chucksagent Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 She is 35 years old, in a committed relationship living together, (but not married and no kids) GORGEOUS face, amazing body, SUPER friendly, tall, slender, sexy, hilarious, great personality, etc. (diamond in the rough type - wasn't SUPER pretty in high school so she doesn't realize how Hot she is)...NEVER gets mad or is mean to people. My feeling on this kind of woman is that she has a target on her back. She's SLIGHTLY older, no kids, not married, VERY attractive, VERY friendly, makes those around her feel safe and comfortable...What are the odds she would cheat on her boyfriend if some guy REALLY hit on her hard. I worry with her kind/non-confrontational personality that she would just hook up with the guy to keep the peace and lie to her boyfriend. My friends think this is too drastic a stretch. Your thoughts?
Bryanp Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Your friend are right. You cannot make such a generalization.
anne1707 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Why do you repeatedly start threads about your girlfriend and ask strangers whether she is likely to cheat? If you lack trust in her (when she has done absolutely nothing wrong) then do her a favour and end the relationship so she can find someone who really does appreciate her.
Author chucksagent Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Wow Anne, how non-judgmental of you. Why do people like you refuse to just examine facts and answer a question? I will agree with you that perhaps I have trust issues in this world; but just as easily, people with trust issues can ask the rest of you how the heck do you NOT have trust issues??? If you are stalking my other posts, why don't you do yourself a service and read some of the stories I posted recently. It's like Bob Marley said "Everyone will hurt you, you just gotta pick the ones worth it." Or something to that effect. There is this unique population of people who STILL think people are inherently good. And in a world where banks like Goldman Sachs DEFRAUDS citizens of this country into ARM mortgage scams, and then gets BAILED OUT by the same citizens they ripped off...only to then EJECT those same citizens out of the homes in question...and get a bonus on top!!! And this is just acceptable behavior to all of us taxpayers. There is NO SUCH THING as government money. It is OUR MONEY we give to taxes. Taxation without representation!! Ever hear of it??? Yet nobody does anything or cares. How does that relate to fidelity? Because EVERYONE cheats and nobody cares. People like me are labeled as crazy and untrusting and yet it can happen to either one of us and tomorrow nobody will have a good answer for why people do it. 1
anne1707 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Wow to you too! Your post had a familiar sound to it so I did a very quick search on your past threads and a lot of them are all about whether your girlfriend will cheat or not. Your calling that stalking just shows how deeply insecure you are. Apart from being a lovely woman (based on your posts), what on earth makes you think your girlfriend will cheat on you? If, as you say, everyone cheats -does that mean you will cheat on her? If the answer is no then you have just disproved your own argument.
PegNosePete Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Wow chucksagent do you know how much of a nutter you sound? You think that the world's economic crisis will cause your girlfriend to cheat on you? If you don't trust her then let her go. If you do then why are you posting all of these things? They are not "just questions", they are loaded questions.
frozensprouts Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 whether someone will cheat or not depends on a huge number of things. Their"moral compass", value system, conflict resolution style, their view of what a healthy boundary is, self esteem, etc., etc., etc. But none of that really matters if you don't trust her. Is it possible that your mistrust is coming from issues you may have with your own self image, self esteem, etc.? If you can't trust her when she really is giving you no reason not to, then perhaps it's best for you both to move on. 1
Kidd Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I thought my W was incapable of cheating. We had a great relationship. 19 years together, married for 12, two great kids, two great jobs, argued maybe twice a year and were over it by the next day, always said we would have enough respect for each other that we would end the relationship before we would cheat on one another, had a decent sex life. Then I discovered her 13 month affair with levels of depravity I still can't fathom nine months later. I don't ****!ng trust anybody, dude. I just expect to get screwed over now, keep a decent eye out, and be prepared to split at the first sign of nonsense. People are crazy. What a waste. Your girl is no more susceptible than anyone else just based on your description. Love at your own risk. 1
Author chucksagent Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Frozensprouts - You said it 110% correctly. If everyone on here would stop JUDGING and read the facts. Ok, the girl has an AMAZING moral compass and value system. Her family is amazing. HOWEVER, she has told me that in the past, before we were together, she would get sexually harrassed at work (WAS physical when she was 20 washing dishes) and again when she was 32 (NON-Physical doing the same KIND of work she does now; different employer. So the fact that she has a history of NOT defending herself worries me. WHICH LEADS to Frozensports EPIC points (some of you should take notes) my 2 other worries. Her conflict resolution style is HORRIBLE. She HATES confrontation and does ANYTHING to avoid it. AND, as I have said in another post, wasn't attractive in High School (late bloomer syndrom) and now she is GORGEOUS and doesn't see it. So we have 2 vs. 2. Moral Compass/Values (good) vs. Conflict Reslution/Self Esteem (Bad). What do you think Frozensporuts with that info I gave you? Kidd: BRILLIANT. And some people would call your or I jaded. But brother, I see it ALL THE TIME. As a lawyer, I have handled a fair amount of Divorces, HOWEVER, MOST of my crazy stories come from family, friends, and/or friends of friends. A dear friend of my family had the SAME situation as you. Mother, 2 children, she and her Husband had great jobs. And the husband was having an affair and got the woman pregnant. She was ALSO married and they both left their spouses and now live together with the child. People say WE are crazy, but they refuse to look at facts and life. And hey, Peg Nose Pete - I'm not comparing my girl to the economic crisis...I am comparing the sheep, oops, I mean citizens reactions to it AND to cheating. It's HORRIBLE stuff and everyone just lets it happen and keeps talking like it ISN'T a serious issue today. Peoples inaction and apathy is scary.
Author chucksagent Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Janesays - Why am I crazy for not wanting my tax dollars to go to Bankers who ripped people off through predatory lending practices?
Owl Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Chuck...here's the problem. You physically describe your GF. You give a very, very high level of her background, and you ask if we think she could cheat. You don't give nearly enough background information (at least in this thread) for ANYONE to give you any kind of accurate guess. We know nothing about your interaction with her. We know nothing about her interactions with others. What boundaries does she have/not have? What kind of relationship do you share with her? Etc... Off of your initial post, I'd say that pretty much anyone COULD cheat given the right circumstance. Will they is far more dependent upon a lot more things that you didn't list. How about some background along these lines? WHY do you ask this question? What prompts you to post this question here? Is she doing something suspiscious? Is there a reason you distrust her? Has she cheated in the past? All things that tie into your question.
bentnotbroken Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Wow Anne, how non-judgmental of you. Why do people like you refuse to just examine facts and answer a question? I will agree with you that perhaps I have trust issues in this world; but just as easily, people with trust issues can ask the rest of you how the heck do you NOT have trust issues??? If you are stalking my other posts, why don't you do yourself a service and read some of the stories I posted recently. It's like Bob Marley said "Everyone will hurt you, you just gotta pick the ones worth it." Or something to that effect. There is this unique population of people who STILL think people are inherently good. And in a world where banks like Goldman Sachs DEFRAUDS citizens of this country into ARM mortgage scams, and then gets BAILED OUT by the same citizens they ripped off...only to then EJECT those same citizens out of the homes in question...and get a bonus on top!!! And this is just acceptable behavior to all of us taxpayers. There is NO SUCH THING as government money. It is OUR MONEY we give to taxes. Taxation without representation!! Ever hear of it??? Yet nobody does anything or cares. How does that relate to fidelity? Because EVERYONE cheats and nobody cares. People like me are labeled as crazy and untrusting and yet it can happen to either one of us and tomorrow nobody will have a good answer for why people do it. No everyone does not cheat. And no, there are people who care...they post here and other forums daily. I haven't read any of your other posts, based solely on this one...you appear to have a major problem that might be best served by dealing with the person you don't trust, instead of a group of strangers who don't see the world as you do. I don't know if you are crazy or not, (have you been diagnosed as crazy or is that you trying to assume you know what others think of you?) There aren't always answers to the worlds issues. Too many excuses, blame shifting and down right stupidity. You will never find an answer that satisfies fully. It is the nature of the beast. As far as taxes go...might ought to save that for another thread. Let's not confuse the your issues. 1
Author chucksagent Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 -We live together -She has been hit on in the past but is either too naive to realize it or likes the attention and doesn't handle it right. i.e. some creep in the deli line was eyeballing her and started talking to her...in the convo, he asked where she lived...then asked where she worked...and her not being good with confrontation, she TOLD him. Well the creep CALLED her at work the next day!!! And you can say "Oh, well, at least she told you." But we will NEVER fully know because I have a friend who dates a co-worker of hers AND the co-worker is the one who took the call. She told the guy to not call because my girlfriend was married...Lol. How would my GIRLFRIEND have handled it if she took the call??? -We are good together...Never fight over big life issues like money, house, etc. But we have petty fights on a normal basis but nothing huge. -She has NEVER cheated in her life on anyone (as far as I know). -She WAS married when that dude was hitting on her and emailing her inappropriate things about 3 or 4 years ago. She never told her husband OR management. I know I shouldn't punish her for being honest with me but at the same time, she claims she "learned" but do people really LEARN between ages 31/32 and 35. -She doesn't go out drinking, or to bars or clubs...She is a loyal person by nature. But I think those two times in her life where she was harassed and did NOTHING happened because she is an easy target. And I am worried that could happen again. I am not one of these naive people who say "she will be different with me!" Now granted, she didn't cheat. But for me, being sexually harassed and not STOPPING it, is a deal breaker for me...it just is. I'm a lawyer...tell me, tell your boss, tell me and I will tell your boss. I'm not going to deal with some scum bag hitting on my girlfriend while I am at work. I just don't WANT to live with that. -So my worry is that if these things happened in the past, why would they NOT happen again?
2sunny Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 You almost described me... But to answer your question - I wouldn't cheat. I have grown kids...
Owl Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 -We live together -She has been hit on in the past but is either too naive to realize it or likes the attention and doesn't handle it right. i.e. some creep in the deli line was eyeballing her and started talking to her...in the convo, he asked where she lived...then asked where she worked...and her not being good with confrontation, she TOLD him. Well the creep CALLED her at work the next day!!! And you can say "Oh, well, at least she told you." But we will NEVER fully know because I have a friend who dates a co-worker of hers AND the co-worker is the one who took the call. She told the guy to not call because my girlfriend was married...Lol. How would my GIRLFRIEND have handled it if she took the call??? -We are good together...Never fight over big life issues like money, house, etc. But we have petty fights on a normal basis but nothing huge. -She has NEVER cheated in her life on anyone (as far as I know). -She WAS married when that dude was hitting on her and emailing her inappropriate things about 3 or 4 years ago. She never told her husband OR management. I know I shouldn't punish her for being honest with me but at the same time, she claims she "learned" but do people really LEARN between ages 31/32 and 35. -She doesn't go out drinking, or to bars or clubs...She is a loyal person by nature. But I think those two times in her life where she was harassed and did NOTHING happened because she is an easy target. And I am worried that could happen again. I am not one of these naive people who say "she will be different with me!" Now granted, she didn't cheat. But for me, being sexually harassed and not STOPPING it, is a deal breaker for me...it just is. I'm a lawyer...tell me, tell your boss, tell me and I will tell your boss. I'm not going to deal with some scum bag hitting on my girlfriend while I am at work. I just don't WANT to live with that. -So my worry is that if these things happened in the past, why would they NOT happen again? Sounds to me like you need to have a sit down discussion with her on the concept of "boundaries", in order to safeguard your relationship with her. My wife wasn't good with that until things went too far and she got involved in an EA. Now...she knows right where to 'head it off'. So what's her response when you discuss your concerns with her?
bentnotbroken Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 -We live together -She has been hit on in the past but is either too naive to realize it or likes the attention and doesn't handle it right. i.e. some creep in the deli line was eyeballing her and started talking to her...in the convo, he asked where she lived...then asked where she worked...and her not being good with confrontation, she TOLD him. Well the creep CALLED her at work the next day!!! And you can say "Oh, well, at least she told you." But we will NEVER fully know because I have a friend who dates a co-worker of hers AND the co-worker is the one who took the call. She told the guy to not call because my girlfriend was married...Lol. How would my GIRLFRIEND have handled it if she took the call??? -We are good together...Never fight over big life issues like money, house, etc. But we have petty fights on a normal basis but nothing huge. -She has NEVER cheated in her life on anyone (as far as I know). -She WAS married when that dude was hitting on her and emailing her inappropriate things about 3 or 4 years ago. She never told her husband OR management. I know I shouldn't punish her for being honest with me but at the same time, she claims she "learned" but do people really LEARN between ages 31/32 and 35. -She doesn't go out drinking, or to bars or clubs...She is a loyal person by nature. But I think those two times in her life where she was harassed and did NOTHING happened because she is an easy target. And I am worried that could happen again. I am not one of these naive people who say "she will be different with me!" Now granted, she didn't cheat. But for me, being sexually harassed and not STOPPING it, is a deal breaker for me...it just is. I'm a lawyer...tell me, tell your boss, tell me and I will tell your boss. I'm not going to deal with some scum bag hitting on my girlfriend while I am at work. I just don't WANT to live with that. -So my worry is that if these things happened in the past, why would they NOT happen again? Here is the answer you seek. You have said it is a deal breaker. Let her go. She deserves not to have her thought processes questioned based on other actions. Her actions have spoken loudly and clearly according to you. She hasn't cheated, she has been honest with you and she respects you and herself enough to behave in a very admirable manner. I am a woman who has been harassed (no I am not ugly and I am talk to strangers regularly) and I did not report it. I felt in as if I handled in the best way for me at the time. Suing isn't always the answer to an issue. Sometimes a verbal biotch slap or completely ignoring is the proper way to go. Shyt happens. It is a staple of human life. And if past behavior is a predictor of future behavior, what is the problem. She has proven more than once that she knows what her boundaries are and how to stick to them. Your cynicism won't love you back.
Author chucksagent Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Owl & Bennotbroke - FINALLY two smart people...GREAT advice from both of you. Owl - Her response to me is that she has learned from her past mistakes and she SWEARS she would tell a boss and me if she was being harassed. BUT, my worry leads perfectly into Bentnotbroke's statement. Bentnotbroke - I didn't mean I am a lawyer so I will AUTOMATICALLY sue, but if somebody like me gave a warning, nobody wants to get hit in the pocketbook. It's a tad different than a husband who is a doctor because he would have to HIRE a lawyer and spend the money. For me, I could make his life MISERABLE and EXPENSIVE if he didn't cease the behavior. BUT Bentnotbroke...you make the point that a VERY good friend of mine (trusted advisor for 20+ years) - he is an Ivy League graduate and we've known eachother since childhood. He told me because I am very smart and very successful I ASSUME everyone should take my path from A to B. But he ALWAYS points out not everyone takes the same path, but if they arrive at the same conclusion, there is no harm no foul. Now....ironically...THIS ties back to OWL's point... Owl - Bentnotbroke makes a BRIALLIANT point. Almost impossible to argue with logically speaking (sounds like a very smart person - nice for a change). My ONLY concern with walking away and all of us BUYING that reasoning, which is borerline flawless... Does it then, bentnotbroke, go back to Owl's ORIGINAL point of "Can that behavior in itself LEAD to affairs?" It's easy for us to say "hey, it worked in the past." But if you just smile and nod and allow that dude to think it doesn't BOTHER you; you know what they say. Tell a small lie every day and often and people start to believe it. How long of ALLOWING that behavior (harmless as it may be) mature into dangerous behavior?
bentnotbroken Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Owl & Bennotbroke - FINALLY two smart people...GREAT advice from both of you. Owl - Her response to me is that she has learned from her past mistakes and she SWEARS she would tell a boss and me if she was being harassed. BUT, my worry leads perfectly into Bentnotbroke's statement. Bentnotbroke - I didn't mean I am a lawyer so I will AUTOMATICALLY sue, but if somebody like me gave a warning, nobody wants to get hit in the pocketbook. It's a tad different than a husband who is a doctor because he would have to HIRE a lawyer and spend the money. For me, I could make his life MISERABLE and EXPENSIVE if he didn't cease the behavior. BUT Bentnotbroke...you make the point that a VERY good friend of mine (trusted advisor for 20+ years) - he is an Ivy League graduate and we've known eachother since childhood. He told me because I am very smart and very successful I ASSUME everyone should take my path from A to B. But he ALWAYS points out not everyone takes the same path, but if they arrive at the same conclusion, there is no harm no foul. Now....ironically...THIS ties back to OWL's point... Owl - Bentnotbroke makes a BRIALLIANT point. Almost impossible to argue with logically speaking (sounds like a very smart person - nice for a change). My ONLY concern with walking away and all of us BUYING that reasoning, which is borerline flawless... Does it then, bentnotbroke, go back to Owl's ORIGINAL point of "Can that behavior in itself LEAD to affairs?" It's easy for us to say "hey, it worked in the past." But if you just smile and nod and allow that dude to think it doesn't BOTHER you; you know what they say. Tell a small lie every day and often and people start to believe it. How long of ALLOWING that behavior (harmless as it may be) mature into dangerous behavior? I can only speak to my own experiences...but it hasn't matured into dangerous behavior for me. I know a lie when I hear one, I don't need external validation and I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday. Unless you have access to a crystal ball and know what she would do in the future...see what I mean? Everyday we all make choices. That is part of being a mature adult. Her choices have shown maturity. There is no way you can see things from her point of view of being hit on by butt monkeys. Of course you would handle it different. We all deal with life out of our experiences. You don't have the experience of walking around with a vagina and dealing with harassment from prepubescent years. That is a life time of training. 1
Owl Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 To sum it all up...of course it's POSSIBLE that she could cheat. Has she so far? Do you honestly believe that it's likely that she will? If the answer is yes to either of those questions...then all you need to think about now is "what are my next steps in light of this knowledge"? If the answer is no to both...then you probably need to sit down and take a look at yourself and decide if this relationship is really what you want. If she's not cheated nor given you reason to think she will...then you either are looking for a reason to get out of the relationship or have some internal issue on your side causing you to be untrusting. Not knocking you here...just trying to give you some actionable advice. 2
Sammy79 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I haven't read all of your posts ok so sorry if I get anything drastically wrong but just something for you to think about: This is relevent please bear with me. I am a 34 yr old woman, non confrontational and not overly outgoing but confident enough. When I was single for a few years I got hit on by 4 men, all either married or in a long term relationship. I didn't take any of them up on it as I wasn't attracted to any of them and it would be wrong anyway as they were with people. I now go out with a wonderful guy and to be honest, apart from not being stunning like your gf! I'm not bad, had my fair share of offers over the years! but I may be a little like her and I don't go around snogging men or having affairs just because I can't say no! that would be ridiculous. It just doesn't happen. Your gf doesn't sound like she is any more likely to cheat than anybody else. She sounds great actually. My boyfriend thinks I am the most gorgeous woman ever and tells me all the time, he is deluded to a large extent! I'm not at all, but he sees it in me and thinks i'm the best, not every man will fancy me though, or your girlfriend, everybody has different tastes. I wouldn't cheat on my bf because I love him and I just have no desire to be with another man, he's the best one there is and your gf probably thinks the same about you. I don't think my boyfriend will cheat on me just because other committed men hit on me when I was single. It sometimes make you wonder when you hear these stories, and where I work there are a couple of affairs going on, but when I think of my bf I think how lucky I am to be with him because he's great and I trust him, I honestly can say that I do, can't you think that? he may talk to and have female friends and sometimes I admit I get a little jealous if I think they are attractive and he may think the same, but I never ever think he is actually going to go and do something with anybody else. And actually he is really non confrontational too, majorly so now I come to think of it, goes along with things to keep the peace, but it doesn't make me suspicious! And to be honest I sometimes tell people where I live or work, I told a guy who works in the shop down the road, in conversation, where I work and where I live, now he hasn't popped round or rang me but if he did I would be a little suprised and tell him sorry I have a boyfriend and that would probably be that. And not all women do report sexual harassment or even just men coming on to them, maybe because she doesn't want everybody knowing her business, or maybe she felt like she could handle it, it is a big decision to get other people involved when something like this happens and some women run away and leave their job rather than face the man and everybody knowing, it has happened a few times where I work but I work in the motor trade! If she doesn't I wouldn't worry! only joking i'm sure she would be fine there as I am. You have to trust in life as if you don't you'll be unhappy and fretting like this forever. I don't think you want that. Some kind of self help or counselling is needed before you blow the love of your life. You could be really happy and that is all life is about. I hope you can find peace! x 1
Kidd Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 If you are this concerned, I would gently explain your concerns and ask her to read, "Not Just Friends." I honestly believe if my wife had read that book prior to her affair, it wouldn't have happened. Personally, I think it should be required reading in HS or before being issued a marriage license. If you ask the right way, I suspect she do this for you. Then if she does, you need to get a grip on your paranoia. Just my $.02 2
Author chucksagent Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 You guys all gave great advice. I won't lie, I do have trust issues. It's hard not to have trust issues when ignorance isn't an option. I analyze stuff for a living and alas it has a way of creeping into your social life. I mean I have predicted cheating women, cheating men, marriages that would fail, etc. just by reading the writing on the wall. Some women are attention seekers, some women are flirty by nature, some men have no conscience, etc. A good friend of mine when my girlfriend and I started dating said to me, "Now buddy, don't forget why you fell for this girl...she is fun, and friendly, and outgoing, and beautiful...And we BOTH know how that formula can drive your mind crazy. She's like you, friendly and outgoing, not flirty." The problem is...I am average looking at best. And unless a girl see's me in one of my suits getting out of my sports car, she isn't interested in my "being friendly" as flirting (That's actually happened, lol.). HOWEVER, I have MANY male friends who if a pretty girl shows them ANY attention, they think she is in love with them. My girlfriend, for example, would hang out at the same place my friends and I would. So our groups kind of meshed always being there on the same night of the weekend. ALL of my friends liked her...Lol. ALL of them....Except for me. They all hit on her in one form or another. One of them even tried hooking up with her via FB message after a party we had (and she rejected him)...Now it's easy to say "I answered my own question because she was single and rejected him." And that COULD be true, but over FB it's MUCH easier than an aggressive guy in person. I.e. earlier that night, a REAL ugly dude, who she or 90% of women DEF would not hook up with, was rubbing her leg when we were all sitting around the room throwing the bull...and she DID NOT stop him. It's that kind of stuff LEADING to more I worry about. Watch the progression. 1) Dude and she interact - he sees she is pretty and down to earth. 2) Dude flirts with her and she is just kind in return. 3) Dude KEEPS flirting with her since she isn't stopping him. 4) Dude makes PHYSICAL contact with her because she has yet to reject other unwarranted advances. 5) Physical contact leads to more SERIOUS physical contact and she being non-confrontational just allows it. Is 4 to 5 too big a leap?
Owl Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Again...you need to discuss boundaries, so she knows where in the progress she needs to put her foot down. And she needs to demonstrate this to you to make you feel more secure. And...you need to decide for yourself whether you feel she's going to cheat on you or not. Frankly...you seem very insecure, and that's what really seems to be the issue here. Not so much her lack of boundaries or interactions with others. She's not violated those boundaries so far, from what you've described. But...you still worry that someday she will. If you can't deal with your own security...she probably will someday. You might consider counseling...either for both of you, or for yourself, or both. IC for you to focus on your insecurity, MC/RC for the both of you to work on her boundaries and how to establish trust in the relationship.
Lauriebell82 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 -So my worry is that if these things happened in the past, why would they NOT happen again? Good question. Do YOU think it will happen again? Obviously you do if you posted this thread. That should be telling you something about the relationship.
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