Is this type of person likely to cheat?

[chucksagent]

Ladygrey - Well said...And I am afraid I have been known to want to control things in life before. I was the QB/Captain of the football team...I was President of every club I belonged to...I am the boss at my workplace...But Ladygrey, please believe me when I tell you, my closest friends have even told me "You have control issues, but you're far from a controlling person." Some people LOVE to control every little situation and instruct people how to act. I am FAR from that guy...Employees need to leave early for appointment, go, take the afternoon (not the boss grilling him or her)...Player is complaining he wants the football thrown to him more...I listen (not the QB telling him to shut up)....In a relationship if my girlfriend wants to go to lunch, dinner, happy hour, movies, etc. with her girlfriends...Have a BLAST!....So you may wonder; when do I draw the line? If the same employee starts abusing my kindness...if the same wide receiver drops the ball when I finally throw it to him...if my girlfriend wants to go clubbing with her single girlfriends until 2:00am. Now, if that makes me controlling ,then I am. But I firmly believe that if you are making decisions/actions that I FEEL are bad for me, then I think it's fine to have a dialogue or tell you about it. How is that controlling? Like I said, maybe it is. Maybe telling my girlfriend to not divulge personal information to a random dude is controlling...if it is, then I guess I am controlling. But doesn't it come down to what each of us is comfortable with? Sometimes smoking is a deal breaker...drinking...drugs...workaholics...and TONS more reasons...Don't I have the right to tell the woman I love what a deal breaker is to me regarding male interaction? I'm not saying IGNORE MEN, I'm saying keep it plutonic. And as Ebony78 affirmed, MOST "random" men aren't looking to talk to you because he's interested in your opinion on politics or sports. You may be brilliant at both, but how can he know that by looking at you?

 

Ebony78 - Here is a judgment for you; I think you are a wonderful human being. I copied and pasted what you wrote to my best friend in the world who I email frequently during the day, and he said "sounds like your girlfriend (but he used her name). Ebony, you sound like a good hearted person. Has your boyfriend or brothers ever led you astray before? Why can't you take their word that men are interested in one thing. Keep convos brief and polite and divulge no personal information. What can be gained by it? And don't you love your boyfriend and brothers more than a random dude at the gym? Lol. I wish I could get you and my girlfriend together and brainwash you into finally BELIEVING that you are beautiful and that men are the WORST!!! hahaha All joking aside, it made me feel a lot better to hear of another couple in an IDENTICAL situation, and that you deep down know you would never do the wrong thing. Thanks for the kind words!

[Mme. Chaucer]

If you can't trust a beautiful woman...then cultivate a taste for the ugly ones.

 

You can't change her...you can only change you.

 

 

No kidding.

 

This thread disturbs me a lot. It must be pretty awful for your girlfriend to be in a relationship where all of her best qualities are made into reasons to mistrust her and expect the worst from her.

 

You can't control other people. It sounds like you can't handle this relationship with this person - I'm pretty sure you would not fare much better with an ugly woman, since your own insecurity will still be a big part of you.

[chucksagent]

MMe Chaucer - How are things on the Astral Plane? It's been a while...So, what do you think about the way an attractive woman should handle attempts by men to hit on her? People keep labeling it "Trying to control her!" What if I want to go to a strip club? Everyone know there is no action in the champagne room. What if I just like it. As long as I don't cheat, it's ok, right?

 

BTW - Love your William Blake Quote.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I don't think that the majority of very attractive woman are necessarily promiscuous (sure, many are, but probably not more than the average). So they evidently have figured out skills to deal with being hit on.

 

The way a person looks does not predispose them to cheating, or to have any other weakness of character.

[chucksagent]

MME Chaucer - VERY true...and great points. However, if we are playing baseball, and you get 500 pitches and I get 100 pitches, who has a better shot of hitting 10 Home Run's?

 

A good looking woman will be pursued more frequently, harder, with more determination by the man, because men are visual creatures and respond to natural attraction. So my point isn't that attractive people are more or less likely to cheat. My contention is that they will, naturally, have more OPPORTUNITIES to cheat.

 

You don't agree?

[Owl]

So again...if you're so concerned that a pretty woman will cheat on you...wouldn't you be better off avoiding them and dating ones that you feel safer being with?

 

Seems like a simple choice to me.

 

It's not THEIR fault that they're pretty...or is it?

 

Maybe the answer to all of this is simple...you just need to get an ugly girlfriend.

[itsourchoice]

What is the point of worrying about something that MAY happen when 1. You can't control if it does and, 2. You are ruining your current happiness by worrying about a bunch of stuff that you can't fix.

 

She hasn't done anything, and if you are going to worry yourself do death over it, ruining your current relationship, what is the point? Get over it. If she cheats, deal with it then. If you can't stand to trust her until she has actually done something to deserve you to not trust her, let her go. You will only make yourself, and her miserable in the process.

[pureinheart]

She is 35 years old, in a committed relationship living together, (but not married and no kids) GORGEOUS face, amazing body, SUPER friendly, tall, slender, sexy, hilarious, great personality, etc. (diamond in the rough type - wasn't SUPER pretty in high school so she doesn't realize how Hot she is)...NEVER gets mad or is mean to people. My feeling on this kind of woman is that she has a target on her back. She's SLIGHTLY older, no kids, not married, VERY attractive, VERY friendly, makes those around her feel safe and comfortable...What are the odds she would cheat on her boyfriend if some guy REALLY hit on her hard. I worry with her kind/non-confrontational personality that she would just hook up with the guy to keep the peace and lie to her boyfriend. My friends think this is too drastic a stretch.

 

Your thoughts?

 

Actually Chuck, she sounds like a nice person that happens to be attractive. Now if her bf screws her over then she will be gone and it might be by means of another man...doesn't matter how "hard" she's hit on if her bf is being cool.

[pureinheart]

So again...if you're so concerned that a pretty woman will cheat on you...wouldn't you be better off avoiding them and dating ones that you feel safer being with?

 

Seems like a simple choice to me.

 

It's not THEIR fault that they're pretty...or is it?

 

Maybe the answer to all of this is simple...you just need to get an ugly girlfriend.

 

I think it's interesting Owl. Some/most/whatever men love to have a pretty female by their side, yet intimidated at the same time...it sucks for the woman...bigtime!

[pureinheart]

MME Chaucer - VERY true...and great points. However, if we are playing baseball, and you get 500 pitches and I get 100 pitches, who has a better shot of hitting 10 Home Run's?

 

A good looking woman will be pursued more frequently, harder, with more determination by the man, because men are visual creatures and respond to natural attraction. So my point isn't that attractive people are more or less likely to cheat. My contention is that they will, naturally, have more OPPORTUNITIES to cheat.

 

You don't agree?

 

Doesn't matter how many opportunities. Your gf may not "know" that she's hot, that just makes her NOT arrogant, or full of herself...it doesn't make her stupid though either...if she was gonna leave she'd have done it by now.

 

She's with you for a reason. Attractive people that are not full of themselves get really tired of, and have nothing to do with shallow people. While flattering, the attention is sometimes not wanted and IMO she is just being cordial.

[chucksagent]

Ladygrey - makes a GREAT point. People (all of us) like attention and affirmation. And I think it is fair to say while I am not a controlling person, you are correct to say I wish to control her in this situation....it's true.

 

But many people, marriage therapists, priests, counselors, experts, etc. ALL agree that boundary setting is normal and healthy in a relationship.

 

So while I understand being cordial and kind and not wanting to hurt someones feelings are NORMAL; I also feel that respecting your partner's heart and what you've agreed upon (during boundary setting convos) should take priority.

 

You girls all sound VERY smart and VERY fair. And many of the women I've had these convos with outside of forums agree with what you say. Then I say to them "Well how would you feel if your husband was at work, and some young, sexy, short skirted, office girl kept coming into his office...bending over...flirting with him. Always around him...being inappropriate. Wouldn't you want him to NOT be overly nice and enjoying of the attention and say "Listen, I'm busy I need to focus on work." Or "I'm married you know, this isn't appropriate." And all the women kind of smile and say "Ok, you make a good point.

 

This was actually the EXACT situation on the Office last week. My girlfriend and I were watching it. Jim goes to Florida to help Dwight set up their new store. They take several office workers with them to help. Jim's wife Pam doesn't go, but this young/attractive/single female, does wind up going. While there she hits on Jim VERY hard. He finally says to her "Listen, I'm married." And the girl acts offended like "I can't believe you thought I was hitting on you." And my girlfriend lost her mind and was like "Ok Jim, you need to KICK HER OUT!!!" I was thinking to myself....hmmmm...I'd love to say "Exactly sweetheart!!! That's how I ALSO want you to act! "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

 

So she understands how you SHOULD act and how we AGREED we should act. But I've already seen her fail a few times (granted earlier in the relationship and the situations were unique) which is the only reason I asked this board if my worries were legit or if I was being crazy.

 

I thought the point of this board was to get advice? Lol. Thanks to those of you who gave it and didn't simply choose to point out why I was crazy. Which, folks, if I'm so crazy, why did many of the people on here say they've seen similar situations, been involved in similar situtions, etc. Is it because if you're not the laid back/liberal minded/ everything's cool attitude, you happen to be a CRAZY CONSERVATIVE?!?! Lol.

 

BTW Not everything is cool...just sayin...

[bentnotbroken]

I don't think that the majority of very attractive woman are necessarily promiscuous (sure, many are, but probably not more than the average). So they evidently have figured out skills to deal with being hit on.

 

The way a person looks does not predispose them to cheating, or to have any other weakness of character.

 

 

I know some pretty average people who play the ho role really well, both women and men. Mr. Messy's favorite saying was a p*s*y doesn't have a face. So I think attractiveness and a hard on don't necessarily travel hand in hand.

[stillafool]

Pretty women are going to get hit on all the time. They are used to it. It doesn't matter how aggressive men are with their 'come-ons'. If they are in love and happy it will just be a self-esteem booster and nothing more. It is possible that a goodlooking man who she has instant chemistry with can arouse her interest; but again if she is in a happy relationship the chances are slim that it will develop into anything more than a simple crush for a moment.

 

I have to ask you, is this the first really attractive woman you've ever been with or has this been a problem with your past girlfriends too?

[chucksagent]

stillafool - good question my friend...I have actually been with 3 women since finishing law school (and 3 before that) but i consider both times very different. The last 3 have all been attractive. I think the last two screwed with my head. They were both slutty. The last girl "claimed" she had stopped talking to this "friend" who emailed her for sexy pics that she "used to know."This happened when we were together. She was mad I told her I didn't appreciate that talk among friends. She said I couldn't stop her from talking to friends. I told her my friends don't ask for risque pictures of me. She agreed to stop talking to him. Ironically, after BEGGING me not to leave her (about 8 or 9 months later) she wound up dating this dude and is still with him. I mean, she did EVERYTHING to get me to stay. Glad I didnt. The girl before her had the most amazing exotic look to her. And she had daddy issues and dressed like a prostitute for attention. This did NO GOOD for my already insecure existence. The back breaker was that it was my last year of law school and we were doing long distance (internship) and my ONE weekend home I got...she wanted to go to a party at a guys house with her single girlfriends. I asked if I could go since it was my last night in town and had no plans. She told me it was just the girls...yet it was a Dude's party...Oh well. After just describing those two ex's maybe you are all right. Maybe I am projecting ex girlfriends AND other screwballs I've encountered onto my current girlfriend. My current girl would NEVER act like that. And I am punishing her because I don't like the way she handles advances...Lol. Makes it sound silly now.

[stillafool]

I have to assume that you and your exes were much younger than you are now when the above happened. I can see that type of behavior from girls in their 20's. Usually most women (people) out grow that behavior by the time they reach your gf's age. You sound like husband material and I doubt your gf is going to risk losing you over some guy who behaves like a 'player'.

[nofool4u]

She is 35 years old, in a committed relationship living together, (but not married and no kids) GORGEOUS face, amazing body, SUPER friendly, tall, slender, sexy, hilarious, great personality, etc. (diamond in the rough type - wasn't SUPER pretty in high school so she doesn't realize how Hot she is)...NEVER gets mad or is mean to people. My feeling on this kind of woman is that she has a target on her back. She's SLIGHTLY older, no kids, not married, VERY attractive, VERY friendly, makes those around her feel safe and comfortable...What are the odds she would cheat on her boyfriend if some guy REALLY hit on her hard. I worry with her kind/non-confrontational personality that she would just hook up with the guy to keep the peace and lie to her boyfriend. My friends think this is too drastic a stretch.

 

Your thoughts?

 

None of that indicates she is a cheater. No red flags.

 

Red flags would be:

 

conceited

constantly adoring herself in a mirror

flirtatious <-- thats the big one there. flirting indicates signaling a sexual interest in someone else.

 

So if any of the 3 are true, then I'd say chances are good she has a cheating character.

 

Oh, and my personal pet peeve, if she has a tramp stamp, she'll cheat LOL

Edited March 7, 2012 by nofool4u

[frozensprouts]

Ladygrey - makes a GREAT point. People (all of us) like attention and affirmation. And I think it is fair to say while I am not a controlling person, you are correct to say I wish to control her in this situation....it's true.

 

But many people, marriage therapists, priests, counselors, experts, etc. ALL agree that boundary setting is normal and healthy in a relationship.

 

So while I understand being cordial and kind and not wanting to hurt someones feelings are NORMAL; I also feel that respecting your partner's heart and what you've agreed upon (during boundary setting convos) should take priority.

 

You girls all sound VERY smart and VERY fair. And many of the women I've had these convos with outside of forums agree with what you say. Then I say to them "Well how would you feel if your husband was at work, and some young, sexy, short skirted, office girl kept coming into his office...bending over...flirting with him. Always around him...being inappropriate. Wouldn't you want him to NOT be overly nice and enjoying of the attention and say "Listen, I'm busy I need to focus on work." Or "I'm married you know, this isn't appropriate." And all the women kind of smile and say "Ok, you make a good point.

 

This was actually the EXACT situation on the Office last week. My girlfriend and I were watching it. Jim goes to Florida to help Dwight set up their new store. They take several office workers with them to help. Jim's wife Pam doesn't go, but this young/attractive/single female, does wind up going. While there she hits on Jim VERY hard. He finally says to her "Listen, I'm married." And the girl acts offended like "I can't believe you thought I was hitting on you." And my girlfriend lost her mind and was like "Ok Jim, you need to KICK HER OUT!!!" I was thinking to myself....hmmmm...I'd love to say "Exactly sweetheart!!! That's how I ALSO want you to act! "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

 

So she understands how you SHOULD act and how we AGREED we should act. But I've already seen her fail a few times (granted earlier in the relationship and the situations were unique) which is the only reason I asked this board if my worries were legit or if I was being crazy.

 

I thought the point of this board was to get advice? Lol. Thanks to those of you who gave it and didn't simply choose to point out why I was crazy. Which, folks, if I'm so crazy, why did many of the people on here say they've seen similar situations, been involved in similar situtions, etc. Is it because if you're not the laid back/liberal minded/ everything's cool attitude, you happen to be a CRAZY CONSERVATIVE?!?! Lol.

 

BTW Not everything is cool...just sayin...

 

 

a similar situation (?)

 

my husband was hit on by a girl at work, and he didn't see it. She started emailing him, telling him she had a "problem" and wanted to meet with him after work or some evening to talk about it. He showed me the email, and told her he could talk to her at work about it ( he thought it was inappropriate, but only because "work is at work and home is home and never the 'twin shall meet"( oh my god, that was so lame. did I just write that?).

She added him as a facebook friend ( they all do where he works) and soon they were chatting every night, just "as friends" , but, in reality, she was hitting on him, and was getting carried right along through the whole thing until it became a full blown emotional ( then physical) affair.

 

He , at first, really didn't see the chatting as inappropriate ( sounds naive, but he really didn't) That's where the problem lay...he had really poor boundaries, and didn't realize when things started to go too far.I think part of that was because he hadn't had a huge amount of experience with women and was more used to them being friends that "romantic". His self confidence was also not great ( due to parents who always made him feel like he was never good enough)

 

Hopefully, your girlfriend will have a better sense of boundaries and how not to cross them. The fact that she is attractive may mean that she is used to getting hit on and has learned how to handle it without crossing boundaries.

 

this has been an interesting discussion...and I don't think you're crazy, but I do think you love your girlfriend and are worried about losing her. have you told her how you feel about her getting hit on so much?

[chucksagent]

Stillafool- Accurate/smart observation. Ex #1 - I was 25 she was 21. Ex # 2 - I was 27 and she was 28. My girl and I are now in early 30's. And to tell you the truth. The smartest guy I know, a structural engineer who went to a TOP school (my best friends brother) sat me down and told me that once a woman has been through BAD stuff; she reevaluates what's important. And he said the same thing you did that I am VERY good compared to MOST men especially her ex, and that nobody in their right mind would risk that. But that's where I guess my insecurities/not trusting women decision making hurts me.

 

nofool4U - I'm glad you listed those 3 things. And I TOTALLY agree. # 1 and # 2 could NOT be further from the truth. My girl is humble and NEVER spends time in a mirror. HOWEVER, she is VERY flirty and DOESN'T realize it. And I know it isn't an attention thing because she acts this way to old ladies taking orders at the deli line, young female bank tellers, my grandmother, my 12 year old cousin, etc. She's just VERY kind, likes to make people feel comfortable, is outgoing, etc. Trust me, I've SEEN the type of "outgoing" girl who is flirty for attention and she ISN'T that way with EVERYONE - just males in her age bracket. HOWEVER, and here is the difficult part, MEN can't tell the difference when she is behaving that way TO THEM! Be it at work, in a store, etc.

 

Frozensprouts - Thanks for the kind words - it means a lot. And nobody take this as cocky or arrogant, it's just a fact. Seinfeld said it best in his stand up "Lawyers are like the friend who reads the rules to Monopoly and tells you how to play as you go along." As a lawyer, I can kind of see the forest for the trees moreso than most people. Now people on these boards can tell you or I we are crazy, or wrong, or whatever. But your situation is EXACTLY what I mean. People don't ALL start with HORRID intentions hahahah People on here act like "Nobody cheats ever unless in a crappy relationship." That's simply not true. And your husbands behavior was CLEARLY outside of the boundries I would set for myself and for my lover. Now people can say "thats controlling of you." Well, sorry, but that's how I feel. As the guy who read the monopoly rules, I know what risks are worth it and not worth it. Everyone always ays "I'm so busy, I have no time for anything!." So you have no time to play catch with your kid, massage your wife, take her to dinner, do work around the house, visit family, reconnect with old close friends (of the same sex), but you can text/chat/hang out with some opposite sex friend from work -PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You liberal people tell me I'm crazy all you want, but look at what I just wrote and if you TRULY believe that's acceptable behavior, than I think we need to RETHINK who is crazy. Lol.