusive step-father who was physically abusive to my mom. Yes, I know I am emotiuonally unavailable...I think it's because I am afraid to get hurt. Girl #2, I feel it, for the first time in a loooong time. I think about her a lot. She makes me laugh, she has great wit, we banter...I like her...we have a connection and the chemistry is there..I can see a friendship/relationship developing. We put the sexual brakes on and I am glad we did. I soooo desperately want to be emotionally available...allow myself to feel love. I have not felt this with any of the woman I have dated post seperation/divorce. Counseling did not teach me how to do this...I think it simply means taking a chance. Counseling helped me realize why I am the way I am. So, maybe it's time for me. We shall see. Again, i think you all are spot on..and I need to hear this...
KathyM Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Oh. Waaa! I believe his penis is attached to his body, not hers. She demonstrated these behaviors very early in their interaction. He kept her going until he could get some back up booty. Let's just call it like it is and stop making excuses for him... I'm rather tired of some men getting a pass for bad behavior and bad choices. I rather think that most men are better than this and can take responsibility for their own sexuality. Although, there seems to be no shortage of women who will say "aww, poor baby, let me fix it for you" and overlook all that. Which is why he's gotten to the age of 40-something without changing anything. You'd think the divorce would have been a great big wake up call. Maybe it has been. I'll soften this up a bit and say the OP has more work to do. He admitted himself that he jumps into things too quickly and then puts on the brakes. He needs to take his share of responsibility for the pace of a relationship. Others have suggested that he try a period of abstinence until he get control of his sexuality and learns healthier relationship patterns. Although, I'm sure he just feels he hasn't found the 'right woman'. I find that many men don't learn self-discipline and instead throw it off on the woman to do that work. Ok, well, that strategy hasn't been working that great with the OP. I'm not condoning his behavior in having sex with her. He should not have. I'm just saying I think he was trying to cool it with her in as gentle way as he could, but she kept the pressure on him and kept trying to seduce him because she thought that would keep him. He did recognize that she had issues earlier on in the relationship, and he was trying to work with her on those--suggesting she develop other friendships and interests, and he was trying to set some appropriate boundaries that he was comfortable with. None of that worked with her. She has a Dependent Personality Disorder, or possibly Borderline Personality Disorder, or both. But I would agree with you that he would be wise to have more control over his sexual impulses in future relationships, because sex does bring an emotionally charged aspect into a relationship, and it does cause women to become too emotionally attached too early on.
mostlyclueless Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 1. This girl you've been dating is nuts. 2. That doesn't change the fact that you definitely sent her mixed signals, saying you didn't want to see her anymore and then proceeding to put your penis inside of her. 3. The things you are saying about the new girl sound exactly like what you said about Nutso in the beginning. The cycle begins again... 4. You are not done with therapy.
KathyM Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Thanks for all of the replies. I have received over 100 texts from her this weeek, and many emails. I did full NC. She has been begging to see me for closure..though her last contact was so I could see her and get back to where we were when we first met. Still NC from me. She invited me to meet her out last night with a local dinner MeetUp...still NC. This morning she has photos of herself hugging and clingling to some hunky dude at the MeetUp and then some bar after that. They are FB friends now. She then sends me a GoodBye email, attacking me, criticising me, saying she is so happy now, etc. So, I made the right decision. She is going right into another mess. Counseling? Yes, I have been in LOTs of counseling. I went thru quite a bit post seperation. I went thru quite a bit in my mid 20s. I was raised by an emotionally abusive step-father who was physically abusive to my mom. Yes, I know I am emotiuonally unavailable...I think it's because I am afraid to get hurt. Girl #2, I feel it, for the first time in a loooong time. I think about her a lot. She makes me laugh, she has great wit, we banter...I like her...we have a connection and the chemistry is there..I can see a friendship/relationship developing. We put the sexual brakes on and I am glad we did. I soooo desperately want to be emotionally available...allow myself to feel love. I have not felt this with any of the woman I have dated post seperation/divorce. Counseling did not teach me how to do this...I think it simply means taking a chance. Counseling helped me realize why I am the way I am. So, maybe it's time for me. We shall see. Again, i think you all are spot on..and I need to hear this... I think you dodged a bullet there. It sounds like you found someone who is more of a match now, and more of an emotionally healthy woman. Good luck with that. I hope it works out for you.
Author volkl1996 Posted April 4, 2012 Author Posted April 4, 2012 1. This girl you've been dating is nuts. 2. That doesn't change the fact that you definitely sent her mixed signals, saying you didn't want to see her anymore and then proceeding to put your penis inside of her. 3. The things you are saying about the new girl sound exactly like what you said about Nutso in the beginning. The cycle begins again... 4. You are not done with therapy. Not so much Nutso was emotionally dependent on me from day 1..new girl, not at all. New girl has a life of her own, I see that and I am attracted to that. Nutso wanted to see me every day from day 1. New girl, not at all. Yes, I did send mixed signal to girl #1; my actions did not match my words. Big lesson learned. I was wrong. I am approaching new girl with some of the skills I learned in therapy and from some of my readings. So, I am changing and trying. I never had a chance to do this with girl #1 as it was crazy from the get go.
mostlyclueless Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 I am not saying the new girl's behavior is the same -- just that your thought processes sound the same. Be careful not to repeat the same mistakes.
KathyM Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Kathy, I think you're missing what a lot of us are seeing. The OP isn't really taking any responsibility for his actions, and he's hurting people. He puts a certain spin on things (to the extent of lying) to avoid looking like the bad guy. He's in denial about the state of his emotions post divorce. He's a classically emotionally unavailable man who's acting passive aggressive to be the good guy. Whereas the woman clearly has codependency issues, that doesn't affect his responsibility in the relationship. It's not her fault that he treated her the way he did. He would have probably treated any woman about the same and come up with similar excuses. This is about his behavior not hers. She's not on here posting or I'd tell her she needs help. It's almost like she was the perfect choice for an emotionally unavailable person. He could never really love her because he's a bit repulsed by her codependency, so she's safe to keep around until she gets annoying. I agree with what a lot of RR has to say, and I hope the OP does some work on his own. I'm surprised that this hasn't been picked up in counseling. I guess I'm not getting the same vibe from this scenario. I think he tried to put the breaks on the relationship when he realized it was getting too serious too fast, and it was her that was pushing for too heavy of a relationship from the get go, and her using sex to keep him in the relationship. But if he does have a tendency to push away when a relationship starts progressing under normal circumstances, he should certainly seek counseling to try to get past that.
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