falamon Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Hey all. First post, go easy on me I know some will probably say things I don't want to hear, but i'll cope i'm sure...I need to talk to people who aren't my friends as I think i'm driving them nuts now! (Though they have helped a bit) (Also, 25, male, if this helps)... And it's a bit of an essay, sorry! So, I'll begin: About 6 weeks ago, my ex broke up with me. Started around Christmas that I sensed something wasn't right... Then after new year, we spoke, and she eventually came out,with that she didn't feel the same any more. Prior to this, the last year had been a bit rocky... I was a fool to not realise what I potentially could have lost! We kind-of broke up a couple of times, usual arguments and not seeing eachother for a while, then things went alright and got back on track. She wasn't happy with going round in circles basically, and that I agreed. It was also a lot on my shoulders. I've gone through some real tough times in the last 2 years, got a criminal record (long story, and I got stitched up basically) had to deal with the loss of my childhoot pet dog which has taken nearly 2 years to get over, and i'm also stuck in a job where i'm treated like absoulte ****. All these things have really turned me into a massively negative, and pretty depressed person, most, if not all of the time. Following moving out the flat I lived in, I spent a lot of time at home (moved back home) saving money for a big list of things I wanted to achieve. ^ In this time, as I say, I spent a lot of time on my own. Including not seeing the gf much. She then moved further away from me (only half an hour, but still tough when she works non-office hours) and it was tough to see eachother. Spending a lot of time on my own etc, I didn't see her enough and that's a big problem i've realised now! I also had a bit of a revolution over Christmas that I was going to make 2012 the year I "change my life", new job, finally get off my ar5e and sort out my list, and also my relationship! This is the ironic bit though, I was merely days from basically saying that "I realise what's wrong and what i'm going to to do to change it!" So, we've broken up, well - she broke it off with me. The breakup was tough as hell. She came round in floods of tears, and we spoke for a while. I pleaded and tried to explain I had realised things were drifting, but she just said it wasn't right at the moment, and that she'd lost the feelings. Regarding me changing, she said "My heart believes you, but my head doesn't" We had just gotten to a point I think, when it was better to not be together, than to be together (In her head this is)... I eventually agreed "it wasn't the right time, and that I will be working hard to sort myself out and she will see that I can be the person she wants to be with". I wrote her a letter, and she said it was hard to read all the things she'd been speaking about for a while, but she believes I can sort things out... She also said she didn't want to lose me as a friend, I said I wasn't going to lose her as a friend, or more than a friend, as she's my best friend. She broke into floods tears and said the same to me, I'm her best friend. That was seriously hard to stomach. I cracked up She also said she still loved me. So... That was 6 weeks ago. We had about a week of NC... Then I couldn't help but get in touch. I told her before the break up, that it's going to be so hard to not contact her, due to usually just texting her for any old reason, about any old subject! She understood though. I couldn't help but send her flowers on Valentines day, and a hand made card. She thanked me for these, which was a surprise! So, another 2 weeks passed, (very little communication) and she agreed to meet up with me for a casual chat, drink and dinner. It was the happiest i'd felt for weeks! We didn't speak about us, at all, just about things. Was the hardest thing to keep quiet about us, but I managed! The day after, on Friday, she text me back, agreeing that she had a nice time ! That will be two weeks tomorrow. Since this, I had sent a few messages, to no reply. Tried to talk to her on Monday last week, and she told me "we need space at the moment and you're smothering" That was really hard to hear, as I didn't want to break ties really. We've now not spoken since. I've sent a couple of messages and emails, saying various things like "I don't want to lose contact, and I'm sorry for being in touch, it's really hard to not" and still haven't heard back. (Her best friend who has been away travelling, had been back in the last 3 weeks, so I guess she was seeing her a lot...) So now, i'm pulling my hair out... I'm trying to stay off FB, and resisting to text as much as possible, but I have so many "What Ifs" in my head! Speaking to my best friend, who is also a good friend of hers (he's in my band) he's said various things (I'll mention these as it might give you a better understanding of "us"... Do I think she will take you back? I think there is a chance but I really think you have to give it time. I would never promise but I'm pretty sure she's not sleeping around and all that. She is also not looking for another boyfriend. Despite what you think she is upset. I nearly made her cry just by talking about you(don't tell her I said this just know it). But like any 'grieving' woman she's trying to resist you because she knows where it leads. I have maximum respect for what you're trying to do at the moment. My personal theory on how this is going to work best Is that you break up. You try and 'forget' her and don't contact her. Trust me, you will start feeling better. You do what you gotta do and she does what she gotta do. Then at some point you two will see each other again. You'll be a new man, she'll be a new woman and you'll realise the feelings you have. Make no mistake, you are her first love. She will ALWAYS love you. Its just whether you two can work that is the question. There is always a danger that she will never want you back. Unfortunately this is something you have to respect. At the end of the day you want her to be happy. Of course, if she phones you in a couple of months then, woohoo! So, i'm still a real mess (feeling surprisingly better after typing this though) about it all. She was my everything, i was just foolish and didn't see things slipping away. I don't want to spoil having another chance with her, because I know when we were really in love, we were amazing. It's the current lack of communication which is killing me. Also, I'm going on a meditation retreat in 2 weeks today, to try and get my head back on track, it's going to be pretty intense, just thought i'd mention that, hopefully coming out of that, I should be a lot calmer and more in control of my emotions. My worries - What do I do from here? When to start trying to contact her? Do I wait for her to contact me? How will she see I've changed? Does she even think about me any more? Thank you all, I look forward to your replies. Sorry again for the essay. x
Chi townD Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Your friend sounds wise. And he makes a lot of sense. Here's what you need to realise. She dumped you. She made a choice to have you out of her life. Therefore, you have to respect that. You need to go NC and not contact her at all. She made it clear that she doesn't want to hear from you. Forget about being friends. That was something she just said to ease her guilt of dumping you. I'm sure you didn't get into a loving and caring relationship with the end result being, "just really good friends". Stay with your goals of self improvement. Go NC and start to heal from this and move on. Maybe one day she see that she screwed up by not trusting your word...but, you know what? Her loss...
Author falamon Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 (edited) Cheers mate. Here's hoping NC works! Trust me, when she said about being friends, and how we're best friends, she meant it. I've known her as a best friend for nearly 6 years. We also share a big group of friends, and if we don't ever get back together, if we weren't friends, it would make it very awkward. I hate to say it, but it's my loss And she met up with me a few weeks after, now she's gone quiet on me... It doesnt make sense!?! Sorry if i'm being negative, just not feeling positive at the moment! Edited March 1, 2012 by falamon
Philosoraptor Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 First you need to stop worrying about her, she is the past. A friendship can't exist if stronger feelings still exist, it brings only pain. Work on things internally for now and start doing for you. Hopefully you both will concentrate on yourselves and find your own path to healing. But until contact can be made without expectations, contact shouldn't be made.
Author falamon Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Hi Philosoraptor, thanks for the advice. I'm doing ok on things for myself (going on the retreat should help a tonne) and I know she's doing for herself, better than I am at present! Thing is, i'm really wanting to get her back, she is the one, and I thought I was the one til I made a mess of things.
Philosoraptor Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Look at the relationship with your rose colored glasses off for a minute. Truly examine things. No one ends a perfect relationship and she was unhappy with something. "The one" surely will be happy with you just the way you are. And though I'm not in your head I am inclined to believe you are at that lovely point where we attempt to pin everything on ourselves.
Author falamon Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 I'm trying to make head and tail of it at the moment. She was unhappy with the lack of time spent together, and things with us drifted apart. Of course, we weren't perfect, but we were pretty damn good, and close. If I hadn't drifted down a negative path, things would still be spot on I think. You know exactly where i'm at mate! Pinning things on me, still lost and very confused/worried.
Philosoraptor Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 You'll be better off when this phase ends. You can't take all of the fault for time spent together not being as she liked. She had control through this as well and I'm sure could have done more to help her own needs get met. It's the same with anything else, as there is rarely an item that is completely the fault of one person.
Chi townD Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 First you need to stop worrying about her, she is the past. A friendship can't exist if stronger feelings still exist, it brings only pain. Work on things internally for now and start doing for you. Hopefully you both will concentrate on yourselves and find your own path to healing. But until contact can be made without expectations, contact shouldn't be made. I agree with this. It's like an alcholic shouldn't be in a Pub if he or she can't handle being around people that are drinking and is able to resist the temptation.
Author falamon Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Yeah I suppose, though she did make marginally more effort than I. Do you mean the "denial" stage? I can only hope that NC will work, she should be more relaxed after a holiday in a couple of weeks, and i'll have hopefully calmed down after 10 days of meditation, so you never know, we might be able to start talking again after that. Thing is, it's not like we're enemies, i'm just confused that we've gone from talking rarely, and met up once, to nothing! though maybe it's because we met up, that she thinks I'm under the impression we're just going to start it back up again too quickly. That's only a guess however. Thanks for your help so far mate
Philosoraptor Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Yeah I suppose, though she did make marginally more effort than I. I'm sure she did on some things, and you did more on other's. Hell I blamed myself for not spending time with my ex. I lost my friends, family, and hobbies as she always needed more. I would spend all day at work emailing her, talk on the phone on the way home, and do nothing but be with her when I got home. On Sunday when I wanted to watch the game was when she would make comments like "we don't spend any time together", so I stopped watching the game. Then when I wanted to visit my friends and family, the same comments... so I stopped that as well. If I tried to do anything without her I would hear the same line. And yet at the end when I finally put my foot down and said I was not going to change anymore she said "I can't be with you like that"... and I still blamed myself afterwards and thought "if I would have only done more". It's just a part of those rose colored glasses and healing. Do you mean the "denial" stage? I can only hope that NC will work, she should be more relaxed after a holiday in a couple of weeks, and i'll have hopefully calmed down after 10 days of meditation, so you never know, we might be able to start talking again after that. If it will hurt you then it should be avoided.
goohoo Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Your friend made some really good points. Like you, I'm going through a similar situation. I'm only on day 2 of NC and already my world has seemed to fall apart. You have to resist the urge at all costs. Give her time, because only time will tell. By continuing contact, you are smothering her because she's probably trying to sort her own emotions out. If you keep interrupting, you'll eventually push her away and then you'll be even more heartbroken than now, knowing your hopes are fading. A few weeks to calm yourselves down, and maybe a get-together and a chat may clear things up. Good luck and stay strong friend!
Author falamon Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 No of course it won't hurt me, so i'll try to talk to her if she seems to want to. Hell, if she decided to talk to me today, i'd be thrilled! I'm not angry with her at all, just disappointed that i've let this happen and not seen the bigger picture. She's not the sort of girl that would make me/ask me to see her all the time. We just didn't see eachother enough, and do different things together, that's where I also went wrong, I wouldn't suggest things to do etc, when she likes to go and do different things, like out and about instead of just round eachother's houses etc...
Author falamon Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Your friend made some really good points. Like you, I'm going through a similar situation. I'm only on day 2 of NC and already my world has seemed to fall apart. You have to resist the urge at all costs. Give her time, because only time will tell. By continuing contact, you are smothering her because she's probably trying to sort her own emotions out. If you keep interrupting, you'll eventually push her away and then you'll be even more heartbroken than now, knowing your hopes are fading. A few weeks to calm yourselves down, and maybe a get-together and a chat may clear things up. Good luck and stay strong friend! Thanks pal. Today begins NC. I wrote the last little email yesterday to say that I hope she's ok etc, sorry for pestering her, and left it open, to ask her to get in touch when she fancied. Let's see if it works. We were very close, and my friends have all said she's really not likely to go off with someone else or sleep around. I do trust her, but because i'm not thinking clearly, I don't at the moment Good luck to you, feel free to have a chat with me if you want, probably be good to talk to someone in my situation
Philosoraptor Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 No of course it won't hurt me, so i'll try to talk to her if she seems to want to. Hell, if she decided to talk to me today, i'd be thrilled! I'm not angry with her at all, just disappointed that i've let this happen and not seen the bigger picture. She's not the sort of girl that would make me/ask me to see her all the time. We just didn't see eachother enough, and do different things together, that's where I also went wrong, I wouldn't suggest things to do etc, when she likes to go and do different things, like out and about instead of just round eachother's houses etc... It wouldn't hurt you to be told what you don't want to hear? With continued contact it can get worse. I wasn't saying your ex is that wild, just showing the extreme emotion that happens right after the end of a relationship. We are prone to bad thoughts of ourselves and making our ex's out to be better than they were. Shifting blame to ourselves rather than seeing things clearly. Thanks pal. Today begins NC. I wrote the last little email yesterday to say that I hope she's ok etc, sorry for pestering her, and left it open, to ask her to get in touch when she fancied. Let's see if it works. We were very close, and my friends have all said she's really not likely to go off with someone else or sleep around. I do trust her, but because i'm not thinking clearly, I don't at the moment Good luck to you, feel free to have a chat with me if you want, probably be good to talk to someone in my situation Well then there you go, you put the ball in her court. No need to worry about it right now. The words "not likely" do not count after a breakup while still in a painful state. Many will go to great lengths past their norm to get away from the pain.
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