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the love of my life says he NEVER wants to get married...?

qtpie

By qtpie
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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qtpie New Member

qtpie

Posted
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I've known the love of my life for 15+ years (since we were 6).. we have been BEST friends for 9+ years (since we were 12).. and have been dating for 4+ years (since we were 16).. We are now 20 and 21 years old and living together...

 

we have had our ups and downs through the years but we have pushed through it all and are still best friends with each other... we are totally honest with each other and can spend all day everyday with each other and enjoy every minute of it.. we are now talking about buying a house and he said he wants to have kids with me when we become a little more financially set.. which is great!!

 

However.. he said he NEVER wants to get married EVER.. he has never really seen a functional relationship (besides ours) and doesn't think that marriage could ever work out.. he is also terrified of commitment.. we can't even plan a movie on Friday night until like 2 hours before the movie.. (he is getting better at making plans though).. and I know we are still young and don't need to rush anything.. but I would like to have a 'day to remember' like just about every girl wants one day.. and I don't want to pressure him into anything he doesn't want.. but i also don't want to NEVER get married because he's afraid of commitment..

 

any information would be helpful.. thank you!

Janesays Established Member

Janesays

Posted
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The LAST thing in the world you two should be worried about is getting married. Or buying houses. Or having kids. Heck, one of you isn't even old enough to buy a drink and you're looking into real estate? And fretting about your 'day to remember?'

 

And how can you be sure this is the love of your life? You have barely lived life as an adult yet. Do some growing girl. Life isn't a race.

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standtall Established Member

standtall

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He doesn't want to get married, because he doesn't want to be trapped even though having a kid with you will anchor him to you financially for 18 yrs, and socially for life. Sounds like some very young, and in-experienced decisions here. I'm with jane...life isn't a race.

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qtpie New Member

qtpie

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after rereading my post i can see how it seemed like I wanted everything within the next 6 months.. that is not at all what i ment..

 

I know we are both still very young..and don't need to get married for years yet.. and the having kids and buying a house is years down the road yet after we are both out of school and have full time jobs.. we are not your typical 'young couple' who just wants to go out and party and mooch off their parents like alot of people our age do... we have both had jobs since we were 16 and have paid for everything since then.. (i currently have 4 part time jobs and am going to school to ensure that we have enough money to cover rent and all our other bills)..

 

and it's one of those if it doesn't work out you have your whole life ahead of you typa things.. and im not talking about getting married tomarow or anything.. and i even asked him if we are still great in 5 or even 10 years if he would even THINK about getting married and he still said no and that it's not that he's just to young right now and still wants to live his life ..which i 100% agree with.. it's that he NEVER wants to marry anyone..

 

and I know he is the love of my life because most people who are in relationships for over a year start to go into slumps.. but its been over 4 years and all he has to do is wink at me and i still melt at the knees.. i believe in the whole there is one person out there for you.. and people find years and years looking for theirs... i found mine on the school bus.. and couldn't be more greatful or happy than how i am with him

Ursa Established Member

Ursa

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Hey OP, I'm sure you're tired of hearing this, but everybody says it because it's true: you're too young to be stressing about having kids and getting married right now. Don't even THINK about doing EITHER for at least five years, that would be my sage advice.

 

Easier said than done, perhaps. It's never easy to rethink what you want, or the pace at which you want it. However, I am married, and I have kids, and properties and mortgages--and while I love being married and being a mom and having my old house with my fruit trees in the yard, I waited until my 30s for all of it, and I'm so glad I did. In my 20s I went to school, I traveled the world, I tried on different jobs and boyfriends and experiences, I moved a lot. It was sometimes difficult and some of it wasn't for everyone, but some of it was really glorious. I lived, and it's what really made me ready to settle down, gave me the strength/communication skills/wisdom to be a pretty good wife and parent.

 

Not everybody ought to do it that way, of course, but I'd recommend at least giving it some serious thought. Sometimes it works well when people marry early--I do know of a few high school sweethearts who are happily married 20 years later, I admit that--but the stats are against you. It's such a common story, when people marry that young, they grow apart, they start to chafe after ten yeas of being tied down and having never really gone out and lived it up. People change so much in their 20s, they're often almost completely different people at 29 than they were at 19.

 

Anyway, as to your boyfriend specifically--when I was his age, I also said I didn't ever want to marry. Then ten years later, I realized marriage was actually something that mattered to me, I had grown towards it over time. That is one possibility, but I wouldn't count on it for your future if being truly and legally married (not just having a special day) is really important to you. This board is chock-full of stories of girls who have been waiting and waiting for their live-in boyfriends to decide whether they want to marry them, girls who are bitter and feel they wasted their youths and are now starting to have real worries about their fertile years. Nobody here can guarantee which way this relationship will go for you.

 

You don't own property or have kids yet. You and your boyfriend should set a goal of saving up to do something big, that's exciting and enriching without tying you down. Spend a few months traveling abroad together, maybe join a volunteer group that does work in other countries, come back and go to grad school in a different city. After all of that, check in with yourselves again about marriage and kids.

 

If a big part of what you want is the special day, conversely, look into commitment ceremonies--romantic, but not legally binding.

 

EDIT: OK, you updated while I was typing all that out. I'm going to let it stand, however, because some of it is still applicable.

  • Like 3
Janesays Established Member

Janesays

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Ursa gave great advice. Travel the world together, do something grand! I know for a fact that I am a different person now at 33 than I was when I was 23. COMPLETELY different. Live in the present, the future will be here all too soon.

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darkmoon Established Member

darkmoon

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from your boyf's pov the two, only two, happy marriages i've ever seen had, as things panned out, separate-ish lives with both earning good money, they were best friends but independent, with two television sets so no squabbling, only the hubby worked while thier son was little and then they were living in a commune with alot of other people for company so not to be on top of each other

Ursa Established Member

Ursa

Posted
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By the way, I would also caution against assuming that there's only one "love of your life" because you're still in love with him now, when you've watched other relationships fizzle after one year.

 

I'm not saying your bf is not a love of your life--and you might very well end up growing old together.

 

However, if this relationship ends up breaking apart and you are at some point in the future nursing a broken heart, I don't want you to feel like there isn't another real love in your life's path. Trust me, there are always alternate paths, and that's a good thing. You'll probably have to go through a few fizzles to find another really good fit, and that can be disheartening, but there's more than one out there in the world for you.

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Nightsky Established Member

Nightsky

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Don't stress about a hypothetical fight you might have 7 to 10 years from now. You said it yourself he can't pick the movie he wants to see Friday till Friday.

 

If you guys are still going out after you graduate and have good jobs instead of working 4 part time ones he might propose.

 

So imaginary hypo, he graduates and is setled in a good job by 23. A year later he proposes when 24. You have a year long engagement and 25 married. A year or two of married and children 27.

 

The point is you are looking for problems if you are going to fight about when and if you are hypotheticaly going to get married if you are fine not being proposed to until years from now. Just don't sweat it.

Lauriebell82 Established Member

Lauriebell82

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The majority of men are not mature or committment minded enough at your age to fully know WHAT they want. It's possible that he may come around in a few years. As others have pointed out, you are both still incredibly young to be thinking about marriage, even within the next few years.

 

You still have PLENTY of time to get married and have a family, so if in 5 years he STILL is not looking to get married then you will still be young enough to get back out there and find someone who wants the same things you do.

 

I'm 29 now and when I was 19-22 I was with who I thought was the love of my life. I was dead wrong and thank goodness I was!!!! I have a wonderful husband who I love more then anything.

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make me believe Established Member

make me believe

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Well I'm torn because part of me thinks you should always listen to what your partner is saying and take it at face value. Don't think you can change him or stay with him hoping he'll change his mind in the future. But because you guys are SO young, I think a large part of his opinion about marriage is probably due to his age. Lots of guys can't fathom the idea of ever getting married when they are 21, but they change their minds later in their 20s and 30s as they grow & mature.

 

I would definitely advise you not to have kids with him or buy a house until you are married, though. Please don't buy a house with him thinking it means that he wants more and will change his mind about marriage. That stuff needs to happen AFTER marriage, otherwise it'll be so much harder to walk away if you don't end up getting what you want from him. When he brings up kids & houses, I would smile at him and say "I look forward to having children and owning a house with my husband someday. :)"

 

For now, just relax and enjoy your relationship with him. If he is still adament about not getting married in 5 years, then you may have to reconsider the relationship if marriage is a dealbreaker to you. But honestly, the way you described a WEDDING rather than a MARRIAGE (you said you want to get married because every girl wants "a day to remember") tells me that YOU are nowhere near being ready for marriage either because when you hear "marriage" you think "wedding."

Lauriebell82 Established Member

Lauriebell82

Posted
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I would definitely advise you not to have kids with him or buy a house until you are married, though. Please don't buy a house with him thinking it means that he wants more and will change his mind about marriage. That stuff needs to happen AFTER marriage, otherwise it'll be so much harder to walk away if you don't end up getting what you want from him. When he brings up kids & houses, I would smile at him and say "I look forward to having children and owning a house with my husband someday. :)"

 

Yeah, I would second this. It's interesting though that he is ready to talk about having kids and buying houses (which are also HUGE committments) but hell bent against marriage. I guess he may see the kids/house committments as easier to get out of perhaps. This also speaks to how young and immature he really is.

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
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Aside from youth, which most others have zoomed in on....if he is scared of commitment because of his childhood, that is something that doesn't go away with age. It is something one has to recognize and work through for themselves...nobody else can convince you out of that fear. There are many 60 year old commitment phobes walking around who will date a woman for 10 years but run away as soon as marriage pops up...some commitment phobes even marry but are distant in the relationship, cheat or get antsy and disappear in the marriage.

 

You guys still have time but I do think you should be aware now that he may never work through this...and you have to be prepared to walk away if he won't commit to you in the way that you want. You can talk to him about his commitment issues and about working through them...but he has to eventually make that choice for himself. Be true to YOURSELF foremost though, you have time, but don't sit around waiting for years and years if he continues to not want marriage years from now and you still do.

setsenia Established Member

setsenia

Posted
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I definitely agree with the other posters. Your bf is definitely still too young to be sure of anything. If he was 30 and saying this, that might be different. But you both are barely out of high school, of course marriage, let alone kids and a house are going to be the furthest things from his mind. It may seem that since you have known and been friends for awhile, that things are going slow. But in reality, you are just starting a serious relationship which is very different than what you both had as kids. I actually met my husband at 16 and got married at 19, but he was also 24, almost 25 when we got married, so it's a little different. I also felt really mature for my age after a troubled childhood. I was independent and caring for myself long before 18. We both continued our college plans during our engagement and now we're getting our bachelor degrees. I definitely was not thinking about children at that age (although many thought I was pregnant or going to have children soon) and we still cannot afford a house at almost 23 and 29, because of the high priced area we live in. We probably won't be thinking of kids for at least 3-4 years. Although I know several people my age who already have kids, a lot of them were not ready. They are on financial assistance from the government, which is no way to live. My advice to both of you is to take your time, go to school, work part time or full time and decide what you really want for the future.

musemaj11 Established Member

musemaj11

Posted
Posted

Young women and their wedding fantasy.

 

I cant believe there hasnt been anyone trying to make a business out of staging mock weddings. There is a huge market out there. Many if not most women are more desperate for a wedding more than the marriage itself.

Mme. Chaucer Established Member

Mme. Chaucer

Posted
Posted
Many if not most women are more desperate for a wedding more than the marriage itself.

 

Maybe, but how would you know? You don't even know any real live women.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted
Young women and their wedding fantasy.

 

I cant believe there hasnt been anyone trying to make a business out of staging mock weddings. There is a huge market out there. Many if not most women are more desperate for a wedding more than the marriage itself.

 

Somebody needs to have some kind of wedding fantasy camp. I think this is what many really want instead of the actual marriage.

soserious1 Established Member

soserious1

Posted
Posted
I've known the love of my life for 15+ years (since we were 6).. we have been BEST friends for 9+ years (since we were 12).. and have been dating for 4+ years (since we were 16).. We are now 20 and 21 years old and living together...

 

we have had our ups and downs through the years but we have pushed through it all and are still best friends with each other... we are totally honest with each other and can spend all day everyday with each other and enjoy every minute of it.. we are now talking about buying a house and he said he wants to have kids with me when we become a little more financially set.. which is great!!

 

However.. he said he NEVER wants to get married EVER.. he has never really seen a functional relationship (besides ours) and doesn't think that marriage could ever work out.. he is also terrified of commitment.. we can't even plan a movie on Friday night until like 2 hours before the movie.. (he is getting better at making plans though).. and I know we are still young and don't need to rush anything.. but I would like to have a 'day to remember' like just about every girl wants one day.. and I don't want to pressure him into anything he doesn't want.. but i also don't want to NEVER get married because he's afraid of commitment..

 

any information would be helpful.. thank you!

 

The guy has told you flat out that he doesn't see himself marrying you ever, what part of that statement don't you understand?

 

Decide, can you see yourself staying with him, bearing his children without the benefit of a wedding ring? If you can great, knock off all this horse shiat about your "special day" If not end the relationship, pack your stuff & fade to black.

 

Do not make the mistake of sitting around for a few more years trying to change his mind, "No" means "NO" not "maybe" it would be unfair of you

to do this to him. If you do try this, remember he's been flat out honest with you, no sitting there when you're 35 & blaming him for "using" you

dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
Somebody needs to have some kind of wedding fantasy camp. I think this is what many really want instead of the actual marriage.

 

Thanks for the business idea! :)

  • Like 1
jennyjoseph713 New Member

jennyjoseph713

Posted
Posted

i have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, but we were friends for a couple years before that. When I met him, he was married, but after walking in on his wife cheating on him, he moved out. We started dating and now we live together. He has made many comments about our future together. We just bought a boat and put both names on the title. he has no problems or hesitations with us purchasing things together, joint accounts and plans for the future but he still says he doesn't want to get married. He knows I do but I have always said, "someday in the future. I am not in any rush". Which is true but I am not sure he will ever want to. I keep telling myself that it is pain from his marriage that makes him not want to get married and maybe he will come around.

setsenia Established Member

setsenia

Posted
Posted

Could be, but you're already sharing all the aspects of marriage it sounds like. I honestly would prefer to be married before buying a house with someone. IF you divorce, it makes things much more complicated when you have joint everything versus if you were married, you each get 50/50. Is it the title of marriage that scares him? Because it doesn't seem like the commitment part does. Just think of it as a license or certificate affirming your vows. You already share all the other marital aspects, just without legal recognition. If you two are sharing everything, you should be able to have the benefits such as decision making if they are sick, tax benefits and the ability to call yourself something other than "single". Good luck!

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