Blindsided by fiancé - postponed the wedding...

[capybara]

Hello all..

 

I've lurked these forums before and found that my fiancé had actually posted here over a year ago when we had hit some rough times... and we had made it through those said rough times (where I had been distant). Things were going great, he proposed (the best night of my life, right there with the night I met him!) and we were well on our way to building a life together.

 

We are both 25, and we started college late. We live with my grandmother who I have been the primary caretaker of since before we met. He works part time and I've been desperately trying to get a job (tough when you have little experience--live in caretaker for three years doesn't look so great compared to people with degrees who are also competing for these jobs.) Finances were up and down but at the moment, we have no debt other than student loans.

 

Admittedly, I have a bad temper and I never thought to hold my tongue when I was angry around him. I became difficult to get along with, especially at the point where we had no car and were commuting via public transit for nearly five hours total per day just to get to school. I became distant again without even realizing it. My perspective: I'm tired and just want to not be touched right now. His perspective: I hated him and was emotionally distant (not my intentions!!) I love this man more than anything, I never even realized I had been hurting him so deeply. I realized this only after he threatened to (and very nearly did) break up. From his perspective, I had treated the engagement as a sure thing and acted like I didn't need to try and 'keep' him. This was not my intention...but I can certainly understand why he felt this way, looking back at my behavior.

 

Now, looking back from his perspective, I see how badly I had been treating him, but also feel extremely hurt that he bottled all of that feeling in and didn't call me out on it. He says he didn't want to start arguments, but it all seems so counterproductive now. What wound up happening was that he admitted that he had been looking for 'ways out' or a good time to break up all while I had still been wedding planning. I was completely blindsided and couldn't believe it. I knew we had had arguments but never thought anything of it, because we always reconciled and laughed about the stupid thing we argued about. Apparently he saw things differently and held it all in until he reached a breaking point. I was devastated and we eventually came to a decision to try and work things out, if I would change my behavior (which I have...not just for him but for me as well). His main concern now is if his feelings will change back to being happy around me.

 

We are still seeing our premarital counselor/pastor later today to talk about this. According to my fiancé, he still loves me, very much, and it's been about four weeks since he had the breakdown and admitted all of this to me. In those four weeks, things have improved exponentially. I find that I'm not even TRYING to be nice, I just am simply by making him a priority. I feel terrible and frightened that I didn't ALWAYS make him my priority--the thought now makes me so sick (I actually have made myself ill over this!). He is the love of my life--in past relationships, I haven't loved half as deeply as I do him. I very truly do want to spend my life with him and commit myself to him in every way, and I want to treat him as the gift that he is to me.

 

Our two year (dating) anniversary was this past weekend: I booked us a hotel up where we had first met and we went dancing like we had on our first date. He looked at me with the same love and shining admiration that he had when he first met me. It gave me hope. Sometimes, he gets sad and says things like 'he's afraid he won't love me romantically anymore' or 'he's afraid we'll get married and he'll just be going through the motions' and I tell him all I am concerned with now is making him happy again, and being able to share in that happiness. I told him, the wedding is not a priority to me, it's repairing myself in his eyes and making our relationship better. All that matters is to be with him. No pressure, he shouldn't feel trapped... I never intend to hold him back (I actually was the one who convinced him to return to school to pursue his dream career instead of settling for something he admitted he didn't really want to do, and for that he has said he is grateful).

 

I guess that I'm looking for some reassurance. My fiancé has come around a bit in the past weeks where he no longer dislikes being around me (because I'm no longer negative, bitter, angry all the time... I don't know what made me be like that...). How can I reassure him and show him that yes, he can be happy again with me? I know it takes time, but how do I put him at ease as we take the time needed?

 

I don't want to say I'm trying to make him love me again--I know that's up to him and I really do have faith that he will come around. And I know that relationships grow and change, especially knowing we just technically came out of that honeymoon phase and were actually dealing with things like living together, blending finances, etc. I also know I am his longest, most serious relationship and that he DOES love me very much. He was not my first serious relationship, but he is the first person with whom I've felt happy (truly HAPPY) and felt that intense love and want to marry. I've been giving him some space and privacy, making sure to do nice things and to pursue him but not to smother him or push him away. That in itself has been a balancing act.

 

I just...hate being kept up at night by the fear that I will lose him. I love him. He says he will try and wants us to work out. I can tell looking in his eyes that he WANTS us to work out and to be happy, but he's afraid of never being happy again, or that I'll be angry again. How can I put him at ease? If I can't get him to relax and stop convincing himself that he won't ever be happy, it would just be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

I also am concerned that there are other factors that are NOT our relationship that are making him unhappy. He was very proud of his physique and fitness before, and he's lost a lot of muscle and hasn't had as much time to work out because of our school schedule (we have the same hours, mostly). He gets into these funks where he won't work out for weeks at a time and that's when I notice that he's the least happy and more pessimistic about the future and our relationship. It's obvious that working out makes him happy and hell, I love to work out too, but how do I get him to stay in the routine?

 

A month before the revelation, we were also in a bad car accident, hit by an uninsured driver. He claims this is part of why he postponed leaving (and ultimately agreed to relationship counseling). The accident left me with a spinal injury and dental injuries that have been an ongoing process to fix. The day he revealed these feelings was a day that I had been wrongly giving him the silent treatment over some stupid bullcrap that I can't even remember...but this was also a time where I was waking up and dealing with intense pain and numbness day in and day out. While I realize that it is NOT an excuse to be mean and lash out at the man I love, I can't help but be hurt that he took that so personally. I've learned that even with the intense pain I can be good and kind to him... I wish I had done this all along.

 

I don't want pity and I don't want to guilt him. I want to encourage those same feelings inside him--I know they're still there, because they peeked out the night I took him out and we were dancing together. I want to quell his fears and boost his confidence, make him feel like the absolutely wonderful person he is while also showing him that yes, we can still be together and be happy.

 

I am making better progress on the job front, because that is something that had bothered him before. Even though we don't have much in the way of bills (my scholarship excess takes care of our phone bill and gas money) I want him to have that peace of mind. Also he wants for us to move out and have our own place (thankfully us now, and not just him--this was a big step!)

 

On that note, he wants to move in together, but of course is afraid of it not working out. What can I do when we move in to our own place to ease his mind? How can I make that work? I know it will probably be either the new beginning/starting over point or the final nail in the coffin depending on me.

 

One last question... because I realize this post is huge. Through a ton of Google and (religious) self-help sites I came across a weekend conference/couples building session for married and engaged couples, that will have a session in our area. I've heard great things from people about this conference and how it has helped couples going through similar situations come out stronger and happier. He's ambivalent about it (his words: well by the end of March we might already be okay or not. My words: if we're ok, then it will make us even better. If anything it would be a great weekend getaway and a chance to stay in a hotel suite.) I'd be paying for it, again with my excess scholarship money. The finances are not an issue. But do conferences/workshops like this actually work?

 

If it was a time of me being rude and distant that made him feel this way, will a time of me showing him my real self, the happy and bubbly person that he met and dated, whose eyes shined in pure happiness just when she saw him... will the feelings change again? My heart tells me yes but I could really use some reassurance, some advice on how to SHOW him how much I appreciate and love him (without smothering him of course...).

 

Ironically he had come to this site well over a year ago asking how to save our relationship. It worked then... I hope it works now. I really, truly want to get things back to how they were when he proposed. I'm absolutely willing to see a therapist if this was a sign of something like anger problems or another disorder. I think I was just being stupid and immature but if I need professional help to save my relationship, I am absolutely willing to do it.

Edited March 1, 2012 by capybara

[InJest]

Sounds like you've taken some really good steps and made a real effort. It's no guarantee though, and if I were him, I'd still be a bit weary and want to wait a little while before getting married, just to make sure the changes weren't temporary just to trap me.

 

All you can do is wait and keep doing what you're doing. Looks like you really just needed to vent.

[serial muse]

Oh wow, I feel for you. You have clearly experienced a really timely, genuine wake-up call. It's really common to take people for granted, and it's a really valuable lesson to learn that they might walk away in response.

 

That said, let me make a suggestion: Breathe.

 

It's been, what, a month? You are absolutely doing the right thing by trying to reverse those behaviors, and to show him that you do value him and are working to make your relationship happy and loving and welcoming again.

 

But - you had a terrible car accident that you're still recovering from, and you're both stressed out from work and classes and health issues. And it sounds like, although you're on the right track here, you're panicking.

 

Just take a step back, and take a breath.

 

You don't need to overwhelm this detente you're building. I don't think you need to attend seminars, or anything like that...I think what you need is to further a sense of peace between you two. And you're already on the way there.

 

Your fiance, as you've already noted, is in a place where he's wondering how long this new phase will last. So the only thing you really need to do is to be consistent. Keep doing what you're already doing. Work on patience. It is so tempting to want to ask for progress reports, but that can be really, really counterproductive. Rushing improvements can appear to be no improvement at all, from his point of view. So for now, just focus on your behaviors - as you already have been.

 

Now here's the hard part. Whether or not he gets it together too is not going to be in your control. He did finally speak up, but he'll need to make an important change as well - to know that when he's troubled, he should tell you and find a solution together. That's a trust issue, on his part. It's helpful that your response to his outburst has been so positive - that may help him to be more straightforward in the future. But it's also up to him. All you can do is be the partner you want to be. And I think you're already working on that.

 

Is it worth linking to your fiance's previous posts, to give us a sense of his perspective? It's certainly not necessary, I'm just wondering.

 

And where are your marriage plans at the moment?

Edited March 1, 2012 by serial muse

[capybara]

It's been a while since he posted here and I only remember him showing it to me. It ironically was a thread about what to do about me being emotionally distant and how he wanted to save our relationship..

 

Our wedding plans are completely on hold. He claims he doesn't know if he'll ever want to marry me again/is afraid to spend his life with me now. I really hope this is temporary. I really miss when he was optimistic and always wanting to talk about our future, wedding planning, etc. At this point, we still have our pastor who would be marrying us to receive counseling from, and have postponed the date with the reception hall. He gets a little worked up that postponing the date was like a 'deadline' but I keep ensuring him that it isn't. No other plans were made. I explained to friends/family that the wedding was postponed because of financial burdens from the accident.

 

I absolutely do not want to overwhelm or pressure him. I just want him to be happy with me again. I'm prepared to wait as long as it takes but I am so terrified of him not being able to get over this fear. While I really doubt he'd do such a thing, a very small part of me is worried he will cheat.

 

One thing that he did do which I can understand why but still tugs a bit at my trust is change all his passwords. He originally had volunteered them to me and I never even had any interest in going onto his computer other than when I needed to use it for school (before I had my own). I know the likely reason is the one he's giving me- he wanted to give himself a small bit of space/privacy. Is this believable? Especially considering the only time I ever logged into any of his accounts was to transfer money into his when he would be overdrawn...and that was it. I never looked or wanted to look through his email or history because I trusted him. He feels like he created a sense of privacy that he always had, but now I sometimes feel like he's trying to hide something from me.

[InJest]

Don't bring up the changing of the passwords. That won't go over well.

[capybara]

We only talked about the password change the one time and I did drop it. I do trust him... and I definitely don't want to risk pushing him further away.

 

I mean, if he was dead set on hiding anything or finding someone else, he would have just broken up with me altogether and not agreed to work on our relationship.

 

I love this man deeply. Even if it doesn't quite make sense with the passwords, I'm still willing to accept and support it if it makes him feel like he has space and isn't 'forced' to share everything with me.

[FitChick]

Now you know why all wedding related businesses ask for nonrefundable deposits.

[capybara]

Well, after meeting with our pastor, he's feeling sad.

 

So our pastor suggested we consider living apart as a big part of our problems were our stressful living arrangement (crowded together in my grandma's house far from school, friends, etc. in a crappy neighborhood). I...really, honestly don't want to do this. I still feel that if we simply moved out and got a place together that things would be ok, as we've never HAD our 'own place.' And even though it was only a weekend, he and I both absolutely loved having the hotel to ourselves; he even kept making comments on how we could have managed to share something that size! It was hopeful...

 

However, I realize it may be a decent idea. I only asked my fiancé that we try couples therapy first before taking such a big step. This would not be separation--we would revert more back to a temporary dating situation, seeing each other but not living together, and working back up to living together.

 

I hate the idea of not seeing him every day and not waking up next to him...but I will do this if it will help us. I'm not entirely convinced this is the right step though. I would love some insight or advice on this front.

[FitChick]

I hate the idea of not seeing him every day and not waking up next to him....

You had better hope he feels the same way and not, "Yippee! Freedom! Privacy!"