12 months post seperation, divorced now, dating and having odd emotions

[volkl1996]

KathyM, you are right, and this is a conversation I had with her a few weeks ago. Of course nobody wants to hear they are clingy and needy so I do not think she heard it. I used the words "emotionally dependent" hoping she would get it. I alos used "unhealthy" in the discussion.

 

She has a free day today as it's a snow day for the kids. She will not have her kids for 10 days in mid April. She sent me an email this morning about a place she wants to visit (she talked about this yesterday), that we could rent a hotel and go there for the weekend. I am simply not ready for that.

[carhill]

Pretend I'm her. Tell me how you feel right now.

 

Example (not advice): 'I really like you and this has been a wonderful time for me after the pain of my divorce. I also feel rushed by how fast things are moving and would like time for my emotions, which are still recovering after my divorce, to catch up with events so I can honestly feel in the moment with you. How do you feel about that?'

[volkl1996]

Hi carhill, thanks for the feedback. I have said almost exactly that. She says she understands and is OK going slow. I do not use my divorce as a reason though.

 

I am still having my "off" and feeling distant days though, like today after spending time with her yesterday I feel a little distant and not near as emotionally attached as she is.

 

Today, I feel like I need a few days to myself, to do my "stuff", to be alone, to go out with a buddy maybe, to just sit in my house alone. I do not need texts all day, emails, and planning future dates. Knowing me, in a few days, I will miss her and want to spend some time with her.

 

Today she is giving me a play by play of her day (via texting and emails) "I am doing this", "I just did that", "I am thinking of this"...it drives me nuts. I do not respond now, I just "listen".

 

Another example, last night, around 7:30PM, she got a text from her sitter stating she was sorry but she had to leave early...she could stay another hour. She got upset I could tell. I told her it was fine, I needed some time do get some stuff done anyway and it's not within her control what her sitter has to do. She was visibily upset though. I was actually ok with it. After talking for a bit she seemed ok. It bothered me though that she got mad almost and was upset. No big deal to me..things happen.

Edited March 5, 2012 by volkl1996

[carhill]

Can you envision having a different relationship 'style' than she does? If that scans, can you reconcile that difference as healthy and acceptable for yourself? How did things go in your past LTR's and M? Do you sense any commonalities?

 

She says she understands and is OK going slow.

Ask for clarification. Examples. What does 'going slow' mean, specifically? Give some yourself. Be honest. If there is synergy, such discussions should bring you closer together and be a positive experience. Great canary to watch. Good luck

[volkl1996]

Can you envision having a different relationship 'style' than she does? If that scans, can you reconcile that difference as healthy and acceptable for yourself? How did things go in your past LTR's and M? Do you sense any commonalities?

 

Ask for clarification. Examples. What does 'going slow' mean, specifically? Give some yourself. Be honest. If there is synergy, such discussions should bring you closer together and be a positive experience. Great canary to watch. Good luck

 

Your "bring you closer" comment makes sense. As we were talking last night I felt closer to her. Then the play by play texting and emailing starts again today. That stopped for a while after our last talk. Then the "Plan a weekend get away" email came.

 

Last night she said "we have not made plans for this week". I know, i don't want to yet.

[carhill]

Clarification is a two-way street. Give her examples of what you mean by 'going slow'.

 

Example (not advice): 'I feel more relaxed and intimate right now when I have quiet time to myself in between our dates. It is nice to hear from you. How do you feel about me just listening and not engaging during those times? Sometimes I feel this pressure to respond and that stresses me out.'

[volkl1996]

Dude, you clearly not in to this girl, and you will hurt her sooner or later when time comes for "the talk".....set her free, she deserves to be with someone who is in to her, like she is in to you....Man I wish i girl would do all these things to me....I like feeling of being loved...but it has to be a girl i like too....so there..

 

You may be right...thus the why I originally posted my story. Just trying to figure out what is it I feel for her and how much of my distant feeling is real, how much of it is her, how much of it is me being me since I have done this before, etc.

 

When things feel "normal" I am into her. Then all of the emotional dependence stuff comes out and I feel distant.

 

Example of what's in my head: At one point yesterday while in the car she turned to give me a kiss. I saw all of this "orange" makeup stuff she likes to wear and I saw "ugly". I have told her she does not need to wear it for me, that I like more of a natural girl. I feel like I am controlling when I share this with her. So is this real...how can she look ugly one minute and beautiful to me the next? Or is it my head trying to figure all of this out?

Edited March 5, 2012 by volkl1996

[volkl1996]

I know what you mean, I hate make-up on a naturally cute girl, but it is a paradox. The more she likes you, the more she wants to wear it, since she thinks, it makes her MORE attractive......she will stop or use less, if you tel her, that you DON'T LIKE, how she looks in the make up that she is using. It might hurt her a little, but she will stop, since she like you a lot.

 

And she did spray on tan stuff this weekend. I could smell it, it was sticky...ugh!

 

So I start to ask myself am I really into her if this bothers me so much. If I was into her I would think it would not bother me. When we were talking last night she had her hair pulled back, she had washed her face from our hike, she had sweated a bit...she looked great to me then!

[The Blue Knight]

So I find myself thinking about her today, wanting to reach out and make plans with her for the weekend, though I don't. Why? Because I am concerned I will wake up tomorrow feeling indifferent/strange again.

 

It would be easy to invite myself over to spend the evening with her, or make plans to go out with her tomorrow night, when I feel this way. Though I know my history with "feelings" so I don't. Still wondering if I am not allowing myself to get close.

 

In many ways you've taken the right steps volk. You put the brakes on and slowed things down which I think was the right thing to do. Things were moving too fast.

 

There are a lot of women out there who latch onto one man and then the next, and the next, and you need to protect yourself and be very careful. I've read far too many relationships posted on loveshack that start out just like yours is now, then two years into the marriage, she's withdrawn, non-sexual, sullen, cranky, etc.

 

There's no hurry here. Take your time.

 

The emotions coming and going I think are natural. I know that I can sit and pick at little flaws in any person if I want too, and in relationships with intimacy, flaws can be even more magnified. But as I've gotten older I look at the "whole package" and focus less on the little so-called "flaws" so long as they remain little.

 

There are other aspects to your posting that make you sound Seinfeldish (if you know the show). Jerry is always finding great women only to find little picky flaws to cause the relationships to go south. I hope that's not you because you'll never be content with anyone if that's the case.

 

My ex cheated on me two decades ago. She finally divorced me in the mid 90s and God put a great gal in my life a few months later and I married her a couple years after we met. They are nothing alike and my current wife is very low maintenance. She has flaws but they are nothing sizable. Besides, if you're like me, you have flaws and I appreciate a woman who loves me with the flaws I bring to the relationship.

 

If there's one thing I tell all men, and this is something most can only grasp if they've had a wife like I had the first time . . . if you're looking long term, go low maintenance. High maintenance women will wear you down and they are never satisfied for more than 15 minutes. They are never truly happy with themselves or what things they have in life. Low maintenance on the other hand are happy just to share their life with you. If you can make that determination about your new love, that will be very helpful down the road.

[volkl1996]

In many ways you've taken the right steps volk. You put the brakes on and slowed things down which I think was the right thing to do. Things were moving too fast.

 

There are a lot of women out there who latch onto one man and then the next, and the next, and you need to protect yourself and be very careful. I've read far too many relationships posted on loveshack that start out just like yours is now, then two years into the marriage, she's withdrawn, non-sexual, sullen, cranky, etc.

 

There's no hurry here. Take your time.

 

The emotions coming and going I think are natural. I know that I can sit and pick at little flaws in any person if I want too, and in relationships with intimacy, flaws can be even more magnified. But as I've gotten older I look at the "whole package" and focus less on the little so-called "flaws" so long as they remain little.

 

There are other aspects to your posting that make you sound Seinfeldish (if you know the show). Jerry is always finding great women only to find little picky flaws to cause the relationships to go south. I hope that's not you because you'll never be content with anyone if that's the case.

 

My ex cheated on me two decades ago. She finally divorced me in the mid 90s and God put a great gal in my life a few months later and I married her a couple years after we met. They are nothing alike and my current wife is very low maintenance. She has flaws but they are nothing sizable. Besides, if you're like me, you have flaws and I appreciate a woman who loves me with the flaws I bring to the relationship.

 

If there's one thing I tell all men, and this is something most can only grasp if they've had a wife like I had the first time . . . if you're looking long term, go low maintenance. High maintenance women will wear you down and they are never satisfied for more than 15 minutes. They are never truly happy with themselves or what things they have in life. Low maintenance on the other hand are happy just to share their life with you. If you can make that determination about your new love, that will be very helpful down the road.

 

Very insightful, thoughtful and well thought out.

 

All of the replies here have been!

 

Thanks!

[The Blue Knight]

And she did spray on tan stuff this weekend. I could smell it, it was sticky...ugh!

 

So I start to ask myself am I really into her if this bothers me so much. If I was into her I would think it would not bother me. When we were talking last night she had her hair pulled back, she had washed her face from our hike, she had sweated a bit...she looked great to me then!

 

volk, you're over-thinking this. Just enjoy the time with her and be thankful that a woman is that into you. Many people will go their entire lives without finding that special someone. Are you willing to risk this relationship ending by prematurely complaining to her about these little issues?

 

My wife looks good in makeup or without it. But I prefer her with some makeup. She gets dark circles under her eyes which are readily obvious without makeup. I don't dwell on it either way to be honest. That's just her and I accept who she is in that regard.

 

If your girl is putting on tanning spray, trust me, she's trying to be more attractive for you. Don't get all hung up on it. How many guys are on loveshack complaining that their wives no longer put on anything sexy, or wear makeup, or even dress up nicely? Lots of them! Enjoy the fact that she's making herself up FOR YOU and quit picking at this.

[volkl1996]

More thoughts from yesterday:

 

She texted me all day up until about 2PM.."I miss you" "I am doing this" "I am doing that"..she asked for a referral to an tax accountant, so I gave her mine, she cced me on all the emails to the accountant.

 

It was almost 8PM, I was out with a buddy for dinner and realized I had not heard from her. I actually worried about her as THIS was a long time to not hear from her. So I sent her a quick text telling her I was out for dinner with a buddy. She replied with something like Have Fun. This felt normal to me and I liked it.

 

I got home about an hour later and I had 5+ texts from her telling me how she reconnected with an old friend today (I have been encouraging her to make new friends as she is newer to the area)..how she felt about it and that she had to tell me about it. Then a bunch a good night texts, I miss you, I want to be in your arms, etc...

 

I woke up this morning to 3 emails already.

 

I joined a Hiking and Biking MeetUp recently, I encouraged her to join some MeetUps to get out and meet people. She did and has attended two and liked them. Sunday should told me she is concerned I will meet someone else at one of these meetups.

 

So, I think you are all right to some degree. Each time we have a good time together I feel good though it all starts back up again once we are apart...the texting, the emailing, the I miss yous, etc. When she is not doing this I feel much healthier and happier. I also know it's just her, its who she is right now..she is needy, she needs me to feel complete (she tells me this all the time, that I make her complete). When we talk she says the right things, agrees with me, then when we are apart it all starts back up again.

 

Sadly, I think I am going to have to end this as it's emotionally draining for me..and I have already told her this too. She is such a wonderful person and I like her....she is simply smothering me and not having her own life, not being independent is unattractive to me.

[RedRobin]

I'm going to say that neither of you are bad people. I would hesitate to put labels on her behavior or yours.

 

It sounds like you are at different stages in your life and have different dating styles.

 

The only finger wagging I will do is to quit it with the early sex. It wouldn't kill you to get to know someone a bit before hand. If she were here, I'd give her the same advice.

[volkl1996]

I'm going to say that neither of you are bad people. I would hesitate to put labels on her behavior or yours.

 

It sounds like you are at different stages in your life and have different dating styles.

 

The only finger wagging I will do is to quit it with the early sex. It wouldn't kill you to get to know someone a bit before hand. If she were here, I'd give her the same advice.

 

I agree RedRobin, I think I am a good person, I like myself, I am happy. I think she is a great person, very caring, very giving, simply too emotionally dependent right now. She has a history of going from one relationship to the next with no pauses or breaks, and dating emotionally controlling abusive men.

[RedRobin]

I agree RedRobin, I think I am a good person, I like myself, I am happy. I think she is a great person, very caring, very giving, simply too emotionally dependent right now. She has a history of going from one relationship to the next with no pauses or breaks, and dating emotionally controlling abusive men.

 

That's too bad. But it sounds like she's on a more positive path.

 

Glad to hear that you both are finding some constructive ways to meet people!

[volkl1996]

I also wonder if she entered my life for a reason; maybe for me to help her. Maybe for me to grow...dunno.

[The Blue Knight]

More thoughts from yesterday:

 

She texted me all day up until about 2PM.."I miss you" "I am doing this" "I am doing that"..she asked for a referral to an tax accountant, so I gave her mine, she cced me on all the emails to the accountant.

 

It was almost 8PM, I was out with a buddy for dinner and realized I had not heard from her. I actually worried about her as THIS was a long time to not hear from her. So I sent her a quick text telling her I was out for dinner with a buddy. She replied with something like Have Fun. This felt normal to me and I liked it.

 

I got home about an hour later and I had 5+ texts from her telling me how she reconnected with an old friend today (I have been encouraging her to make new friends as she is newer to the area)..how she felt about it and that she had to tell me about it. Then a bunch a good night texts, I miss you, I want to be in your arms, etc...

 

I woke up this morning to 3 emails already.

 

I joined a Hiking and Biking MeetUp recently, I encouraged her to join some MeetUps to get out and meet people. She did and has attended two and liked them. Sunday should told me she is concerned I will meet someone else at one of these meetups.

 

So, I think you are all right to some degree. Each time we have a good time together I feel good though it all starts back up again once we are apart...the texting, the emailing, the I miss yous, etc. When she is not doing this I feel much healthier and happier. I also know it's just her, its who she is right now..she is needy, she needs me to feel complete (she tells me this all the time, that I make her complete). When we talk she says the right things, agrees with me, then when we are apart it all starts back up again.

 

Sadly, I think I am going to have to end this as it's emotionally draining for me..and I have already told her this too. She is such a wonderful person and I like her....she is simply smothering me and not having her own life, not being independent is unattractive to me.

 

Volk, she's likely not going to remain this way forever. She's needy but also trying to reassure you of how she feels. She knows of your past with your wife and I'm sure in some way, she's trying to show she's going to be "there" for you.

 

As RedRobin said, you're at different points in your lives. Perhaps rather than just breaking it off you reemphasize to her that you're a very independent person who needs space and tell her that without that necessary space, the relationship can't move forward. See if she can do that and if she can, things could turn around. If not, she had a chance to work on the problem. Today's technology lends itself to easy access to text messaging and emailing 24-7 whenever a person has a thought. I would interpret someone who is smothering me as someone who is calling me every hour to talk or check up on me. But that's me. The texting and emails wouldn't really bother me at the rate she's sending them.

 

What's ironic is Ben is on here posting that the girl he's dating never texts him or communicates. He has to be the one to always communicate. I think Ben wishes he had more of what you have.

[volkl1996]

Volk, she's likely not going to remain this way forever. She's needy but also trying to reassure you of how she feels. She knows of your past with your wife and I'm sure in some way, she's trying to show she's going to be "there" for you.

 

As RedRobin said, you're at different points in your lives. Perhaps rather than just breaking it off you reemphasize to her that you're a very independent person who needs space and tell her that without that necessary space, the relationship can't move forward. See if she can do that and if she can, things could turn around. If not, she had a chance to work on the problem. Today's technology lends itself to easy access to text messaging and emailing 24-7 whenever a person has a thought. I would interpret someone who is smothering me as someone who is calling me every hour to talk or check up on me. But that's me. The texting and emails wouldn't really bother me at the rate she's sending them.

 

What's ironic is Ben is on here posting that the girl he's dating never texts him or communicates. He has to be the one to always communicate. I think Ben wishes he had more of what you have.

 

Ha, yes it is ironic that I read threads on here where the member does not get enough attention, or enough information or does not know if she/he likes them or not....in my case I feel overloaded and do not like it!

 

I have dated the "mysterious" girls who are just to darn independent to date or they do not know what they want, and it frustrated me. Maybe this is a lesson for me!

[volkl1996]

An update for those keeping score at home...

 

We had yet another talk. I told her I am not ready for a serious relationship, I need balance in my life and cannot see someone every day, I need my friends, my time, etc. I told her I did not know if she was the one, that it was too soon. I told her I cannot text all day and email all day. I told her it still may be too soon for me.

 

After that, more sex. Not initiated by me again.

 

I went out with some buddies last night. One of my buddies brought some girl/female friends. I ended up talking to one for a while; she is attractive, good chemistry, good conversation...bar conversation, nothign serious, though we did talk about our careers. It made me realize I am either not ready or maybe this one is the wrong one.

 

I come home and have an email and text from current girl stating this is not working. I reply stating I agree, it's not working.

 

All day so far I am getting emails and texts; she wants to look me in the eye tonight and tell me things about her. Ugh! I said no though I finally agreed.

 

The thing is..I do care for this girl. And, if she was in a healthier place in her life, and maybe me too, this could work. Oh well.

[The Blue Knight]

An update for those keeping score at home...

 

We had yet another talk. I told her I am not ready for a serious relationship, I need balance in my life and cannot see someone every day, I need my friends, my time, etc. I told her I did not know if she was the one, that it was too soon. I told her I cannot text all day and email all day. I told her it still may be too soon for me.

 

After that, more sex. Not initiated by me again.

 

I went out with some buddies last night. One of my buddies brought some girl/female friends. I ended up talking to one for a while; she is attractive, good chemistry, good conversation...bar conversation, nothign serious, though we did talk about our careers. It made me realize I am either not ready or maybe this one is the wrong one.

 

I come home and have an email and text from current girl stating this is not working. I reply stating I agree, it's not working.

 

All day so far I am getting emails and texts; she wants to look me in the eye tonight and tell me things about her. Ugh! I said no though I finally agreed.

 

The thing is..I do care for this girl. And, if she was in a healthier place in her life, and maybe me too, this could work. Oh well.

Your last line is the kind of honesty that maybe needs to be shared if you haven't already. But she has to walk away from that conversation believing it's about her fixing her issues and you fixing yours, and not necessarily about a future together.

[volkl1996]

Your last line is the kind of honesty that maybe needs to be shared if you haven't already. But she has to walk away from that conversation believing it's about her fixing her issues and you fixing yours, and not necessarily about a future together.

 

Well said, and I agree.

 

She is still talking about "future" things and planning for events next month, end of May, etc. I cannot move that far ahead as it's way to soon for me.

 

We had a great date Friday night. I woke up Saturday to a very very long email saying how wonderful she feels, how great I am, how she wants to be patient, how great we are..... We went out with my friends last night, I wake up today to a similar email, and asking me to do something with her the end of April when she has 10 days without her kids. Gosh I wish she could slow down. She was also asking to see me today if I was available. She was planning my day around her coming over to help me work in the yard, go for a walk, etc. I told her no, and compromised to dinner.

 

Man, I have never been in this situation. All of my friends liked her a lot..that's a good sign. And she likes them. Still, wow, slow down.

[volkl1996]

Update: She started saying I Love You, a lot last week. She also started bringing small things to my house, like kitchen cooking things, an expresso maker for "her coffee", things for my cat, a couple of vases, etc.

 

When she said I Love You I looked right at her and told her I do not feel that way and cannot say the same. I also told her to stop bringing stuff to my house. I told her I do not want a serious relationship, that our timing was off. She agreed, told me she understodd, the next day I get 10+ texts, 10+ emails and a note on my front door saying she does not want to "break up"; she is asking for 2 weeks apart for us to collect our thoughts. I am getting emails and texts 3-4 times a day as if nothing has changed, small talk stuff.

 

I am speechless! What do I do here?

[blindesided]

Please please please be firm with her if you have to. Explain again your feelings & then do not contact her or reply to her when she does. You will just be leading her on. I was dating a guy who I thought was so into me - he did all sorts of sweet things, made future plans like a month or so in advance, he just seemed so into me. Then one day out of the blue he drops the bomb "im just not feelin it" "you arent the one" "I was hpoing the love feelings would develop - but they havent" It is devastating - and while I respect him for being honest - it still hurts. We did reconcile for a few weeks or so after that initial conversation where I told him I want looking for anything serious either - we just had great chemistry and had great times together. Then I get the "I met someone and want to date her and see if she could be the one" Again - another blow to the ego. Please dont string her along - if you cant see a future with her - then level with her - dont be wishy=washy. Yes it will hurt - but it will hurt a million times worse in another year or so - she will feel so lead on and betrayed. Your actions are contradicting your words & that is very confusing. I'm sure after you breakup you might feel lonely and regret it - dont be selfish - let her heal - & the only way she can heal is with no contact. Do not sleep with her - I will give my ex credit for that one - he said it wouldnt feel right & I'm not about to throw myself at someone. Be the man & just say no

[Feelsgoodman]

She has been in mostly emotionally abusive and controlling relationships.

I start to see red flags I did not initially see...

Perhaps it's your subconscious telling you "run Forrest run...before you net yourself another another crazy b*tch with baggage!"

[PinkInTheLimo]

Your are both very weak people who desperately need to be ON THEIR OWN for at least a year.

 

She throws herself at the first more or less available man she meets, she gives way too much too soon. She's probably someone with a lot to give but she has to learn to keep something of herself to herself. And you don't have the spine to say that right now you are not in a place to have a serious relationship. JUST TELL HER before she will get very hurt.

 

There is nothing wrong with being celibate for a while, I can actually highly recommend it. If you can really live with yourself, you are more relax when it comes to selecting a partner. The urge is no longer there which helps you to avoid making bad choices.